Feelings after coming out to yourself

[Guest]

How did you feel when you came out to yourself as ace. Relieved? Sad? Excited? None of the above?

 

This might sounds like internalized acephobia so TW.

 

I thought that coming out to myself would make me feel better but I am more depressed than ever. I cried all day today, not tears of joy but tears of sadness, hopelessness and despair. Then I second-guessed myself again as I always do. Like something didn't quite fit. On some days I'm like "Oh yeah I'm definitely ace." On other days I'm like "Nahhhh." I figured telling myself who I am might make me feel better but idk it didn't. I go through a cycle of coming out to myself and then taking it back. Maybe I am not ready to come out to myself yet.

 

Anywho... I'd like to know how asexuals typically feel after realizing they are ace and coming out to themselves.

 

[aspecofstardust]

People have told me stories of having all of those different feelings while figuring out their identity. There is no one universal experience. For me, it was really exciting to figure out my identity because they felt like the fit right right away. But for a few years I would have really sad days (especially after watching a romcom or something like that) because I didn't think people would understand me and I didn't think I would be happy as an adult. It wasn't until I started figuring out what I wanted my future to look like, outside of the expectations of hetero/allo/amatonormative society, that I started feeling more happy and optimistic about my identity.

[smh]

i kind of understand where you're coming from. when i first came out to myself i was mostly relieved for figuring out that i'm not alone in society for not wanting a "normal" thing. there are times where i sit at night and i would feel sad because i feel like people won't understand my perspective and i would end up alone, but that typically doesn't last very long. 

so, in short, there are times that i feel so alone/i will be alone, and there are other times where i feel happy that i know that i'm not alone

fyi: i came out to myself about 2 months ago, and am still having some problems with completely accepting it, so it might take a little while (not to discourage you, but to give you the whole truth)

Edited May 23, 2020 by smh

[AceMissBehaving]

It can be a hard thing. For me it was positive, but I had a lot of pain leading up to the realization.

 

For me it was a relief, because I had previously settled on myself as a “broken freak who is either incapable of love, or blanking out some kind of trauma”. After that asexual was a much easier pill to swallow.

 

I think sadness can be a very natural reaction. Being asexual isn’t always the easiest thing, but understanding it means a better shot at a future that will make you happy.

 

What I’ve learned since coming out is a lot more people than you think will get it, love you for it, and accept and welcome your perspective when it’s offered. 

[Guest]

What made you decide you are ace now after all that stress of thinking you might not be ace? And you know if it stresses you out to that extent, you don't need to ID as ace to yourself or anyone else! 

 

(I'm having this same issue with someone I know on FB, they're super upset over the label they have decided on but keep deciding on a new label every few days!! I just wish I could say to them "let it go, the label doesn't even matter" but they don't care, they'd rather be stressed and miserable it seems!!! I also suggested pomosexual to them like I did for you, but they said they'd rather have a more specific label even if that label doesn't really fit them 😕 I'd rather just not have a label!!!)

[maddiee]

i cant really answer your question because i haven’t even come out to myself yet but i wanted to let you know you aren’t alone in how you’re feeling. i have recently started to come to terms with that i might be ace and it has made me kinda spiral. i cry a lot too and not because there is anything wrong with being ace but just because accepting my sexuality has been a hard thing for me to do. i have the same cycle of questioning where i think that i’m definitely ace and then immediately flip to where i think i’m not. i’m honestly still not sure, committing to the label kinda terrifies me. i think the best thing for both of us is to give it time. but please don’t be hard on yourself for maybe not having it all figured out, because one day you will. i wish you the best of luck<3

[Janus the Fox]

Feeling content and relieved it’s something that’s normal

[Just a Quail]

At first it was mostly feelings of relief and happiness- I finally felt like I understood myself, and I was glad to know that I wasn't alone in my experience. But as time has passed I've also felt upset and hopeless. Several weeks ago, I had a small moment where my friend got very curious about a question I asked her, and I panicked at the thought of her finding out I was ace. My panic didn't exactly come from the idea of coming out, but from the implications of it- having someone else know suddenly made my sexuality tangible, and could impact my current and future relationships with people. I felt upset and scared at the possibility of being forever alone. In hindsight my reaction was irrational, but it still part of my ace experience. So, in short, there's been ups and downs. But despite that, I still feel like using the ace label is most true to myself, so I do my best to ride out my low points.

