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Can this happen? Does it fall into the spectrum?


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Hi! I’m fairly new to posting on forums so I’m not quite sure if there’s a proper etiquette so fair warning if it’s a jumbled mess? 

Though I think as a 16 year old I had a very odd relationship with sex, like it’s kind of weird how my libido spiked up when I was really small (well even before hitting puberty). I did have thoughts of sexual attraction but I never really wanted to act on it, but there were sometimes exceptions. After doing some experimenting I was settling for just being pansexual. I thought I had everything figured out? 
This was just all in the past now because for some reason now I don’t feel any sexual attraction. Like sure I can masturbate, but I don’t fantasize about anyone since it’s really to get it over with if I’m feeling “horny” (Sometimes I just don’t like it, like I’m doing something repulsive). I had girlfriends and boyfriends, sure they were pretty sexual and I was okay with it but now I just can’t see myself doing these things. I honestly want to hold and kiss someone, doing just self indulgent personal things with them (that’s sort of a basic summary of course). I can single out my developing romantic attraction, which is now being sapphic, but it’s just oddly occurring to me that I feel like my sexual attraction changed? Or was it just something that’s always been there, it was just hidden in hormones? 

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Hello, and welcome here🍰

 

Yes, sexual attraction can change and fluctuate, not only during puberty. Yes, one can successfully fool oneself about one's own sexuality for quite some time, for various reasons. But no, I sadly can't tell you what's the case with you there personally. Nobody really can, I fear, because only you know how things feel on the inside.

 

I can relate to some of the experiences you shared, though not to all. After having believed myself hetero-, bi- and pansexual (in chronological order from the start of puberty on) , I've come to realize over a decade after puberty that none of these actually are what I am. Looking back, I can say that there have always been strong hints that I am asexual - there even wasn't any hormonal "rush" covering things up as a teen. I just never knew this existed in humans in a non-pathological sense and thus never recognized it.

 

So what you experience could fall into the spectrum. It could be a "phase", a fluctuation, or permanent. It could be just now surfacing or due to any number of intrinsic and extrinsic factors in your life. What helped me most in figuring out if asexuality is something that describes my own experiences was and is reading about the experiences of others who identify as ace, and it's still an ongoing process. 

This whole post probably isn't very helpful to clear things up for you. But at least you're in a good place to start figuring out now. 😉

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