TintedYellow Posted May 25, 2020 Share Posted May 25, 2020 For some reason I find myself judging people who sleep around. I keep reminding myself, “there’s nothing wrong with it.” It’s not even the sex part that bothers me. It’s more so sleeping with someone you don’t know? I don’t understand how people can sleep with someone they don’t know. Don’t you want to make sure they’re a good person? What if you are sleeping with a person is a terrible person? Doesn’t that kind of upset you that you’ve pleasured them in some way. I guess I’m judgemental because they’re not cautious and don’t care about these things Another thing I don’t get is the obsession with nudes. I know this part is really hard for me to grasp since I just don’t see anyone that way. But I find it extremely disrespectful when guys ask girls for nudes ten minutes into a conversation? And it’s completely normal too. I also don’t understand why some guys say they don’t have to delete their ex’s nudes after a breakup. To me, you broke up for a reason. You no longer want to be with that person for whatever reason. So why would you insist on holding onto it? I find it gross because it feels like keeping someone’s nude after a breakup seems like you don’t even see them as a person anymore. It’s just someone who turns you on. And I find that repulsive. I feel like there are more things I don’t get but I can’t think of any right now. I might be in my head too much with my asexual side so I was wondering if anyone has objective thoughts or maybe even thinks the same. It bothers me that I feel this way Link to post Share on other sites
Still Posted May 25, 2020 Share Posted May 25, 2020 12 minutes ago, TintedYellow said: But I find it extremely disrespectful when guys ask girls for nudes ten minutes into a conversation? And it’s completely normal too. Pretty sure nobody considers this normal, and any guy who does this is (rightfully) considered a creep. Link to post Share on other sites
TintedYellow Posted May 25, 2020 Author Share Posted May 25, 2020 13 minutes ago, Still said: Pretty sure nobody considers this normal, and any guy who does this is (rightfully) considered a creep. Ok that is good. I’m seen so many guys who make it seem weird and not a big deal to do those things so it’s made me second guess myself a lot. To the point I don’t even know what I feel about something is normal or not or if my asexuality is clouding my thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted May 25, 2020 Share Posted May 25, 2020 58 minutes ago, TintedYellow said: For some reason I find myself judging people who sleep around. I keep reminding myself, “there’s nothing wrong with it.” It’s not even the sex part that bothers me. It’s more so sleeping with someone you don’t know? I don’t understand how people can sleep with someone they don’t know. Don’t you want to make sure they’re a good person? What if you are sleeping with a person is a terrible person? Doesn’t that kind of upset you that you’ve pleasured them in some way. I guess I’m judgemental because they’re not cautious and don’t care about these things Same here. I don’t understand why some people see the fun in sleeping around with other people they don’t even know or have a deep connection to. But you know if sleeping around with others and having multiple partners is what some wants, that’s their business and not mine. It’s their problem and not mine. But i just think it’s sad wether they use safe sex or not. Link to post Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere Posted May 25, 2020 Share Posted May 25, 2020 Why don't you just allow yourself to dislike it? Is a bit of conservatism not allowed? I'm all for, for example, same-sex love being considered as good, moral, normal and sinless as different-sex love - but I believe that sex should be (for those who desire it) an expression of love and/or committment, I don't accept casual sex. After all, I can't force anyone to share my views, but they can't force me either to believe that every single consensual sex act is equally good. No, if there is no committment, it shouldn't happen. People should learn to practice a little bit of restraint and not to rush to have sex with just anyone the moment they feel aroused. Quality of sex matters, not just quantity. I feel that normalisation of casual sex has a lot of downsides. Such as the one you mentioned: asking for nude photos. (As a nudity-averse and unattractive person, I don't have any and have even never seen my whole body. I don't want to see myself naked and wash myself without looking down.) Really, sexual expression of a average man is becoming more and more disgusting. I have a friend who is straight and pretty much sexual, she even considers herself addicted to sex (and is attending therapy) - and even she finds "d*ck pics" annoying and disgusting as