[A-Panda]

I was extremely relieved, to the point of tears and shaky hands when I first admitted it to myself and dared to joined an online community for it. I believe this strong reaction was due to me suspecting that there was something intrinsically wrong with me, especially after my last relationship and things my then-partner had said to me. And then I found that there are other people out there who have similar experiences and aren't sick or broken.

This doesn't mean there isn't any apprehension left and I'm completely "one with myself" about the topic. I haven't told anyone in real life about being ace yet, and I'm quite nervous and slightly anxious because of that.

[JustSomeAce]

When I began to realize that I'm ace I was really scared of not being tge "norm" and kinda pushed it away at first.

But after doing more research on the subject I began to feel proud of my (a)sexuality and I still am. Although there are also times were I doubt myself and become insecure about myself again... mostly when I hear about acephobia-stories or when I experience it myself.

[autumnlao]

At first I was happy, because I had a way to describe how I felt. But then I was thinking about coming out to my family and it made me start doubting myself. I keep trying to find a label that really fits me because I worry about coming out and then realizing that I'm not actually ace. Some days I go through a cycle, like what you were saying, and I decide I was wrong, but then I feel like it fits again. I'm a little worried still about coming out, and I don't plan to anytime soon.

[Satan]

I was indifferent, even when in doubt I just pay no mind. Being asexual means not having to give a shit about love drama.

 

You dont have to have everything figured out right now. Just live life. Listen to your favorite songs. Appreciate the beauty in this world, like blossoming flowers, good food and cute cats. Chill out!

[JustSomeAce]

12 minutes ago, Satan said:

Being asexual means not having to give a shit about love drama.

Yeah, this is our superpower!

 

[Enim]

I completely understand the feeling of having to come out to yourself over and over, and the feeling of sadness too. For the first thing I found out that for me the main problem was society's expectations: for years I kept trying to "convince" myself I could be interested in people just by looking at them and refusing to accept no as an answer from myself. A lot of dialogues like "I definitely would be interested in them if I wasn't demi", "I don't like imagining myself romantically with this person, but what if I change the setting? What if I try again?". I don't know if it's the same for you of course, but for me the main thing I needed was to believe myself and trust the fact that I knew what was best for me. It's still a work in progress, it's been like 7 years since I found out about the ace spectrum and I still find myself questioning my feelings (or lack of), or doing things I don't really want to do because I intentionally try to ignore what feels right to me. But it gets better, 100%, and I'm slowly but steadily starting to listen to myself more and more. 

 

For the feeling of sadness, I get it. When I found out there was a word to describe the way I felt I was super happy for about a week, just to then have two weeks of questions about the future and scary toughts about not being able to live the way society expects me to, the way I always dreamt of living. Since then I sometimes get waves of sadness regarding my sexuality, mainly when something bad happens (like a friend that says they like me, small things that bother me but not my allo friends, generally feeling different, stuff like that) or when I get in a romantic mood (like watching a romatic movie, reading fanfictions about characters being happy together, etc. etc.). But they eventually pass, especially with the help of friends who let me vent, and it also helps reminding yourself that you're not alone! If you feel a certain way there's always someone else who feels just like you, these forums especially are really helpful to remind ourselves of this.

 

Stay strong! Accepting yourself is always a journey, but it gets better, and it usually gets easier too with the help of others ^^

[Purple Red Panda]

Relieved and happy. I feel that I'm getting to know who I am and  it makes a lot of my past make sense to me. I have a libido but don't have the desire to exercise it with another person, so I've basically gone through my life thinking that I must be either frigid or in some way sexually disfunctional. I could never square the circle of getting turned on by say sexual fantasies or images but not having the desire to actually participate in sexual activity with another person. 

 

The sense of alienation and shame that I've long felt are starting to drain away and I know it is a cliche but I feel like a massive weight has been lifted off me. I'm starting to feel confortable with who I am in terms of my sexuality and who I am as a person. I still feel  confused about some things but they now seem quite minor. Where I actually fit on the asexuality spectrum doesn't strike me as a big deal, if I feel I'm asexual now but later find out I'm grey or demi then that's great, I'll have learnt something new about myself, but right now I'm happy enjoying some much needed inner peace 💜

 

@LibraGirl I'm sorry you're struggling at the moment and I truly hope you find the answers that your looking for. It's really brave of you to come on here and just say that today you are not ok💜💜

[Emerson the Tortoise]

All of your feelings are valid @LibraGirl and it is up to you whether you put a label on it or just define yourself as being you. Do whatever makes you feel the happiest and most comfortable.

