Anonymous123456 Posted May 31, 2020 Share Posted May 31, 2020 Hello, My best friend (18F, bisexual) of 2 1/2 years and I (19M, asexual) have been talking about the future in the last week or so, and have come up with a plan. I said it jokingly, as she was a bit down about being stuck with her parents for the foreseeable future and I wanted to cheer her up, but she thought it was a great idea, and the more we discussed it, the more it made sense. The plan is post-graduation for me, which will be summer 2021. We’re both fairly low-key individuals, and we do get along very well. I’m not sure what will happen beyond the year, but my thinking is that for both of us it’ll be a first year properly free, we’ll have someone to come home to at the end of every day, we can look after each other so no-one is suffering in silence, we will have someone to watch films with etc. I’m also hopeful that it’ll bring us even closer together, as although we have great banter and never stop talking when we’re together, I have always struggled with trying to make myself open in terms of body language and being affectionate, except in a teasing way. I think I probably come across as a bit awkward in that sense. When we’re drunk, naturally this is completely eroded and we have our arms draped over one another, and this ceases to be a problem. Logically it makes plenty of sense, and I hope to get a clerical job for experience before joining the Civil Service further down the line. This plan gives me the perfect opportunity for that first stage, as well as having the fun experience of living with my best friend. I’ve lived away from home during term times for two years (one in halls, one in a shared house), so I’m used to the responsibility of cooking and cleaning etc. On paper, it all makes a lot of sense and should work. I’d love to hear any opinions, from any angle. Adam Link to post Share on other sites
Anonymous123456 Posted May 31, 2020 Author Share Posted May 31, 2020 21 minutes ago, CBC said: Are there downsides that you're worried about? I don't see any... None that I can spring to mind, but was just wondering if anyone’s had any experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Scottthespy Posted May 31, 2020 Share Posted May 31, 2020 Sounds like a fine plan, but just for safety's sake, make up an agreement about how to share the space. Even if its not likely that you'll need an on paper contract to fall back on in case of a big dispute, its good to have all your expectations out there in the open right at the start. Who does what, how and when is it done, if we're 'sharing' responsibility how is it split? Moving in together has made some friendships and ruined others, and its all about the communication. Whenever people share their personal spaces, you need to be aware of what every one expects. Maybe your friend doesn't do the dishes as often as you'd like, or you like to play loud video games at a time of night that they prefer to read quietly. Knowing ahead of time can head off arguments and resentment, as you'll each know what the other wants and to watch yourselves for behaviors you now know will bother the other. It gives you a chance to discover possible issues before they arise, and have a plan in place to avoid or deal with them. Link to post Share on other sites
Anonymous123456 Posted May 31, 2020 Author Share Posted May 31, 2020 1 minute ago, Scottthespy said: Sounds like a fine plan, but just for safety's sake, make up an agreement about how to share the space. Even if its not likely that you'll need an on paper contract to fall back on in case of a big dispute, its good to have all your expectations out there in the open right at the start. Who does what, how and when is it done, if we're 'sharing' responsibility how is it split? Moving in together has made some friendships and ruined others, and its all about the communication. Whenever people share their personal spaces, you need to be aware of what every one expects. Maybe your friend doesn't do the dishes as often as you'd like, or you like to play loud video games at a time of night that they prefer to read quietly. Knowing ahead of time can head off arguments and resentment, as you'll each know what the other wants and to watch yourselves for behaviors you now know will bother the other. It gives you a chance to discover possible issues before they arise, and have a plan in place to avoid or deal with them. That’s a good idea. As we’ve got plenty of time till hopefully it’ll be put into action, it would help to define clearly the roles and responsibilities, I agree. I shall bring this up as soon as possible, as we are both committed to this plan now, rather than it being purely theoretical. Link to post Share on other sites
Scottthespy Posted May 31, 2020 Share Posted May 31, 2020 1 minute ago, grigor1860 said: That’s a good idea. As we’ve got plenty of time till hopefully it’ll be put into action, it would help to define clearly the roles and responsibilities, I agree. I shall bring this up as soon as possible, as we are both committed to this plan now, rather than it being purely theoretical. That's great, and starting early is always good. I do recommend having it on paper, and each of you having your own copy so you can look over it in the time between now and move in to see if anything new occurs to you. Some things to consider while thinking about it: Cleaning tasks What to do in case of being short on rent What to do in case of one person wanting to upgrade a facility the other doesn't want to pay for Under what circumstances can you 'invade' each others personal spaces (bedrooms, entering the bathroom when the other in, ect) Groceries, buying using and storing Appliance use (pots and pans, furniture, kitchen machines, laundry facilities, ect) Dealing with schedule conflicts Noise levels at certain times of day Might seem pedantic, but it can really stave off those unexpected arguments over borrowed food, early morning interruptions, and toothpaste spittle on the mirror. Link to post Share on other sites
Anonymous123456 Posted May 31, 2020 Author Share Posted May 31, 2020 4 minutes ago, Scottthespy said: That's great, and starting early is always good. I do recommend having it on paper, and each of you having your own copy so you can look over it in the time between now and move in to see if anything new occurs to you. Some things to consider while thinking about it: Cleaning tasks What to do in case of being short on rent What to do in case of one person wanting to upgrade a facility the other doesn't want to pay for Under what circumstances can you 'invade' each others personal spaces (bedrooms, entering the bathroom when the other in, ect) Groceries, buying using and storing Appliance use (pots and pans, furniture, kitchen machines, laundry facilities, ect) Dealing with schedule conflicts Noise levels at certain times of day Might seem pedantic, but it can really stave off those unexpected arguments over borrowed food, early morning interruptions, and toothpaste spittle on the mirror. That’s a very comprehensive list, thanks! I’ll be sure to pass that all on, and see what agreement can be made. Link to post Share on other sites
