Ace in a relationship with a sexual person - help with physical affection issues

[Vicstaverb]

Hi everyone,

I hope that someone will take the time to read this (sorry in advance, I tend to give too much detail sometimes and ramble a lot😜), but any advice would be greatly appreciated.

So here's my situation:

I (26F) have been in a relationship with a sexual male(26M) for 7 and a half years, it is my first serious relationship. I love him very much and am very aesthetically and romantically attracted to him, but have no sexual attraction to him (or anyone). He was the first person I was sexually active with (although I had had brief previous boyfriends). For the first few years, I just couldn't understand why I didn't like sex or found it overrated. I felt a lot of guilt and shame about this, and kept it to myself for a few years. Around the 4-year mark of us dating, I started to do research on why I was always feeling this way about sex and that's when I discovered that I likely fall somewhere on the asexuality spectrum. When I first "came out" to him, he didn't really understand, but over time he became more supportive and less hurt by it because he understood that it literally has nothing to do with him and it's just the way my brain works.

For the most part, the communication in our relationship is very solid, but for some reason this topic scares me to bring it up to him. I am freaking out a bit as I am only just realizing/noticing now (after 7 and a half years) that I am not really interested at all in kissing or making out. He is a very touchy feely guy and is always wanting to kiss and touch me all the time, and I tend to get annoyed with him that he wants so much physical affection. It makes me feel like a dick cause that's just his way of trying to show me he loves me. I am someone that shows my affection more through words and emotional connection more so than physically, and he does get satisfaction from that too, but it understandably is not enough for him as a sexual person.

Things are getting more difficult under our current circumstances in quarantine. We're spending 99.9% of our time together, and he's a little stir crazy and gets in these annoying moods where he won't stop bugging me and touching me, kissing me etc nonstop just because he's bored. He has also been asking for sex a lot more, because there's not as much for us to be able to do during the quarantine. This makes me uncomfortable and it makes me feel bad saying no. Admittedly he is so great, always respectful of whatever answer I give him, and always tells me that it's no problem if I don't want to. He never makes me feel bad, but I am a little nervous to tell him this, because he is under the impression that I at least enjoy making out with him. I'm worried he's going to be hurt if I tell him I don't even like KISSING him.

If you read this whole thing, thank you! And again if anyone has any advice, I would really appreciate it.

[SithLord]

You need to be honest with him. Your situation sounds similar to mine. My bf is heterosexual and very sensual and prefers cuddling the most. I am much more conversational and not very physically affectionate. We've had to talk about my boundaries and his, finding a way to make it so he's satisfied and I'm not hating it. I've never been a fan of kissing and it was something we had to work on, like to the point that we had to work towards making-out and can only do it sometimes because I hate how my mouth feels after a kiss and sometimes it just is too much. We only worked through this by communication. 

 

Talk to him about how he's making you feel because of the quarantine and that you feel he's demanding too much of you because he's bored. Tell him exactly what you feel when kissing him (disgust, discomfort, boredom). Explain how him being so demanding makes you feel.

 

It's important to breach this subject with him. He needs to know so he can help make it better. It's best if you don't demand an immediate stop to all of it, but maybe find a way for him to slow it down, or keep track of how many times/how long he's pestering you for physical affection. (Something that made me realize how little sex was happening in our relationship was actually writing it down, since it was something I was completely unaware of but he was acutely aware of. So it's possible he doesn't realize how much he's pestering you.)

[Anommamous]

6 hours ago, Vicstaverb said:

Hi everyone,

I hope that someone will take the time to read this (sorry in advance, I tend to give too much detail sometimes and ramble a lot😜), but any advice would be greatly appreciated.

So here's my situation:

I (26F) have been in a relationship with a sexual male(26M) for 7 and a half years, it is my first serious relationship. I love him very much and am very aesthetically and romantically attracted to him, but have no sexual attraction to him (or anyone). He was the first person I was sexually active with (although I had had brief previous boyfriends). For the first few years, I just couldn't understand why I didn't like sex or found it overrated. I felt a lot of guilt and shame about this, and kept it to myself for a few years. Around the 4-year mark of us dating, I started to do research on why I was always feeling this way about sex and that's when I discovered that I likely fall somewhere on the asexuality spectrum. When I first "came out" to him, he didn't really understand, but over time he became more supportive and less hurt by it because he understood that it literally has nothing to do with him and it's just the way my brain works.

For the most part, the communication in our relationship is very solid, but for some reason this topic scares me to bring it up to him. I am freaking out a bit as I am only just realizing/noticing now (after 7 and a half years) that I am not really interested at all in kissing or making out. He is a very touchy feely guy and is always wanting to kiss and touch me all the time, and I tend to get annoyed with him that he wants so much physical affection. It makes me feel like a dick cause that's just his way of trying to show me he loves me. I am someone that shows my affection more through words and emotional connection more so than physically, and he does get satisfaction from that too, but it understandably is not enough for him as a sexual person.

