some questions about asexuality

[maddiee]

hi guys!

i am still new to the whole concept of asexuality and am really trying to figure out if it fits me. the more i read about it the more confused i get really. here are a couple of questions i have:

 

1. i see that a lot of people on here are not attracted to anyone in anyway, but to my understanding, having crushes on people doesn’t affect asexuality correct? personally i have always been attracted to guys romantically. i like guys for their appearance and personality but not in a way where i want to do anything physically. so i am able to relate to my friends if we talk about cute guys (as i have seen that many aces are not) but the idea of anything sexual grosses me out. 

 

2. can asexuality also affect ones ability to show affection in a relationship? i’m only asking because when i was in a relationship i kinda hated affection and didn’t know why. i’m trying to figure out if this could of been a sign of my asexuality. for example, i found kissing my boyfriend kinda gross and would just kinda wait for it to be over. as time went i kinda got used to it, but i could still take it or leave it. my boyfriend also would get so mad because he felt like we weren’t even dating because i was “never affectionate” but that was mostly because i didn’t feel like showing affection was a big deal and it made me uncomfortable. i feel like me being ace would make me not being affectionate make sense but this could also just be a me thing i guess. 

 

3. this next question is gonna sound so weird but like how do i know if i have experienced sexual attraction if i don’t know what it’s supposed to be like (i might have answered my own question). i’m wracking my brain trying to trace back to any time that i might have experienced it but anytime i come up with a possible scenario i literally have no clue if it could even be considered sexual attraction or not. i feel like i would know if i did but honestly i’m not even sure anymore. 

 

4. and lastly, is there a difference between being asexual and just being grossed out by sex? i know that a lot of asexuals aren’t grossed out by sex but i personally am. i’m not sure if this fact alone would classify me as asexual or if i’m completely missing the point. 

[Galactic Turtle]

Just going to answer your questions from the POV of my own experiences. I'm aro ace, for reference.

 

10 minutes ago, maddiee said:

1. i see that a lot of people on here are not attracted to anyone in anyway, but to my understanding, having crushes on people doesn’t affect asexuality correct? personally i have always been attracted to guys romantically. i like guys for their appearance and personality but not in a way where i want to do anything physically. so i am able to relate to my friends if we talk about cute guys (as i have seen that many aces are not) but the idea of anything sexual grosses me out. 

I have eyes. There are shoes I like and shoes I think are hideous. There are cars I like and cars I think are hideous. There are faces I like and faces I think are hideous. Do I get any particular urge to interact with people who have nice faces? No. It's just an observation.

 

12 minutes ago, maddiee said:

2. can asexuality also affect ones ability to show affection in a relationship? i’m only asking because when i was in a relationship i kinda hated affection and didn’t know why. i’m trying to figure out if this could of been a sign of my asexuality. for example, i found kissing my boyfriend kinda gross and would just kinda wait for it to be over. as time went i kinda got used to it, but i could still take it or leave it. my boyfriend also would get so mad because he felt like we weren’t even dating because i was “never affectionate” but that was mostly because i didn’t feel like showing affection was a big deal and it made me uncomfortable. i feel like me being ace would make me not being affectionate make sense but this could also just be a me thing i guess. 

There are people who are very touchy-feely and those who are not. It is not my impression that asexuality has anything to do with this. More like... a personality trait or personal preference.

 

13 minutes ago, maddiee said:

3. this next question is gonna sound so weird but like how do i know if i have experienced sexual attraction if i don’t know what it’s supposed to be like (i might have answered my own question). i’m wracking my brain trying to trace back to any time that i might have experienced it but anytime i come up with a possible scenario i literally have no clue if it could even be considered sexual attraction or not. i feel like i would know if i did but honestly i’m not even sure anymore. 

Being drawn to someone in a way that includes genitalia or other erogenous zones is usually the giveaway I believe.

 

14 minutes ago, maddiee said:

4. and lastly, is there a difference between being asexual and just being grossed out by sex? i know that a lot of asexuals aren’t grossed out by sex but i personally am. i’m not sure if this fact alone would classify me as asexual or if i’m completely missing the point. 

Asexual people don't experience sexual attraction. People being grossed out by sex typically think rubbing together swollen bits that ooze bodily fluids is objectively unappealing. Can't blame 'em for that. Of course that could all get put on the back burner when they themselves are experiencing sexual attraction to a greater or lesser degree.

[maddiee]

 

5 minutes ago, Galactic Turtle said:

Just going to answer your questions from the POV of my own experiences. I'm aro ace, for reference.

 

I have eyes. There are shoes I like and shoes I think are hideous. There are cars I like and cars I think are hideous. There are faces I like and faces I think are hideous. Do I get any particular urge to interact with people who have nice faces? No. It's just an observation.

 

There are people who are very touchy-feely and those who are not. It is not my impression that asexuality has anything to do with this. More like... a personality trait or personal preference.

 

Being drawn to someone in a way that includes genitalia or other erogenous zones is usually the giveaway I believe.

 

Asexual people don't experience sexual attraction. People being grossed out by sex typically think rubbing together swollen bits that ooze bodily fluids is objectively unappealing. Can't blame 'em for that. Of course that could all get put on the back burner when they themselves are experiencing sexual attraction to a greater or lesser degree.

it took me a bit to figure out how to reply to someone lol but your response was very helpful thank you!! 

[Just a Quail]

Something I want to add to the response above is that there are names for different types of attraction. There's sexual attraction, obviously, but there's also romantic attraction, and aesthetic attraction. So, like the user above said, you can have a crush on someone or be attracted to their appearance without there being sexual attraction present. It's a common experience for aces to be attracted to others in different ways, which is why we have specific names for all kinds of attraction. I hope this helps!

[Guest]

3 hours ago, maddiee said:

this next question is gonna sound so weird but like how do i know if i have experienced sexual attraction if i don’t know what it’s supposed to be like (i might have answered my own question). i’m wracking my brain trying to trace back to any time that i might have experienced it but anytime i come up with a possible scenario i literally have no clue if it could even be considered sexual attraction or not. i feel like i would know if i did but honestly i’m not even sure anymore. 

It's a desire you feel to like, actually have sex with another person. It's beyond arousal (I've felt it when not aroused) but you're like, hungry for them in a way. You really want them.

 

AVEN itself (in the General FAQ) defines sexual attraction as "the desire for sexual contact with someone else" and that's really what it comes down to at the end of the day: an innate desire to connect on a sexual level with someone else.

[Janus the Fox]

Romance can be treated as a separate part of the orientation or its own orientation if one feels the need to do so.  Our Romantic and Aromantic Orientations Forum has a lot of information, examples and discussions on this area.