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Another U.K. newbie here! Hello!


Paychobabbler

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Paychobabbler

Hi everyone, I’m Ali, 50, and have been married to my hubby for 30 years this August. I’d just like to begin by saying that I can’t tell you how happy I am to have found this place! I’m writing this through floods of tears because after decades of having zero sex drive or sexual feeling towards my husband, I have come to the realisation that I’m not “broken”, and that being the way I am is just Who I Am. 

I love my husband dearly and I have always thought I showed him how much I love him, but after years and years of the same arguments about me not “proving” it and as he says my “choosing to not” show him my love for him. I’ve finally told him that I’m asexual. Sadly, he can’t understand it and says he could understand if I were gay, but he believes I make a conscious choice to not touch him - even though I have tried to explain time and again that this isn’t something I choose to not do, it’s just that my brain literally has no switch that tells me to go grab his ass or feel him up.  I have always believed I demonstrated my love for him but he insists on proof and for him that can only be physical. He says I can see how much pain he’s in and I choose NOT to ease that pain and because this issue has been ongoing for probably 25 years, he thinks that I don’t find him attractive and nothing I tell him will change his mind. 
We have 2 daughters 27 & 23 (who currently both live with us) and yesterday after me coming out to them, they both said that they too identify as Aromantic and ACE. It’s wonderful having them understand, but my husbands feels we “gang up” against him all the time anyway, so I can’t tell him that they are like me too. 
Sorry to offload such a mammoth load of baggage on my Hello post, but it kind of spilled out of me and it’s good to at least write this all down, even if I can’t get my OH to understand. 
I don’t know if there’s anyone here who is in a similar marriage boat as I, but I’m really happy to be here and I look forward to getting to know you! X

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I'mTheDecoy

Hi and welcome! I'm glad that you have people in your family who understand and I'm really sorry that your husband doesn't at the moment. The relief of discovering that you aren't 'broken' is wonderful and freeing, and hopefully with learning more about the subject, your husband might come to understand too? There is a forum on here called 'For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies' which might be of help. A lot of other people have gone or are going through a similar experience to you and hopefully they'll be able to offer you some support and/or advice.

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Hello! :)) I'm new too and that's a lot of baggage to carry around, it's great that you now understand yourself and can finally share it with similar aces! ❤️ I'm too young to give advice on the matter but I'm happy you're here with us :)) Welcome to AVEN! ❤️ 

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Paychobabbler

Thankyou both for the welcome and the support. I’ll definitely go and check out the forum for partners and see if it’s something my OH is willing to look at. He’s a pretty close minded guy though and is usually unwilling to alter his way of thinking. I live in hope that he can begin to understand me though and I’ll keep everything crossed that he’ll check out the forum too! 
Thanks again, it means such a lot to have people like you who really understand! X

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50ShadesOfGreyAndPurple

i'm glad you've realised your sexuality(the world gets *slightly* easier from now), your in a tricky home situation and your now on one of the most supportive and fun network on the internet. i'm sure your husband will accept you soon. you've been together for 30 years, he loves you and he WILL come around! 

 

also side note, have you told your children? i don't remember if you said that in your hello post

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Welcome! The UK is actually quite a good place to be an ace. There are lots of meet-ups if you are up for that sort of thing. They are very much focussed on socialising rather than discussing asexuality (but that does happen, too, if you want). So check out the Meet-Up threads on here.

 

And another thread you might want to join in due course is the 'over-50's' thread. That one is international and we discuss all sorts of things. Lots of support available there.

 

So welcome. And please have some obligatory :cake:. It's our traditional welcome. And who doesn't like cake?

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Paychobabbler
1 hour ago, 50ShadesOfGreyAndPurple said:

i'm glad you've realised your sexuality(the world gets *slightly* easier from now), your in a tricky home situation and your now on one of the most supportive and fun network on the internet. i'm sure your husband will accept you soon. you've been together for 30 years, he loves you and he WILL come around! 

 

also side note, have you told your children? i don't remember if you said that in your hello post

Hi, and yes, I told my daughters and they are both fantastic and support me 110%. Without them I’d be wrecked! 

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Paychobabbler
44 minutes ago, Midland Tyke said:

Welcome! The UK is actually quite a good place to be an ace. There are lots of meet-ups if you are up for that sort of thing. They are very much focussed on socialising rather than discussing asexuality (but that does happen, too, if you want). So check out the Meet-Up threads on here.

 

And another thread you might want to join in due course is the 'over-50's' thread. That one is international and we discuss all sorts of things. Lots of support available there.

 

So welcome. And please have some obligatory :cake:. It's our traditional welcome. And who doesn't like cake?

Hi and thanks for the info about the meet ups and 50+ threads. Also, the cake is very much appreciated as I have none in the house and so it’s the closest I’ll get until getting to the shops next week! 

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Baffledandconfused

Hi Ali! 

I'm also new to AVEN. Just thought I'd say hello!

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Purple Red Panda

Lots of love from a fellow UK Newbie💜

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Paychobabbler

Hello to you all and thanks for the warm welcome. Lichley, thanks for those links and the cake too! 

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NickyTannock

@Paychobabbler A belated welcome to AVEN!

 

@Baffledandconfused A belated welcome to AVEN!

 

You could show him interviews with Asexuals, like this one with AVEN's founder: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PcXoLSrixEU

There's also a short book about Asexuality that's free to read online: http://www.asexualityarchive.com/book/

And another that you can buy called "The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality".

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a "Sir Terry Pratchett and Nanny Ogg" cake (all edible),

https://cakesdecor.com/cakes/319542-sir-terry-pratchett-and-nanny-ogg

hqb63tev64ktltc4nj8j.jpg

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Paychobabbler

Michael, thanks and Hi!  That is probably the best cake I’ve ever seen! It’s a work of art! 
Also, thanks for those links! I’ll have a look at those and see if my OH will have a look too! 

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