Plushval Posted June 10, 2020 Share Posted June 10, 2020 I recently started noticing how much the term "single" actually bothers me. I hope anyone can relate to the following thought and maybe has something to say to it. So I had a thought about being "single". I am single. I don't have a romantic/sexual partner (obviously), only friends that I occasionally cuddle with but none of them count as a closed partnership. Though I suddenly felt like the description of being single kind of bothers me, because it is of course a term for someone who's not in a relationship but let's be honest.. it is also a term used for someone who may be looking for a partner or as we all know the saying "single and ready to mingle". And it just doesn't fit, right? So that's one thing. Another thing that bothers me about it is that it is a term that seems to stick with me automatically, just because I'm just living my life and I'm happy without a partnership. Which basically means that other people put that term on me like it's a part of a description of my personality traits or interests. Like, facts about me: this, that, and single. But I don't really want that as a fact or a trait of myself, because I'm not seeking to change it and I don't want it as (a little) part of a description of me. I never asked for that term to be a part of me. People like using it when they are getting to know someone and they're interested in them, they want them to know, which makes sense. But I recently discovered I don't want to call myself single, because it's probably (maybe) gonna be like that forever and I don't want to carry the term with me until I literally die, just because it's something people like to describe a person without a "better half" (kinda hate that term as well). Like, I'm just me... and that should be enough, right? I'd like to not use a term like that, unless I do get into a kind of closed relationship, then I'd happily say I'm taken. But until then, I'm not single, I'd like to just be kinda... there. Do you get what I mean? I'm interested. Link to post Share on other sites
Blair:) Posted June 10, 2020 Share Posted June 10, 2020 I get it, maybe you should just say uninterested? Link to post Share on other sites
Purple Red Panda Posted June 10, 2020 Share Posted June 10, 2020 3 hours ago, Plushval said: Do you get what I mean? Very much. I'm also single and although the term probably doesn't bother me a much as I think it does you, I don't regard my relationship status as a key part of my personality. Personally I'm very much open to the idea of being in a relationship, this may happen at some point or it may not but I think society has a rather unhealthy fixation with the idea that being part of a couple is some kind of ultimate good that we must all be striving towards. Link to post Share on other sites
Plushval Posted June 10, 2020 Author Share Posted June 10, 2020 1 minute ago, Purple Red Panda said: Very much. I'm also single and although the term probably doesn't bother me a much as I think it does you I don't regard my relationship status as a key part of my personality. Personally I'm very much open to the idea of being in a relationship, this may happen at some point or it may not but I think society has a rather unhealthy fixation with the idea that being part of a couple is some kind of ultimate good that we must all be striving towards. Yep, exactly! I'm also open to it, but definitely not striving for it like most people. I just don't like to use that term to describe me, it started to feel wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Plushval Posted June 10, 2020 Author Share Posted June 10, 2020 24 minutes ago, Bronte:) said: I get it, maybe you should just say uninterested? Probably, yeah. That would be a way to describe it better and it is true after all, and fitting. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted June 10, 2020 Share Posted June 10, 2020 Quote Though I suddenly felt like the description of being single kind of bothers me, because it is of course a term for someone who's not in a relationship but let's be honest.. it is also a term used for someone who may be looking for a partner or as we all know the saying "single and ready to mingle". Is it? I never interpreted it that way. Single just means exactly what it implies, you're not partnered. Kind of like how "virgin" just means you haven't had sex; it makes no statement about whether or not you'd like to. People just assume everyone wants to be partnered. It doesn't have anything inherently to do with the choice of word being used; it would still happen no matter which word you used. It's just human nature being what it is and assumptions that just because they want something, everyone else does too. Link to post Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere Posted June 10, 2020 Share Posted June 10, 2020 I prefer calling myself a proud spinster rather than single because of the stereotype of singles - particularly aspects such as consumerism and, of course, casual sex. On top of that, I don't consider myself aromantic and I'm not closed to relationships (it just... might never happen). But I'm proud to put up Resistance against what is shown as a woman's duty through Rejecting relationships with men, reproduction and any partnered sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted June 10, 2020 Share Posted June 10, 2020 2 hours ago, Plushval said: But I don't really want that as a fact or a trait of myself, because I'm not seeking to change it and I don't want it as (a little) part of a description of me. What does "not wanting to change it" have to do with the fact itself? I'm kind of lost here. Link to post Share on other sites