Scottthespy Posted May 31, 2020 Share Posted May 31, 2020 1 minute ago, grigor1860 said: That’s a very comprehensive list, thanks! I’ll be sure to pass that all on, and see what agreement can be made. Don't take it as everything. There are other things that could crop up...bringing people over, the possibility of partners, one of you liking music the other one cant stand...what I listed are just the main ones that are very likely to need attention in any shared living situation, you two might have more personal quibbles to work over. Nothing says the agreement can't be amended later with more rules or changing of rules so long as all involved parties are on board, so don't feel like its the be all and end all for the rest of forever either. Link to post Share on other sites
Anonymous123456 Posted May 31, 2020 Author Share Posted May 31, 2020 8 minutes ago, Scottthespy said: Don't take it as everything. There are other things that could crop up...bringing people over, the possibility of partners, one of you liking music the other one cant stand...what I listed are just the main ones that are very likely to need attention in any shared living situation, you two might have more personal quibbles to work over. Nothing says the agreement can't be amended later with more rules or changing of rules so long as all involved parties are on board, so don't feel like its the be all and end all for the rest of forever either. No, of course. I’m sure there’ll be things that occur to her or to me at some point, and there might be things at the time as well. Thankfully we are compatible in the sense that we’re not noisy or overly social, and we have discussed that aspect already. Our music tastes are also aligned, and both of us have eclectic tastes. Link to post Share on other sites
Purple Wanderer Posted May 31, 2020 Share Posted May 31, 2020 Living with a friend is great. Then one of you gets a partner and the resentment starts. They want alone time, but its your place too. So you resent being guilted into being stuck in your room... and suddenly your outnumbered 2-1 on all the little decisions. Link to post Share on other sites
SithLord Posted May 31, 2020 Share Posted May 31, 2020 Hope it works out and doesn't ruin your friendship. It might not if you're used to the responsibilities of living away from home, but you never know what a person is like until you're around them almost 24/7. Link to post Share on other sites
Purple Red Panda Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 I moved in with my best mate. Probably one of the best descisions I ever made. Communication is key. Living with someone can be very different than just spending a lot of time with them, me and my housemate work on a system that if we have any grievances or issue we bring them up with each other and don't let them fester. When I first moved in we sat down and had a conversation about how there were bound to be things that I do which she finds irritating and vise versus and that we should get these out in open and try and find a sensible solution. Lived together now for three and a half years and it's been pretty much plane sailing. Best of luck Link to post Share on other sites
Anonymous123456 Posted June 1, 2020 Author Share Posted June 1, 2020 8 hours ago, Purple Wanderer said: Living with a friend is great. Then one of you gets a partner and the resentment starts. They want alone time, but its your place too. So you resent being guilted into being stuck in your room... and suddenly your outnumbered 2-1 on all the little decisions. That’s something I have wondered about. I do spend most of my time in my room ordinarily. I don’t think she’d be the type to have someone over all the time, but you never know :( Link to post Share on other sites
Anonymous123456 Posted June 1, 2020 Author Share Posted June 1, 2020 7 hours ago, SithEmpress said: Hope it works out and doesn't ruin your friendship. It might not if you're used to the responsibilities of living away from home, but you never know what a person is like until you're around them almost 24/7. No, that’s true. We have spent days together a few times, and coped relatively well. I’m quite disciplined in how I lead my life, so when it comes to my share of the chores, keeping the place tidy etc we should be fine. She’s not a sloppy type either, so I don’t anticipate any problems when it comes to the actual living together. Link to post Share on other sites
Anonymous123456 Posted June 1, 2020 Author Share Posted June 1, 2020 6 hours ago, Purple Red Panda said: I moved in with my best mate. Probably one of the best descisions I ever made. Communication is key. Living with someone can be very different than just spending a lot of time with them, me and my housemate work on a system that if we have any grievances or issue we bring them up with each other and don't let them fester. When I first moved in we sat down and had a conversation about how there were bound to be things that I do which she finds irritating and vise versus and that we should get these out in open and try and find a sensible solution. Lived together now for three and a half years and it's been pretty much plane sailing. Best of luck That’s amazing! I do agree about the communication point. It’s not something I’m great at, but I can’t really think of anything massively irritating about me. I’m not the sort to leave dishes out for days on end (I actually enjoy the washing up), and I’m generally sensitive to knowing when someone would like to be alone etc. But I suppose I am seeing what I want to see; a different perspective is bound to see something else. May I ask about your relationship with your best friend? Are you both asexual? Link to post Share on other sites
Purple Red Panda Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 Just now, grigor1860 said: Are you both asexual? She's not but has essentially given up on dating and I'm somewhere on the asexual spectrum. Link to post Share on other sites
Skycaptain Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 Flatshares/houseshares are commonplace amongst younger people. It's far better to enter into such a situation with someone you already know, as opposed to being paired with a stranger through a letting agency. Link to post Share on other sites
Anonymous123456 Posted June 1, 2020 Author Share Posted June 1, 2020 4 hours ago, Purple Red Panda said: She's not but has essentially given up on dating and I'm somewhere on the asexual spectrum. Right, that will probably be where our situations will differ. Nonetheless, very helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
Anonymous123456 Posted June 1, 2020 Author Share Posted June 1, 2020 4 hours ago, Skycaptain said: Flatshares/houseshares are commonplace amongst younger people. It's far better to enter into such a situation with someone you already know, as opposed to being paired with a stranger through a letting agency. This was my thinking as well. We’re already familiar. Link to post Share on other sites
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