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I don't get when aces dress sexy


songchick

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Interviewers determine how fit I am for a job by asking me irrelevant questions about my life that have nothing to do with the job and seeing how well I can answer them (to their satisfaction), which honestly doesn't feel that much different than doing it based on attire.

 

Either way, you're just putting on a show.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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Personally, as an aro-ace, I don't associate wearing "sexy" clothes with the idea of sex. I like to wear tight fitting or a little showy clothes sometimes because that's how I want to look or feel. I like to feel confident about my body (still struggling with that a bit) and wear clothes that I like depending day. If I'm wearing more showy or tight-fitting clothes, I don't attribute that to sex at all.

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On 6/8/2020 at 2:57 PM, Moon Spirit ☽ said:

@Anommamous Rape isn't about sex, it's an act of violence that the rapist commits to try to feel powerful. 

In the vast majority of rape cases, the rapist gets sexual gratification from that particular kind of sexual act: violent, and out of the victim's control. It's a MASSIVE, and very dangerous, myth that rape is always about power (and it's unfortunately that many professional sources insist that's always the case) :c . Most rapes are literally just about a person only being able to receive sexual gratification through violent forced sex. This is why serial rapists become more and more brutal as they continue to attack people: They become desensitized and stop enjoying it as much, so have to commit acts that become more and more brutal to get the same level of sexual gratification as they originally did. 

 

There was actually a study done where they interviewed every rapist in a prison in Africa (I think) and only like 2% of them said they did it solely as a display of power and not out of sexual motivation.

 

(edit: of course power is part of that sexual gratification - they have total power over a helpless person who is suffering. But the power isn't the motivation, the sexual gratification is the motivation because they cannot be satisfied from 'normal' sex.)

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Gucci_Grape

Fashion is not inherently linked to sexual attention. A woman who wears a short skirt or a mesh top isn't necessarily wearing those items to be seen as attractive. People wear what makes them happy. If what makes you happy is bondage gear, or baggy hoodies, that is all up to the individual person.

I'm personally quite modest, but I still like wearing crop tops and tight pants because I like how they make my body look. Some people may think it's sexy, but I'm not wearing crop tops so people will check me out. Sexual advances when I'm wearing "sexier" clothes make me super uncomfortable, but it isn't my fault for wearing what I feel comfortable in. People shouldn't instantly see a certain type of clothing as an invitation to get into someone's pants. We should train people in society to not see people and their clothes as an invitation. I always think about it like this: Someone wearing a sexy outfit who gets sexually assaulted shouldn't be blamed for being assaulted just because of their clothes. The same should go for less serious forms of unwanted sexual advances. It's a slippery thought process to get into. "Someone catcalled her, but it's her fault for wearing booty shorts" is seriously problematic.

It all boils down to fashion being a form of self expression. And anyone is allowed to express themselves however they want without being judged. I have been told I can't possibly be asexual because I actively try to be appealing or traditionally "attractive." It's hurtful and unfair. Not saying that you are being hurtful with your post. Just some input from an asexual person who sometimes wears traditionally "sexy" clothing. 

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28 minutes ago, Gucci_Grape said:

Just some input from an asexual person who sometimes wears traditionally "sexy" clothing. 

Yes and on the flip-side, there are many (I'd say a majority) of sexual people who don't dress 'sexy' at all. How one dresses has no bearing on their sexual orientation, so it seems odd to me for someone to think asexuals should HAVE to dress a specific way :o 

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Gucci_Grape
4 minutes ago, PanFicto. said:

Yes and on the flip-side, there are many (I'd say a majority) of sexual people who don't dress 'sexy' at all. How one dresses has no bearing on their sexual orientation, so it seems odd to me for someone to think asexuals should HAVE to dress a specific way :o 

Exactly! It feels like a weird standard that is built on unnecessary judgement. I was scared to dress the way I wanted to for YEARS because I was worried it would invalidate me. That doesn't make sense! A pair of fishnet stockings doesn't determine my sexual identity. 

