How Much of an Age Difference is Too Much?

[nvrcrywlf]

How much of an age difference does everyone consider to be too many years when seeking a life partner or a long term companion? I really don't know what is considered too wide of a spread. nvrcrywlf

[Tanwen]

If it bothers you, it's too much. If it doesn't, it isn't.

[Ziffler]

Tanwen wrote:

If it bothers you, it's too much. If it doesn't, it isn't.

Very good answer.

I read the question and thought, no age difference is too much for a companion. Hey, take in foster kids. They can make great companions. They will keep you busy and occupied with their problems, so you won't have any time to think about your own problems. No way you would ever be lonely with a house full of kids.

But I think in my niavete' I misunderstood the question. If the question is asking about age difference for a love interest, then Tanwen deffinately answered that question. Just make sure to keep the age legal. lol.

[BlacKat]

If it bothers you, it's too much. If it doesn't, it isn't.

That is an absolutely perfect answer to the question!

At least in my eyes.

[M51]

I would like to add that also so long as the senior person does not use age as an "I always know what's best" or control or power ploy, and as long as the junior person has true feelings for the senior person and is not caught in a sort of hero-worship thing. Those kinds of relationships can be very unequal at best or exploitative at worst and I think they are the reason anybody would ever suggest there IS an appropriate or acceptable age difference limit.

I don't think it is healthy to date a father figure or mother figure. A SO should be an SO, not a parent.

But hey, if the attraction/feeling is genuine and healthy, go for it.

[Tanwen]

The greater the difference, the more likely it is that one is going to be left alone to cope. There were 15 years difference between my parents. They were happy together but when my dad died (I was 17), mum decided that she would never meet anyone else who measured up to him and never bothered. I dread Christmas (he died 22 December). I have been a 'carer ' since then (she was absolutely devastated and couldn't cope for over a year), as an unmarried daughter, I was expected to stay at home and look after my mother (thankfully, that attitude has gone now)

[Elizabeth I]

Honestly....I think five years one way or the other is reasonable, ten at the most. That way you at least have some life experience in common.

Men almost want always want a younger partner, sometimes WAY younger, and the more money they have , the younger a partner they are likely to find.

It always makes me cringe when I hear a wealthy old codger parading his diamond encrusted child-bride around saying things like " Age is just a number" and " You are as young as the woman you feel"

These folks give me the heebie jeebies. As far as I am concerned it's a special type of paedophile who tries to score a "trophy" that is the same age as their children(or grandchildren),even though it's sometimes the old fool who turns out to be the victim.

Breaks my heart to see it happen to Paul McCartney....I really would have thought he was smarter than that.

Lizzie

[Melly06]

I also agree with what Tanwen wrote, that if it bothers you, it's too much, if it doesn't, it isn't.

Some people think that as you get older, an age difference of a certain amount starts to seem less significant.

For example, the difference between a 12 year old and a 16 year old might seem significant, but that same four year age difference between a 22 year old and a 26 year old might seem a lot less significant. I think once you get over the age of 20, an age difference of five years or so is no longer such a big deal. For some people, an age difference of 10 years is still very acceptable.

[Xenon]

I also concur with Tanwen... though I would probably feel a little odd or uncomfortable if the difference was more than 10 years. Within 10 years, there's enough of shared experiences growing up, as in we'd have grown up with the same kind of things... My last girlfriend was 10 years younger than I was, and that was okay...

[Tanwen]

I'm not sure how it is in the rest of the world, but in the age-obsessed UK, it's fine if the man is older than the woman, but not the other way round.

[cijay]

I don't think there's a set limit, like the rest of the panel says, if it bothers you, it's too much etc.

I just figure if people ARE in a May-December relationship, they can't get all pissy when people assume they're parent/child rather than spouse. People SHOULDN'T assume but that's not the way the world works.

[Orpheus]

The oldest I have been with was...hmmm..seh was 30 and I was 21 at the time, 9 years. But she looked like she was maybe 24-25, man, those Filipina girls will get you every time, we'd been going out for 2 months before I found out how old she was, taht came about from teh disscusion about her divorce.

[Xenon]

I'm not sure how it is in the rest of the world, but in the age-obsessed UK, it's fine if the man is older than the woman, but not the other way round.

Feh. Nonsense. My first girlfriend, I was 21, she was 25. My second girlfriend, I was 26, she was 30. Nothing wrong with that.

[Busrider]

At which stage of your partner quest are you asking the question? - I care more about miles than years between me and maybe somebody. +/-6 years is surely close to nothing. - Each agegroup has it's clichees, but there should be exceptions too. The tightness of the relationship you're seeking should also matter.

I assume I could get along with somebody way older than me but physically fit enough in a rather loose relationship. Shared interests might be way more important than age.

Being younger than a woman doesn't seem that bad to me, I might do well with a reasonable counterpart /manager and gathering information about the differences between adoption and marriage and which might suit us better, if at all, might be interesting.