 

For me personally I had a long road to figuring out I was asexual, mostly because it was never presented to me as an option and then a lot of the misinformation out there about Asexuality. I used to think I was just weird not wanting to be kissed or touched by anyone and finding no one at my large university attractive enough to want to have sex with them. When I finally figured it out I and accepted it I did feel relief as I realized that I was not alone out there and I was even able to meet some other people who identified as asexual as well. I am still not 100% comfortable with it as I have a lot of fear coming out to my family about who I am, but it helped that I did have friends who I could tell and have their acceptance.
 

It is ok to not know and to not be sure everyone’s journey is different and things can change over time as you learn more about yourself like @Purple Red Panda said.

[KosKat]

When I found out about asexuality - or, more precisely, demisexuality, as it was my first touchstone - I felt like I'd been hit with a freight train. Like, literally. It explained so. much: how I've never been interested in sex, how I find every romantic subplot in every piece of media to be contrived or baffling. 

 

Notice I didn't say being hit by a freight train felt relieving. Because, while being ace made perfect sense for me, it was a huge thing to realize in my early twenties: I was long out of high school; I was several years out of college. And while it was a very easy thing to accept to myself internally... coming out to anybody else except a very close friend has not happened.

[Low End Things]

On 5/23/2020 at 1:45 AM, AceMissBehaving said:

For me it was a relief, because I had previously settled on myself as a “broken freak who is either incapable of love, or blanking out some kind of trauma”. After that asexual was a much easier pill to swallow.

This was my exact same situation! I figured I had already gone the first 28 years of my life not being able to connect with anyone in that way, so what's another 28? Or more?

 

Accepting myself felt at the same time perfectly logical and entirely inconceivable; I'm thinking that this truly feels right, but when it comes to sex no one feels nothing, right? But it is what it is.

[Verb]

Free. Really, really....free. 

 

It was as if I'd spent my life with my back pressed up against the wall, while all around me shadowy, uncertain somethings closed in. And then I found out about asexuality, and it was like someone had told me to look behind me - and I'd found a door in the wall. All those shadowy somethings might still be there, but they seem far away now.

 

Does that mean I never doubt myself? Not at all. I regularly find myself questioning whether or not I'm really ace. I think it's normal to keep soulsearching like that - far better to question than to clamp one's hands over one's ears and stubbornly refuse to face change.

 

8 years later, I'm fairly certain I'll never stop questioning, but that's alright. We change a little each day, and maybe one day in the future I'll find myself in a position where the ace label just doesn't work for me anymore. But I'll only know that if I'm still asking the question.

 

I guess what I'm saying is: don't let the label become your life. All any of us are doing is trying to understand ourselves better, that's all. Coming out as ace doesn't mean you have to be ace forever; not coming out as ace doesn't mean that you can't still be.

 

 

[Jenii]

I'm sorry you felt that way when you came out to yourself. I had the opposite experience. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders!!! I had never heard of the term Asexual or that it was anything so I was so relieved when I found out about it. I always felt like something something was wrong with me and this made me feel more normal and made me realize I wasn't alone, there were more people out there like me. It was a wonderful experience.

[eeyore_fan121]

Honestly the first time I read about asexuality it really resonated with me and I cried a lot. I wanted to reject it. I didn't want to be ace. I just wanted to be normal.

 

But over the years of trying to figure out my identity I'm back at asexuality and I'm accepting it. It makes me feel better that there are other people who feel like me. 

[Madao]

I had quite mixed feelings when I realized I was ace. In the beginning, I was happy to find out something I could finally relate with. I felt I found a name to define a part of myself. But I definitely wasn't loving that part. There was a long time when I just wished that I could experience sexual attraction, so I could fit in. I wished it so bad. Half of that reaction ranged from the fact that I felt that maybe I was asexual because of my trauma. There were even times when I thought that I am saying I am asexual to seek attention. But slowly, I have started to accept myself. There are many days now when I say I am proud that I am ace. But there are days when I still suffer from that internalized acephobia. It's going to take some time for it to go away completely I guess.