Janus the Fox Posted June 10, 2020 Share Posted June 10, 2020 Never really connected with the word Single or Partnered in or out of relationships. It’s only a Legal term I use for filling in forms requiring it. Link to post Share on other sites
Plushval Posted June 10, 2020 Author Share Posted June 10, 2020 1 hour ago, Homer said: What does "not wanting to change it" have to do with the fact itself? I'm kind of lost here. Sorry if I confused you, I guess it's just hard to put those thoughts into words and sentences that actually make sense 🙃. It just doesn't feel right to put that term on me because it is interpreted a certain way in society. I know what it means and as I said, it is basically correct in my situation. Still... I felt like it didn't really fit, especially saying it out loud. It's not a word that defines me, it doesn't feel like it's part of who I am, even though, in society, I am. I just don't like it. It's hard to explain, I must admit. Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted June 10, 2020 Share Posted June 10, 2020 So basically you're saying that it's the accurate term and it describes the situation but you don't like it? Link to post Share on other sites
Plushval Posted June 10, 2020 Author Share Posted June 10, 2020 13 minutes ago, Homer said: So basically you're saying that it's the accurate term and it describes the situation but you don't like it? Yeah I mean, I don't have a partner, so people would describe me as single, of course! But as I might be "single" for all my life, I feel like I don't want to have that term stuck on me and also always say it when people ask, cause for some, it may seem like an invitation of some sort, so I'd think. So I guess it also depends on the people around me rather than on myself. I hope you can understand and somehow make sense of it now. Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted June 10, 2020 Share Posted June 10, 2020 I'd just say "single and happy" or "single and not looking" or something... Link to post Share on other sites
ace-ren Posted June 10, 2020 Share Posted June 10, 2020 I always thought just 'single' was fine... You could be like Emma Watson and say you're 'self-partnered'. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted June 10, 2020 Share Posted June 10, 2020 Quote self-partnered Now that is a term I can't read without thinking "boy, what a narcissist" Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted June 11, 2020 Share Posted June 11, 2020 9 hours ago, ace-ren said: You could be like Emma Watson and say you're 'self-partnered'. That's a posh way to either say "I'm full of myself" or "damn I'm so desperate". Link to post Share on other sites
Skycaptain Posted June 11, 2020 Share Posted June 11, 2020 It's one of the quirks of the English language that we have a greater vocabulary than any other, yet giving multiple, often conflicting, tacit meanings to words has become a global obsession. Single = someone on their own - correct statement. Single = someone on the hunt for a new partner - tacit meaning. Yep, I understand why those who are single and want to stay single are somewhat disenchanted with the tacit meaning. Link to post Share on other sites
Plushval Posted June 11, 2020 Author Share Posted June 11, 2020 By the way, because @Philip027 mentioned it, "virgin" is the same thing for me. I am a virgin, though I also think that this term seems unfitting when you look at its meaning and stigma in society. A virgin is also just a term for someone who's "untouched, innocent", even "holy" or something. What makes it worse in my language is that virgin in German literally means "young woman" (Jungfrau). As if someone who hadn't had sex is not a full human or in this case, a "grown" woman. I prefer to say "I've never had/tried sex (until now)" in that case, since it's automatically linked with a stigma as soon as I use "virgin" as a description. And oh believe me, using the German term is even worse. So it's kind of the same as "single", most people immediately think it is something I'd like or have to change in the future, or I'm seeking to change it, though I'm really not. 🤷♀️ Link to post Share on other sites
Nylocke Posted June 11, 2020 Share Posted June 11, 2020 You can always say you're not "single" but "apathetic" :P 7 hours ago, Plushval said: By the way, because @Philip027 mentioned it, "virgin" is the same thing for me. I am a virgin, though I also think that this term seems unfitting when you look at its meaning and stigma in society. A virgin is also just a term for someone who's "untouched, innocent", even "holy" or something. What makes it worse in my language is that virgin in German literally means "young woman" (Jungfrau). As if someone who hadn't had sex is not a full human or in this case, a "grown" woman. I prefer to say "I've never had/tried sex (until now)" in that case, since it's automatically linked with a stigma as soon as I use "virgin" as a description. And oh believe me, using the German term is even worse. So it's kind of the same as "single", most people immediately think it is something I'd like or have to change in the future, or I'm seeking to change it, though I'm really not. 🤷♀️ I find that admitting to your virgin status merely puts a target on your back. Likely more so if you own a uterus. Luckily the people I allow into my life don't put me in the situation of having to answer such questions. Link to post Share on other sites
