I'm new and confused about what I am

[nuka]

On 6/7/2020 at 8:34 PM, Purple Red Panda said:

I've only just figured it out and I'm 39 💜

And I’m 50, I just heard the term yesterday from my teenager and was immediately fascinated- it’s me! And I have just found my people. 

[Sliphgrrl]

I just turned 43, and am only now realising that I am asexual.  I've been married for almost 17 years. We've been a sexless but strongly emotionally supportive relationship for nearly the entire time. There was attraction and some sex early in our marriage, but no sex for years now. We've always hidden behind my husband's prescription-induced impotence as the reason we don't have sex, but we both know that i never really want sex. I thought i was broken or frigid or religion-shamed, or even (I'm horrified to admit) that it was his fault he didn't turn me on. I'm learning a lot here, and wondering when I'll find the courage to discuss it with my husband, because while I'm emotionally bonded to him, I'm asexual and possibly a-romantic?

[will123]

@Sliphgrrl Welcome to AVEN!  You're not alone here, literally and figuratively. A lot of married folks turn to the site when trying to figure things out.

[Sliphgrrl]

Thanks @will123, it helps to read about other relationships 

[aring91]

Hi! I'm confused about myself right now too I hope we will find the answers we're looking for

[Hypochondriactivist]

I felt so called to this thread. I'm 41. I've always known I am queer, but I've been married twice to cis gender hetero men. The first one ended, as I am also definitively child free and he wanted kids. I am 5 years into Marriage #2. We've been together for 10. We've been sexless for over 4 years. I have had a lot of medical issues, and mental health issues and thought for sure that was the "cause". But as soon as I read about asexuality and romantic identities, I knew that was me. Somewhere on that spectrum, I've found myself. My therapist and spouse and one other ace friend IRL know I'm ace. Spouse is not handling it well and is convinced we'll "make love again someday". I'm not sure what is next, but I'm very grateful to have found others like me 💜🖤

[Skycaptain]

@Hypochondriactivist, welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂 

[bookpixie]

I too learned about asexuality later in life. Learned about it 5 years ago when my then teenager was going through finding out who they are, and it clicked.

All those years spent as the square peg. The relationship that ended because I was 'prude'. The confusion of sexual attraction others have. Feeling broken or ill or wrong because I don't fit into what is expected. The only real issues in my marriage have always surrounded the lack of sex.

I'm now 40 and feel very comfortable in who I am knowing I'm Asexual. It's not always easy, being in a mixed relationship, but knowing is half the battle.

[will123]

2 hours ago, bookpixie said:

 

I'm now 40 and feel very comfortable in who I am knowing I'm Asexual.

That's so wonderful to read! A great way to start the day

 

[auntjessie]

Welcome! You have found the right place. I was 33 when I came out as asexual. I was careful with who I told at first because I was reading a lot about it myself. This helped me education the people I told.

 

It’s very under discussed. But we here are doing what we can to fix that. It took me a few weeks to become comfortable with this new truth. But believe me I now feel like a part of me was always hidden away. Now that I’ve “come out” my eyes - as cliche as it sounds - are open. 
 

The right people in your life won’t care if you’re asexual. You may lose people and it’ll hurt but if they can’t accept this about you then it’ll be harder for you to accept it about yourself. 
 

Know that we here accept you and love you. Welcome 🍰

[pickles.]

I hadn't heard the term asexual until I read a newspaper article on the topic in January 2005.  All kinds of light bulbs went on when I read that!  I was 47 then, am 62 now.  I don't think it's surprising if people haven't heard of it; asexuality is still not widely known.

 

Love hearing people's stories. 🥰

[will123]

34 minutes ago, pickles mcgee said:

I hadn't heard the term asexual until I read a newspaper article on the topic in January 2005.  All kinds of light bulbs were going on when I read that!  I was 47 then, am 62 now.  I don't think it's surprising if people haven't heard of it; asexuality is still not widely known.

 

Love hearing people's stories. 🥰

Sounds like my 'awakening' except it was in May LOL

[pickles.]

1 minute ago, will123 said:

Sounds like my 'awakening' except it was in May LOL

Did yours quote David Jay?

[will123]

3 minutes ago, pickles mcgee said:

Did yours quote David Jay?

Yes, I had to check the article.

 

 

The article had been syndicated across Canada. I saw it in one of the three Toronto newspapers. It was in one of the two that were part of national chains in the country, so it was likely other persons and possible asexuals would've read it.

 

I checked out AVEN, but nothing really caught my eye to sign up at the time. I readily identified as asexual after reading the article though. It just made sense and I felt such a relief! 

