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The bigest lie of my life.


Domestic Tourist

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Domestic Tourist

I have been living a lie for the last 30+ years.  That lie is celibacy.  I embraced the term.  I embraced Church life, and became a trusted Church member.  Church Elders trust me with their children which I consider an extreme honor.  I have stated during Men's Group that the reason that I have never been married is that I never "burned" with lust like they have, and they simply accepted it, like I am a modern Paul, devoted to consecrated Christian celibacy.

 

There's the lie, I'm not celibate.  This requires no effort, no sacrifice.  I feel like I am getting gold stars just for showing up.  Like I am held up as an ideal man, when I'm just me, doing life like I would.  My Church sisters, they are at wits end trying to uphold their teachings in a hypsersexualized society, they have asked why I don't approach them.  They are celibate until marriage, and I seem to be celibate until marrage, and that it should be a great fit, even more so because they know for a fact that I would never cross their boundries.

 

But theres the misnomer, their celibacy is temporary, having a set expiration date, and my Asexuality being lifelong.  I'm not comfortable coming out or even talking to my Pastor about this.  I have the feeling like I am rejecting women that I have no objective standing rejecting.  The only reason I don't get into a relationship with one of them is no matter how many times I state that sex isn't on my radar, they will expect it in the end, and I don't want to get invested in the "long game" just to have things blow up later.

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I'm a bit confused. You are celibate, aren't you?

Sure, you're ace, but being celibate is the act of not having sex. So you can be a celibate ace and a non-celibate ace. 

 

So it's not really a lie if your celibacy is caused by your asexuality. It's on them for assuming it's some big thing. 

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WaywardHeroine

I suppose it's not "technically" a lie; it sounds to me like even if you weren't ace, you would still want to be celibate.  However I do understand the discomfort of being awarded accolades you feel like you don't deserve.

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ôÿē èîęēú ïė ēôēįîûôø

@Domestic Tourist

 

I am touched by your authenticity. While I have no advice to offer you on this, just know that your act of being genuine on this thread deserves the utmost of accolades from me.

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I heard a podcast a while back about a female pastor who thought 'this celibacy thing is so easy!' before realising they were asexual, I can see why it might feel like cheating in some way.

I'm celibate for non-religious reasons, we rarely get accolades, mostly pity and amusement 😄

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I don't think it's really a lie. But i get why you would feel like it is. 

If we compare this to a video game, you feel like you're cheating because every one else is trying hard to, by example, defeat the final boss of the game without any weapons, while you have a sword and an armour. 

But it doesn't make you less christian and devoted to the church than the other members. You may have it easier, but you still chose to be devoted to your religion and you seem to do an excellent job. You don't have to feel guilty for your sexual orientation. 

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"Celibacy is the state of voluntarily being unmarried, sexually abstinent, or both, usually for religious reasons."  That's what's happening here, no? I assume that the "lie" part stems from the idea that you don't need to sacrifice anything, that you don't need to give up something or struggle with not having sex. Basically, it's not "difficult enough" for you to count as celibacy? On the other hand, there are asexuals who engage in sex, usually for the sake of their partner.

 

Besides that, wouldn't this "god" thing already know about this? Surely it would have told you if it hadn't be okay with how this pans out? Also, wouldn't it even be better to not have these feelings to begin with, from a religious point of view? To me that's kind of like saying, I don't have an innate urge to slap people in the face, so I'm a less good member of the group than someone who walks around quietly telling themselves "Don't slap people. Don't slap people. Don't slap people..." all day. I know which of these two I'd feel more comfortable around...

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Janus the Fox

It’s understandable that the act of celibacy feels like there needs to be withholding and holding back sexual urges.  Just a small reminder that some people can be celibate with or without sexual urges and a person describing the feeling of no urges as nor celibate is valid.

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2 hours ago, Janus DarkFox said:

It’s understandable that the act of celibacy feels like there needs to be withholding and holding back sexual urges.  Just a small reminder that some people can be celibate with or without sexual urges and a person describing the feeling of no urges as nor celibate is valid.

Yup!

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Phantasmal Fingers

I can see exactly why you see this as a lie, @Domestic Tourist. Because you are held up by some people (who do not know you are ace) as an ideal of abstinence and restraint - qualities on which they place a very high value - on the assumption that you are denying yourself the pleasure of indulging a desire for sex that you do not feel. I absolutely understand where you're coming from on this one. 

 

But consider this: I have friends I have known for 20 years and more who I have never 'come out to' as asexual. Some of them, I'm sure, at least from things they have said, would be surprised - perhaps even shocked - if they knew that I've never been in a relationship, have only had sex a handful of times, and that the last occasion when I did was back in the 1990s.

 

But they are free to assume whatever they like - I don't mind. The difference between my friends and the people in your church would seem to be that my friends have no particular axe to grind when it comes to deciding who to have sex with. They just seem to assume that everyone normal has some kind of sex life, and that therefore I must have one too. But I'm not uncomfortable with that - I don't mind what I think they think about me. So why should I change anything? 

 

If you are uncomfortable with what people around you are thinking or saying then I would say that it's up to you to be proactive and do something about it. In a sense it's not your problem. But then, if you find the current situation intolerable, it seems to me that from what you have said you have only two alternatives - either leave this church you are in or tell the people in it that you're ace. Apart from the status quo, what other options do you have? 

 

I don't want to come across as telling you what you should do. But in your post you come across as asking what you should do next. Given what you've told us, I think you have the two other options I've mentioned above. I assume you think so too but have yet to decide which one to take? 

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9 hours ago, Domestic Tourist said:

I have stated during Men's Group that ... I never "burned" with lust like they have, and they simply accepted it

Isn't that a good thing though?

 

9 hours ago, Domestic Tourist said:

like I am a modern Paul

To be honest I don't think celibacy was difficult for Paul either. So you kind of are like Paul in this regard, aren't you? I think many of those who choose celibacy are in fact asexual. It doesn't matter whether it's very difficult or not difficult at all. I don't think you're lying.

 

9 hours ago, Domestic Tourist said:

they will expect it in the end

Is that your assumption or have they said so? If you're truly in love with a woman and she's interested in you, I think you should at least try.

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Do you know about the asexual Christians thread? It's right here:

 

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