How do I come out to my parents?

[Ella Joy]

This is probably a very common topic, but I'm feeling like it's time to come out to my parents. I really want to avoid the "how can you know you're so young and single!" discussion, and I'm not sure how to introduce asexuality without making it sound like I've thought a lot about sex because that will be weird. I've considered leaving the ace part for now (I'm also bi), or just saying I'm ace, and explaining the split-attraction another day, but I think that might just cause more problems later, and anyway I prefer to use both as a label, just one or the other feels uncomfortable. 

 

I live in a liberal area with liberal/accepting parents, so I'm lucky enough not to be worried about being kicked out or anything. I'm just looking for a little advice on how to explain it without making it awkward. 

 

Sorry, this is an incoherent pile of sludge, bless you if you have the patience/comprehension to respond to this.

[NickyTannock]

When I came out as Asexual to my dad, I did it by writing everything I needed to say in a note and handing it to him. You could perhaps try something similar.

There's also a parent's guide you could show them: http://www.whatisasexuality.com/family-and-friends/parents/

As well as a book that's free to read online: http://www.asexualityarchive.com/book/

[AKindlyKing]

Maybe focus on how the topic makes you feel? There's no surefire way to win someone over if they have a preconceived idea of things, but if you're honest and focus on how sex seems uncomfortable or even just not very appealing (however you feel about it) and emphasize that you don't believe that will change and want their support, then it might seem more concrete to them. If they're accepting people already, I would ask for their support before even initiating the conversation.

[Ace_SouthAfrica_87]

Personally I wouldn't come out to my parents. They will not understand who you truly are. It also has nothing to do with them. Then again. I hardly talk to them and don't need to interact with them on a daily basis. I have only come out to 5 friends. They probably still don't really understand it. I'm not bothered about it. 

 

But if you feel like you need to tell them, then it's entirely up to you. I don't think anyone will kick you out for being ace? I might be wrong, but I do feel like there are far less stigmatization in this regard. When I came out to one of my good friends, it was hard and I did have mixed feeling afterwards. So be prepared for some weird feelings and an emotional roller coaster. You can perhaps mention what your goals are in life and tell them what they can expect, and then share your difficulties and then after they get a sense of your point of view just reveal it. 

 

Good luck and don't be ashamed of it. Own it. 

[Karo]

For me, coming out to my parents was definitely worth it, even if I'm not sure they fully understand, and I kind of wish I had done it sooner (I knew I wasn't straight before I was ace, but never came out partly because I thought I should have 'evidence', like maybe a crush or something?). But I feel like being open with them is a lot better, now I don't feel like I am hiding or they are making the wrong assumptions. I'm also bi and ace, and told them both at the same time. The bi part was the easy part, because I knew they would understand that, but I was a bit (lot) more nervous about the ace part. I came out to my parents in a language other than English, and I had no experience discussing asexuality in it. In one sense this was hard, as I didn't feel comfortable in all the responses to people's questions. But on the other hand, it kind of put us on equal footing with language and I had to explain in my own words what I wanted to tell them. It was a bit awkward, but I am really glad I did it, as it feels like the communication lines are open rather than me trying to hide stuff (even if only by omission, I find that stressful). Now it means I can casually bring stuff up about hypothetical boyfriends/girlfriends or how I'm not interested in sexual things and it's not really a big deal.

 

I can't remember what exactly was said in the first conversation, but I basically talked about what I personally wanted in vague terms (Ie not hugely interested in relationships, but would be open to having one with someone of any gender, and basically I would like to cuddle and that's about it), and also explained asexuality by pointing out that some people like people of their own gender, some the 'opposite', some people are interested in people of any gender, and actually there are also people not interested in anyone. My parents did ask some questions, and actually they seemed to believe me quite well, and says it makes sense, also in other people they have known. They didn't comment on me being too young, but that might be because I pre-emptively said that yeah, maybe this will change, who knows what I will think in 10 years, but this is how I feel now. Obviously you don't have to say that, but it is genuinely how I feel, I am not very certain I will be ace forever, but the word is useful for now.

 

Since you are trying to avoid it being awkward, my number one recommendation is that if you don't make a big thing of it, they are also likely to not make it a big deal. So try to keep it casual, like a normal conversation rather than a planned presentation, and also try not do get defensive even if they do ask some things that make you feel upset or misunderstood - remember they are new to this. You don't have to indulge all the questions though, you can say some things are too personal, and you can explain nicely if something they say makes you feel bad. I didn't get to choose when I came out, but if I could it would probably be something like this over breakfast: 'Hey mum and dad, I want you to know I'd be open to dating people of different genders'... 'but also, do you know that some people are asexual? [little explanation] I think I'm also that'