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isabelle123

I did hurt my boyfriend's ego

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isabelle123

Hello my name is Isabelle,

 

So Im a beautician and my bf is an ex military and a bit macho.I am asexual in the sense I don't give a lot of importance of sex. In the beggining of our relationship, I did struggle to make him accept it but now I guess it's ok.

 We are a couple since 6 years now.

 

Exept that everything is great but with daily things to do, my yoga… I struggle to get some time with him To fix that, we did decide to make some sport together. One month before the virus… What was the more complicated was to find a sport that can fit for both of us. I wanted salsa or a dance sport (im an ex ballerina) but he refuses, he wants tennis but i hate racket sport… So finally after hours of search and discussion he proposed me judo. I first refuse it but because I see we were blocked I said ok let’s try it…

 

Finally, after 5 lessons, we both had fun going there. I had the feeling to improve and feel really good practicing. We were on the same club, same training but we had our partner for the “fight part” in the end of the lesson. With the virus, we can’t go anymore, so a few days ago, he asked me to practice at home. We used a mat for safety and worked on the moves as in training. After one hour he challenged me in a friendly match, like for the normal session “if I dare” and he’ll show me “who’s the boss, it’s not like dancing or yoga things…”.

It was the first time we have a match together. Well, I am a bit taller and i practiced ballerina during years and yoga 3 times per week but he outweight me and he is an ex military so im not too much confident.. but ok let’s try it!

We hang each other kimono and turn around. I quickly noticed the previous exercices tired him more than me. I pull his sleeve, to the left, to the right, I straighten my leg out and fall on him to the ground. He struggle to escape but I pin him and count to 5 (we need to pin the opponent 5 sec to win). His face was all red and while he get up. I don’t know wich one of us wer the more surprised. I can’t hide myself from smiling.

 

Now he seems really focus and we start again. I still smile while he seems really serious. I pull his kimono again and got him the exact same way. On the ground I quickly wrapped my arms around his head and I block his legs with my feet. I had a good grip he can't move so i count to 5 and win… Before I release himI whisper on his ear “ouch your ballerina got you badly this time, where is the tough soldier now?” and I kissed him in his cheek. I get up (and dance a bit to celebrate i confess) and prepare for the 3rd round but he said he didnt want anymore

 

Later I struggled not to have a strange silence that can sometimes happen. He says nothing and I make a monologue about housework. It seems that he doesn’t want to do judo anymore. I laugh a bit at first, asking him if it’s because I beat him, but he answers me aggressively that no, he just thinks it’s a waste of time.

I haven’t talked to him about it, but he looks different like he’s worried about something, like something is broken. I don’t know. He’s cold with me, never laughs, and seems even a bit depressed.

I didn’t want to hurt him, and now I don’t know how I can fix things. Atmosphere is now complicated with the quarantaine….

Please help

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Nowhere Girl

I can't help but feel a sense of triumph - per procura, through you beating him, over to all the guys who believe that women are oh so weak and helpless and predestinated to serve them...

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SithEmpress

Seems like he has a fragile masculinity. Not sure how to help since I wouldn't be with someone who was that fragile. Like, he's the one who challenged you and was downplaying stuff like ballet (which is hardcore) and yoga. 

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Nowhere Girl
17 minutes ago, SithEmpress said:

Seems like he has a fragile masculinity.

Typical. Guys consider themselves so tough, but whenever someone or something challenges their toughness, they are immediately miserable and offended.

I'm really happy not to be a guy and not to be interested in any relationships with guys.

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isabelle123

Hi,

 

well honestly, I was very surprised by his reaction and how he is finally fragile... I thought he would be proud of me to be able to take him down... :(

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Perspektiv

You did mention is he is macho. This comes with the territory. You likely crushed his ego.

 

If he is truly macho and you had done this in front of his friends, he would be tormented for it, for the rest of his existence, right down to them buying him girl outfits for himself to drill the point into his head. His manhood has been revoked.

 

This of course, is going by you calling him macho. This is a stereotypical thing. His reaction isn't surprising to me, as a result.

 

He gave it his all, and you crushed his fragile ego, and then added insult to injury by questioning him as a man (I'm putting you in his mind, with what you whispered in his ear about questioning his will and toughness as a soldier). If he's macho, he is insanely proud of his toughness. He likely took your comment to heart, as a result.

 

You've essentially uncovered one of his stereotypical insecurities. Why so many can't even bend their wrists hanging their hands out of a car (slack wrists are too effeminate). Also why so many fear showing any soft emotions.