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I feel like the way I dress does not relate to any sexual orientation if I am going off of stereotypes. My mom says I dress conservatively for the most part, and I typically like to wear workout clothes, t shirts, and leggings. I'm just basic haha. I used to wear sexy clothing but my college days are over and I'm tired all the time.

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@songchick

 

I used to wear clothes others would consider sexy but not because I cared what anyone else thought of me. I actually didn't like or want sex, and didn't want people to want sex with me, but wore the kinds of clothes that i thought looked cool on myself and others. This included very tight corsets, fishnet stockings, lace tops that were see-through, lace fingerless gloves, high lace-up heels with thigh-high stockings, lots of leather and velvet and lace, all very tight. Also very, very tiny skirts. I loved tiny skirts. 

 

But those types of clothes don't exist solely to attract people for sex. SOME people wear clothes like that for the purpose of sex, but others (and this is a LOT of people) wear clothes that would be considered 'sexy' by some because THEY LIKE THEM and they feel that they look cool in those types of clothes. That's all there is too it.

 

Now my clothes are usually baggy T-shirts with old track pants and a dressing gown, that's what I'm wearing most days. That doesn't make me any more or less sexual than I used to be. I'm not suddenly an asexual just because I don't wear 'sexy' clothes anymore.

 

Anyway what I'm getting at is that clothes exist independently of weather or not you're hoping to attract people sexually. Some people with food-stained baggy old smelly clothes are out hoping to attract a sexual partner, some people in a mini-skirt and push-up bra are wanting to have a fun night with their friends and couldn't care less what anyone else thinks of them.

 

Clothes are not inherently sexual or asexual. That's all.

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On 6/12/2020 at 11:16 AM, PanFicto. said:

 

Clothes are not inherently sexual or asexual. That's all.

Yup. And asexuals come in all shapes, forms and clothes.

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Asexy in Miami

Hi there. I tend to wear a lot of tank tops/shorts on the weekends  because I’m proud of my work in the gym (well, home now, due to covid). I don’t do it to turn women on (if I did, I wouldn’t be here lol) I do it for me. I feel kind of sh$&@y about myself, due to the lack of women looking for a guy who doesn’t want sex. So, I’ll do anything to boost my self image, whether it’s the way I dress, or doing something nice for someone..or feeding a stray animal (I feed every dog and cat lol) 

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eeyore_fan121

I don't think its about sexual attraction. Even though I don't want people to sleep with me, I still want to look nice. Just because I'm ace doesn't mean I want to look like a slob. Making yourself look good makes you feel good. 

 

I think thats something a lot of people have wrong. Not everything a girl does is to get a guys attention. Some girls like to do things because it makes themselves feel good! 

 

Personally I don't like showing off my body, but I don't like baggy clothes either! A lot of shirts they sell show some cleavage, its not the end of the world to me if I show some. But there are limits to what I show. 

 

I'm really surprised by the comments on this thread. This is the same mindset as "girls are asking for it by the way they dress". If I'm going to the pool or the beach, I'm going to wear a bikini because I'm going swimming, not because I want people to be sexually attracted to me.

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I don't view looking good as sexually related in any way. I still try to maintain a good appearance, and I don't blame anyone who wants to look sexy, even if they don't want to actually have sex. Looking good feels good.

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I'm a sex-repulsed aroace and while I like to wear nice clothes, I don't like the idea of wearing clothes to advertise myself as a sexual entity (oh, the horror of being perceived...)

 

BUUUT one of my favourite ace headcanons is Jessica Rabbit! I'm sure a lot of you have seen the original tumblr post with the idea, but the gist was, she loves Roger because he makes her laugh, and "I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way."

 

I really love ace Jessica Rabbit.

