...

[Lord Jade Cross]

On 5/18/2020 at 4:46 PM, Perspektiv said:

Growth starts from within. To grow, means a level of knowledge of self must be had. No counselor can help you with that. No doctor, nobody.

 

Any answer or information I provide you is useless, until you are ready to apply it.

 

I knew addicts back in the day, and some of them you just knew they would be addicts until they passed away. Until they can accept the negativity in their ways require changing, they are wasting their time in rehab. Some will tell you "rehab doesn't work", but are missing the point.

...

[Guest]

23 minutes ago, Jade Cross said:

I've been screwed and lied to all my life.

Like they say. The bulk of life is not what happens to you, but how you choose to react to it. What has happened is the past, if you choose to keep it there. These are all attitude adjustments for which you have full control.

 

You've made your choice, and have accepted to live with its consequences. You've stated it yourself. This thread as a result, comes across as you humoring yourself by poking holes in any of the advice that you get.

[Lord Jade Cross]

On 5/18/2020 at 7:51 PM, Perspektiv said:

Like they say. The bulk of life is not what happens to you, but how you choose to react to it. What has happened is the past, if you choose to keep it there. These are all attitude adjustments for which you have full control.

 

You've made your choice, and have accepted to live with its consequences. You've stated it yourself. This thread as a result, comes across as you humoring yourself by poking holes in any of the advice that you get.

...

[Guest]

17 minutes ago, Jade Cross said:

Just being pointed at and getting told "you're wrong"

 

Our childhoods are eerily similar. We just chose separate paths in it. I honestly was destined to being a career criminal or dead, if I listened to my teachers. If all you're seeing is me trying to point you as being wrong, you're truly missing the point.

 

18 minutes ago, Jade Cross said:

I suppose you will tell me that in order to bury the past, I have to kiss and make up and let people screw me all over again

 

My best friend used to have a martyr complex that was robbing him of so much potential. He could only focus on who had screwed him over. His bullies. His mother's abuse (ultimately kicking him onto the streets in the winter, where he spent the next few years of his life). Father's. Siblings. Every job he had, he could only pick apart who mistreated him. Who fired him. It just built up into this huge weight he just carried over his shoulders. It was his dark cloud, that he took everywhere with him. Everything he undertook, he used so much energy carrying it with him.

 

His wife once scolded him for always complaining about his past while we were hanging out (something along the lines if "look--we all have been fucked over, cry me a f-ing river!"), and refusing to see past it, and I already knew I had to leave (dog house material was brewing between them). They were about to have an epic fight (and it was going to be bad, with the long silence he took, before retaliating), where he drilled into her head, his victimized self and how she had to see it vs him putting it behind him.

 

In life as you have realized, nobody will help you. Most will stop giving a damn about you the moment you bear down any weight into their lives and bubbles. You need to learn the tools to grow and help yourself.

 

How I rebuilt myself, is I looked at the mirror and shifted blame off of the world and others. Let go of blame, as it doesn't fix anything. I looked at how to grow. I had zero control of those who f***ed me over, and had put all of my energy onto that all my life. Its where I got the rage, and chip on my shoulder.

 

I ignored others, and focused solely on myself. How do I fix me. How do I grow me. Once I had the energy focused correctly, my life started to change. The 15 Invaluable Laws of Growth is a great read, if you're ready for it. You can apply it however you see fit vs a self-help book. This is you learning to help yourself.

 

You don't have to forgive a person directly. But forgiveness is a powerful tool. This is you letting go of the hold someone holding you down has on you. I honestly was oblivious of the damage my father had done to me that had lingered into my adult life.

 

I forgave some directly, like my father. Others, I just forgave them inside my heart, in letting them go. Truly cleansing my soul of them. Understanding how forgiveness truly works (I.E allowing you to move on--not trying to "make good" with others), is also a powerful tool.

 

In relationships, I picked partners that were just like my father, until I had forgiven him genuinely.

