attraction to protectiveness but repulse to contact in a relationship??

[baeky]

this might sound really weird and obscure, but i wanted to see if anyone else has similar sort of feelings or experience.

 

i feel like i desire the protectiveness and feeling of being safe with someone that a relationship often provides. i would look up to a lot of fictional characters and i guess sort of fantasise?? about them protecting me and looking after me, but never really anything physical.

i'll watch TV shows and my heart will jump at a scene where one of the characters protects the other, but i'll see a scene with physical contact like kissing, cuddling etc. and just sort of be repulsed by it.

 

i have mild relationship experience, long story short a few guys have tried doing romantic things with me and i hated it.

those experiences sort of became a huge trauma in my life and i never really want to try being in a relationship with someone again because that sort of contact just feels wrong to me, and always leaves me feeling dirty or gross afterwards.

yet still i sort of desire that feeling of being protected and looked after by someone??

and often you'll find that sort of trope in fictional media with straight relationships, girl and boy fall in love, dangerous situation and boy saves the girl etc.

 

i had an a pretty shitty childhood and no one ever really looked after me a lot, i always felt very alone and unsafe so it could partly stem from that. i do remember having that same sort of attraction as a child and wanting to be protected/looked after by characters i saw in shows, games etc.

 

god i might sound really weird.. i've never really talked about this before.

but does anyone experience a similar sort of thing or might know what this is?

i feel like i'm very alone in my feelings ahh everything is just so confusing,

[HopefullySomething]

To me it sounds like you're interested in an intimate platonic relationship!

Platonic relationships are very common and I would recommend looking more into it to see if that matches what you're looking for! Best of luck!

[baeky]

28 minutes ago, CBC said:

Have you been to therapy to properly deal with the effects of your neglectful childhood?

i'm in therapy, but i've never really talked about my childhood much.

mostly because i've forgotten a lot of the details of things, i just know that i was very alone and isolated and my parents weren't very present. i never thought much about bringing it up before, but since i think it might've formed my feelings and perceptions negatively in some ways that's definitely something i should try to bring up with my therapist, so thank you!!

[Guest]

Meh, not really when I feel like myself. I can't stand the idea of just sitting there and letting someone go in alone. I'd rather keep someone else safe than well myself. It's still admittedly nice when someone has your back. I just run far too much on power dynamics.