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Came Out but Mixed Feelings?


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Just came out to my best friend of having "no orientation or label" b/c idk what the hell it is. I mentioned asexuality before but I didn't use the words "I am asexual." She was very supportive but idk I still don't feel good about it... it doesn't feel completely right. I even felt disappointed that she was not surprised because I had eluded to not having an orientation. I feel like I should be happy? 😕 I'm having second thoughts after coming out. I felt sad like I was "giving up" on myself, but at the same time, there has to be a reason why I am here on AVEN and leaning in this direction.

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No sexual orientation is different than having one you can't define!!

 

I feel you're so attached to the idea of finding a label that its blinding you to the idea of just giving yourself time to figure your orientation out :o Heck I was almost 30 when I started having mine nailed down, and I know other females on AVEN who didn't have it figured out until late 20s/early 30s even after HEAPS of sexual experience and identifying as ace etc. I think the need to have a label, and the need to 'come out' is causing you to put too much pressure on yourself!! You need to take a step back and relax, and maybe if possible find some professional help so you can understand why you're putting all this unnecessary pressure on yourself? I feel like you're never going to figure your orientation out if you're so focused on the label aspect of it!!! :o

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Ace_SouthAfrica_87

Coming out doesn't mean you have to commit to something. It's something you feel at the time of coming out. Like I have mentioned before. I am still figuring things out and also choose no labels. I have come out as Asexual to 5 people, but I have also said to these people, that I am not sure yet. How you feel and what you are will one day be more clearer. Don't give up on yourself. You never know what could happen in the future. Just keep on staying positive.

 

As we with anxiety know, that is not so easy. I guess I am attracted to our conversations I enjoy reading your stories. It's relatable. At first when I came out I went through a lot of mental thoughts. I was wondering. What did I just do? Why would I ever tell people about myself etc. It took a while, but I am comfortable now about it. I don't bother them about my struggles. Aven is a good outlet to figure these things out. Being who you are is not a crime. Focus on happiness. 

 

Are you really a Libra? Apparently being an Aquarius means we can be compatible friends. 

 

Anyway just know that the mixed feelings are normal. I felt relief, regret, uncertainty, happiness, sorrow and every emotion in between after coming out as ace, but remember coming out doesn't confirm who you are.

 

Love and Respect.  

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Janus the Fox
1 hour ago, Ace_SouthAfrica_87 said:

Coming out doesn't mean you have to commit to something. It's something you feel at the time of coming out.

Highlighting this point, very true that coming out is a commitment.  While coming out can be some form of relief, like being released out of the closet and one less anxiety, there's no need to start behaving like the very thing you've come out from.  Plenty of people that come out as Gay for example that perhaps don't do anything with it beyond the feeling of being honest with yourself.

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Ace_SouthAfrica_87
7 minutes ago, Janus DarkFox said:

Highlighting this point, very true that coming out is a commitment.  While coming out can be some form of relief, like being released out of the closet and one less anxiety, there's no need to start behaving like the very thing you've come out from.  Plenty of people that come out as Gay for example that perhaps don't do anything with it beyond the feeling of being honest with yourself.

Not everyone is the same. There are people who come out as different orientations on Youtube on different occasions. Those who have not yet discovered who they really are or haven't accepted who they really are. Coming out can be a confirmation that one is definitely a set orientation AND/OR Coming out can be that one is questioning their orientation and not certain yet and just letting someone know that they are perhaps not what they are assumed to be. 

 

In my case I came out saying. I might not be into chicks. I'm definitely not into guys. This friend has assumed I might be gay and would accept if I were, but I confirmed that I am perhaps ace or perhaps heterosexual. So I came out as not knowing yet. If that makes sense. I can confirm that I am more career orientated now and will focus on certain aspects of my personal life at a different stage in my life. My life is dictated by my priorities at certain points of my life. I struggle to juggle things. Once I am settled into my career and earning enough only then will I consider going on dates as at present my budget determines what I can and cannot do. 

 

Typical overthinking and anxiety influences me.    

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21 hours ago, Ace_SouthAfrica_87 said:

Coming out doesn't mean you have to commit to something. It's something you feel at the time of coming out. Like I have mentioned before. I am still figuring things out and also choose no labels. I have come out as Asexual to 5 people, but I have also said to these people, that I am not sure yet. How you feel and what you are will one day be more clearer. Don't give up on yourself. You never know what could happen in the future. Just keep on staying positive.

 

As we with anxiety know, that is not so easy. I guess I am attracted to our conversations I enjoy reading your stories. It's relatable. At first when I came out I went through a lot of mental thoughts. I was wondering. What did I just do? Why would I ever tell people about myself etc. It took a while, but I am comfortable now about it. I don't bother them about my struggles. Aven is a good outlet to figure these things out. Being who you are is not a crime. Focus on happiness. 

 

Are you really a Libra? Apparently being an Aquarius means we can be compatible friends. 

 

Anyway just know that the mixed feelings are normal. I felt relief, regret, uncertainty, happiness, sorrow and every emotion in between after coming out as ace, but remember coming out doesn't confirm who you are.

 

Love and Respect.  

This really touched me. I'm happy to hear that you relate to my stories. I relate to your stories as well. Oh yeah, Libra all the way - and Aquariuses are definitely a great friendship match! I've never not gotten along with an Aquarius. :)

 

I am slowly accepting the fact that I just don't know what's going on with my sexuality, and that's okay. I like being here on AVEN because I can relate to many of the stories on here. I came out so many times, I expected my life to change dramatically just like that, but no it didn't happen at all. I'm glad that mixed feelings are normal and I'm not going insane. Trying to focus on happiness as best as I can.

 

19 hours ago, Ace_SouthAfrica_87 said:

In my case I came out saying. I might not be into chicks. I'm definitely not into guys. This friend has assumed I might be gay and would accept if I were, but I confirmed that I am perhaps ace or perhaps heterosexual. So I came out as not knowing yet. If that makes sense.

Yeah I did the same with my best friend the other day! I said I don't know if I'm into girls or boys or nobody. It's very distressing for those who struggle with anxiety and perfectionism like myself who need a sense of control over things, but sexuality is too complicated for that hahaha. That's a good route for you to take and it must bring a lot more comfort to you.

 

18 hours ago, Moonman said:

Having seen some of the things you've been posting recently, I think you'd benefit from giving yourself a break. It's okay to not know, you'll figure it out.

Hahaha yeah I need to stop putting so much pressure on myself. Thanks

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