super romantic but freaked out by real-life romance?!

[candystorekid]

I've only come to identify as asexual (demisexual, really) within the last year or so. My dating history has been traumatic and unhappy. I feel like I'm one of the most romantic people alive; always daydreaming about love and romance, and I get crushes frequently. I'm very tactile and I love cuddles and kissing and all non-sexual touch.

 

But whenever a guy makes a romantic move on me (asks me out, tells me he thinks i'm attractive, says romantic things) I internally have a meltdown. I freak out completely, I worry that I'l l have to actually do all those romantic (but non-sexual) things I'm always dreaming about and longing for and it upsets me. I end up calling off dates, telling men I'm too messed up to date them, or otherwise distancing myself from people I like and find attractive. 

 

I don't understand how I can be so romantic in my head and be so scared of romance when it happens in my real life. I have a therapist and we're working through my issues together but I wanted to see if anyone here has also experienced this.

[Pin776]

This is exactly how I feel! I'm seeing a guy at the moment and i'm constantly day dreaming about him and romantic situations between us but whenever he makes a romantic gesture towards me a freaked out. it's like my brain is just like nah. Then i act all distant and cagey even though I like him and want a romantic relationship with him.

[clover282]

I'm the same! Unfortunately I haven't ever had a boyfriend (partly because of this). I get crushes so easily, and when I do get crushes I daydream about them a lot. I imagine what it would be like if we were together and all that. But anytime a guy shows interest in me, I start worrying and I freak out. I always just blamed it on my insecurities, maybe I just worry if they get too close to me they might realize I'm not actually that great? Idk but it's annoying.

[candystorekid]

Omg, I'm so relieved to know I'm not the only one who experiences this! Though I'm sorry you're all going through it too, as it's so confusing and uncomfortable.

 

Moonman I think your advice of taking things slow is a really good idea. What I've often found, though, is that guys in general are not particularly keen on taking things slow and often take my standoffishness and nerves for disinterest and give up/move on. I've been told I give 'major fuck off vibes' and I don't know how not to do that when I actually do like someone!

 

I'm working on slowly taking my defences down but I'm heartened to know that I'm not alone in experiencing this. I think our culture often makes romance seem straightforward (no pun intended) and easy without any messy contradictions like this. I can't think of a representation in culture of someone who likes someone romantically and really wants to be in a relationship with them but baulks when the opportunity arises. It seems to make no sense.

[Pin776]

Yeah trying to find a a guy that is understanding of asexuality and that is also happy to take things slow really narrows potential options

[candystorekid]

On 5/22/2020 at 9:47 AM, Pin776 said:

Yeah trying to find a a guy that is understanding of asexuality and that is also happy to take things slow really narrows potential options

It really does. Sorry you're struggling with this too.

[TogetherAgain]

This is honestly one of the reasons I'm on this forum, trying to figure out what the heck my identity is. Not that I'm around a lot of guys so much, but I get crushes REALLY easily, whether I actually want to or not. I LOVE the IDEA of romance, inside my head. 

 

But then if someone actually initiates something? I mean, first, I have to actually RECOGNIZE that that's what's happening, because I can't tell the difference between "flirting" and "let's be friends." If I do recognize it, my mental reaction is something like, "Oh, he did that, so I'm supposed to do this," and my emotional reaction is more like, "...meh?" And if I'm actually IN a relationship, I've realized... it's not a good thing for me. My mental health tends to take a nose dive, and I don't necessarily connect it with "being in a relationship" that I start randomly crying at night for no apparent reason. It has taken a LOT of distance and reflection to put two and two together.

 

I have finally come to the conclusion that, at least at THIS point in my life, I don't WANT to be in a relationship, I don't like who I become when I'm IN a relationship, and being in a relationship is not really GOOD for me. And yet, if you introduce me to a guy who's about my age, not unpleasant to look at, and makes polite conversation, I WILL develop a crush and start daydreaming about how nice it would be. And if I go to a wedding, I will end up feeling sad that I expect to be alone my whole life. Both reactions are RIDICULOUSLY AGGRAVATING, because, like... haven't I learned ANYTHING?!? 

 

But then part of me insists that I really can't judge based on the relationships I've had, because really, those were crappy relationships, mostly with guys I shouldn't have been dating, and I just need to find the right guy, right? And like, yes, valid point that those were not relationships I ever had a chance of being happy in just because of who the other person was, but... I'm not convinced that means it would've felt so much better with someone I was more compatible with. 

 

Right... sorry if that was rambly? I'm just starting on this journey, and I am very, very confused.