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long nights

I love this type of posts because it can bring to light very interesting contrasts between aces. Love it! 💕

I like skirts, to show a lot of skin, dresses.. I looove all of that. Personally, I am never trying to look for other people's attention. I don't do it for other people but for myself. I feel comfortable wearing that type of clothing and it has been like that ever since I was a child. I don't consider it "sexy" because I have never associated my taste with "sex" or wanting to look desirable for someone else, even if society as a whole would. I like feeling free, i don't like wearing clothes that would make me sweat or restrict movement. I like to feel I can take off running and be as slight as the breeze or stretch and not feel my clothes are squeezing me. I also love makeup because I am in love with aesthetics and I love experimenting with how different strokes could change the way my eyes look and so on, or how different types of lip gloss changes the overall look. Showing a lot of skin can, of course, attract attention. But that is not something that belongs to me. Does it make me feel uncomfortable? Yes, it does. I don't like being stared at, I never have, but I won't, by any means, stop wearing what I want because someone would stare at my butt, my chest or my legs. Granted, I can handle being stared at. It does not cripple me in any way and that is why I keep dressing the way I do. All in all I see it the same way I did when I was a little girl, I dressed the way that made me feel most comfortable 😊

My motivation to dress the way I do is DEFINITELY not getting it on with someone LMAO 🤣

It it nos even in the top five of reasons why I dress like this.

 

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I wear a make-up a and dress sexy. It has nothing to do with my asexuality.

 

I just do things I enjoy.

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On 6/8/2020 at 12:09 AM, Gloomy said:

Personally I often think form fitting and scantily clad clothes are actually more comfortable than big baggy clothes, especially when the weather is hot. That’s why I sometimes just sleep in my underwear. And like others have said it can be a confidence thing.

I agree with the big baggy clothes remark but I feel the opposite with form fitting (as in tight) and scantily clad clothes. The hem (sorry for the pun) me in too much I feel. A floaty maxi skirt can be very refreshing for instance and they can even almost make you feel like you're not wearing anything. 

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On 6/8/2020 at 8:13 AM, Karret said:

"bad ass"

Maybe I'm misinterpreting the expression but this is something I don't get. How dressing like a nasty person or a gangster can be attractive. #asexual I suppose 😄

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On 6/9/2020 at 9:57 PM, Purple Red Panda said:

Going off topic a bit but the strange desire society has for dictating how women should dress ends up with things like this happening.

Yes, you should ruin your feet and legs to get a job for some companies, and then comes the excuse, 'it's not us, it's them' when the press makes something of it. It's a bit like the stock phrase 'your opinion matters to us' (add, if it affects our profit margin otherwise we don't care) </rant> 😁

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On 6/11/2020 at 1:54 AM, Gloomy said:

I have to wonder if the people who come up with rules like that have a foot fetish or something.

It's the business equivalent to men having to wear a tie to some extent. The difference is that men don't get strangled by their tie (much).

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Conscious Cat-Panda

You can dress smart w/o dressing sexy. And sometimes you'd want to dress sexy. For me dressing sharp is sexy

 

I've been through all of these phases, baggy clothes being the dominant one. There were days when I would dress smart for occasion, and others where my dresses were deemed 'unsuitable' by male gaze.

 

But for the last two years I've been wearing very simple, oversized kinda clothes mostly because I felt I'm not worthy of carrying on the smart ones. It wasn't until my sister helped me pick clothes and update my wardrobe that I realised what was missing. I had been in silent depression (unaware), and wearing something nice made me feel better about myself. I'm still cautious about looking overtly sexual, but I try to let myself win everyday (not what others would think).

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Someone Else

So many asexuals don't know what attractiveness even is, it's all just guesswork based on stereotypes. 

Baggy clothes don't always equate less attractive.  Less close to porn, sure, but not guaranteed to be less attractive.  Some people don't want someone who dresses like a porn star, and casual/baggy clothes will seem more attractive, more approachable, indicating a person who might not be high maintenance, and for some simply a better match.  

"Smart" clothes often have very little to do with truly being attractive.  IF anything a formal business suit for women will put off a lot of men who can't handle that in a woman.

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I don't mind dressing up,  but someone always  looks at me and someone HAS to say something. I don't want people looking at me! Don't tell me I look nice or anything. Just don't mention it.  Just let me get through the thing, whatever it is, so I can go back home and be comfortable.