 

Honestly, all of the advice I had gotten, and exasperated teachers talking about my "potential I was wasting" was irrelevant to me, until I was ready to accept the error in my ways. People are irrelevant.

 

Took my best friend a decade longer than me, but he's done a 180 in his life once he had that epiphany.

[Lord Jade Cross]

On 5/18/2020 at 8:57 PM, Perspektiv said:

In life as you have realized, nobody will help you. Most will stop giving a damn about you the moment you bear down any weight into their lives and bubbles.

 

Quote

 

How I rebuilt myself, is I looked at the mirror and shifted blame off of the world and others. Let go of blame, as it doesn't fix anything. I looked at how to grow. I had zero control of those who f***ed me over, and had put all of my energy onto that all my life. Its where I got the rage, and chip on my shoulder.

 

I ignored others, and focused solely on myself. How do I fix me. How do I grow me. Once I had the energy focused correctly, my life started to change. The 15 Invaluable Laws of Growth is a great read, if you're ready for it. You can apply it however you see fit vs a self-help book. This is you learning to help yourself.

 

Quote

 

You don't have to forgive a person directly. But forgiveness is a powerful tool. This is you letting go of the hold someone holding you down has on you. I honestly was oblivious of the damage my father had done to me that had lingered into my adult life.

 

I forgave some directly, like my father. Others, I just forgave them inside my heart, in letting them go. Truly cleansing my soul of them. Understanding how forgiveness truly works (I.E allowing you to move on--not trying to "make good" with others), is also a powerful tool.

 

 

Quote

In relationships, I picked partners that were just like my father, until I had forgiven him genuinely.

 

Quote

 

 

[Epitaph]

13 hours ago, Jade Cross said:

And what would you suggest? Therapy? (Been through 5 already) Positive thinking? (What library and self help book do you want me to scour?) Intervention maybe? (Last time, 7 years ago, I visited one of those religious retreats because my father had supposedly gone in and claimed he was a changed man. They came complete the water works, the "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it" and the "things will be better, I promise"  the whole nine yards. Barely a week in, and shit was at it again)

 

The fact of the matter is that I've done the things people say you should do, I've held onto the beliefs that people claim, eyes closed, that will ever and always, help them, possibly longer that what I should have, and where is the proof that they do?

 

That's kind of my point. People claim that if something doesn't succeed, it's because you're not trying hard enough. But if you do and it still doesn't work, everyone brushes it off as "life sucks, deal with it" but once you start, if it doesn't adhere to their often ludicrous ideas, their at it again with the "just think positive" train. It almost sounds like a religion and I was born and raised in one that works exactly the same.

 

God is perfect, any wrong in the world is caused by your sinful behavior (even if you do no evil to anyone) and any right is caused by the mercy of God who is all loving and all benevolent.

 

So where was his benevolence when I prayed? Where was his mercy when I was crying myself to sleep trying to deal with the crap that came in day in and day out? Where were the people that would claim would have your back but as soon as something went wrong, they just so coincidentally disappeared on you?

 

If what I'm doing is just being only negative as you say, what is the magical answer that will make everything right? because I've certainly gone through the ones at my reach.

 

 

 

Ready for a wall? I can break it down for you piece by piece. All I ask is for honest answers if I happen to ask a question of import. There's no magical answer, but there's steps that lead you to an answer. So here we go.

 

Therapy? No. Positive thinking? Yes, and no. Positive thinking can only get one so far. That and it's impossible to think positive all the time because let's face it, we're all emotional critters with breaking points. But positive thinking does help create mental momentum. But I'm not going to preach to you like the masses that "think positive" mantra. It's a simplified and blindly regurgitated term with hollow meaning. The correct term is to think constructively. I'd like you to stop and think about this. Why was the word problem created? To bring meaning and concept for describing an issue causing us abnormal difficulty. It's counterpart word of course, is solution. There is no problem in existence without a solution. It just has to be found.  So if you want to find a solution, we have to dismantle your life piece by piece and find out what's currently wrong with your life today.