Things are getting more difficult under our current circumstances in quarantine. We're spending 99.9% of our time together, and he's a little stir crazy and gets in these annoying moods where he won't stop bugging me and touching me, kissing me etc nonstop just because he's bored. He has also been asking for sex a lot more, because there's not as much for us to be able to do during the quarantine. This makes me uncomfortable and it makes me feel bad saying no. Admittedly he is so great, always respectful of whatever answer I give him, and always tells me that it's no problem if I don't want to. He never makes me feel bad, but I am a little nervous to tell him this, because he is under the impression that I at least enjoy making out with him. I'm worried he's going to be hurt if I tell him I don't even like KISSING him.

If you read this whole thing, thank you! And again if anyone has any advice, I would really appreciate it.

I can relate to a lot of this. My partner and I are the same age, though we've been together just 2 years. He's a very physically and verbally affectionate person, and it gets to be too much for me and I end up getting irritated with him. He does make efforts to understand, and to an extent to give me more space (he's terrible at that, though). I make efforts to be more patient and affectionate despite being tired of all the attention he lavishes upon/requires from me.

Honestly the only advise I can give you is to find a balance. I can't tell you how to do that, you need to figure it out together with him. The reasons I've stuck with my partner so long (besides the obvious "I care about him") are because I know I won't be with him forever (which he's been aware of from the start) and because I want our end to be amicable, not triggered by me finally losing my shit and telling him to bugger off. Considering how long you guys have been together, I doubt this would be applicable in your situation.

[Ace + 6]

This sounds so similar to my situation but just not for as long(I’ve been married for 21.5 years). I never knew there was a word that described what I felt, I just always thought something was wrong with me. We have always struggled with the physicality dynamics but now that the cat has been let out of the bag (ie I finally am telling him how I feel about everything) I feel like it just keeps getting worse. At first I just thought that I don’t like sex, but everything else was fine, like kissing, snuggling, etc. But the more I think about the other stuff the more I realize I don’t like that either. And the less he touches me the more relaxed and happy I am. I don’t know where it is going to stop. I didn’t offer any advice, as I am searching for some, too, but I do truly understand where you are and hope things work out for you.

[brbdogsonfire]

On 5/11/2020 at 4:44 PM, Vicstaverb said:

Hi everyone,

I hope that someone will take the time to read this (sorry in advance, I tend to give too much detail sometimes and ramble a lot😜), but any advice would be greatly appreciated.

So here's my situation:

I (26F) have been in a relationship with a sexual male(26M) for 7 and a half years, it is my first serious relationship. I love him very much and am very aesthetically and romantically attracted to him, but have no sexual attraction to him (or anyone). He was the first person I was sexually active with (although I had had brief previous boyfriends). For the first few years, I just couldn't understand why I didn't like sex or found it overrated. I felt a lot of guilt and shame about this, and kept it to myself for a few years. Around the 4-year mark of us dating, I started to do research on why I was always feeling this way about sex and that's when I discovered that I likely fall somewhere on the asexuality spectrum. When I first "came out" to him, he didn't really understand, but over time he became more supportive and less hurt by it because he understood that it literally has nothing to do with him and it's just the way my brain works.

For the most part, the communication in our relationship is very solid, but for some reason this topic scares me to bring it up to him. I am freaking out a bit as I am only just realizing/noticing now (after 7 and a half years) that I am not really interested at all in kissing or making out. He is a very touchy feely guy and is always wanting to kiss and touch me all the time, and I tend to get annoyed with him that he wants so much physical affection. It makes me feel like a dick cause that's just his way of trying to show me he loves me. I am someone that shows my affection more through words and emotional connection more so than physically, and he does get satisfaction from that too, but it understandably is not enough for him as a sexual person.

Things are getting more difficult under our current circumstances in quarantine. We're spending 99.9% of our time together, and he's a little stir crazy and gets in these annoying moods where he won't stop bugging me and touching me, kissing me etc nonstop just because he's bored. He has also been asking for sex a lot more, because there's not as much for us to be able to do during the quarantine. This makes me uncomfortable and it makes me feel bad saying no. Admittedly he is so great, always respectful of whatever answer I give him, and always tells me that it's no problem if I don't want to. He never makes me feel bad, but I am a little nervous to tell him this, because he is under the impression that I at least enjoy making out with him. I'm worried he's going to be hurt if I tell him I don't even like KISSING him.

If you read this whole thing, thank you! And again if anyone has any advice, I would really appreciate it.

As the sexual in a mixed relationship communication helped me massively. Knowing exactly when I was crossing the line and how she felt about situations I had always expected to be natural in a relationship helped me to understand. He may have no frame of reference to how you are feeling so talking is key.

 

The initial discussions on it may be difficult but only through them can long term happyness be achieved.

[PetalsOnTheShamrock]

Vicstaverb, I don't have advice to offer.  Like , Ace + 6 I'm in the same boat. But I wanted to lend my voice of support and say I understand what you're going through.    It's such a lonely place to be - I've felt broken for so long, not understanding why I don't enjoy all the stuff that "normal" people like.  I tense up when I'm in situations where I think my husband of 10+ years will likely come on to me, or want to start cuddling or fondling....  

I hope somebody is able to give you some good advice and things work out.  Your boyfriend sounds great given your experiences so far so I'd expect some more open communication would help if you do it in a really compassionate and empathetic way.  Good luck.