[pickles.]

2 hours ago, will123 said:

Yes, I had to check the article.

I have tried to find the article I read but have never had any luck.  I read it in an local, alternative newspaper in Salt Lake City.

[NickyTannock]

@uniqueenie A very belated welcome to AVEN!

 

@nuka A very belated welcome to AVEN!

 

@Sliphgrrl A very belated welcome to AVEN!

 

@Hypochondriactivist A very belated welcome to AVEN!

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a "Dream House" cake,

Spoiler

 

https://cakesdecor.com/cakes/263321-dream-house

 

 

[Diana DeLuna]

On 8/28/2020 at 11:36 PM, pickles mcgee said:

I have tried to find the article I read but have never had any luck.  I read it in an local, alternative newspaper in Salt Lake City.

@pickles mcgee, me too!! I've said this to @will123 in the recent past, but I can't find the original article on asexuality that I first read, either! It too featured a young man with a short name that had a prominent "J" in it, and it mentioned his new website "Asexuality.org." So it HAD to be David Jay, yet he would have been really young then, because I was still living in my first apartment, which I moved out of in 2000! The article  was in a 1999 or early 2000 issue of UTNE Reader magazine (sort of a Reader's Digest for liberal alt-media), inside the back cover. My first thought was, "I didn't know boys could be asexual." 

 

Nonetheless, I tore off the article and carried it around for months, and even fucking visited asexuality.org (yes, here!) a few times. Then I moved to a new apartment in 2000 and must have thrown it away. Drives me crazy because I'm known for saving things like that. I didn't think asexuality would ever go anywhere. I gave up on it, and insidiously erased myself in the process. Shame on me, right? LOL.

 

[Catsong]

On 6/7/2020 at 7:34 PM, Disturbia said:

Does it normally take about 41 years to figure out that you're asexual/greysexual? Do people not like us or are there not many of us? Should I be careful about telling people?

I'm a little late to this post, but anyway! I didn't realize I was demisexual until I was 40, simply because I hadn't encountered the term before! I mean, I knew I didn't feel the same way about sex as most of my friends, but it just wasn't a big deal. I did think for a while when I was a teenager that I might be asexual (so I had heard of asexuality even back then, though I don't remember where) but then I found myself in a sexual/romantic relationship and was like "Okay, I guess I'm not asexual. Good to know, I guess." But it didn't really concern me otherwise and I didn't give it too much thought until a few years ago when I ran across the term demisexual. That was a total lightbulb moment! While I wasn't Bothered by my total lack of interest in sex, it was nice to have an explanation and a way of classifying how I felt. It helps normalize things, I suppose. I'm not just 'kinda weird.' 😆

 

I suspect that a lot of asexuals simply don't broadcast it, in part because it can be much easier to fly under the radar than for people of other orientations. I don't think any of my friends, many of whom I'm quite close to and I know would be extremely supportive, know that I identify as demisexual. I have plenty of gay, bi, etc. friends but am not aware of any that are asexual. It's certainly possible though--after all, they would probably think the same about me.  

[will123]

10 minutes ago, Catsong said:

I'm a little late to this post, but anyway! I didn't realize I was demisexual until I was 40, simply because I hadn't encountered the term before! I mean, I knew I didn't feel the same way about sex as most of my friends, but it just wasn't a big deal. I did think for a while when I was a teenager that I might be asexual (so I had heard of asexuality even back then, though I don't remember where) but then I found myself in a sexual/romantic relationship and was like "Okay, I guess I'm not asexual. Good to know, I guess." But it didn't really concern me otherwise and I didn't give it too much thought until a few years ago when I ran across the term demisexual. That was a total lightbulb moment! While I wasn't Bothered by my total lack of interest in sex, it was nice to have an explanation and a way of classifying how I felt. It helps normalize things, I suppose. I'm not just 'kinda weird.' 😆

 

I suspect that a lot of asexuals simply don't broadcast it, in part because it can be much easier to fly under the radar than for people of other orientations. I don't think any of my friends, many of whom I'm quite close to and I know would be extremely supportive, know that I identify as demisexual. I have plenty of gay, bi, etc. friends but am not aware of any that are asexual. It's certainly possible though--after all, they would probably think the same about me.  

That's a great way to put it!

 

On the second and third bolds, the two comments are kind of related. We may have friends or know people that are LGBT, but asexuals aren't 'visible'. As a result we aren't in 'contact' with any aces.

 

On the other hand, I've read a lot of posts from younger asexuals that knew someone that identified as asexual before their own self-identification. 

