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I had to get a handjob to fit in with the group.


Adam_Apples

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Adam_Apples

The following took place before I discovered Asexuality 

 

A year ago I got deployed to the Caribbean for 6 months of disaster relief. a nice relaxing time to drink and see a bit of the world. 

 

The first month went really well, I had respect for the guys I was working with, we had visited 4 separate countries, Dominican Republic, Bermuda, St Vincent and Martinique. Things were going well and I was loving life. Then people started to change, almost all the guys I was working with were married, have partners, girlfriends and kids; except for me and a couple of other lads. When we got to Barbados we went to a massive street party and I started noticing that all these lads that we're "happily married" were making out with girls from the party. I thought it was a little bit weird but I quickly got over it. But as we got to all these different islands the guys started "shagging" different girls every night, at that point I was starting to think. Is sex really that important to these people, that they can't keep it in their pants for the 6 months away I mean really? why would they put their relationships at risk for a shag?

 

As I got to the last months of the trip, people started saying they are going to get me laid. So I played along "yay sex". Got to the "big night" and nothing happed why is that then? because I didn't even try. I started to realise I didn't work the same way as everyone else. I just had no interest at all. The day after I paid for a massage with a happy ending. I have no idea why I did it. Maybe I was sick of feeling like a freak that gets no sex. As they she was touching me down stairs, It took me a while to get hard, I even struggled to cum. I felt shameful afterwards, but that's it I'm now part of the group now. How pathetic is that? I had to get a handjob to fit in with the group. 

 

Anyway I look back at this story and feel nothing but regret, but it does confirm that I've ticked a lot of the marks on the asexual test. I don't know If I'll ever forgive myself. 

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7 minutes ago, Adam_Apples said:

... disaster relief ... a nice relaxing time to drink and see a bit of the world. 

You kind of lost my sympathy there.

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Adam_Apples

yeah the time between you getting supplies and doing work, you spend on beaches and drink a lot. It was while during hurricane Dorian in the Bahamas. We got deployed after the hurricane hit, I understand I sounded like a dick, but that's the way that kind of deployment works. We would prefer It if a hurricane didn't happen. 

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That sounds messed up, yet not too uncommon... can confirm I have been through something similar like you did. I am glad that you're okay.

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Purple Red Panda
33 minutes ago, Adam_Apples said:

Anyway I look back at this story and feel nothing but regret, but it does confirm that I've ticked a lot of the marks on the asexual test. I don't know If I'll ever forgive myself. 

To be honest I think it really is just is a case of 'what's done is done'. You can't go back and change the past and although it was a negative experience at least you seem to have learnt something from it. I seriously doubt you are the only asexual person who has done something like this, before I realised I was asexual I at least flirted with the idea. My advice would be to try and forgive yourself and move on.

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Janus the Fox

[Not required any more, it's been resolved]

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I think you're being too hard on yourself. I too experimented / still do experiment with my sexuality. Sometimes I'm interested in trying sex, sometimes I'm not. I never have, but I've done other things, and while it's super easy to feel regret right after they happen, just remind yourself you're just learning, it's all new, as long as you did it safely and with the consent of both you and any other people involved, it's ok. Sometimes, not enjoying the experience (ie. the handjob) can be just as meaningful for you as enjoying it. Ie. by not enjoying it, you have helped yourself define who you are and what is acceptable to you. 

 

As for the married men sleeping with other people, there's nothing you can do to control them or make them not do it. Just keep that in mind for yourself and any future relationships and make sure you do better. 

 

Personally, I lied to my friends about my experience with sex. I've dug myself so far into this hole and don't know how to pull myself out of it. So I 100% regret that, but I understand why younger me lied. It's just a question now of what will I do to fix that situation?

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Phantasmal Fingers
1 hour ago, Adam_Apples said:

I felt shameful afterwards, but that's it I'm now part of the group now. How pathetic is that? I had to get a handjob to fit in with the group. 

 

Anyway I look back at this story and feel nothing but regret, but it does confirm that I've ticked a lot of the marks on the asexual test. I don't know If I'll ever forgive myself. 

Don't you think that, if anyone should feel ashamed, it's the guys you were working with? Assuming they hadn't got open relationships with their wives/girlfriends, that is. (Did you ask them?)

 

If you're single, and you don't think prostitution should be illegal, what is there to feel ashamed of? Perhaps just the fact that you feel stupid because you weren't true to yourself? 

 

I should imagine that in an institution like the army there is considerable peer pressure. Where is the dividing line between that and esprit de corps? Don't they use one to promote the other? 