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Peace_of_Ace

Hmm.  I wouldn't say I dress "sexy" but I wear clothes that are form fitting or I wear dresses.  I like to look physically appealing.  It makes me feel more confident. 

 

Here's the thing.  I'm not interested in sex, but I do like attention.  I'm a performer.  I do community theater and I'm in a band.  So I do like to be the sparkly thing in the room sometimes.  It doesn't make me a "tease" as I've unfortunately been accused of.  I'm just being me.


Be careful not to put asexuals all in the same box of being introverts in baggy clothes (which is totally cool, don't get me wrong).  Don't forget that aces come in many delightful flavors and we shouldn't be judged for not conforming to what you might think we should be.

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Peace_of_Ace
On 6/17/2020 at 4:38 PM, FireMoon42 said:

I'm a sex-repulsed aroace and while I like to wear nice clothes, I don't like the idea of wearing clothes to advertise myself as a sexual entity (oh, the horror of being perceived...)

 

BUUUT one of my favourite ace headcanons is Jessica Rabbit! I'm sure a lot of you have seen the original tumblr post with the idea, but the gist was, she loves Roger because he makes her laugh, and "I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way."

 

I really love ace Jessica Rabbit.

Yes!  Or more obscurely, Quinn from Daria.  I relate to her a lot.  But also to Daria which is confusing, lol.

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On 6/20/2020 at 1:23 PM, Acing It said:

Maybe I'm misinterpreting the expression but this is something I don't get. How dressing like a nasty person or a gangster can be attractive. #asexual I suppose 😄

Bad ass - someone who looks like they could handle themselves in a fight, are competent in a variety of skills, or just cool in general.

 

Also, here's what OP mentioned: "dressing attractively with cleavage, tight clothes and a lot of makeup."

Those don't inherently mean someone is "nasty" or a gangster [which, btw, at least in media depictions, mafia fellas look pretty bad ass/classy and they're also gangsters.. sooo]
Either way, unless they're literally like... covered in sores, fluids, garbage, muck etc.... to call them "nasty" just because they might not dress conservatively is extremely judgmental and rather shitty.
For example:
Would you consider goths to be "nasty" people?

Spoiler

 Goth Girl | Goth | Know Your MemeModel: Darya Goncharova * goth, goth girl, goth fashion, goth ...Goth girls are hot - beautiful post - Imgur

Spoiler

 Intro to Cyber Goth: Goth's Futuristic Side

Spoiler

 Deathrocker | Punk girl, Deathrock fashion, PunkDeathhawk † #DeathRocker Fashion | Deathrock fashion, Punk girl ...Death Rocker Couple by lena3648 on DeviantArt

 

I don't. I consider them to be bad asses - or at minimum, look it. Some might see their outfits as sexy though. But just because some folks see it as sexy doesn't mean it's not bad ass. So, if an ace wants to dress in a bad ass way that happens to show off or accentuate their body, it doesn't mean they're doing it to look sexy. And looking sexy doesn't mean it's "nasty" or that the person themselves is "nasty".


And just for reference, here's some mafia gangster pictures:

Spoiler

 Black American Mafia Gangster Man Suit Stock Photo (Edit Now ...Meet The Cast Of 'The Making Of The Mob' | Mafia wallpaper, Series ...

and here's what they actually looked liked:

italian mafia 30's | Mobster, Real gangster, Mafia gangsterAl Capone HISTORIC Vintage Photo Mafia Bootlegger Mob Gangster ...


Also, in case you didn't notice... I'm ace, too. And I see the appeal of looking bad ass... I don't see it in a sexual way, just in a "OOoooo that looks awesome" way, but I see the appeal, even if it's in my own way. So, no... not seeing the appeal is not an #asexual thing; it's probably just a you thing; maybe a conservative thing.