a practice. Another downside is, of course, a lot of people looking down on those who don't want to have any casual sex. Suddenly people who only want to have sex out of love are the ones who have to defend their position. They get accused of "wasting their youth" or "being prudes" or whatever by people who don't understand that it's really not their business... I have seen some asexuals who either really want to try sex out of curiousity or - worryingly often - feel that they have to try sex even if such an idea makes them deeply uncomfortable, due to all this "how can you be sure?", all this sexual propaganda which invalidates any decision to never have sex. And they often turn to casual sex for purpuse of such an experiment, or at least try to. (I'm happy to have taken part in persuading at least one very visibly distressed girl not to do it.) Even taking aside all moral aspects: casual sex is a deeply suboptimal environment for someone who has never had sex and is anxious about it, even if they genuinely want to try. People who have a lot of casual sex just don't usually "deal" with sexually inexperienced people and may not realise or not remember that there is a huge difference in how to proceed with a sex enthusiast and with someone for whom it would be their first time. Link to post Share on other sites
Phantasmal Fingers Posted May 25, 2020 Share Posted May 25, 2020 If you're asexual there is no reason you should regard sexual behaviour as normal if the definition of normality is that it describes something everyone does. The word everyone is hardly ever used in a literal sense. There's usually a minority, which is often pitied or looked down on. If what you see as normal for consenting sexuals bothers you then it would seem that you have internalised something about what you ought to be doing - which is presumably why you feel uncomfortable when you think about yourself in the same situations. Link to post Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza Posted May 25, 2020 Share Posted May 25, 2020 Remind yourself it's got fuck all to do with you? Pun accidental. Link to post Share on other sites
LeChat Posted May 25, 2020 Share Posted May 25, 2020 11 hours ago, TintedYellow said: For some reason I find myself judging people who sleep around...I don’t understand how people can sleep with someone they don’t know. Don’t you want to make sure they’re a good person? What if you are sleeping with a person is a terrible person? Doesn’t that kind of upset you that you’ve pleasured them in some way. I guess I’m judgemental because they’re not cautious and don’t care about these things... Some people can intuitively or immediately tell whether or not someone is a good, safe person when meeting them for the first time--observing their behavior, what they say, etc.--or deciding to become friends with them when speaking to them for the first time. I've had classmates who'd never spoke to me, before--and adult strangers who hadn't met me for long--suddenly come up to me and tell me that they could tell I was a good person, tell me that I should keep being nice, that I "shouldn't change," etc.; I've also had strangers congratulate me for my skating, etc. As an example, years ago, I went to see a free, university theater reading; I was very impressed by one actor's performance. After watching the reading for a couple of hours, I happened to see the actor in the lobby; after only seeing him smile and hearing him say, "Thank you!" and another sentence to me, when I congratulated him, I could tell he was a nice, friendly person (even though he was exhausted, he wasn't acting annoyed, angry, etc. that strangers were coming up to him, congratulating his performance. So, I suddenly wished I was a student at the university, like him, because his friendly voice/personality made me wish I could be friends with him). So, I just don't think of it as any of my business and that if a person feels comfortable enough to want or be willing to have sex with someone/people they don't know well, then, that's what they're comfortable with (i.e. that they know their own limits, what they feel comfortable with, etc.) I imagine that, for example, if they felt unsafe or uncomfortable when meeting up with someone, that they might not be keen to have sex with them. Just because some people might participate in having sex with people whom they don't know well, it doesn't necessarily mean that they're not cautious: perhaps, they've already searched the person's social media and gotten an impression of them; watched their behavior and listened to them speak when interacting with them or other people: the tone of their voice, what they choose to talk about, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Karst Posted May 26, 2020 Share Posted May 26, 2020 There are a lot of things in this world that I don't understand- American football, quantum mechanics, gender. Sometimes, you just have to shrug and go on with your day. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted May 26, 2020 Share Posted May 26, 2020 I remind myself that as long as people aren't harming anyone else, it's okay if they choose to sleep around. It's not something I agree with but it's just the way it is. Link to post Share on other sites