 

How you address is, boils down to whether you want to continue with him knowing this weakness or not.

 

If you do, then it would be communicating you were just joking and making it clear you had no intentions of hurting him. This is the hard part--you apologizing for it. Swallowing your ego, to make it right knowing his weakness.

 

Or, you essentially tell him to toughen up, via making it clear it was a joke, and not your fault he can take one, and make it clear you beat him fair and square.

 

Unfortunately fixing this, is you taking one for the team. Those are your options. Take one for the team, or be right (which you are, by the way--he's the one who is poorly reacting). You can't have both.

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Perspektiv

Keep in mind, you would only be apologizing for the comments that did the damage. You beating him, you should continue to snicker about, but inside your head. 

 

There is no way you should be "taking it easy" when competing. 

 

Just be a little better of a sport on a downed opponent, next time. 

 

I have been humiliated by women in sports before. 

 

One of my cousins was humiliating OHL bound hockey players as a youth.

 

No matter how hard I tried. She was way too shifty, and strong on her skates. He stick handling and puck protection skills was insane, too. I just accepted I wasn't as good (or even in the same planet skill wise) and just tried to contain her by respecting her by skill giving her a little more space. Using my patience vs my aggression. 

 

I wound up actually competing with her after the switch. 

 

A lot of guys she would beat, could not make the switch as it was accepting they were being beat by a woman. A much smaller woman, to boot. 

 

So it was ego crushing. One thing about her, is she would give a subtle fist bump and tell them good game. Help a downed opponent up. 

 

The humility made you accept it. You would just hear them tell her she was very good. Tell her that it was too bad she had reached her hockey twilight as a woman as she was running out if people who matched her skill to play with. So she played with guys as they gave her a challenge. 

 

Moral of the story? Dont be shy. Beat him. Don't take your foot off the gas pedal. Just be mindful of his ego when you beat him again. I put the when there deliberately. 

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Bio 7
3 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said:

Typical. Guys consider themselves so tough, but whenever someone or something challenges their toughness, they are immediately miserable and offended.

I'm really happy not to be a guy and not to be interested in any relationships with guys.

I’m glad I’m not surrounded by those kinds of people that would piss me off constantly. There’s far too much jealousy and insecurity in the world that doesn’t need to exist when some people have real issues to worry about.

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DemiDummy

I would say that his fragile ego is his problem, not yours. It does sound like both of you are quite competitive though, so I would hesitate to pursue competitive activities with him if it brings out the worst in both of you. Could you find co-op activities where you work together instead?

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Eutierria
6 hours ago, isabelle123 said:

he proposed me judo. I first refuse it but because I see we were blocked I said ok let’s try it…

You beat him at something he'd chosen = bruised ego / drop in self-esteem. 

 

6 hours ago, isabelle123 said:

“if I dare” and he’ll show me “who’s the boss, it’s not like dancing or yoga things…”.

Depends how this is said & intention behind it - seems like it would play into the fragile ego. 

 

6 hours ago, isabelle123 said:

I get up (and dance a bit to celebrate i confess) and prepare for the 3rd round but he said he didnt want anymore

Well done for not "losing on purpose". 

 

6 hours ago, isabelle123 said:

Later I struggled not to have a strange silence that can sometimes happen.

Hope it's not the case of 'the bigger the ego, the longer the sulk'. 

 

6 hours ago, isabelle123 said:

haven’t talked to him about it, but he looks different like he’s worried about something, like something is broken. I don’t know. He’s cold with me, never laughs, and seems even a bit depressed.

You've said he's ex-military. There might be something there. Perhaps that interaction brought up some memories or beliefs for him & he's still processing. 

 

6 hours ago, isabelle123 said:

don’t know how I can fix things

Do not treat him like a project. If there is anything that needs to be fixed, he needs to remedy this & be an active participant. You cannot "walk on eggshells" forever. 

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Philip027

Dude's having a melty from challenging and then subsequently getting beat by a girl, presumably.

 

I say, tough.  He embodies the "macho" traits that left me feeling unable to relate to male peers ever since adolescence, and I have no problem whatsoever with seeing these people getting taken down a few pegs.

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Alejandrogynous

Doesn't sound like his bruised ego is something for you to fix, to be honest. You weren't mean about beating him, just playful after he already smack-talked you about your ballet and yoga first, so if he took that as a hit to his masculinity, that's his problem. Don't dish it if you can't take it, it's not your fault he assumed he'd beat you and got knocked down a peg.


