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Aces/Aros Pursuing Life of Celibacy


Galactic Turtle

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Galactic Turtle

Hello humans! :) 

 

Are there any folks here who are pursuing a life of celibacy?  A common concern I am asked about when people become aware of my intent is that I will be living in a world where no one will care about me or have my back and as a result I will be alone and miserable. Nonetheless, I have always had a very high opinion of friendship and so far have come to respect a lot of people on the natural journey that is life!

 

Unfortunately, the prioritization of partnership in the modern day does make it a bit difficult to find one's "tribe" of sorts. I've come to appreciate the time I spend with friends but also utilize the time I spend on my own to develops skills and learn new things. I have done some research on the idea of co-housing communities and have personally lived in female only residences run by various religious organizations.

 

I hope some combination of these things will become more popular as I get older for while things are fine now, society is very much structured to revolve around partnership from the way we live to the way laws are written. I am more than happy to opt out but also sometimes wonder if I'm planning appropriately.

 

So if you are also planning on the solo life, what's your plan as it relates to living arrangements, career, finances, etc?

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I know what you mean, but I have to tell yah, being married is certainly no guarantee of happiness.  I was a paralegal for 15 years until I got laid off - the world is full or miserably married people, stuck together due to finances or "because of the kids," sleeping in separate rooms, not speaking to each other, or whatever...  being with someone is not always a pathway to fulfillment and happiness.  Trust me - I've seen inside other people's lives, and other people's live really suck.

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Galactic Turtle
10 minutes ago, thylacine said:

I know what you mean, but I have to tell yah, being married is certainly no guarantee of happiness.  I was a paralegal for 15 years until I got laid off - the world is full or miserably married people, stuck together due to finances or "because of the kids," sleeping in separate rooms, not speaking to each other, or whatever...  being with someone is not always a pathway to fulfillment and happiness.  Trust me - I've seen inside other people's lives, and other people's live really suck.

I definitely know that and have no desire to get married. If I thought I needed to get married to be fulfilled, I would. :P

 

However, I do recognize that staying single for life is kind of going "off script" so it might take some additional planning where thinking about stuff like living situations and finances will pay off in the long run. It's something that I wish was discussed more in ace/celibate communities!  Like I don't have any desire to have my own house. I enjoy communal or community centered living arrangements.

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I'm planning on moving into an apartment later this year and I CAN'T WAIT. It's my own place, and I can decide who does and doesn't come into that. 

 

I accept that I'm likely to be single for the majority of my remaining years - I'm not willing to settle down with anyone unless their presence can significantly increase my quality of life, and hopefully I don't sound too arrogant when I say that's a tall order. I don't fear that I'll end up alone; I have satisfying relationships with several groups of friends, I'm active in several different communities - asexuality, martial arts, occasionally DnD - I have a rich family life with my siblings and their children, and work with some amazingly competent and wonderful people. 

 

I'm kinda concerned about finances, but I also have a very present comparison point with my sister and her family. I only have myself to take care of, whereas she has two little kids and a husband who isn't on much money. I dare say all things considered that my financial situation is better than hers, even considering as a team they have the potential to out-earn me by twice as much. If communal living is something that appeals to you, I'm sure that would keep some costs down even more!

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Crazy Cat Lady

I'm pretty sure I'll be single the rest of my life. I do have plenty of friends who help me out with things, though we don't live together. I do worry as I get older, still, and health issues start happening, that it might get tricky. I bought my first house (one side of a duplex) 4 years ago at 43.

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23 hours ago, Galactic Turtle said:

I definitely know that and have no desire to get married. If I thought I needed to get married to be fulfilled, I would. :P

 

However, I do recognize that staying single for life is kind of going "off script" so it might take some additional planning where thinking about stuff like living situations and finances will pay off in the long run. It's something that I wish was discussed more in ace/celibate communities!  Like I don't have any desire to have my own house. I enjoy communal or community centered living arrangements.

Perhaps you could own a house and still live in a "communal" situation?  You could perhaps co-own with other ace/celibate people, if you found some that were like minded about living communally?  Just a thought ...

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Gifted With Singleness

Aroace celibate here! Honestly, I'm not quite sure what my life is going to look like going forward, but I'll tag along to this thread anyway so I can see what everyone else has to say.

