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Personal question: Do you prefer being single or in a relationship?


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I’ve never been in a relationship, so I can’t talk about this with as much authority as someone who has been and is able to make a direct comparison between the two situations.

 

However, I like being single and I do think that I would prefer that over being in a relationship. One thing I am absolutely certain of is that I could never cope with being in a full on relationship in the “normal” or “traditional” sense in the way that a married couple are, because that is 24 hours a day 7 days a week and you never get any respite from it. I need my solitary time.

 

I think the only sort of situation that I may possibly prefer to being single is a relationship which is not as full on as "normal" relationships and marriages normally are.

 

I would be apprehensive as to whether I would be happy sharing the same house with someone with whom I was in a relationship.

 

If I was persuaded to share a house, I am absolutely certain that there is no way I would be willing to share the same bedroom.

 

Now consider that most people in a “normal” relationship share the same bed! That is something that for me sounds like an absolute nightmare. As I am not even sure if I would be comfortable sharing the same house, there would be absolutely NO WAY IN HELL that I could ever be comfortable with sharing the same bed.  

 

It might be cool if someone would agree to a kind of “part time” relationship. If I could be in a relationship Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays and then be single on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays, that might work for me!

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6 hours ago, Leedle-Lee said:

I don't like this question. (Nothing against you, OP! It's a personal thing.) Mostly because there's nothing wrong with being either. Yes, when you're single, you're independent and have some windfall to be irresponsible. A relationship is a big responsibility and revolves around communication, empathy, and understanding, but there is the obvious benefit of companionship. I don't like how our society treats being single, but I also don't like how some people shit on healthy relationships, either. Both are good. Both are valid.

I totally agree. 

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I prefer to be single because:

- It’s most comfortable

- I don’t have to be vulnerable

- I have freedom 

- I can be myself 

- I won’t get hurt

- I don’t have to worry about what another person feels about my choices

- I don’t think I can fall in love

- I don’t know what it’s like to be in a relationship and it’s scary AF

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I just did the math and I have been single for literally 98% of my life. At this point, I'd basically have to revamp everything completely for the sake of including another person into things. Yeah, nah. Not happening. If I ended up falling in love ever again (and I sure hope not to), I'd just tough it out and swear at my brain for tipping that test tube over until I've regained my sanity.

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GlamRocker
4 hours ago, Ortac said:

If I was persuaded to share a house, I am absolutely certain that there is no way I would be willing to share the same bedroom.

My husband and I have had our own beds and bedrooms for like 10 years!! It's so much better, because you have all this personal space in the house. When I hear about "man caves" and "she sheds" I just cringe, because I know the need for these things is caused by spouses having NO PERSONAL SPACE IN THE HOUSE!!! I also saw this huge thread on Reddit about married couples who have their own rooms, and I prepared for the deluge of "OMG that's not even love wutttttt" but was surprised to find the majority of responses in the thread were about how they knew and old couple who had their own rooms for decades. This made me believe that my suspicion is RIGHT... having your own rooms as a married couple is GOOD FOR YOUR MARRIAGE.

 

I mean, when we want to hang out, we just hang out. So many people (when they find out) are like, "But, when do you see each other? How do you do things in bed?" (well, we don't, unless they mean cuddling, but anyway...) I don't understand why they think having your own room will ruin this. It's not like your house is several miles long.

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13 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said:

and it seems that for me forming relationships is much harder than for an average person. Even an average asexual - as far as I know, nobody has ever been in love with me. :(

Urgh same Y_Y and I'm not even ace, sigh. No one in 'real life' has ever been in love with me. I had a five year long 'relationship' that started in my teens but I know now it wasn't really a relationship, it was just control and abuse and trafficking. He never loved me, but took advantage of my shyness and mental instability for his own pleasure and for financial profit. I ran away from him when I was preg with our second child because I thought he was going to hurt the baby in my stomach. I took our toddler too. We never saw him again after that and he never signed their birth certificates.

 

I have met a few people online who loved me for a time at least, so that's something. But I realize now that's no good for me, I need the support and companionship of a 'real' person, which would make life easier for me and the other person (because I can cook and clean etc, I have stuff to offer). But...I don't even have acquaintances. I haven't known a 'real person' since like..2011, and even back then, no one was actually a friend. Just people I knew. I don't even know how to make a friend, let alone a partner, in an offline real-world situation (and even online that all seems to have completely stopped). 

