I'm afraid of what it means to be 'asexual'

[MeepMooper]

I just came out to my sisters a few months back and accepted that yeah, I'm asexual. But there are still times in which I get scared. Scared of the what it means to be 'asexual'. I dont know why but now that I've accepted that I'm asexual I feel...broken.

 

Like a puzzle that doesn't fit right with the other pieces. When I identified as straight I felt fine but I knew that at the back of my mind there was something that didn't just add up somehow. But, I kept going at identifying myself as straight because not only was it the only thing I've ever known but it was the norm. More accepted and celebrated.

 

And when I started to add the pieces together and found out I was asexual, I was proud. Yet at the same time, I felt scared and broken. Because, I realized that I am actually a part of a community that even in the LGBT community see as something that doesn't quite belong to them either.

 

So, for me who has always been 'heterosexual' and was living in an accepting place, to suddenly identify as something that both communities don't quite see as part of them is...scary. I feel like I was supposed to feel happy to find something that I knew within myself was a part of me all along and yet as I face it now, I feel afraid of it. Like I don't want it.

 

And I wish with all my heart that I was back to the community that I always knew and was so sure of. I wish with all my heart that I could identify with utmost certainty that I was 'straight' so wouldn't have to feel so out of place. So I don't have to feel so different...I felt proud and I thought I was proud of being asexual but deep inside I'm actually afraid. Afraid that people outside this reddit, my sisters and my closest friends to find out that I'm 'asexual'.

 

I thought all along I was so sure and unafraid but I'm not. People don't usually know this and maybe even the LGBT don't know this but this to me, to us, is frightening. The feeling and thinking of belonging and finding out that you didn't really even belonged all along.

 

The feeling of wishing with all your heart that you were normal. That were just 'straight' or 'gay' or something that you could identify as 'picking something out of the menu' when you dont want anything on the table .

 

I'm so afraid. And I wish with all my heart that I was normal.

[Prince Candy]

I'm half-asian half-white, and for the longest time in my life I tried to fit in in one of them, but miserably failed and lowkey got scarred for life. But what helped was realizing that even though we are a minority, a community of people like me still existed and had similar experiences to mine which helped me feel validated. That I wasn't just imagining my discomfort, but that it was a normal part of life for people like me. 

I think that's similar to being ace (which I also am). Not heterosexual and not really LGBTQ. But there is still a category for you and me and people like us, and that makes us a community. There's nothing broken or abnormal with you, because we exist.

[WaywardHeroine]

I know those feelings.  I also just kind of assumed I was straight because it was the norm.  I know I'm not broken, but sometimes I still have days where I feel like I am.  It's okay though, that's what this community is here for, to reassure each other that we're not alone.  I know it sucks sometimes.  I know the feeling of wanting to be normal.  Just remember, we are so much more than our sexuality, and I'm sure you are a beautiful and wonderfully unique human being.  You are NOT broken.

[Ennis]

2 hours ago, MeepMooper said:

But there are still times in which I get scared.

I can relate. Every once in a while doubt and insecurity kick in.

 

3 hours ago, MeepMooper said:

I am actually a part of a community that even in the LGBT community see as something that doesn't quite belong to them either.

It depends on where you go I think. I have always felt welcome in the LGBT+ meeting I used to go to. I don't think it was just because I am bi/panromantic.

[Philip027]

In my case, the problem would lie with me.  *I* don't feel like I would belong in an LGBT setting, because I perceive their movement as being primarily about the expression of "alternate" forms of sexuality, and I don't feel like I have a sexuality to express.

[uh oh spaghettio]

I relate to this so much, you are not alone in your feelings. When I was struggling to figure out what was wrong with me, and I learned I was Ace, I was ecstatic there was a label that explained what I was and how I felt, and that others felt the same way. But despite all the relief, I’ve had like three mental breakdowns already because I feel like I’m broken and that I’ve failed my parents somehow for not being “normal”. Even though they’ve said nothing of the sort. I even go so far to think it would be easier if I was lesbian, as that is more understood than Asexuality. While there is no hate I have to deal with, I have a deep fear of someone attacking me to try to “fix” me, as I know someone who had it happen to them. It’s unfortunate that us asexuals don’t have many, if any, places to share offline. I just feel very alone over it, and I know it will pass one day. But it’s definitely hard when you don’t even fit in the minority LGBT+ groups- even when the A stands for Asexual. Luckily, though, people are learning about it slowly more and more each year. 

[cato]

Are you afraid of not being accepted?  Or of the different life that awaits you?

 

I struggle to reconcile the way I think and feel often, because I have it in my head that people are supposed to feel/do XYZ, and I am not doing or feeling those things.

 

But then, I have to sit back and ask myself, why do I care?  Nobody is pressuring to get married, or have kids, or do whatever.  That voice that's telling me I'm abnormal is me.   I live my life the way I do because I enjoy it.  If I wanted something different, I would go and seek it out, right?  So why am I banging my head over wanting something I.  Don't.  Actually.  Want?  I should be living my life the way I want!  I'm not hurting anyone.