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Gucci_Grape
On 6/20/2020 at 2:23 PM, Acing It said:

Maybe I'm misinterpreting the expression but this is something I don't get. How dressing like a nasty person or a gangster can be attractive. #asexual I suppose 😄

You equating "gangster" fashion with "nasty" is really bothering me. I am taking up the assumption that the image of "gangster" you have is something like this.

c60b53211dfe298e0123c21a7ed63944.695x100hqdefault.jpg

And equating this fashion style to "nastiness" and writing it off as unattractive is seriously problematic. This fashion style is a very important expression of culture for many black people. It might not be your taste, but it is incredibly disrespectful to imply that there is something inherently wrong with the fashion choice. You can probably guess that I'm asexual, and on top of that, I am black. So no, it's not a #asexual thing to scoff at how people express their culture through fashion. 

If you would like to do some reading on the cultural importance of urban fashion styles, please feel free to PM me! I have some interesting literature about it that I think could be helpful for anyone to understand this. It isn't something people think about if they themselves are not black, and there is no shame in that. (This offer goes to anyone else who is interested in learning about this!)

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On 6/7/2020 at 11:14 PM, songchick said:

I've seen a couple of YouTube videos of 2 different young women saying they're asexual, but then they're dressing attractively with cleavage, tight clothes and a lot of makeup. It's really uncomfortable for me to hear this. I don't even understand why one would dress like that if sexual attention is not wanted, I mean, I guess they want to look attractive. But can asexuality define what attractiveness is, in its own way?

I kinda get it, for two reasons. First, I'm aroace, but I experience aesthetic attraction, I think some humans & their bodies look easthetically, in a non-sexual way, beautiful. So I could see why some aces wanted to wear something "sexy". They might simply think it emphasises their bodies nicely. Heck, I even agree that some BDSM accessories make a nice contrast and emphasize the body neatly from the purely aesthetic point of view :D

 

And second, as an aroace I also wore the basic fashionable sexy/ revealing female fashion for years, simplty because I thought that was what I was supposed to do, to look neat and socially acceptable. Before I found AVEN, it literally never came to my mind that the clothes I wear would make anyone sexually attracted to me. Which for certain caused many misunderstandings when I was a teen. Nowadays it seems just obvious, but back in the days I never viewed anyone sexually myself (still don't ;D ), so I didn't understand that most of the people view others throughout allosexual lenses constantly.

 

I guess for some ace people it could also be an empowering thing, to wear something sexy, to oppose the stereotype that aces are innocent and immature or can't understand or have anything to do with anything sexual. Maybe the people you saw were sex-favoring aces? Whatever the reason, I think you just have to accept that some people wear clothes you never would. If it makes them happy, that's the only reason you ever need :)

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On 6/7/2020 at 11:31 PM, DarkGloomSquid said:

Its all about also feeling good in your own skin not just attractiveness. They like how they look , it makes them feel good. 

 

They not dressing for sexual attention but themselves. Contrary to popular belief a shit load of people dress for themselves and love how they look, if its baggy clothes or sexy clothes its for their own comfort not for others. 

Exactly. After I started to wear baggy clothes (since I realized I'm not obligated to wear fashionably and I should feel comfortable with the clothes I wear), I've gotten the opposite misconception: "nobody will find you sexually attractive that way, you must have really poor self-esteem for hiding your body, not wanting to look sexually attractive must be the only reason (for females) to not wear reveal clothes".

 

For the background, I identify as questioning nb, I don't find appearing like a woman comfortable to begin with, and I personally think I look better today than I ever did before in my life.

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On 6/7/2020 at 9:14 PM, songchick said:

I don't even understand why one would dress like that if sexual attention is not wanted,

I'm in two minds about this. 

 

Just because a girl is showing cleavage, flesh or legs does not mean there is a desire to get sexual attention. A lot of fashion is just that way. But, on the other hand I know that some girls do dress in particular ways to get attention.

 

I do wear short skirts and low-ish tops but I have my limits because I am conscious that you can very easily cross the line into dressing to be what people may think to be sexually appealing.

 

 

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Janus the Fox

Sexy dress is also only perceived by those only looking.  It’s within the eye of the beholder, just a thought.  Cultural standards and awareness of and for it does play a part.

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