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Another allo being in love with an aroace person


Anamonjae

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Hi guys, 

 

I really need some advice on the situation I'm in right now. 

I'm in love with my aroace friend for quite a while. There were times when I thought I could handle it and the feelings would pass without the need to confront them, but for the last month I got so confused. 

We really spend a lot of time together. Most days we live together in my flat. They have clothes here, toothbrush, we share a bed.. and most of the time we are cuddling, always holding hands etc. 

I now often catch myself relating to them as my romantic partner in my thoughts and correcting myself directly after, because I know they are not. I'd wish so much I could just accept this on every level. But still, I can't help but remain hopeful that this all means something and maybe... 

This hope really tortures me, so this is where I start thinking telling them might help?

At the same time, I don't want our relationship like it is now to end and I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable, unrespected or pressured to anything. They are a wonderful person. I want them to feel loved unconditionally and be their safe harbour. I feel shitty dishonest about having more than that in mind.

In the past I have experienced a similar situation being in love with my best friend who was straight. I did not tell her to not risk our friendship what lead to exactly this - the end of it. All the unspoken plus me, being overly emotional and jealous, just happened to be too much. 

 

When in public, we are perceived as a queer couple and they also seem to enjoy this a lot, behaving very "couple-ish". 

I thought this might be a good conversation starter to precheck where this goes. But there are high chances that the question about what I I feel will come up in that situation, especially because I already feel like being pretty obvious. 

 

I would really appreciate your opinion. Sorry, that this was so long.

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I'd say take a break from the friendship and try to move on from these feelings. Lettings them stay will only hurt you both. I'm sure she'd understand if you told her. 

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Oh, that sounds like a difficult conundrum.  I can so much relate to just wanting to not bring it up, for fear of hurting the other or making things awkward or being misunderstood.

 

Frankly I'm at the point now where talking things out is so much more appealing - I don't go through months or years of uncertainty, anxiety, and confusion.  It can certainly be awkward talking about things that are difficult to talk about, but I'd rather involve them in the discussion than end up making a unilateral decision without their input (which is where most unresolved issues ended up when I was too scared to bring them up).  If you want help on how to talk about your feelings while still being accepting and respectful of theirs, I can offer some tips.

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Thanks for your opinions. 

 

9 hours ago, Memento1 said:

If you want help on how to talk about your feelings while still being accepting and respectful of theirs, I can offer some tips.

Yes, please! I guess that could be really helpful. Thank you 🙂

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I'mTheDecoy

I can only recommend honesty. It sounds like you are in a kind of QPR and therefore no shame in being in love. But if you are to continue either as friends or partners, then you need to be on the same page as each other regarding what the future holds and how much intimacy each is okay with. 

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Okay, so I am kind of glad the overall opinion is, I should tell them. I plan to do that soon some day and from there we can both decide together what's really up and what we do about it. 

 

Any tips or suggestions on how to start the conversation and how to share my perspective without sounding disrespectful or pressuring? I would really much appreciate your opinions about this.

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One of the best tips I've learned is when you speak about your feelings, stick with "I" language instead of "you", like "I feel love with kisses, and I want to be able to kiss a partner to show my feelings," versus "I want to be able to kiss you."  Obviously "you" language comes off more pressuring.  State your feelings, then ask for theirs, reassuring them that they don't have to match: "I have romantic feelings, and I want to be able to express them by _________ and _________ (whatever it is you feel yourself desiring), and if you're not comfortable with any of those things, that's completely fine - you're still my close friend and that won't change.  As my friend, then I'd love a sounding board to work ideas off of so we can both get what we need."

 

The most important part then is when they speak, listen, reflect, and summarize what they're feeling.  Ask them if you've heard them correctly. "So you're feeling worried that you're not enough, confused about where to go from here.  Am I getting that right?"  Only after they've responded affirmatively can you turn it back to your thoughts: "I'm confused too, and I also worry about where to go from here."  If they instead say that's not completely right and go into more detail, continue to just reflect and affirm until they seem satisfied that you are understanding what they've said.  Ask open questions instead of closed ("What are your thoughts on this?" versus "Is that alright with you?"  The second only offers two responses: yes or no).  Reaffirm how much they mean to you and that you're sharing your thoughts because you always feel better being able to share your feelings with them, not because they're responsible for how you feel.

 

All of this I give as examples that I made up.  I don't have nearly enough information to decode what your or their thoughts and feelings are; it's just a template for how to talk about them.  Fill in the details yourself.  You can use humor if you feel that it lightens the mood appropriately.  It may help to have the conversation on a walk, where you don't have to stare directly at each other (prolonged direct eye contact can feel intimidating).  Or if it feels easier, you can write it all in a letter, making it clear this is a dialogue, not a request.

 

And as always, these are just my thoughts based on what has worked for me and what I have been taught;  feel free to take them or not at your discretion.  You know better than I how your relationship works and what may be effective.

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Thank you for your precise answer, Memento1. It really helped me to become clear what this is all about and what matters. 

 

I did it and told them. So far I can say it went quite well. It's quite fresh still right now, so we will both take some time to process and then figure out where this leads us, and how. 

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Yay!  Good on you mustering the courage to do that.  It's easier said than done, and I still find it difficult to talk about my feelings so openly.

 

And thanks for letting us know - a lot of new members here ask for advice and then never respond back.  It's good to know I wasn't wasting my time writing that all out.

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In fact my heart was beating that extraordinary fast and loud they asked what was wrong. So I got a little help... 😉 But still I'm proud of myself breaking that cycle of not talking about my feelings when I know they aren't mutual. 

 

I wanted to thank you for the effort you put in answering, so sharing seemed to be the least thing I could do. 

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4 hours ago, Anamonjae said:

In fact my heart was beating that extraordinary fast and loud they asked what was wrong. So I got a little help... 😉 But still I'm proud of myself breaking that cycle of not talking about my feelings when I know they aren't mutual. 

Ha, oh I can relate!  Two years ago I quit a job where I was pretty unhappy.  I knew when I told my boss I was giving my notice, I wanted to let her know WHY I was leaving (because there was very high turnover and I don't think she was understanding her part in it).  I prepared and practiced, but I kept putting off actually telling her until the last moment because it was so terrifying.  It turned out okay...she didn't get angry, but she also didn't really seem to get my reasoning at all.  But I really look back on that experience with pride, just because that was such a big step for me to face my fear and talk about my feelings to an authority figure.  So I can really relate!

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