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Questions for aces who enjoy making out / kissing


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For aces who enjoy these activities and have allo partners:

 

1) When did you realize that sex just wasn't for you and you'd only be okay with kissing and/or making out?

2) What is your thought process while you are participating in these activities with a partner? E.g., "I hope this doesn't lead to sex / I'd rather be kissing this person than having sex / I really enjoy this but I don't want them to think I want to have sex with them, etc." Do you know in your head 100% that sex isn't for you?

3) Where do you draw the line / how do you establish boundaries?

 

I've only ever kissed and I was wondering if my thoughts relate to the thoughts of other aces. :) 

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Low End Things
1 hour ago, LibraGirl said:

1) When did you realize that sex just wasn't for you and you'd only be okay with kissing and/or making out?

I tried having sex, multiple. It failed miserably, generally because of lack of sexual interest in the other person (as a guy going out with women, I've found this to be impossible to fake). I learn through actions, I don't recommend it unless you have really thick skin :)

 

1 hour ago, LibraGirl said:

2) What is your thought process while you are participating in these activities with a partner? E.g., "I hope this doesn't lead to sex / I'd rather be kissing this person than having sex / I really enjoy this but I don't want them to think I want to have sex with them, etc." Do you know in your head 100% that sex isn't for you?

Because of past experiences, I let my partners know up front I'm not interested in sex, and to pursue it will only lead to a bad time for everyone. I only make out with people who are ok with this. I've been lucky to not have any issues yet.

 

As for before I had the experience to know this: I knew the only way I'd know for sure was to jump in headfirst and see what would happen. That came after years of self-reflection, getting a VERY good sense of how I work, and realizing there was no other option for me. I'm naturally not impulsive at all so this was very natural for me.

 

1 hour ago, LibraGirl said:

3) Where do you draw the line / how do you establish boundaries?

I'm also sex-favorable, and I'm open to anything except PiV sex as long as my partner knows my desire to reciprocate doesn't come from sexual interest. Like the answers above, I established this through experience and self-reflection.

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Mackenzie Holiday

1) Not all that long ago, actually. I'd been suspecting it for quite a while, but it was within the past year that I became totally sure.

 

2) That definitely depends on a lot of things. But if I was worried that kissing/making out would lead to sex, I probably wouldn't even want to do that much. I only participate if I'm totally comfortable, so my thought process is usually "this is nice."

 

3) Where I draw the line on a given day also depends. Some days I'm more comfortable with certain things than others. My approach at this point is to make sure my partner has a general sense of where my boundaries tend to be early on, and I let them know where they are more specifically if we start to approach things I'm not interested in or comfortable with that day.

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Janus the Fox

I’ll move this to Romantic and Aromantic Orientations as kissing or making out can be done a/romantically

 

Janus DarkFox

Questions about Asexuality, Asexual Musings and Rantings & Open Mic Moderator

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10 hours ago, LibraGirl said:

For aces who enjoy these activities and have allo partners:

 

1) When did you realize that sex just wasn't for you and you'd only be okay with kissing and/or making out?

2) What is your thought process while you are participating in these activities with a partner? E.g., "I hope this doesn't lead to sex / I'd rather be kissing this person than having sex / I really enjoy this but I don't want them to think I want to have sex with them, etc." Do you know in your head 100% that sex isn't for you?

3) Where do you draw the line / how do you establish boundaries?

In previous relationship:

1) Sex - Didn't try, had no interest. Upfront & honest from week 1 of relationship.  

2) Be completely in the moment, enjoy it & to check they're having a good time too. 

3) Over time, you learn to work out what different kisses mean. Manage expectations early on, discuss how & what each of you are willing to negotiate / compromise. Having this discussion mid-way takes away the fun of the spontaneity of it but important if it's the first kiss. 

 

This was my first relationship & it lasted 10+ years. I left when it turned out they were less than honest. I requested no-contact, blocked them on WhatsApp & removed them from my social media. After a few weeks/months, they respected my wishes. I have odd moments where I wonder why they stayed if they knew they needed different types of sex. It has put me off of relationships with allos since. 

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AceMissBehaving

1: it took me a long time to really figure it out. Finally did in my 30’s

 

2: before I came out as asexual I would worry about it leading to sex. These days not so much. I’ll admit I keep kissing rather brief, and not as intense as a lot of people (something partners complained about before I came out). Even without the expectation of sex, there’s a line for me where kissing starts to feel it’s too far. I definitely know in my head sex isn’t for me, though maybe still occasionally try mentally testing myself, a kind of hold over from when I was trying to determine if I was ace or not.

