Revisiting sex scenes in movies

[JackSilent]

CW: Sex, rape

 

Hello friends, I would like to share with you some of the realizations and frustrations I have had while rewatching a sex scene in a film (which turns into a rape scene, be warned).

 

The movie in question is Star Trek Nemesis. In the scene Counselor Troi invites her husband, Commander Riker, to bed, and they begin to do the deed until the villain, Shinzon, telepathically intrudes into her thoughts and essentially rapes her, taking the place of Riker until Troi breaks free.

 

I've seen this movie several times, mostly as a kid, and I probably watched it most recently when I was around sixteen or seventeen. I'm twenty-six now so it has been a while and my lord how different this scene is now.

 

As a kid and even as a teenager it didn't even really occur to me that Riker and Troi were going to have sex. It just didn't occur to me that people who are married or are in a relationship have sex. I just didn't get it. I thought they were just kissing and that their clothes were off because they were going to bed. Then when the mind rape occurs I just never understood what was happening. I was so confused. Why does Shinzon want to kiss Troi? For me kissing had always been something done affectionately. I feel like I had no concept of lust, of the sexual component that could be aroused by kissing. Kissing was supposed to be an affectionate thing, yet the scene was clearly presented as some sort of attack or assault. Hello???

 

I began identifying as asexual sometime in 2017 and came out publicly a year later, but I have since shied away from the label because I feel like it has gotten me more trouble than it is worth. Not with any sort of aphobia but mostly due to my intentions with women, of whom I feel attracted to romantically, and I feel that--for better or worse--hearing that I am asexual is an automatic turn-off for most. I also feel like I do feel things that may indeed be sexual attraction or desire and I have entertained the thought that perhaps I just have some sort of psychological block that is repressing my sexuality. How I may have developed that block is beyond me because I cannot really recall any trauma I ever experienced with regard to sex.

 

But because of my desire to break free of any potential psychological block I may have, I have taken a lot of strides to try to really explore my sexuality. The details of that are perhaps TMI but now, after going through that process, holy cow does that scene from Star Trek seem different.

 

The passion, the primal urges, the weird little implications between the characters, the anticipation as the kissing begins to move to intercourse. These things I feel I understand much more clearly now but mostly in an academic sense. I still struggle to identify with it, to picture myself as either of the characters. And then finally the rape scene instills in me exactly what it should: disgust, terror, an extremely claustrophobic feeling and a potent sense of violation.

 

I guess I am just astounded by how little these scenes used to mean to me until I really intently started trying to understand them. For my whole life these things went right over my head. I just don't get it. And I've found that a lot of aces seem to share this same feeling. That sex scenes in movies are boring and gratuitous. That in high school and beyond we always felt like our peers were exaggerating their sexual desires, and how shocked we were when we finally realized that they were never faking it. Things like that.

 

I wish I wasn't this way. I wish I could connect with women the way I want to. I wish I could pick up on all the little hints and implications. I wish we had compatible goals for relationships.

 

I wish I understood what exactly it is that I even desire, because I feel like I desire the closeness of sex and the release of tension, but so much of it grosses me out and fills me with confusion, disgust, and dread.

 

I am wondering if being exposed to scenes like these as a child is what may have "messed me up." My parents were always very liberal with what we were allowed to watch on TV. In retrospect I realize that I viewed tons of sex scenes as a kid without even realizing it. I feel like for most other people their parents would cover their eyes or just not let their kids watch the movie/show. I wonder if that had been done for me, if it were made clear to me that what was going on in the movie was "naughty," even though I would consider that attitude to be very backwards and archaic, if that would have allowed an actual concept of what sex is to form in my mind--as opposed to just being the weird thing that grown-ups sometimes do in bed and act all stupid about in sitcoms.

 

But those scenes are in fact censored. The scene in Star Trek, like most sex scenes in PG-13 films, does not depict full nudity or actual penetration. I feel that this attitude we have in western society about sex, that it is something that is morally corruptible to explicitly witness, and the way in which we deal with that attitude in media can be very damaging to young people. I would have rather been presented with an honest depiction of what sex is rather than have them clumsily dance around the issue and make vague implications.

 

I should note here that I do not think asexual people are "damaged" or that asexuality as an orientation is in any way wrong or a sign of brokenness. I am speaking only for myself here.

 

But then I feel like the goofy ways in which western media portrays sex couldn't have been enough just to "mess me up." I remember once when I was fourteen, in middle school, we were presented with the pilot episode of the show The Wonder Years. I don't really remember much about the show or the episode except that in that episode the main character and his crush have their first kiss together. The show is presented as a retrospective narration by the main character who is now an adult. I just remember at some point in the narration he poetically describes how, while sitting next to the girl, he had the sudden urge to "hold her 80-pound body" or something like that. I remember being so weirded out by this scene and looking around at the class, expecting everyone to be equally as weirded out, but no one seemed to notice how odd it was! Years later I realized that it's because they all could relate to that feeling, that most of them had probably felt that way themselves, and I was the only one in the class who couldn't.

 

I guess what I'm getting at is that I feel like even if I was some sort of repressed person, surely my sexuality would have been aroused by simply being around girls and women I was attracted to. But it never was and it never has been and I wish it was something I could accept but it mostly just makes me feel frustrated and disconnected.

 

Anyway that is my rant/spiel/whatever about it. I mostly just felt the need to express these thoughts out loud and this is probably the only place I could safely do so haha. Thanks for your time!

[BlueAce]

I've been a Star Trek fan for forty years (I'm 52 now) and, although I usually don't mind sex scenes in movies - I'm simply annoyed by their quantity, I found that scene in Nemesis a bit upsetting: probably because it showed both a physical and a mental rape at the same time. Star Trek is quite good at tackling social issues and I guess the whole point of that scene was not only to ensure the audience had no sympathy for Shinzon whatsover but also to show how no one is immune from this type of violence - even a beloved character like Deanna Troi.

 

As for asexuality/sexuality: don't get frustrated. It is a journey of self-discovery and you are the only traveller who can provide the answers - in due time.