 

So anyway, yes I can empathize with how you're feeling. I have no idea how others seem to meet people so easily who they are so compatible with, in 'real life' none-the-less, or how people have friends. It seems so difficult to me 😕

 

10 hours ago, GlamRocker said:

they can't even remember what it was like to NOT have kids

Heh well, I would die for my kids easily but I do remember what it was like without them in that there was no real worry. Yes there was pain and suffering, but like.. I was never afraid to be murdered or anything so I had this freedom from worry. No matter how bad stuff got, I didn't feel concern about my own death (and was pretty sure it was going to happen quite a few times!!). However of course now that I have kids that's something I have to worry about all the time. I have to worry about danger. I have to worry about the 'bad guys'. I have to barricade the bedroom door every night and sleep with weapons so I can protect them 'just in case' something happens. Because unfortunately I know all the bad things that can happen. Sigh. And I have to protect myself too so I can care for them. Without kids, I only had to worry about myself and I wasn't concerned about murder. I felt invincible. I don't feel that way anymore Y_Y and that's another reason having a partner I could actually trust and respect would be a good thing. There'd be an extra pair of hands to fight the bad guys so I wouldn't need to be so concerned. 

 

Anyway yes I'm probably in a minority of parents who remember very clearly what it was like to not be a parent! But heck, the difference is just so massive for me it's almost unfathomable! 

 

Ps I'm glad you were able to work out the relationship pain you had and now are in a stable long-term relationship. That's amazing 💚

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6 hours ago, Philip027 said:

Correct.  If a relationship feels like being "tied down" or whatever, I am not convinced it is the right relationship for you.  It should feel the opposite; it should be uplifting.

Yep!! It should be uplifting. And it should make your life easier, not harder. :)

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isnotajoke

Aside from a few spells of dating I've been single for life. It bugged me when I was younger, less so now. I can prioritize my job, hobbies, diet, living space and so on around my own needs without having to accommodate another person. Between work, friends and family I get as much social interaction as I want.

 

I think I would be happy (in a different way) in the right kind of relationship. I like the idea of separate bedrooms/space, not living together all the time, and not feeling like I have to spend every free day/weekend/whatever with a partner (while still providing & receiving support, mental connection, etc). I've tried putting feelers/profiles up on online dating sites, but most people aren't after what I'm after. I'm curious to try a relationship, but I'm also happy enough single to wait for a person that's a good match. :)

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ZimmerGirl

I prefer being single cuz I wasn't happy in relationships. And if you're single, it gives you more freedom, doesn't it? 

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On 5/25/2020 at 6:15 PM, Alejandrogynous said:

 I'm not opposed to relationships so if someone did come along to make me catch feelings, that'd be cool, but I don't feel like my life is lacking in any way for not having a partner so I don't feel much motivation to look for one. I'm happy as I am and I figure if something's meant to be, it'll find me.

This basically is my position, too. 

I value my independence, freedom, privacy, and alone-time, a lot, I must say. I'm not sure that, under any circumstances, I'd be willing to ever again move in with someone I'm involved with in a classical romantic relationship.

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WobblyWallaby

Granted I've been single far more (SO SO MUCH MORE) than I've been in a relationship but there are good things from both. I think that you can't be in a relationship until you are secure with yourself. How can you expect someone to love you if you don't love you.

I say this but part of the reason that I've stayed single and avidly avoided the dating pool is because I've found that the demand from relationships can be too much. There are expectations that I can never fulfill comfortably and I've never wanted to put my weirdness on anyone else and hurt them in the process.

That was a wee bit rambling.

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DarkStormyKnight

Tbh I'm unsure? In general I prefer being single, if someone popped up who would be a good match for me relationship-wise I'd be open to it though. I got to a point where I was surprisingly happy in my last relationship and would like to be at that point again. But that definitely isn't happening for a while so I guess I'll go with single for now.

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Both to some degree. I quite enjoy being single, the freedom, not having to worry about carving out time for another person, doing what I want when I want etc. 
But I do miss being in a solid relationship. I miss waking up next to a person I feel I can trust, casual small talk, eating together etc. I kinda want a best friend who I also live together with. I currently love my friends, and some of my family, no doubt about it, but I do miss that feeling of "this person is mine, and I am theirs".  

I do not miss the start of the relationship, but I don't mind putting in the work if I believe me and the other person have the same goals in life. I am however not going to date anyone who is not ace again. Too many broken boundaries and compromises that only hurt both parties.  I am not aro, but I don't really fall in love either, but I can build it if there is enough trust

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Reality is that I am single for life, relationships were in reality a chance for a woman to prove she's still able to get someone, when I attempted and failed in relationships, all of my partners cheated on me, I gave up on relationships in 1991 before I even knew of the term asexual after being told by a couple of exes who didn't know each other the reasons why they went with me was that "I appeared to be desperate, I gave them what they wanted (without sex), I looked after them, was good to them, but I'm fat, ugly and dull, but I just proved to them that they could still pull" so single for me, after being on my own for so long now, I don't know what to do with regard to relationships

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AceMissBehaving

I think I can be equally emotionally happy either way, like I don’t feel a need to deliberately seek out a partner if I’m single, but am happy with the right person.

