Friend Help

[JustJay04]

I posted on here a while ago about a friend I have who was having trouble with accepting a trans person as her friend. 
 

Well, we’re having more problems. And this time I need just a bit of help. 
 

We were talking about me getting a binder. And she pointed me towards a person who thought that they were trans, but then regretted it. The same person that told me that my name wasn’t good. 
 

I’m not in the habit of talking bad about my friends, so I didn’t say much while this conversation was happening. I know she’s trying to help, but come on. 
 

The problem is that we have a convo that’s going to be happening in roughly 5 hours that is going to go over stuff like this. How do I bring up this particular problem? Am I an idiot for even worrying about it? 
 

If no one gets back to me before the 5 hours, don’t worry too much about it. I have an idea of what I’m going to say, I just wanted a couple other people’s opinions on it. 
 

Edit: she pointed me towards this friend with the air of “they regretted it, you might regret it too,” as if I would want to go to this friend who I don’t really trust or know that well about a binder. Her entire reasoning was that they regretted it.

[Rynn]

Hmm, it's difficult to give advice without really knowing how she'd react to things.

 

I think before thinking of a strategy, you need to have the goal clearly in mind. What is your goal in talking to her?

To get her to understand that her not believing you is hurtful? To get her to say sorry, and not make comments like this anymore? To get her to believe you? To get her to be more helpful and supportive, and like, actually help you get a binder? To get her to understand that it's not her job to tell people what they are, because ultimately only they can figure themselves out?

 

Depending on what you want from her, strategies could widely differ.

[anisotrophic]

I think conversations can be good, or fail, depending on whether both people are going to make them good.
 

It sounds like you want this person to know that she’s doing things that seem unsupportive of you being your full self, and we should all want our relationships to be ones that are good for both people. That means being honest with each other. You’ll have to say there’s things you’re experiencing as invalidating, etc.

 

Her honest response may be that she has a lot of doubts & concerns about transition in general, it might be that she’s internalized fears or anger about gender issues that she’s applying to police/judge transition, it might be that she thinks transition is fine sometimes but sometimes the wrong choice & trying to solve other problems, it might be that she genuinely has trouble with setting transition as a “real” change (especially if not done medically; even if, seeing it as “cosmetic”). Etc.

 

The other approach is to just not talk about it. That’s what I do with my parents. After dragging my mom to a therapist, I decided the topic just wasn’t productive, my mother was unwilling to learn about transition and I wasn’t willing to “teach” her in a pattern that means defending myself from accusations, etc. My experience is that someone that won’t express curiosity is being avoidant & conversation is unproductive.

[JustJay04]

@Laurann That is actually helpful, honestly. Helps me know that I’m not actually insane for thinking it’s a problem. This is the first time I’ve confronted her about any of her bs, not just trans stuff, so we’re going to hope it goes well. Cross your fingers, I guess, that she doesn’t take this completely wrong. 
 

@anisotrophic This conversation could go either way. She has pulled some bs before, and this is honestly just kinda more straw on the horse’s (camel’s?) back. I have attempted the avoidance method, and it’s not working. So, y’know, what do I have to lose, right? May as well confront her for being a butt and pretending her advice is useful and necessary, rather than continue not saying anything and getting hurt. Either way, it’ll work out.

[anisotrophic]

👍 Can’t choose your parents, but you can choose your friends! 😄