[DarkStormyKnight]

I have experienced this to some degree as well, and it's also a big ol mess to work through for me as well. I guess what I think should be an important question is: do you actually want to do romantic things with this person? Because you can enjoy platonic cuddles and enjoy the idea of romance without ever getting into a relationship. And if a relationship is something that you do want, then working through it slowly on your own terms with someone who will respect your boundaries is a must. But there's also no real reason to force yourself into this, you don't have to be in a romantic relationship if it freaks you out and makes you panic. You can enjoy romance and daydreaming without ever needing to be in a relationship.

[candystorekid]

On 5/28/2020 at 5:05 AM, TogetherAgain said:

This is honestly one of the reasons I'm on this forum, trying to figure out what the heck my identity is. Not that I'm around a lot of guys so much, but I get crushes REALLY easily, whether I actually want to or not. I LOVE the IDEA of romance, inside my head. 

 

But then if someone actually initiates something? I mean, first, I have to actually RECOGNIZE that that's what's happening, because I can't tell the difference between "flirting" and "let's be friends." If I do recognize it, my mental reaction is something like, "Oh, he did that, so I'm supposed to do this," and my emotional reaction is more like, "...meh?" And if I'm actually IN a relationship, I've realized... it's not a good thing for me. My mental health tends to take a nose dive, and I don't necessarily connect it with "being in a relationship" that I start randomly crying at night for no apparent reason. It has taken a LOT of distance and reflection to put two and two together.

 

I have finally come to the conclusion that, at least at THIS point in my life, I don't WANT to be in a relationship, I don't like who I become when I'm IN a relationship, and being in a relationship is not really GOOD for me. And yet, if you introduce me to a guy who's about my age, not unpleasant to look at, and makes polite conversation, I WILL develop a crush and start daydreaming about how nice it would be. And if I go to a wedding, I will end up feeling sad that I expect to be alone my whole life. Both reactions are RIDICULOUSLY AGGRAVATING, because, like... haven't I learned ANYTHING?!? 

 

But then part of me insists that I really can't judge based on the relationships I've had, because really, those were crappy relationships, mostly with guys I shouldn't have been dating, and I just need to find the right guy, right? And like, yes, valid point that those were not relationships I ever had a chance of being happy in just because of who the other person was, but... I'm not convinced that means it would've felt so much better with someone I was more compatible with. 

 

Right... sorry if that was rambly? I'm just starting on this journey, and I am very, very confused.

Omg, are you me?? Haha! This is literally exactly how I feel! Right down to telling myself that the relationships I've had were just crappy ones and so I just need to find the right guy - this led me to question my asexuality for a long time and tell myself I was just meeting crap guys and that was the problem.

I don't know what the answer is for us. I think the others posting on this thread are right when they say taking it slow with someone who respects our boundaries is the key thing but, putting aside how hard it is to find someone who fits that description, I'm still caught up in trying to figure out if I'm aromantic or not? I'm literally the most romantic, sentimental person who ever lived so it seems totally bizarre to think of myself as aromantic even though I freak out internally and feel very depressed and panicked whenever romance occurs in my life. 

It's just so confusing. I feel like I'll never figure it out.

[TogetherAgain]

1 hour ago, candystorekid said:

I'm literally the most romantic, sentimental person who ever lived so it seems totally bizarre to think of myself as aromantic even though I freak out internally and feel very depressed and panicked whenever romance occurs in my life. 

It's just so confusing. I feel like I'll never figure it out.

EXACTLY!!! Oh my gosh EXACTLY THAT!!! I mean, I've been known to enjoy ROMANCE NOVELS, heck I WRITE both fanfic and original stories that are VERY VERY MUCH BASED IN romance, so how could I POSSIBLY be aromantic?!? 

 

But I've been thinking about it, and as crazy as it sounds and feels and everything else... maybe it ISN'T crazy. I mean, someone who has a deathly fear of heights would (presumably) never choose to become a pilot, but that doesn't mean they won't enjoy books and movies about flying, right? Or, say someone has a fear of being in water. They might still really enjoy someone else's video of a scuba diving trip, because hey, coral reefs are really pretty, and it WOULD be cool to see a fish swim right in front of you, but seeing the images is completely different from actually BEING IN the water.

 

And I don't like that both of those examples are fear-based, because that makes it sound like we're romantic-phobic or something, which I don't think is quite true. It's more like... Oh, I know! I HATE drinking alcohol. It gives me the nastiest heartburn ever, I see absolutely no appeal to being or getting drunk, and I think the vast majority of it tastes terrible. And YET, on a cognitive level, I think alcohol is kind of fascinating. I would love to know more about wine, and I think it would be really cool to learn how to mix drinks. I just don't want to drink any of it myself.