 

As we know, if you're in the army part of your job is to kill people if required. Would that make you feel ashamed? But as regards that hand job you had, a fair exchange is no robbery. Neither party was coerced. So where do you think your sense of shame is coming from? 

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Phantasmal Fingers
2 hours ago, Janus DarkFox said:

A small reminder here to not jump to conclusions based on a persons actions.  Must stress that the Army, any Army has a duty to uphold, despite any negative image an army has in media.

What exactly do you mean? 

 

If someone were to say to @Adam_Apples "you should be ashamed of yourself" this would not be a statement that he would disagree with if he stands by what he said in the op. The actions he mentions are clearly and unambiguously described. 

 

You speak of duty. What duty should a soldier in an army uphold on a deployment? Does it or does it not involve having sex with prostitutes? If it doesn't, then @Adam_Apples did not uphold that duty, in which case nobody who points this out has jumped to any conclusions. (But then a distinction needs to be made here about what a soldier does on or off duty.)

 

What do you mean by this:-

 

2 hours ago, Janus DarkFox said:

despite any negative image an army has in media.

 

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Anommamous
3 hours ago, Adam_Apples said:

Anyway I look back at this story and feel nothing but regret, but it does confirm that I've ticked a lot of the marks on the asexual test. I don't know If I'll ever forgive myself.

I once had a one-night stand I didn't actually want because I was hoping that, for once, I could enjoy sex like everyone else seemed to. This was before I accidentally stumbled across AVEN and realized what the "issue" is.

This was not typical behavior for me, and I often wish I hadn't done it.

I'll tell you what I tell myself: you didn't do anything wrong. There is nothing inherently wrong or right about consensual sexual exploration of any kind. However you felt about it, it does not make you less of a person.

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Janus the Fox

[Not a required post any-more]

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Skycaptain

@Adam_Apples, "try it, if you don't like it" is a commonly held suggestion that someone might be asexual, so no worries there. Unfortunately, as you have had the misfortune to encounter, in some circumstances an undercurrent of toxic machismo can develop where it's "fit in or else"

Look at it this way "I've tried it and didn't like it" and think that you're ahead of me for one, who's never tried it 

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AceMissBehaving

I’m sorry you had to go through that experience, but I’m glad you found our little corner of the internet, and knowing who you are, and feeling comfortable with who you are means the future at least looks much brighter 

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6 hours ago, Adam_Apples said:

I don't know If I'll ever forgive myself. 

Forgive yourself, forget the past and look at a bright future here on AVEN.😃 Anyone would have gone out of their way to fit to a group. It is in our genes: groups survived in ancient times, and if you got singled out you would not. We sometimes fall prey to that instinct. you have to learn how to avoid it.

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  • 3 weeks later...
ClaryFray1984
On 6/4/2020 at 6:34 PM, Adam_Apples said:

The following took place before I discovered Asexuality 

 

A year ago I got deployed to the Caribbean for 6 months of disaster relief. a nice relaxing time to drink and see a bit of the world. 

 

The first month went really well, I had respect for the guys I was working with, we had visited 4 separate countries, Dominican Republic, Bermuda, St Vincent and Martinique. Things were going well and I was loving life. Then people started to change, almost all the guys I was working with were married, have partners, girlfriends and kids; except for me and a couple of other lads. When we got to Barbados we went to a massive street party and I started noticing that all these lads that we're "happily married" were making out with girls from the party. I thought it was a little bit weird but I quickly got over it. But as we got to all these different islands the guys started "shagging" different girls every night, at that point I was starting to think. Is sex really that important to these people, that they can't keep it in their pants for the 6 months away I mean really? why would they put their relationships at risk for a shag?

 

As I got to the last months of the trip, people started saying they are going to get me laid. So I played along "yay sex". Got to the "big night" and nothing happed why is that then? because I didn't even try. I started to realise I didn't work the same way as everyone else. I just had no interest at all. The day after I paid for a massage with a happy ending. I have no idea why I did it. Maybe I was sick of feeling like a freak that gets no sex. As they she was touching me down stairs, It took me a while to get hard, I even struggled to cum. I felt shameful afterwards, but that's it I'm now part of the group now. How pathetic is that? I had to get a handjob to fit in with the group. 

 

Anyway I look back at this story and feel nothing but regret, but it does confirm that I've ticked a lot of the marks on the asexual test. I don't know If I'll ever forgive myself. 

Peer pressure can be awful. But at least you know who you are and what you want now.

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