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Queer Culture knowledge is cumbersome/boring


songchick

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Ok so I had a questioning phase like 10 years ago. I went to Cubbyhole and Henrietta Hudson frequently (lesbian bars in NYC), and met people there, etc. It seems like they share this knowledge about queer culture, actresses, specific TV shows and movies, perspectives on politicians... and it was hard for me to just get into it. Like you have to agree with it all.

 

Fast forward now to today, I watched some video where it talked about "How to tell if a femme girl is a lesbian," maybe thinking I could get insight on myself. They were like "ask questions to see if she knows about queer culture and events." Again, it seems like this club where you have to know everything about what's hip in the club and stuff. It seems like too much of a hassle to get on board and get in the club. I keep saying club. But yea, I have always been against clique culture, and the queer scene seems like a clique to the max.

 

Several months ago, I went to a lesbian speed dating event which seemed okay, but afterwards there's a stripper dancing. LIke why does there have to be a stripper? Then the group facilitator was like, "Oh, I've met a few girls at these speed dating events. And that dancer? I always hire her because she's hot." I'm supposed to agree with this? I feel like speed dating ISN'T working if you haven't found anyone steady.

 

I don't know if I'm being weird and closed-minded, but I wish it was just about who you are attracted to. Why does there have to be a culture around it? Why is there a huge bar scene in the community? Why does there always have to be someone naked walking around? 

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Janus the Fox

Nah same, I've been to Fetish Gay Men only bars and spas, beyond being there for the BF, we definitely leave behind the whole after dark culture and go our own ways with somethig else.  I think very few stay for the after dark pleasures.

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7 minutes ago, Janus DarkFox said:

Nah same, I've been to Fetish Gay Men only bars and spas, beyond being there for the BF, we definitely leave behind the whole after dark culture and go our own ways with somethig else.  I think very few stay for the after dark pleasures.

Hm ok. Maybe it's because I'm in NYC, people just are on nightlife mode at all times. NYC is hyper and if you want to party hard, it's THE place. Truly though, I'm a homebody. I don't like standing in the club next to people. I'd rather stay at home and write an essay or something.

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Well if you're not into that culture and don't agree with it, just stay away from it. I mean, there's no obligation to go to gay bars, etc. 

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9 minutes ago, Edels said:

Well if you're not into that culture and don't agree with it, just stay away from it. I mean, there's no obligation to go to gay bars, etc. 

I know, but it bothers me that these people seem to think they "own" the culture. I don't know.

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Yeah , I get that it might be disturbing to some people who are not a part of it. Here's an advice : Honestly, just don't pay too much attention to it. As long as it doesn't harm you or anyone else, you know... 

 

 

57 minutes ago, songchick said:

 "own" the culture

You mean as in culture appropriation ?  

 

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7 minutes ago, ItsAlwaysPrideDay said:

I personally think it’s nice to be a part of a group that has culture. I mean, I’m underage so I’m not going to gay bars and I don’t nor do I think I’ll ever want to see random people naked but that just means I won’t engage in that part of the culture. There is culture everywhere and it’s hard to avoid. Being part of that culture can make you feel like you belong in a group. There is even asexual culture, even within this site.

This is true. I always get a twinge of loneliness though, when I see others doing things that they seem happy doing, that I don't want to do. I feel like I'm supposed to want to do that stuff, then I see myself as "deficient."

 

41 minutes ago, Edels said:

Yeah , I get that it might be disturbing to some people who are not a part of it. Here's an advice : Honestly, just don't pay too much attention to it. As long as it doesn't harm you or anyone else, you know... 

 

 

You mean as in culture appropriation ?  

 

Not exactly cultural appropriation. Like, they talk about who they are as LGBTQ+ people, and they say that what they say represents the entire community.

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I can see some of what they're saying. After all, figuring out if a person is (orientation) without coming out to them or being blunt can be tricky, and one way is to subtely ask about their knowledge of the (orientation's) community. But I do understand not agreeing with a certain culture. Especially LGBT+ ones where people can be pretty sex-favorable, sex-positive, liberal, etc. and not everyone is all of those thing.

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I don't care for gay culture because I feel distant from it and as someone who's demi and uninterested in actual sex, I relate more to fanfic writers than love to emotionally (and sexually) torment characters. 

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4 hours ago, songchick said:

Several months ago, I went to a lesbian speed dating event which seemed okay, but afterwards there's a stripper dancing. LIke why does there have to be a stripper? Then the group facilitator was like, "Oh, I've met a few girls at these speed dating events. And that dancer? I always hire her because she's hot." I'm supposed to agree with this? I feel like speed dating ISN'T working if you haven't found anyone steady.

 

I don't know if I'm being weird and closed-minded, but I wish it was just about who you are attracted to. Why does there have to be a culture around it? Why is there a huge bar scene in the community? Why does there always have to be someone naked walking around? 