 

So I think it's like that. I think we might just be a couple of bartenders who never want a drink. Or car mechanics who don't own a vehicle. A paradox, maybe, but paradoxes happen.

 

(I feel like that sounds very confident of me. Give it an hour and I'll probably be super confused again.)

[candystorekid]

Hahaha, I appreciate this confidence! Maybe you're right. Maybe we're bartenders who don't want to drink but dream constantly of booze. That seems odd but maybe it's not. It makes me kinda sad but maybe that's just because we don't have a blueprint for how to be like this. How are you supposed to live within such a dichotomy? 

Also, I feel unhappy being this way. I'm a teetotal bartender who is crazily jealous of all the drinkers and imagines she's missing the time of her life being drunk (to extend the metaphor, which I really like!) and can't help but gaze longingly at all the bottles. I'm not happy being this way...which leads me to think that I'm not actually aromatic. If I were I'd probably feel ok with being like this.

 

I think it comes down to trauma for me. I've got hella trust issues so big old alarm bells start ringing for me at the first sign of romance. So bizarre.

Hey, thanks for talking this through with me, it's really helpful

[TogetherAgain]

Thank YOU for talking through this with ME!

 

Gotta admit, I'm kind of excited about the teetotaler bartender metaphor. I'm not always happy being like this either. Most of the time I am pretty content, but on the other hand, I don't get a lot of exposure to anything that would/could lead to a relationship anyway. I really don't have a social life, and all of my jobs are in educational settings (elementary school, tutoring center, that kind of thing). So, other than my own relatives, pretty much all the guys I meet are either (a) spoken for, (b) not interested in women, (c) WAY older than me, or (d) some combination thereof. So... teetotaler bartender who never actually SEES anyone drink? The melancholy/jealousy really only hits me when I'm at a wedding and inevitably think, "Aww, this is so nice, and they're so happy, and.......... I'm never gonna have this, am I?" OR, on the rare occasion I find a guy to crush on, when I inevitably find out he's the aforementioned (a) (b) (c) or (d). If I were around guys all the time, it might be a LOT harder.

 

I do see what you mean about trauma, though. I... honestly I would also describe at least some parts of my dating history as being traumatic, except that I also feel like that's too strong a word for what I've been through, but maybe my therapist would disagree? Keep working with your therapist, too, though. That may also lend some clarity.

[ComingUpAces]

On 5/22/2020 at 12:16 AM, candystorekid said:

I don't understand how I can be so romantic in my head and be so scared of romance when it happens in my real life.

Are your examples of romance in your head about you? Do you see someone performing these “romantic moves” on or with you? Or are you picturing romantic moves between other people? I ask (you don’t have to answer) because there are plenty of things that are romantic, that just may not be YOUR idea of romantic. It can be super romantic for someone to make grand gestures, if the person receiving actually enjoys grand gestures (proposing at sporting events, restaurants, crowds of family and friends), but it would be awful if the person receiving the gestures hates public displays of emotion.

 

It is only romantic because romance at its core is about loving someone for exactly who they are. Most examples of this in romance are sexual or are tied with sexual expectations, which you are not and don’t want. But even between sexual people that conversation has to be navigated, and you shouldn’t feel like your asexuality is the problem.

 

You said that you have a meltdown when you think about actually having to do the things you fantasize about. How do you want to be romanced in a way that makes you feel safe and happy and excited? If you are basing those ideas on how someone else expresses romance – through physical or sexual affection – and that isn’t something that makes YOU feel cared for, then it makes sense you would feel uncomfortable with it. But it also isn’t crazy that you would think about it, because most likely the people you care about romantically are sexual and those ideas would be a way to show THEM that you care. You have to find what works for you, and the best way to do that isn’t through the lens of what would make others feel loved and connected, but what you would. 

 

Also, if you feel like the person showing an interest in you has different expectations of what a relationship with you looks like, then you need to get really clear on what it is you do want before you can figure out if that is the right person to give it to you. Maybe I am reading you wrong, but it sounds like you avoid the conversation entirely because the fantasy is clear in your mind and not the reality. Reading and writing and watching romance is a great way to consider different scenarios and what love and connection look like to you, especially because a lot of it is centered through the context of sexual protagonists. I think asexuals have a better understanding of what sexual people expect in romantic relationships than the reverse just because of exposure. I would love to see some romance where the main characters are asexual – and the fact that isn’t really represented may be why you struggle to find a balance between desire and how that would actually work for you.

