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Asexual, Sexually Repressed, Both??


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MaryPenelope

I know I'm not the first person to wonder about this, but lately I've been wondering whether I'm asexual, or sexually repressed, or even maybe both????

So, first off, I think I'm probably ace in some way because I really don't think I've ever been sexually attracted to anyone - like sometimes people are pretty and I maybe want to kiss them (maybe??? the concept is appealing but the one kiss I've had wasn't really enjoyable), but I don't really think about getting naked and doing the do, you know? And idk, honestly I find the whole concept of sexual attraction to be very confusing (romantic attraction too, but that's another issue), so maybe I'm just not thinking about it right? But the point is, I'm pretty sure I don't experience it, so I guess technically I am ace because that's the definition

But at the same time, I've also experienced stuff that I've read can be indications of sexual repression: discomfort and anxiety over the concept of sex, guilt or shame from masturbation - I actually tend to feel nauseous if/when I do end up doing anything vaguely masturbatory. Plus I just generally feel like I have a lot of anxiety regarding sex? Like - ok, full disclosure because this is something I've been uncomfortable with my whole life but apparently it's fairly normal - my 'go-to' masturbation method (and it grosses me out to even think that I technically have a go-to) is pressing against my lower abdomen, which apparently pushes your bladder against the G-spot, stimulating it and setting off the nerves or whatever. Which, unfortunately, means that I now associate the sensation of needing to pee with sexual activity (which is also apparently more common than I thought, so at least there's that). And, because the universe hates me, I happen to have an overactive bladder and pretty much constantly feel like I need to pee - which then brings up the associations with sex, which causes anxiety, shame, and panic.

And I don't even know that I'm entirely averse to having sex? Like, for the most part it sounds pretty gross - you expel waste from those areas??? and people just go???? shoving them together and stuff??? that seems really unhygienic?????????????? - and one thing I'm almost certain I'm not interested in is any kind of penetration (which causes the most anxiety for me, to the point where I literally could not use tampons because the thought of sticking something up there was so uncomfortable and also just kind of physically impossible for a while), and I honestly don't think I'd be super interested in doing anything to anyone else (again, that area is gross) but I'm also vaguely intrigued by the thought of being eaten out or whatever (even though, again, my immediate reaction is 'ew', but something about the thought of what it might feel like is appealing)? And even though I do experience quite a bit of shame and discomfort due to shame while masturbating, not to mention the nausea that follows, I do kinda like the way it feels? Plus, I'm pretty sure I've never actually had an orgasm, and I am kinda curious about what it's like and if it's everything it's cracked up to be.

So it's not like I'm entirely opposed to at least exploring it, but the thought of it just causes so much anxiety and distress that I'm worried it's an actual Problem? Especially because sometimes it makes me anxious about physical contact in general? Idk, can someone please advise? Or at least reassure me that I'm not some kind of weird freak, because tbh that's what it feels like

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In some cases I feel very similarly

29 minutes ago, MaryPenelope said:

And I don't even know that I'm entirely averse to having sex? Like, for the most part it sounds pretty gross - you expel waste from those areas??? and people just go???? shoving them together and stuff??? that seems really unhygienic??????????????

I find it very unhygienic as well. Like, why would you do that? Just- Don't. Please. 

 

And I would say that even though some may call it a problem or say that there's something wrong with you, don't listen to them. Don't stress about it, take your time. Maybe one day we will change our mind, or maybe we won't but that is okay. It is our life and we can do with it whatever we want :) 

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MaryPenelope
27 minutes ago, Halley86 said:

In some cases I feel very similarly

I find it very unhygienic as well. Like, why would you do that? Just- Don't. Please. 

 

And I would say that even though some may call it a problem or say that there's something wrong with you, don't listen to them. Don't stress about it, take your time. Maybe one day we will change our mind, or maybe we won't but that is okay. It is our life and we can do with it whatever we want :) 

The thing is that due to how hyper sexual our society is, I can't help but be reminded of the Everything pretty much all the time - which, again, leads to stress and anxiety and stuff.