Alejandrogynous Posted June 11, 2020 Share Posted June 11, 2020 I know what you mean, but I prefer to combat the idea that single implies looking than find a new word. I'm single and single means unpartnered, the end. Whatever else people want to assume about me because of that is on them and I really don't care. If I need to hammer the point home, I'll say I'm "blessedly single," or more jokingly that I'm a, "confirmed old bachelor." But really, I'm just single and there's nothing wrong with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Ippiki-ookami Posted June 12, 2020 Share Posted June 12, 2020 The term single doesn't bother me but I somewhat agree that its associated with being in a status where you are yet to find someone. For example, if someone was asking me if I'm single, it is always phrased as are you still single. So that implies its a status that should change eventually. I can literally get asked this question by the same person 10 times and the answer is always the same, along the lines of "yes i am and I'm okay with it". Then I wonder if they'll ever realise the answer will probably always be the same even if they ask the next time Link to post Share on other sites
Plushval Posted June 12, 2020 Author Share Posted June 12, 2020 1 hour ago, Ippiki-ookami said: The term single doesn't bother me but I somewhat agree that its associated with being in a status where you are yet to find someone. For example, if someone was asking me if I'm single, it is always phrased as are you still single. So that implies its a status that should change eventually. I can literally get asked this question by the same person 10 times and the answer is always the same, along the lines of "yes i am and I'm okay with it". Then I wonder if they'll ever realise the answer will probably always be the same even if they ask the next time And also, maybe if you say you're single and you're okay with it, there are still a lot of people who will think: "Yeah, sure...". I feel like because the "single" term is interpreted the way it is, I would rather say something like "I don't have a partner, but enough people around me that I love very much and that's more than enough". Sadly, in the end, it will always just sound like an excuse for someone who doesn't understand at all, I would think. I just don't want people getting it wrong when I say that, thinking it's some kind of invitation or something, cause I know that some seriously are like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Gifted With Singleness Posted June 13, 2020 Share Posted June 13, 2020 Have you considered the word "celibate"? Perhaps that term has overly religious connotations that you're not going for, but it can really help emphasize that you're not at all looking for a partner. You're single, and you fully intend to stay that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Plushval Posted June 13, 2020 Author Share Posted June 13, 2020 14 hours ago, GiftedWithSingleness said: Have you considered the word "celibate"? Perhaps that term has overly religious connotations that you're not going for, but it can really help emphasize that you're not at all looking for a partner. You're single, and you fully intend to stay that way. First of all, no. Secondly, I don't think it would be a good idea for any ace person to use that word because we are still desperately trying to distance ourselves from that term, as it's not at all what all this is about. It's about not feeling the attraction or the need to be in a relationsip or have sex, it's not necessarily a choice. If I were to experience these kind of feelings for someone, I would happily act on it and get into a romantic/sexual relationship. 😉 Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted June 13, 2020 Share Posted June 13, 2020 "Celibate" doesn't tell anyone anything about (not) wanting a partner though. Link to post Share on other sites
Plushval Posted June 13, 2020 Author Share Posted June 13, 2020 5 minutes ago, Homer said: "Celibate" doesn't tell anyone anything about (not) wanting a partner though. Another point. XD Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted June 13, 2020 Share Posted June 13, 2020 Celibate just means you're not having sex. It's different from being abstinent, which says you're not having sex but implies that you would want to if it weren't for extraneous factors (you literally can't abstain from something unless there's some part of you that does actually want that thing) People often interpret these terms as meaning the same thing, likely in part because of the assumption that everyone wants to have sex (like how everyone wants to be in a relationship). But again, people would make this assumption regardless of the terminology you choose. Link to post Share on other sites
Gifted With Singleness Posted June 13, 2020 Share Posted June 13, 2020 1 hour ago, Philip027 said: But again, people would make this assumption regardless of the terminology you choose. This is an important point. The reason people assume that single people are "looking" isn't because of the word "single". It's because they assume that everyone wants/needs to be in a relationship, and therefore you're lacking something important if you're single. It doesn't matter what word you use to communicate your singleness, because the word isn't the problem. Sure, some terminology might be clearer than others, but if people aren't willing to listen to you, that's on them. Assholes will always find ways to be assholes. Link to post Share on other sites
Plushval Posted June 13, 2020 Author Share Posted June 13, 2020 Yeah that's probably true. In the end, it only makes a small to no difference for people who are ridiculously unaccepting. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 13, 2020 Share Posted June 13, 2020 Come Halloween, cut loose about not wanting sex. To the general population it would be the next best thing to a very realistic Martian suit. Link to post Share on other sites
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