 

I don’t know if this helps or makes it worse, but I know for me I struggled with not knowing I was asexual for a long time because I am also panromantic. It took a long time to decouple some automatic assumptions about what love and attraction and connection look like. If none of this sounds like your issue and I am just projecting my own, then I would say have some grace with yourself – all relationships are tough to navigate!

[candystorekid]

On 6/1/2020 at 3:56 AM, TogetherAgain said:

Thank YOU for talking through this with ME!

 

Gotta admit, I'm kind of excited about the teetotaler bartender metaphor. I'm not always happy being like this either. Most of the time I am pretty content, but on the other hand, I don't get a lot of exposure to anything that would/could lead to a relationship anyway. I really don't have a social life, and all of my jobs are in educational settings (elementary school, tutoring center, that kind of thing). So, other than my own relatives, pretty much all the guys I meet are either (a) spoken for, (b) not interested in women, (c) WAY older than me, or (d) some combination thereof. So... teetotaler bartender who never actually SEES anyone drink? The melancholy/jealousy really only hits me when I'm at a wedding and inevitably think, "Aww, this is so nice, and they're so happy, and.......... I'm never gonna have this, am I?" OR, on the rare occasion I find a guy to crush on, when I inevitably find out he's the aforementioned (a) (b) (c) or (d). If I were around guys all the time, it might be a LOT harder.

 

I do see what you mean about trauma, though. I... honestly I would also describe at least some parts of my dating history as being traumatic, except that I also feel like that's too strong a word for what I've been through, but maybe my therapist would disagree? Keep working with your therapist, too, though. That may also lend some clarity.

I definitely meet men who are (a) (b) (c) or (d) all the time as well! It's mostly (a) which is unfortunate because it feels like my timing is off, and that's the only real issue. And yes I feel EXACTLY the same at weddings/engagement parties. Also just whenever I see couples being coupley and taking care of each other. I want to give and receive that care too. I want the chance to experience that. A tiny part of me hopes that I will and it's just a case of being patient enough with myself to work through these panics.

 

I've talked to my therapist about the trauma thing and discussed whether my experiences 'count' as trauma; she said if I experience them as traumatic then they were. What is traumatic for someone depends on who they are and their life experiences. Like someone with a fear of heights would find being on top of a tall building very traumatic and frightening whereas someone without that fear wouldn't experience it as traumatic at all. So it's not that any experience is fundamentally traumatic or not, it depends on who is having the experience and how they experience it.

All this is to say if you feel that your experiences were traumatic and have traumatised you then they were and they did. If you can recognise that you can work towards getting past the trauma. I'm trying to do it, too

[candystorekid]

On 6/1/2020 at 11:45 PM, ComingUpAces said:

Are your examples of romance in your head about you? Do you see someone performing these “romantic moves” on or with you? Or are you picturing romantic moves between other people? I ask (you don’t have to answer) because there are plenty of things that are romantic, that just may not be YOUR idea of romantic. It can be super romantic for someone to make grand gestures, if the person receiving actually enjoys grand gestures (proposing at sporting events, restaurants, crowds of family and friends), but it would be awful if the person receiving the gestures hates public displays of emotion.

 

It is only romantic because romance at its core is about loving someone for exactly who they are. Most examples of this in romance are sexual or are tied with sexual expectations, which you are not and don’t want. But even between sexual people that conversation has to be navigated, and you shouldn’t feel like your asexuality is the problem.

 

You said that you have a meltdown when you think about actually having to do the things you fantasize about. How do you want to be romanced in a way that makes you feel safe and happy and excited? If you are basing those ideas on how someone else expresses romance – through physical or sexual affection – and that isn’t something that makes YOU feel cared for, then it makes sense you would feel uncomfortable with it. But it also isn’t crazy that you would think about it, because most likely the people you care about romantically are sexual and those ideas would be a way to show THEM that you care. You have to find what works for you, and the best way to do that isn’t through the lens of what would make others feel loved and connected, but what you would. 

 

Also, if you feel like the person showing an interest in you has different expectations of what a relationship with you looks like, then you need to get really clear on what it is you do want before you can figure out if that is the right person to give it to you. Maybe I am reading you wrong, but it sounds like you avoid the conversation entirely because the fantasy is clear in your mind and not the reality. Reading and writing and watching romance is a great way to consider different scenarios and what love and connection look like to you, especially because a lot of it is centered through the context of sexual protagonists. I think asexuals have a better understanding of what sexual people expect in romantic relationships than the reverse just because of exposure. I would love to see some romance where the main characters are asexual – and the fact that isn’t really represented may be why you struggle to find a balance between desire and how that would actually work for you.