 

I'm a grad student, and I have my own apartment. (I'm actually living with my parents right now due to the whole COVID-19 situation, but you know what I mean.) I like the idea of some kind of religious communal living arrangement in the future, but I haven't really looked into that too much. The first thing that comes to mind would be a monastery, but I'm not Catholic, so that doesn't seem feasible.

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On 5/27/2020 at 9:09 PM, Galactic Turtle said:

I definitely know that and have no desire to get married. If I thought I needed to get married to be fulfilled, I would. :P

 

However, I do recognize that staying single for life is kind of going "off script" so it might take some additional planning where thinking about stuff like living situations and finances will pay off in the long run. It's something that I wish was discussed more in ace/celibate communities!  Like I don't have any desire to have my own house. I enjoy communal or community centered living arrangements.

Things to make plans for : what to do if you become disabled or unable to make decisions (hire a person to give power or attorney to if you have no one you trust). Save up for nursing care in case you need it (,no spouse to dedicate day/night to your care ). 

 

Otherwise... my grandmother left her spouse and did fine single for the rest of her life. Its mostly the end of life / disabled provisions you lose. 

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Hi

I just joined this site due to deciding for pride month that I am going to come out as asexual. I was married once and left my husband due to realizing I had only married and been with guys due to social expectations and not wanting to be alone. I was miserable. Until recently I would always describe myself as straight but bicurious to describe only being with guys but really no more personally interested in either. I am literally unsure what it means to be attracted physically to someone. I am attracted to personalities, especially people who like me for who I am inside.

I honestly have no interest in other people "that way." In my readings, I've come across a lot of advice about how to make relationships work, but what if I'd rather not. I applaud your honesty. Being on my own is so much better than trying to pretend to be something I'm not. I'm actually wondering how to explain to people no I am not married or taken but I don't want to hook up with anyone either.

As for aging and dying alone it could happen to anyone. I hope to surround myself with friends and not just one person. That seems to me like poor planning. No one should be anyone else's everything unless you're stuck on an island. With no internet. 

Even then I would probably rather be alone than with some abusive person or someone who took for granted I'd have sex with them in exchange for company. Not to say I judge other people's choices at all, because if I ever legit fell in love who knows?  But for the foreseeable future that's not for me. Hope this helps. Your shout out definitely helped me. I was like I can't be the only one thinking this!

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Skipper Valvoline

I don't have much of a plan, per se.

 

I live in a small apartment out on my own 5 states away from where I grew up, so I'm trying to put energy into fostering and strengthening friendships in the area. I do immensely enjoy having a place all to myself, but it can get lonely (especially during this quarantine). I'm hoping that that will ease, however, once I am financially secure enough to get a cat.

 

On the one hand, not having a roommate means I can really plan out my finances to a tee... I'm the only one eating the food in my house, so I know how long things will last, and I can keep costs down in a ton of other ways, but I'm also the only one paying all the bills. Pros and cons. Financially I've just started being able to save money again, but will still probably be living paycheck to paycheck for another year or two as my savings slowly builds. Not a plan, really, but more strict rules on not buying what I don't need.

 

I would totally love to have good friends close by, however, with whom we can just go over to each other's homes and hang out and whatnot. I don't know if that's communal living necessarily, but it would be amazing. I worry about my thirties, when most people will be married/getting married and the friendships will be lessened. I figure there'll be a rebound, though, in our late forties/early fifties as everyone gets divorced!

 

But hanging out with people would be great. I really want conversation and camaraderie. 

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Hello, while new here and still learning more about asexuality myself, I can share two points on how I have managed/planning for my future.

 

I am living a celibate single life and always have, now in my mid-40s. I found with a strong network of friends, I am not lacking in terms of meeting my socializing needs. Social norms were more challenging (weddings, major events, where the expectation was for me to bring a guest). Personally, I never had a problem going alone or bringing a close friend. I will admit, in my teens and twenties, it was much more difficult for me as I did attempt to fit in and play my expected role.

 

For living arrangements, I have been fortunate enough to earn sufficient income to cover my expenses and save for a retirment. But I have known some friends that maintained roommates and shared living expenses well into thier 30's. Very viable option depending on where you live (and in some cases a necessity such as NYC or SF).

 

Later in life, I am planning to take one of two actions when my age may make it dangerous to live alone:

1. Hire support (visiting nurse, house cleaner, etc.)

2. Move into an assisted living community (single apartment/room, communal living space/dining hall, staff to assist you with cleaning and health)

 

These options are US centric, and do have a financial considerations around them.

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