 

3: Boundaries I explain to people my limits. I also have a safe word like with BDSM I can use to firmly express when I feel things are going too far. It’s been a good way to help people learn my boundaries, and feel safe about not crossing them, without getting into the awkward affection shutdown shame spiral type conversions.

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GlamRocker

1. I knew this when I was a teenager, but I thought I could "learn sex" lol

2. When I'm kissing my partner, I'm not thinking ANYTHING, it's just GREAT! But I already knew beforehand that there's probably only so much kissing I can do before my partner gets hot and bothered, so I am watching for that... when to cool it down.

3. Line is drawn at touching my parts, or trying to get me to touch their parts, or grinding or... probably some others but these are the most common "next" steps that try to come up when hot and bothered is reached.

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DarkStormyKnight
On 5/30/2020 at 9:14 PM, LibraGirl said:

For aces who enjoy these activities and have allo partners:

 

1) When did you realize that sex just wasn't for you and you'd only be okay with kissing and/or making out?

2) What is your thought process while you are participating in these activities with a partner? E.g., "I hope this doesn't lead to sex / I'd rather be kissing this person than having sex / I really enjoy this but I don't want them to think I want to have sex with them, etc." Do you know in your head 100% that sex isn't for you?

3) Where do you draw the line / how do you establish boundaries?

 

I've only ever kissed and I was wondering if my thoughts relate to the thoughts of other aces. :) 

1. Just never had any interest in it really. Knew that since before I was in a relationship.

2. I'm not thinking so much of what this could lead to since for me it's just a nice activity by itself and doesn't have to lead to anything.

3. Consent is vital! If your partner wants to do something else they need to ask first and it's totally okay to say no to any of it. And that can change day-to-day as well.

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Minty greens
On 5/30/2020 at 6:14 PM, LibraGirl said:

1) When did you realize that sex just wasn't for you and you'd only be okay with kissing and/or making out?

For me it was with my first girlfriend, at the time I didn't like kissing either but I didn't know that. When she went in to kiss me I (being taller) just leaned back and instead she head-butted me in the mouth, it was funny. But later I changed how I thought about kissing to something romantic. When I did have my first kiss it turned to making-out which I was not okay with at all and started self-soothing. For me, Kiss =great, making-out = bad

 

On 5/30/2020 at 6:14 PM, LibraGirl said:

2) What is your thought process while you are participating in these activities with a partner? E.g., "I hope this doesn't lead to sex / I'd rather be kissing this person than having sex / I really enjoy this but I don't want them to think I want to have sex with them, etc." Do you know in your head 100% that sex isn't for you?

Mostly it was just "I should push my boundaries a little more and see when they break" which was me being logical about it to self-sooth. But most of my thought processes just go to "what can I do for them because at least one of us should enjoy this"

 

On 5/30/2020 at 6:14 PM, LibraGirl said:

3) Where do you draw the line / how do you establish boundaries?

The question I'll probably ask myself next time is, "Will I have to mentally recover from this, will I be grabbing a book or ice-cream when they leave?"
If it's ice-cream than I pull back and ask what I can do for them. I'm okay with kissing, I just don't always like being kissed. 
bye-bye 

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InfamousLeather

So I'm only now starting to understand myself fully. Previously I've assumed I was in some way abnormal, so I've tried to fake sexual interest and it's never really worked.

 

My first serious relationship I found I could reach a point of arousal, but I couldn't climax... I may be one of the few guys that have faked orgasms!

 

 My second and third relatipnships were long distance, time together in person was rare, so it was hardly ever an issue.

 

 The fourth relationship was alot harder, despite being my longest relationship at 7 years! We were never that sexually active. She wanted to be, but I didn't. I didn't understand it and nor could I explain it in a way that didn't hurt her or make her feel less than she was. It was a long and difficult road for us both.

 

 My last relationship was better, there was a strooong romantic attraction from the start, and having that connection made things easier, although there was still no real "drive" for me sexually. She was a great girl and there was never any pressure, she seemed to understand my lack of sexual desire without discussion and when we were intimate, it was enjoyable as we connected on a deep emotional level too.