I've had a very similar experience with this. I came out as gay a year and a half ago and started going out to lesbian bars - because that was the thing you did when you came out lol. I lived in San Diego at the time which has a very big LGBT presence / community. I didn't mind the drag dancing (there weren't any strippers) but I felt I had to act very hyper-sexual and find girls as if I was a predator looking for it's prey. Sorry I didn't know how else to describe it. 

 

While I enjoyed some aspects of the bar scene I felt very uncomfortable putting myself out there and acting not myself, but I felt like I had no choice. That's what everybody else did. I felt like I had to agree that a certain girl was hot even though I didn't agree or be turned on by a half naked girl walking around. There was never an opportunity to talk to people and get to know them, and see if you are attracted to them. Also, the bar scene was very cliquey, which was horrible. San Diego wasn't as bad as San Francisco though in terms of promotion of a "culture". OH BOY LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT SF.

 

Fast forward to 6 months later. I started hanging out with more queer girls to explore the queer scene in the Bay Area. In SF, if you didn't watch the L Word New Generation, or any recent queer-oriented movie/tv show, or didn't think the first girl you saw at the bar was hot, NOPE you don't belong. I went to Jolene's with a friend and we both talked to this one girl. The first conversation that came up was the "fuck-marry-kill" game and we had to pick a character from the L Word to play the game. EXCUSE ME? Then I saw a bunch of strippers and I wasn't sure how to act. It was all too much. For me, it wasn't so much about the community being sex-favorable (although that was part of it), but that you had to subscribe to this culture of loving strippers and possessing knowledge of all queer media. No thanks. Why can't I just be me?

 

There were only one or two girls I was REALLY into so that might put me in the demi/greysexual category, but I'm still not really sure - I actually might just be ace. The culture side to the LGBT community actually made me question my sexuality and I still am questioning it lol. Therefore, I would never do speed dating haha that sounds horrible to me. Anyway, I understand exactly what you are feeling :) 

 

 

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4 hours ago, LibraGirl said:

I've had a very similar experience with this. I came out as gay a year and a half ago and started going out to lesbian bars - because that was the thing you did when you came out lol. I lived in San Diego at the time which has a very big LGBT presence / community. I didn't mind the drag dancing (there weren't any strippers) but I felt I had to act very hyper-sexual and find girls as if I was a predator looking for it's prey. Sorry I didn't know how else to describe it. 

 

While I enjoyed some aspects of the bar scene I felt very uncomfortable putting myself out there and acting not myself, but I felt like I had no choice. That's what everybody else did. I felt like I had to agree that a certain girl was hot even though I didn't agree or be turned on by a half naked girl walking around. There was never an opportunity to talk to people and get to know them, and see if you are attracted to them. Also, the bar scene was very cliquey, which was horrible. San Diego wasn't as bad as San Francisco though in terms of promotion of a "culture". OH BOY LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT SF.

 

Fast forward to 6 months later. I started hanging out with more queer girls to explore the queer scene in the Bay Area. In SF, if you didn't watch the L Word New Generation, or any recent queer-oriented movie/tv show, or didn't think the first girl you saw at the bar was hot, NOPE you don't belong. I went to Jolene's with a friend and we both talked to this one girl. The first conversation that came up was the "fuck-marry-kill" game and we had to pick a character from the L Word to play the game. EXCUSE ME? Then I saw a bunch of strippers and I wasn't sure how to act. It was all too much. For me, it wasn't so much about the community being sex-favorable (although that was part of it), but that you had to subscribe to this culture of loving strippers and possessing knowledge of all queer media. No thanks. Why can't I just be me?

 

There were only one or two girls I was REALLY into so that might put me in the demi/greysexual category, but I'm still not really sure - I actually might just be ace. The culture side to the LGBT community actually made me question my sexuality and I still am questioning it lol. Therefore, I would never do speed dating haha that sounds horrible to me. Anyway, I understand exactly what you are feeling :) 

 

 

THIS!!!!!!!! Preach on, sister! 👏

 

Playing games from the L Word? It seems like lesbian culture is like, media and business catering to the population to become consumers. It's not freedom. It's conformity. I hear you on not being sure, and just being demi/ace. I'm in the same boat. The speed dating was sort of like, "I'm going to make sure I don't like it." It's frustrating because you get matches, and then you have like 4 people to contact within a week. I didn't contact anyone and no one contacted me, and I was fine with that. I would rather stay home and relax than go on a date with someone I don't know with time I don't have.

 

My life is already streamlined into something efficient and satisfying. I am devoted to mental health advocacy, so that's my social justice platform or whatever. I'm not interested in being an LGBTQ+ crusader, although I want to write more articles on asexuality. THAT needs way more exposure.

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