 

On 5/25/2020 at 4:04 AM, Philip027 said:

The former was only working out for me because I had my mom to basically take care of me and give me a roof over my head.  If you were to take away those things, I would technically have to say the latter because I wouldn't be able to survive on my own.

 

So, I'm not sure I can really answer the question without bias.

 

For what it's worth, I'm married and hella introverted (so is my spouse) but for us, being around each other doesn't have the same sort of effect as being around most other people does.  Interaction with others tends to take away our "spoons" as it were, but it isn't like that with each other for us.  We've managed to live together in the same dwelling for nearly the past 1.5 years, neither of us have felt like we've had to give up any "freedom" or whatever to do it, and we can only go "wtf?" at the various other couples we hear/read about that are going stir crazy living together in this time of quarantine.   It really comes down to finding the right person.

I feel this a lot too, and it makes it hard for me to answer the question. I know emotionally I’m ok either way, but functionally I’m not good on my own.

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Mackenzie Holiday

I prefer being in a relationship. I mean, I need my "me time" to focus on my own things as much as the next person, and being single for even long stretches of time is fine by me, but there are things that I really enjoy about being in a relationship... especially the affection... I love affection...

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On 5/25/2020 at 9:53 AM, Cocothecoconut said:

I used to want to be in a platonic relationship but that was because I thought I was straight. I’m aroflux but I would still date a girl. I view it like it’s platonic but you get to do couple things without it being awkward and if you date a romantic person it’s nice knowing they love you. I wouldn’t mind too much if I was on my own but I like being with someone more

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ChickenMayo

single ofc, mainly bcs i'm an aroace, shy, and awkward person. Also, the thought of having relationships with someone is just pressuring me and giving me anxiety

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I've never been in a relationship. I'm open to the possibility, but not interested enough to pursue one. I think that's a big clue that I prefer being single. 🤷‍♀️
 

On 5/25/2020 at 12:21 PM, Moon Spirit ☽ said:

makes me cringe if I imagine someone making googly eyes at me

This would weird me out too.

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I like queerplatonic relationships best and idk y

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I've been single for most of my life and do well in this state. I'm a classic introvert - I like being social, but I need my own space to go home to and recharge. However, I have been asking myself lately if sex were off the table, would I be able to have a romantic relationship with a guy or gal? And...I'm not really sure. My few and far between attempts at dating were more of a chore and there was always the specter of the other person eventually wanting sex, Which just left me with anxiety and nothing ever lasted more than a few months.  But if there was no expectation of sex, that might change things. However, I'm dubious I'd manage to find such a partner, and to be fair, I'm not highly motivated to look as I've always been comfortable being single.

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Phantasmal Fingers
On 5/25/2020 at 5:09 PM, Homer said:

I think it's a terrible term; to me it's a cop-out that reeks of narcicissm and self-entitlement.

To me it just makes no sense. Being single does not make me half a person. I'm complete as I am and prefer things this way. 

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Aquatic Paradox

I would like a relationship, but I would prefer my partner to by my neighbour, rather than live with me (in an ideal world). 

 

Also the emotional connection (which I would value) would need to be internal rather than external (like old love). 

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Purple Red Panda

Always been single so I would at least like a try at being in a relationship. I don't feel lonely as much as I used to because I now live with my best friend in what is probably some form of queer platonic relationship but it would be nice to see what a realationship would be like.

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ClaryFray1984

I miss snuggles, cuddles and kissing. But I'm not sure if I'm in a place to be in a relationship right now.

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On 5/25/2020 at 2:25 PM, Leedle-Lee said:

I don't like this question. (Nothing against you, OP! It's a personal thing.) Mostly because there's nothing wrong with being either. Yes, when you're single, you're independent and have some windfall to be irresponsible. A relationship is a big responsibility and revolves around communication, empathy, and understanding, but there is the obvious benefit of companionship. I don't like how our society treats being single, but I also don't like how some people shit on healthy relationships, either. Both are good. Both are valid.

Of course both are valid. Many of my close friends and family members are in a relationship or married. So i don’t even complain or have something against it. I just feel kind of lonely sometimes, not because i need a partner, cause i don’t. But i just asked the question to see if there were asexuals who were singles. And it’s so stupid that i think so much about that i’m single and virgin. 

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I love the idea of relationships and I personally do want to be in a relationship. But then there's a part of me who knows that it's really tiring to be in a relationship and that I lack the commitment and emotional energy to dedicate to that. This is a tough question to answer, to be honest. 

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ManyThings0

I honestly don’t know anymore. I long for a relationship sometimes, but I know I’m not gonna enjoy it. So, if I had to choose one, being single is more comfortable for me.

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