[Let Them Beet Cake]

What a difference growing up with the internet has made huh?  Life altering information just a few key strokes away.  I'm glad that kids now won't have to wait 60 years like I did to figure themselves out. 

[stuttrboy]

I think it was about 2 years ago that I realized I was Ace.  I'm 46 now.  I just figured I had a much lower libido than my friends, which I guess is kind of the definition of ACE.  I struggled with the identity for a bit because I would masturbate, I thought boobs were great but was a bit grossed out by genitals...besides my own anyway.  Ace is a spectrum though, so I wouldn't worry about the label and just do you.

 

[colin1]

I recently turned 40 and came across asexuality around the time i first had sex about 2 years ago. I've only had a handful of girlfriends and never had sex with any of them. Any bedroom encounters were incredibly embarrassing with relationships short-lived, and i always put lack of sex down to nerves. I was in AA and i talked with my mentor who suggested having sex with an escort, which i did - mainly to remove the V sign from round my neck, but i hated the experience. It was round this time i found out about asexuality. When i told my AA mentor that i think I'm asexual, he dismissed it, so I'm reluctant to tell anyone else (though I've drifted from AA and I'm very much alone now anyway), but I'm thankful I've found this site. I find it hard to accept I'm asexual in a world that is so sexual. Having now read plenty about asexuality, i know i fit in this spectrum, yet i find it hard to admit to, if that makes sense? 

[dancingbird]

On 6/7/2020 at 4:34 PM, Disturbia said:

Hello everyone. I'm 42 and I'm kinda just really figuring out that I'm asexual/greysexual. I read a small post last year and it explained about a few things and that's kinda when it clicked but then that was all I saw and thought maybe it's not taken seriously. 

Since then I have found information about it but found it's not discussed hardly anywhere and people don't share that they are asexual as much as people are open about other sexual orientations. 

The one friend I told hasn't contacted me since so I guess I'm going to have to be very careful who I tell from now on. 

I have friends that are hetero, pan, gay and bi but I don't know one asexual and to be honest it's really unsettling. 

Does it normally take about 41 years to figure out that you're asexual/greysexual? Do people not like us or are there not many of us? Should I be careful about telling people?

I'm 42 and this is day one for me in considering that I am on what appears to me to be an "asexual continuum". I have hesitated diving any deeper previously because I'd say 99% of the humans I know don't think asexuality is real, or have zero point of relation when I tell them that I have never looked objectively at a person and thought "wow, they are hot and I wonder what they are like in bed". That is not at all what attracts me to a person. I assure them that my body parts definitely work and that I LOVE having a single partner to experience the gushing oh-let-me-count-the-ways-I-adore-you, romantically-hightened, sensual moments with. I want partnership. I love partnership. I love team work and collaborating and knowing you have a person – your person – to endure this human condition with and make good memories with and BE A FAMILY WITH.

I don't want my lack of sexual output to keep being the thing that stands in the way of having an enduring, adventurous, and very alive romantic partnership!

Most people I mention these things to think I have severe issues and need some sort of sex therapy or maybe a psychiatrist. Some still believe I simply haven't met the "right one" yet. I sure hope that is true. I am really clear about what it is that I want. I just didn't know until today that my fantasies could still potentially play out in real life. Yeah, my fantasy of a marriage with the knob of "sexual output" dialed way-the-heck down from whatever decibel this culture's "normal" range is. I simply cannot take another man telling me how awesome I am at life and friendships but how worthless I am to him because of how infrequently I desire sex.

 

Anyway - regardless of whether I "come out" or not as being on the asexual spectrum in the future, I am simply grateful to find others here and begin to consider that I am not alone in what feels to me to be a sexual hell on earth. To let go of the whole act I used to play out for men is enormously liberating either way. For me, I want to shout it out loud and in every corner of the earth because for me it gives me permission to return to my innocence and joy-bubble of life. No more uncomfortable and awkward clothing and poses. No more disassociating from my identity to flash some pornographic image of my flesh his way so he can scratch an undying itch to own and dominate me. No more disfiguring, diminishing, and denigration of my spirit to fit. It's over. If this asexual spectrum truly does exist for males, then I see this as my rebirth and not my death! 

[Mamakdawg]

On 6/7/2020 at 6:54 PM, Disturbia said:

Thank you for the reply. That explains a lot then. 1% is unbelievable low. 

Do you know of it usually takes people as long as it took me to realise? 

 

I'm 41 and just now figuring out my sexuality. I think I'm ace but not ready to commit to the label. The tricky part for me is that I'm married with kids.