Like, I would love not to think about this stuff! There are far more interesting things for my brain to fixate on - like my fandoms, and the weirdness of space and the world at large, or even my latest knitting project! But instead I'm just stuck with this near-constant spiral of confusion and internal screaming. It's the Worst.

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See? That's the way! Fuck everyone, if they want to be horny rabbits, let them be. You are not and that's okay, so like... just ignore them, don't stress yourself :)))

Whenever I feel stressed out, I play this "game" I saw on SKAM. It's called Minute for minute and it's basically that the only thing you worry about is the next minute :) it helps me to calm down :) 

Fandoms and hobbies are also great way how to chill! I never learned how to knit, my grandma tried to teach me, but she gave up already :D 

well, anyway, if you need anything, or just want to talk, you can always text me :) and don't worry, everything will work out somehow!

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everywhere and nowhere
27 minutes ago, PanFicto. said:

I think the OP wants to do the opposite of that, lol.

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I'mTheDecoy

Because of the lack of education and visibility around asexuality and the allonormativity and hyper-sexualised nature of the media and society in general, I think that an asexual person during their development and before they learn that they are asexual can become sex-negative out of a reaction to the pressure and confusion. At least, I think that is what happened to me and now that I know I am asexual I am trying to be more sex-neutral.

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Some Call Me Tim

MaryPenelope, you may want to find a therapist, someone who will help you through this process.  For what it's worth, I say this as someone who is in the process of becoming a therapist. 

There's nothing wrong with you.  You are, however, clearly suffering from a good deal of anxiety, distress, and confusion.  That's what therapy is for.  A good therapist will not try to fix you or cure you: you aren't broken or sick; you just are in the middle of a hard situation that is causing a lot of anxiety, distress, and confusion.

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MaryPenelope
6 hours ago, Some Call Me Tim said:

MaryPenelope, you may want to find a therapist, someone who will help you through this process.  For what it's worth, I say this as someone who is in the process of becoming a therapist. 

There's nothing wrong with you.  You are, however, clearly suffering from a good deal of anxiety, distress, and confusion.  That's what therapy is for.  A good therapist will not try to fix you or cure you: you aren't broken or sick; you just are in the middle of a hard situation that is causing a lot of anxiety, distress, and confusion.

I do have both a psychologist and a psychiatrist, but talking about this stuff is just so hard and embarrassing... I know I probably should discuss it with them more, but dhbdyjcaeuh

Also tbh although they're not dicks about it or anything, neither of them really get the whole asexual thing, which makes it even harder to talk about. And since I have them through a free program and don't have the money to pay for that sort of thing, I can't really go and find someone more familiar with it. 

Ugh, life is just hard.

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MaryPenelope
6 hours ago, I'mTheDecoy said:

Because of the lack of education and visibility around asexuality and the allonormativity and hyper-sexualised nature of the media and society in general, I think that an asexual person during their development and before they learn that they are asexual can become sex-negative out of a reaction to the pressure and confusion. At least, I think that is what happened to me and now that I know I am asexual I am trying to be more sex-neutral.

I feel that. My automatic, knee jerk reaction to anything remotely sexual is disgust, but I know objectively that there's nothing wrong with sex and its perfectly natural. It's a bit of a struggle to balance my personal discomfort with trying not to contribute to the culture of shame our society has developed (especially around queer sex). Honestly, the culture of shame is likely partially responsible for my anxiety and all that over this stuff.

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Some Call Me Tim
14 minutes ago, MaryPenelope said:

I do have both a psychologist and a psychiatrist, but talking about this stuff is just so hard and embarrassing... I know I probably should discuss it with them more, but dhbdyjcaeuh

Also tbh although they're not dicks about it or anything, neither of them really get the whole asexual thing, which makes it even harder to talk about. And since I have them through a free program and don't have the money to pay for that sort of thing, I can't really go and find someone more familiar with it. 

Ugh, life is just hard.

I totally understand.  I myself resist talking to therapists in my area for the same reason.

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