 

I'm not saying this to dismiss anything you're saying.  I get it.  It's tough feeling like the odd man out.  Just ...  ask yourself, why do you feel badly about not being normal?  Give yourself space to own who you are.

[UnknownCaller]

On 5/13/2020 at 1:19 AM, MeepMooper said:

So, for me who has always been 'heterosexual' and was living in an accepting place, to suddenly identify as something that both communities don't quite see as part of them is...scary. I feel like I was supposed to feel happy to find something that I knew within myself was a part of me all along and yet as I face it now, I feel afraid of it. Like I don't want it.

THIS! 1000000% THIS!

 

It's really weird to suddenly be a fish completely out of water. I know that we're becoming more and more visible and understood and accepted, but it still feels like so little.

 

I'm not really in a position to offer advice, but personally I keep my spirits up by thinking about what a truly ace/aro inclusive society would look like. Other communities have made themselves understood and accepted and celebrated, we should be able to do the same.

[colorblind_sunset]

I feel you. my whole life I've been drawn to both men and women to connect emotionally but really neither to connect sexually. I'm sort of attracted to women (I think? I'm pretty sure) but I think most men are gross. I've always had heterosexual relationships because I guess I'm weak and that was easier. he's objectively hot....like I understand that other women would really love to fuck him...but I pretty much feel nothing when I look at him. he makes me come but I still feel nothing until it actually happens. if his dick fell off tomorrow I would be fine with it. I feel broken and fucked up and depressed.

[Cee Fox]

On 5/13/2020 at 9:19 AM, MeepMooper said:

The feeling of wishing with all your heart that you were normal. That were just 'straight' or 'gay' or something that you could identify as 'picking something out of the menu' when you dont want anything on the table .

I really feel everything you say, but I feel this part in particular. Sometimes it feels like it would be better to have something more tangible to explain because as has been said a million times before, it's easier to describe a different kind of attraction than it is the lack of attraction. But it's also important to remember that you couldn't identify with the term 'asexual' if it wasn't a tangible thing. It takes realizing that people who are gay, straight, what have you experience something different that you could never understand. And you don't need to, really.

 

Whether groups acknowledge or not that we exist is irrelevant because we know what we experience. Yes it is scary to come to terms with the fact that you don't fit most definitions of normal, but I think the biggest step to take is accepting that. Knowing that you're asexual and knowing that you can't change it is a lot. But it's good to know. Now you don't have to force yourself to be anything else.

 

(At least this is what I tell myself when I have doubts. Hope you're feeling better✨)

[Risella]

I can so much relate to this.

I just realized that I’m demi asexual and sex-indifferent/repulsed. And it is like it’s not me, like I’ve got a parasite in my head that tells me this. Like it’s just one of my extremely obsession phases, and in another 2 weeks I’m like, oh wtf was I doing I’m so dumb. Or I’m living someone else’s life.

 

 I’ve always identified as straight without any doubts, but then when my ex wanted to go further in the relationship I just couldn’t. I couldn’t handle the sexual aspect of my relationship so I broke up. At the moment it didn’t really bother me to find out why I wasn’t able to handle it, but then I read about asexuality and I related.

I liked pleasing him (we only did handstuff), not the act but the rewarding feeling of making him happy.

I am sexually attracted to some guys sometimes, and get aroused by porn. I like when things heat up in a good  make-out session, but when that turns into sexual expectation I shut down. 
When i come after mastrubation I always feel disgusted by myself and I start to selfhate really bad, and after 15 mins or so it go’s away, idk what it is.

 

I fear that my life is about to explode by something that I found out or my mind just made up.

 

 

ps. What is the flag of demi-asexual, just the same as the asexual flag?

 

 

[Aris]

On 5/17/2020 at 10:13 AM, Risella said:

ps. What is the flag of demi-asexual, just the same as the asexual flag?

If Demi-asexual=demisexual then this is the flag:

[Someone Else]

For several decades I had assumed I was just a straight guy who simply needed to find the right person before I wanted sex.  Others seem to accept this as an explanation too, some people won't have sex with someone who isn't the "right person."
As the years went on though ,I got more and more uneasy with this explanation.  It seems unlikely, at this point, that I'm still just waiting for the right person to somehow evoke these magical thoughts and feelings and desires.  The right person isn't supposed to take half a century years to discover.  So now I'm wishing I was "normal."  

[SithLord]

Some LGBT+ communities accept us. I've never felt pushed away or excluded from anyone I talked to, though I come from a fairly liberal and accepting town back in the States, so I know that's not the same for everyone. But just know that if where you are currently doesn't accept you, there are definitely going to be places and people who do.

 

We have our own Ace community here on AVEN and in a few different areas on the interwebs. Not sure how active those others are since I'm not a frequent Redditor and I'm not a huge fan of Tumblr (those being the two biggest off-AVEN that I know about), but there are definitely places for us to go and feel welcome. And if online stuff isn't your thing, AVEN has meet-ups to remind us that we're not just usernames and avatars, but people with flesh and blood bodies that exist in the real world too.