 Ultimately, it wasn't lack of sex that drove us apart, rather type. She prefers rough play, hair pulling, choking etc, where as I really relied on the bond of intimate connection to feel invested in the moment. 

 

I think that coming to understand myself better through Asexuality, it gives me a much stronger foundation for the future, I can be honest with myself and any future partner...

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1) During my first serious relationship, I knew I was in love and enjoyed making out, but had no interest in more.  Before that, I assumed I'd want sex when I fell in love.

 

2) Depends.  When I'm newly dating someone, I can get preoccupied with not setting incorrect expectations. 

 

3) Still working on that! But I rarely invite dates into my home or go into theirs.  

 

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ClaryFray1984
On 5/31/2020 at 2:14 AM, LibraGirl said:

For aces who enjoy these activities and have allo partners:

 

1) When did you realize that sex just wasn't for you and you'd only be okay with kissing and/or making out?

2) What is your thought process while you are participating in these activities with a partner? E.g., "I hope this doesn't lead to sex / I'd rather be kissing this person than having sex / I really enjoy this but I don't want them to think I want to have sex with them, etc." Do you know in your head 100% that sex isn't for you?

3) Where do you draw the line / how do you establish boundaries?

 

I've only ever kissed and I was wondering if my thoughts relate to the thoughts of other aces. :) 

That is generally my thought train. If kissing starts to go further so do I...away from whom I'm kissing. And for me it's pretty hard to ignore my no signals I literally close off and the no welcome sign comes out.

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I think I really "found out" about my asexuality when I was out of high school (so... I must've been about 18). I stumbled on the AVEN website while going through some posts on Tumblr and had an "oh shit that's me" moment. It took me a while to start coming out to people because for a while the discussions I was seeing always revolved around asexuality not being real, it being a medical condition, meaning I would never find a person to share my life with... I felt broken for a long time before I started understanding my (lack of) sexuality in a healthy way. The first person I kissed was also the first person I had sex with, and it really drove home that I liked kissing way, WAY more than sex 😂

 

I like kisses and cuddles. Making out tends to toe the line for me a little because I like sensual feelings that are soft and make me feel loved. Making out to me ring a little too much of sexual desire to always be my cup of tea, but I can go along with it for my partner's sake.

 

I don't experience aversion for sex, so if my boyfriend and I are kissing/making out and he gets really rilled up it usually just comes down to asking for consent. There are times where I feel thouroughly asexy and basically tell him that I don't want to have sex, but if he wants I can address his desires in a way that isn't intercourse. He knows I'm ace and he respects my bounderies.

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WaywardHeroine

1) the moment I started dating, though I didn't learn what asexuality was until years later

 

2) depends on my mood; sometimes I enjoy making out, sometimes when we're doing it I'm just bored and wondering when it'll be over.  I'm almost always worried it'll get my partner all hot and bothered, and though they would never try to push me, I also want to make sure I'm not getting them all worked up for nothing.

 

3) My body just kind of involuntarily aborts the situation, I guess?  If we're getting all steamy (it doesn't happen very often), I'll sometimes allow them to touch me down there, but soon after that starts my libido switches off, and I roll over into an anxiety ball, which totally kills the mood.  I still don't know if this is something I want to try to work through, but bless my partner for being patient with me.

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1. I knew I didn't want sex the moment I learned what it was. However I wasn't sure how I'd feel about kissing until I tried it.

 

2. I don't usually think about it leading further. Most of the time I'm barely thinking, just enjoying the moment. While it's always a background worry, it's not really something I actively think about unless my partner tries to take it further.

 

3. Typically a solid "no" along with an "I'm serious" look is enough. Sometimes I may distance myself or curl up in a ball. My partner respects my boundaries and is patient with me. I just let him know if I'm uncomfortable.

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mayispeaktopizza

1) I’ve always been able to say no to sex without feeling much guilt or anxiety. It never had any real allure to me. Partially it was because I was upfront about what I was and wasn’t willing to do with my partner. 
After forcing myself to experience sex and being bored to tears while it was happening, I realized sex was probably not my cup of tea. 
 

2) during kissing/making out I’m usually thinking some combination of, “I hope they’re enjoying this” or “I hope I’m doing this right” or just thinking about what I want to do after that (usually thoughts about food or work or sleep LOL). 
 

3) As above - being clear with your partner about how far is far enough is the best way to go. And if they can’t respect that, jump ship! You deserve better. 

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