[Erita]

This is a pet peeve with me, because like Tanwen says, there is SUCH a double standard over this issue, and not just in the UK. Men date and marry women who are 15+ years younger than themselves every day, especially when it comes to second marriages, but imagine the same age difference the other way around! We consider it a big deal if the woman is as much as *5* years older than her partner. Of course, people bring up the issue of biology, but to me, the only real stumbling block is if he, or both of them, want to have children and *she* is past the age of childbearing.

I have to admit that I actually have a double standard of my own - when I first hear about them, I tend to automatically suspect older man/younger woman relationships, thinking that he is probably in it to retrieve his lost youth or because he's not attracted to women who are his equal in experience and authority, and also, to a lesser degree, that she is in it for the money, social status, or "security". On the other hand, when I first hear of an older woman/younger man relationship (especially a lasting one) I tend to cheer because I know the social pressure they've probably been through to get where they are! I don't claim that my double standard is *fair*, mind you, just that sometimes when society has outrageously unfair attitudes, it seems like the only way to shake people up is to be provocative yourself! (I won't go into age differences in Hollywood movies, which is a category on its own... :( )

So, as long as both partners treat each other with respect and kindness, my own personal rules of acceptability are:

1) If there is a large age difference (say, 10 years or more), the younger partner should be at least 25.

2) The older partner should never have been in any position of authority over the younger one.

Also, I do agree that where there is a large age difference you need to accept practical things like being at different stages in life, that death will end your relationship sooner rather than later, and not throw hissy fits if people assume (without ill intent) that you are parent and child rather than partners. Use this as a "teachable moment", by all means, but don't be unpleasant or impatient about it.

[Busrider]

Damn, society and Hollywood think within a sexual pattern. Why should we here care about that? - There must be more to picking a long term companion than fitting into the sexual world.

[KAGU143]

I haven't said much in this thread, but there is about a 20-year gap between KBRD143 and GBRD143.

It is astonishingly easy to forget all about that minor little detail when we get together, though, whether it be in person or by telephone. It is strange how the abstract concept can bother me somewhat but the reality doesn't because it doesn't seem to register ... if that makes sense. *shrugs*

-GB

[prettytt]

Personally i don't think there is such a thing as age difference, i however think there is a maturity difference, Age is just a number that defines our year alive it doesn't define our personality and our maturity.

[dogmom]

If souls are in tune with each other there is no age difference. My only concern would be that each generation has different tastes. I really couldn't picture a Beyonce lover (spelling) with an Elvis fan.

[beachbird]

If mutual interests , compatibility, and just feeling really comfortable around each other are what draws you to one another, age is irrelevent.

[Zerick]

I have lived with the same girl for over 15 years. We "clicked" the first time we ever went out. She won tickets to a concert from a radio station and invited me. She is 9 years older than me. Age has never been an issue since we both act kids anyway.

[Parth]

I think that if two people are comfortable and love one another, age is no bounds. Unless one person is a minor.

[Yuri_Hara]

True... I feel that when it comes to choosing a life partner, age isn't a factor. cause everyone is looking for something......what if you can't find it in someone within a certain age gap?

Parthenos I don't really think there is a prob either if one is a minor. After all, it's not likely for one to get married or move in together straight away, right?

My exbf (my first and only bf so far) was 10 years my senior. I was a minor back then. I was only 16 when we got together.

[retrophile]

I haven't said much in this thread, but there is about a 20-year gap between KBRD143 and GBRD143.

It is astonishingly easy to forget all about that minor little detail when we get together, though, whether it be in person or by telephone. It is strange how the abstract concept can bother me somewhat but the reality doesn't because it doesn't seem to register ... if that makes sense. *shrugs*

-GB

It makes perfect sense, my boyfriend is 42 and I'm 22. I've never been comfortable with people my own age, excluding a few of my closest friends from high school, and obsessed with eras that happened way before I was born. If I believed in souls and stuff I'd have something profound to say about us being metaphysically the same age or something... but basically we just love each other, regardless.

[Three Steps At A Time]

I'll be honest and say that I feel uncomfortable dating a woman more than a few years older than me. And I suspect many men feel the same way (though not all may admit as much).

I think it's because physical/visual beauty is more important for men than for women, especially in the beginning stages of a relationship. that may be society brainwashing us and it may be unfair but that's just the way it is.

i will add though that i find that older women who try to pretend to look younger through plastic surgery or wearing clothes that are age-inappropriate or who lie about their age are less attractive (to me at least) than women who age naturally and gracefully.

i agree there is still a double standard although i've noticed that younger women seem to be placing a higher and higher premium on whether guys are "cute" so maybe in a few more years we'll all be equally shallow :D

[Shooting Star]

If the older one constantly worries that when they return to his her place after a night out, Dateline will be there.

[ChrissyBunny]

I agree with Tanwen. Whatever you are both comfortable with but I also think the difference can increase as you get older.

e.g.

16 year-old + 30 year-old seems a big gap

70 year-old + 84 year-old doesn't seem as big

But like I say whatever you are both comfortable with

[Rikusephirosu]

I agree with what Tanwen said.

[cait]

I would say a hundred years is too much of an age difference. That wouldn't work out well at all.

[Rikusephirosu]

Hehe yeah....Thats a bit funny but true. :D And very uncommon I think. But..you never know! Right? :shock: