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Need Somewhere to Rant


MadamGlitch

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MadamGlitch

So I haven't really been here in a long while. However, I recently started needing someone to talk to. I don't feel comfortable with my asexuality with anyone else since I don't really have an asexual friends to talk to. This is the only place I can think of to go to talk and have people understand me. This will be a bit tmi, and I apologize for that. 

 

Sometimes I question whether or not I'm actually asexual due to my libido. Sometimes it isn't there, and sometimes it's there in full force. When I was dating my recent ex, it was there in full force. I really hate having a libido because I don't want it. I know I'm asexual, and I don't need or want a libido. All it does is make me question myself and make me feel less validated. I wish I could just get rid of it. 

 

Has anyone else gone through this?

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everywhere and nowhere

Having a libido doesn't make you less asexual. Being asexual is about not desiring partnered sex, and not about having no sexual feelings whatsoever.

Libido is not just a drive for partnered sex, it's a drive for sexual stimulation, sexual pleasure. If you know very well in you mind that you simply don't want to have partnered sex, you don't have to interpret your libido as signs of "your body wanting partnered sex". I know mine doesn't, I know it wants to be well hidden under colourful clothes and never used for sex by anyone.

What are your feelings about autoeroticism and fantasies? If you're, for example, repulsed by self-pleasuring, I'm not the one to question it. It's your life, not mine. But if what is keeping you from following your libido into fantasies (which obviously don't have to include yourself), self-pleasuring, reading erotica and similar activities is a feeling that it would make you "un-asexual" - no, quite many asexuals do such things, you are not "betraying" your asexual identity by doing it. I obviously don't know what are your exact feelings about it, and I also consider it a legitimate feeling to be annoyed by one's libido (for example because accepting oneself is usually a good thing, but can't be obligatory - everyone has a right to wish they were different in this or that respect). But if you only hate your libido because you feel that it makes you "un-asexual" - rest assured that it doesn't and try to become friends with it. ;)

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Sometimes Jack

I am pretty sure my libido is why it took me into my thirties to figure out I was asexual.  I figured 'well, I have a libido, I have the ability to find people attractive and/or be drawn to them, clearly I am not asexual'.  And then I had that 'aha' moment when I realized the two facts were independent of each other.  I can imagine being in a relationship with another person could exacerbate the problem.  I can tell you that you are not alone; I am asexual and I have a libido and it can be very confusing and annoying.

 

I did find one single upside to my libido though.  Whenever anybody tries to pull the 'maybe you aren't asexual; maybe it's a medical issue', I can definitively say 'no, I still experience sexual desire, no problem with my hormone levels or whatever, it's just not directed towards anyone'.

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