If you really want to fix it and don't care that he's sulking like a child, maybe ask him to show you some more moves or something so he feels like he gets to "teach" you, placing his ego back in a place of superiority, but I personally have no patience for boys who are so fragile that they can't take a friendly loss from a girl. I say let him pout till he gets the hell over it.

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Perspektiv

If you're not losing who you are being with him, is this truly worth losing him over?

 

Personally I would apologize for the army comment (that slightly went from playful banter to where things likely went awkward for you two), but still would rib him on beating him. If he can't take playful banter of any form....yikes. 

 

If you stand firm and are willing to lose him to make a point, just be aware that a macho guy won't swallow their pride once you have severely damaged it.

 

You are best making it right and talking about it with cooler heads. Again. You also shouldn't be relinquishing who you are. If you apologize and he just outright shits on you, then you know better next time. 

 

This isn't a feminism vs masculinity thing. It boils down to whether you want to be right, or make things right. 

 

In a relationship, you will both need to take one for the team at times. 

 

I love my fiancee so have done something for her I rarely do for others. Have fully swallowed my pride and humbled myself. So even if am right on something. I have still reached out with humility, and made things right. She has done the same at times of conflict which is why its second nature to me to just quelsh any disagreement we are having vs letting it fester. Much easier to communicate your stances then. 

 

In my opinion, the army comment is the only thing that belongs on the negotiation table. Anything else, he should live with. He just got beat by a better foe. 

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Alejandrogynous

 

49 minutes ago, Perspektiv said:

It boils down to whether you want to be right, or make things right. 

It's true, in a relationship open communication and the willingness to apologize for hurting your partner when you didn't mean to or even when you don't think you're wrong, is important. But I don't like the implication that her teasing about the army was too far but his remarks on her dance and yoga was still just playful banter? Her comment was in direct response to his so if he can playfully challenge, so can she. If she wants to have a cool-headed talk about it, that's great and mature, but it should be about where both of them went wrong, not just her apologizing because his panties got twisted and hers didn't.

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Eutierria
2 hours ago, Perspektiv said:

talking about it with cooler heads.

Hope you've both had the opportunity or will soon, Isabelle. 

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Perspektiv
1 hour ago, Alejandrogynous said:

Her comment was in direct response to his so if he can playfully challenge, so can she. 

This is a relationship. Not a competition. This means compromise. 

 

So you can fight tit for tat, or acknowledge it wasn't your intent to hurt him. Taking one for the team. She knows exactly where things soured. 

 

The compromise in admitting you hurt your partner, without needing to apologize for what you said. You clearly are sorry for the result.

 

Again. You can choose to be right at all costs, or choose to be happy together. You can't have both. This is where the importance of compromise sets in. 

 

This doesn't absolve him of compromise here. This covers both. 

 

Such a small issue creating such an impasse, may also mean maybe macho men aren't for her.

 

King sized egos, and pride are typical. 

As are fragile egos. 

 

The issue is microscopic, but the pride and ego clash is immense. 

 

It would be like my fiancee supporting a tyrannical politician and me disagreeing with what he does. 

 

I can fight her until blue in the face, or accept or try to understand why she loves him and let her know I don't agree with his policies and drop the issue of my disapproval. This is not worth our relationship (or our health).  

 

Picking one's battles wisely, is vital to relationship health. Instead of bickering, we tried to find common ground so both opened their minds. 

 

I have had my pride damaged by my fiancee but she is a very strong woman. She will put me in my place and I respect that. I may not like it, but if she is doing something I don't like I will tell her, too. I expect no different from her. Its give and take. Tit for tat, will keep you single. 

 

I have also hurt her pride in my delivery once. I knew I was right and could hold off for weeks until she gives in and bows down to me being right but I sort of value the relationship over my pride and ego. 

 

I apologized for my delivery, made it clear I wasn't trying to hurt her but that I didn't appreciate (insert what was done that bothered me). No issue for me if my timing, wording or just anything was off creating conflict (to apologize for it). 

 

If I don't take that stance we are at an impasse. Me apologizing and humbling myself has her apologizing for what she did. I took the lead because my actions led to her being hurt. Not the other way around. 

 

Semantics are useless. 

 

If he doesn't accept what he did wrong after her taking the lead, then it's an ego thing for him vs him being hurt by what he said. Run. 

 

Both should compromise but one should always take that lead and  no, it shouldn't always be the same person. 

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