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Wilgefortis

Coming out to tween children?

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Wilgefortis

Hi there, I'm new here. I'm in my early 40s and present as cishet female, married with kids, but actually all of that makes me miserable. I've spent most of my life in conservative religious school and social circles, so it took me this long to figure out I'm actually asexual. I just thought I was "being good" in "saving sex for marriage," and then my unhappiness in marriage was about my spouses' mental health issues and bad behaviors. (On my second marriage for 13 years, after a disastrous starter marriage with no kids in my 20s.) But over the last several months my current husband has been getting effective mental health treatment and doing a lot more to contribute equally to the family and show care and respect for me, but I still don't have any sexual or romantic attraction for him. I was getting messages from counseling/self-help books that suggested this was something that needed "fixing," and I realized that was just pushing me to keep "faking it." I also realized that I've found the experience of motherhood to be very unsatisfying, even traumatic, because I'm actually androgyne, so having to "act female" all the time is deeply destabilizing and difficult for me. 

 

I've come out to my husband about being asexual and androgyne in counseling recently, which he's dealing with pretty well. I honestly don't want to be married or partnered at all, but it's too much trouble with kids who are 9 and 12 for us to separate, and cohabitating is comfortable enough for me for the near term if I'm not expected to have sex. But my kids are definitely picking up on my negativity about sex and romance due to the way I felt duped and misfitted into the life we have. I also want to be able to forge a more authentic lifestyle for myself, and don't want them to think that it's their fault or their dad's that I don't like being a "wife and mother."

 

Anyone else go through the process of coming out with their own kids, particularly in this age range where they're old enough to understand what I'm talking about, but neither sexually active nor practically independent yet? Or do you recommend waiting until they are a little older or if/when my husband and I decide to separate?

 

TII

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Skycaptain

@Wilgefortis, welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂

 

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Faraon

thank you for this topic

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will123

Welcome to AVEN :cake: There was a similar topic a few months ago. I'll try to find it and will post the link.

 

I take it that you'd rather live solo?

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will123

My bad, turns out the thread was about how a mother should discuss her son's asexuality (she had noticed he was wearing a black ring).

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Wilgefortis

I don't necessarily want to live solo. I'm an extrovert at heart who needs to have interaction with other people regularly. But if I live with someone, I don't want the pressures and jealousies of sexual and romantic relationships being part of that equation. If I share space with someone, I want them doing their fair share of contributing to the basic household needs, and I don't want it to be hard to say "this isn't working; bye" if they're being lazy, immature, unkind, or untrustworthy. Maybe it's just because of my experience with traditional heterosexual relationships, but it seems to me that marriage and cishet partnerships are designed to make it difficult to sever relationships that are no longer mutually beneficial, leaving the person giving more and getting less in a very difficult situation.

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will123

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Puppy Whipped

 

@Wilgefortis welcome. 

 

I came out as ace to my daughter who was well into her 30s, so I have nothing to offer in the way of advice. I loved being a mom and only recently realized that I am ace. You are miles ahead of many, so, congrats! 

 

We are similar in that, I have always wanted a relationship like the one you speak of. One where there is mutual love and respect and sharing of life and sex not be a thing. 

 

You've started a good topic, I hope it gets some action, so to speak. 

 

Again, welcome and big Texas, er......elbow bumps!

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will123

Would the arrangements described fall into the realm of a queer platonic relationship (QPR)?

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