 

I don’t know if this helps or makes it worse, but I know for me I struggled with not knowing I was asexual for a long time because I am also panromantic. It took a long time to decouple some automatic assumptions about what love and attraction and connection look like. If none of this sounds like your issue and I am just projecting my own, then I would say have some grace with yourself – all relationships are tough to navigate!

Wow, thank you for this amazing response. It is wonderfully validating to read what you wrote here. 

 

To answer your question, yes the romance in my head is about me and involves me and people I feel romantic towards. "Maybe I am reading you wrong, but it sounds like you avoid the conversation entirely because the fantasy is clear in your mind and not the reality." - this is absolutely spot-on. You're reading me like a book, haha! I have long-standing problems with fantasy and living in my head and not in the real world. It's the main focus of my work with my therapist. I think because I can control what happens in my fantasy without the danger of reality messing it up (or coercing me into being sexual, which I don't want), I get protective of the fantasy whenever real life threatens it. That makes me panic. It's the idea of losing the fantasy. Fantasy has sustained me and kept me going through difficult times and been a constant for me in my life and something I had control over. It's my security blanket. I fear that any interposing of real life might push my fantasy further away, thereby taking away my control and safety.

 

Thank you, again, for talking through this with me. It's enormously helpful ❤️

[Blair:)]

On 5/22/2020 at 8:16 AM, candystorekid said:

I've only come to identify as asexual (demisexual, really) within the last year or so. My dating history has been traumatic and unhappy. I feel like I'm one of the most romantic people alive; always daydreaming about love and romance, and I get crushes frequently. I'm very tactile and I love cuddles and kissing and all non-sexual touch.

 

But whenever a guy makes a romantic move on me (asks me out, tells me he thinks i'm attractive, says romantic things) I internally have a meltdown. I freak out completely, I worry that I'l l have to actually do all those romantic (but non-sexual) things I'm always dreaming about and longing for and it upsets me. I end up calling off dates, telling men I'm too messed up to date them, or otherwise distancing myself from people I like and find attractive. 

 

I don't understand how I can be so romantic in my head and be so scared of romance when it happens in my real life. I have a therapist and we're working through my issues together but I wanted to see if anyone here has also experienced this.

Ok so I got answers: your probably Bellusromantic

[laLibby]

I feel pretty similarly about romance in real life! I'm not super romantic in my head but I do kind of enjoy the idea of it. But yeah when it happens in real life I freak out. I feel like I get the opposite of butterflies in my stomach, like my heart is full of spikes or something. 

[candystorekid]

8 hours ago, Bronte:) said:

Ok so I got answers: your probably Bellusromantic

I'm intrigued! I looked this up but I don't think it applies to me exactly. LGBT wiki defines it as not wanting a romantic relationship despite enjoying conventional romance. I do want a relationship, I just freak out when it happens because I feel like I don't know how to have one without sacrificing part of myself or endangering myself. I also do feel romantic attraction. It's more like an extreme anxiety takes over when romance occurs and it prevents me from pursuing it further even though I do want it.

 

@laLibby I feel that way too! Kind of like butterflies but less enjoyable. More like a horrible anxious feeling rather than excited anticipation. I really want to go on a date and do romantic things but I'm also super stressed on the date and so relieved when it's over.

[Blair:)]

20 hours ago, candystorekid said:

I'm intrigued! I looked this up but I don't think it applies to me exactly. LGBT wiki defines it as not wanting a romantic relationship despite enjoying conventional romance. I do want a relationship, I just freak out when it happens because I feel like I don't know how to have one without sacrificing part of myself or endangering myself. I also do feel romantic attraction. It's more like an extreme anxiety takes over when romance occurs and it prevents me from pursuing it further even though I do want it.

 

@laLibby I feel that way too! Kind of like butterflies but less enjoyable. More like a horrible anxious feeling rather than excited anticipation. I really want to go on a date and do romantic things but I'm also super stressed on the date and so relieved when it's over.

I saw a term similar to that somewhere. I’ll look into it

[Blair:)]

3 minutes ago, Bronte:) said:

I saw a term similar to that somewhere. I’ll look into it

So I don’t think I’ve found it but the closest thing I could find is romance ambivalent, which is technically for aros but it basically means you’ve got mixed feelings on romance. Which could mean what you explained. Or there is Acrisexual, If you feel romance but feels odd, like you shouldn’t feel it.