GlamRocker Posted May 26, 2020 Share Posted May 26, 2020 I don't see the problem with it. Whenever people are like, "It's irresponsible." How so? There's birth control and protection/screening for STDs. And a lot of sex doesn't even cause pregnancy, anyway... like gay sex. Or oral. And if you're talking about emotionally irresponsible, as you KNOW (being an asexual) not everyone has the same types of feelings about sex. To some people it's just casual and friendly. Link to post Share on other sites
AceMissBehaving Posted May 26, 2020 Share Posted May 26, 2020 On 5/25/2020 at 3:02 AM, TintedYellow said: Another thing I don’t get is the obsession with nudes. I know this part is really hard for me to grasp since I just don’t see anyone that way. But I find it extremely disrespectful when guys ask girls for nudes ten minutes into a conversation? And it’s completely normal too. Even my hyper sexual friends think it’s super disrespectful when guys start requesting like that, it might be common, but that doesn’t mean it’s welcomed. Link to post Share on other sites
Firefly8 Posted May 26, 2020 Share Posted May 26, 2020 I'm not a sleep around type, but I wouldn't mind hugging around or kissing around. What would be the difference in your question if those were the activities and not sex? They both would pleasure the other person. Link to post Share on other sites
Eutierria Posted May 28, 2020 Share Posted May 28, 2020 On 5/25/2020 at 9:02 AM, TintedYellow said: For some reason I find myself judging people who sleep around. I keep reminding myself, “there’s nothing wrong with it.” It’s not even the sex part that bothers me. It’s more so sleeping with someone you don’t know? I don’t understand how people can sleep with someone they don’t know. I used to think like this until I started questioning myself why I was so uncomfortable with it when it has nothing to do with me & the people involved are OK with it & they're not doing harm to themselves or to others. Growing up, I subconsciously picked up "this is bad" or "this is good" when in reality, those are opinions belonging to others with their own set of beliefs. I mainly feel indifferent about this now when it comes to other people. For myself, I can't do it. Emotional & mental connection is really important to me & that takes time to build. Someone who genuinely cares for you is more likely to take their time & make sure you're OK. On 5/25/2020 at 9:02 AM, TintedYellow said: Another thing I don’t get is the obsession with nudes. I know this part is really hard for me to grasp since I just don’t see anyone that way. But I find it extremely disrespectful when guys ask girls for nudes ten minutes into a conversation? And it’s completely normal too. I also don’t understand why some guys say they don’t have to delete their ex’s nudes after a breakup. To me, you broke up for a reason. You no longer want to be with that person for whatever reason. So why would you insist on holding onto it? I find it gross because it feels like keeping someone’s nude after a breakup seems like you don’t even see them as a person anymore. It’s just someone who turns you on. And I find that repulsive. Some of my allo friends finds this disrespectful too & leads to an instant block. I've never requested & then-boyfriend knew not to ask but I would feel the same repulsion & not understand why pictures won't be deleted out of respect...disappointing really considering it was someone you cared about (hopefully). On 5/25/2020 at 9:02 AM, TintedYellow said: was wondering if anyone has objective thoughts or maybe even thinks the same. It bothers me that I feel this way When it comes to this sort of thing, I'm not sure there is a right/wrong way to think. We can be influenced by family, friends, traditional media, social media, the culture(s) we were brought up in/around etc. However you experience life will have an impact on how you come to think about these things. I wouldn't stress about it. It would be dishonest of me to say I wasn't slightly comforted somewhat to know that there is someone else out there with similar thoughts but it's also good to see that we question our own beliefs - that feels healthy to me. On 5/25/2020 at 11:20 AM, Nowhere Girl said: Why don't you just allow yourself to dislike it? Is a bit of conservatism not allowed? Also this. Link to post Share on other sites
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