[Mamakdawg]

On 8/15/2020 at 9:39 PM, Sliphgrrl said:

I just turned 43, and am only now realising that I am asexual.  I've been married for almost 17 years. We've been a sexless but strongly emotionally supportive relationship for nearly the entire time. There was attraction and some sex early in our marriage, but no sex for years now. We've always hidden behind my husband's prescription-induced impotence as the reason we don't have sex, but we both know that i never really want sex. I thought i was broken or frigid or religion-shamed, or even (I'm horrified to admit) that it was his fault he didn't turn me on. I'm learning a lot here, and wondering when I'll find the courage to discuss it with my husband, because while I'm emotionally bonded to him, I'm asexual and possibly a-romantic?

I'm in the same boat as you. I'm married with 3 kids and just now figuring out my sexuality. My husband has no idea.

Did you ever tell your husband?

[will123]

On 3/17/2021 at 12:50 AM, dancingbird said:

I'm 42 and this is day one for me in considering that I am on what appears to me to be an "asexual continuum". I have hesitated diving any deeper previously because I'd say 99% of the humans I know don't think asexuality is real, or have zero point of relation when I tell them that I have never looked objectively at a person and thought "wow, they are hot and I wonder what they are like in bed". That is not at all what attracts me to a person. I assure them that my body parts definitely work and that I LOVE having a single partner to experience the gushing oh-let-me-count-the-ways-I-adore-you, romantically-hightened, sensual moments with. I want partnership. I love partnership. I love team work and collaborating and knowing you have a person – your person – to endure this human condition with and make good memories with and BE A FAMILY WITH.

I don't want my lack of sexual output to keep being the thing that stands in the way of having an enduring, adventurous, and very alive romantic partnership!

Most people I mention these things to think I have severe issues and need some sort of sex therapy or maybe a psychiatrist. Some still believe I simply haven't met the "right one" yet. I sure hope that is true. I am really clear about what it is that I want. I just didn't know until today that my fantasies could still potentially play out in real life. Yeah, my fantasy of a marriage with the knob of "sexual output" dialed way-the-heck down from whatever decibel this culture's "normal" range is. I simply cannot take another man telling me how awesome I am at life and friendships but how worthless I am to him because of how infrequently I desire sex.

 

Anyway - regardless of whether I "come out" or not as being on the asexual spectrum in the future, I am simply grateful to find others here and begin to consider that I am not alone in what feels to me to be a sexual hell on earth. To let go of the whole act I used to play out for men is enormously liberating either way. For me, I want to shout it out loud and in every corner of the earth because for me it gives me permission to return to my innocence and joy-bubble of life. No more uncomfortable and awkward clothing and poses. No more disassociating from my identity to flash some pornographic image of my flesh his way so he can scratch an undying itch to own and dominate me. No more disfiguring, diminishing, and denigration of my spirit to fit. It's over. If this asexual spectrum truly does exist for males, then I see this as my rebirth and not my death! 

When I found out about asexuality when I was 44 it was great to know why I'd never made any effort to have sex with a girl or a guy.

 

And yes, about your last sentence I felt the same too!

[will123]

On 3/14/2021 at 1:21 PM, colin1 said:

I recently turned 40 and came across asexuality around the time i first had sex about 2 years ago. I've only had a handful of girlfriends and never had sex with any of them. Any bedroom encounters were incredibly embarrassing with relationships short-lived, and i always put lack of sex down to nerves. I was in AA and i talked with my mentor who suggested having sex with an escort, which i did - mainly to remove the V sign from round my neck, but i hated the experience. It was round this time i found out about asexuality. When i told my AA mentor that i think I'm asexual, he dismissed it, so I'm reluctant to tell anyone else (though I've drifted from AA and I'm very much alone now anyway), but I'm thankful I've found this site. I find it hard to accept I'm asexual in a world that is so sexual. Having now read plenty about asexuality, i know i fit in this spectrum, yet i find it hard to admit to, if that makes sense? 

I had considered that as well when I was in my late 30s. The illegality of the whole thing quickly put the kibosh on that. Two friendships later (one still ongoing) and I found out about asexuality which I strongly embraced.

[Mandyb2]

Im 41 and have just recently found out about the asexual thing too. I am embarrassed about it too. I dont even join facebook groups unless they are private as i dont want any of my friends knowing. Plus most of the facebook groups are in the usa. Ive not found any thats here in scotland/glasgow. Id love to find a genuine dating site for "us" i was widowed 4 years ago, after being together nearly 20 years. Im mega mega lonely and would like someone like me to share life with. Im not sex repulsed and wouldnt mind it now and again. But defo dont need it. I love to kiss and cuddle an be romantic. There probably not alot of people out ther that would fit into that eh?