 

So, give me a breakdown of your life as it is today. What do you absolutely hate in your life?(don't say everything, I need specifics) What are the things that are constantly eating at you day by day or pushing your buttons?

 

And, let's think of a hypothetical. Paint me a picture. I want you to imagine for me an ideal life for yourself. If you could wake up one day and have it, what exactly would happen throughout the day that would make you stop and say "yep, I'm happy and satisfied with this life?"

[Guest]

52 minutes ago, Jade Cross said:

On this, we agree.

All the more reason to learn to maximize yourself, and forget about the others who pull you down. 

 

53 minutes ago, Jade Cross said:

I'll find this book and see.

If you value personal growth vs just getting older, then give it a shot. Its otherwise a waste of your time. 

 

54 minutes ago, Jade Cross said:

Let's not get too crazy here.

They don't need to know they were forgiven. You can forgive a person and close them out of your life. That's what I did with my father. I just chose to verbalize the forgiveness to him. 

 

My anger towards him was a dead weight he had forced me to carry. I forgave him and told him to on the last phone call I ever took from him. 

 

"I'm more of a man than you will ever be" as a youth. I was making it clear to myself really, that I wasn't going to follow in his footsteps and wanted to boldly set that tone. He was speechless. I hung up. 

 

Weight gone. His toxicity, gone. The forgiveness was the best thing ever. Telling him he no longer belonged in my life, gave me closure. 

 

Haven't looked back since and did the same to all toxic people in my life. 

 

Holding grudges only adds weight to your soul. Most wasteful use of one's energy. 

 

1 hour ago, Jade Cross said:

Not looking on my end so this would be irrelevant

The point can be applied in any setting in life. People you pick, jobs you subject yourself to. People you gravitate to. All a cumulative domino effect of certain life choices. 

 

I say choices, as circumstances are only an obstacle unless you choose to make it a wall. 

[Lord Jade Cross]

On 5/18/2020 at 9:53 PM, E said:

So, give me a breakdown of your life as it is today. What do you absolutely hate in your life?(don't say everything, I need specifics) What are the things that are constantly eating at you day by day or pushing your buttons?

 

 

Quote

And, let's think of a hypothetical. Paint me a picture. I want you to imagine for me an ideal life for yourself. If you could wake up one day and have it, what exactly would happen throughout the day that would make you stop and say "yep, I'm happy and satisfied with this life?"

 

[Lord Jade Cross]

On 5/18/2020 at 10:52 PM, Perspektiv said:

They don't need to know they were forgiven. You can forgive a person and close them out of your life. That's what I did with my father. I just chose to verbalize the forgiveness to him. 

 

My anger towards him was a dead weight he had forced me to carry. I forgave him and told him to on the last phone call I ever took from him. 

 

"I'm more of a man than you will ever be" as a youth. I was making it clear to myself really, that I wasn't going to follow in his footsteps and wanted to boldly set that tone. He was speechless. I hung up. 

 

Weight gone. His toxicity, gone. The forgiveness was the best thing ever. Telling him he no longer belonged in my life, gave me closure. 

 

Haven't looked back since and did the same to all toxic people in my life. 

 

Holding grudges only adds weight to your soul. Most wasteful use of one's energy. 

 

Quote

 

The point can be applied in any setting in life. People you pick, jobs you subject yourself to. People you gravitate to. All a cumulative domino effect of certain life choices. 

 

 

[Guest]

2 hours ago, Jade Cross said:

I will close them off, think of them as dead

Whatever makes you stop associating any emotions towards them is good in my books. 

 

Holding a grudge, is you trapping this person into your life. Your anger keeps them close to your heart, when you should be moving on. 

 

I grew up around many with some of the most toxic coping mechanisms. 

 

IE silent treatment, grudges, bottling anger, just overall horribly taxing ways to getting over things. 

 

Main reason there were so many fatherless kids in where I grew up, along with abusive relationships.

 

I questioned it as a youth, which is why I distanced myself from it considering this is exactly how I started to cope myself. 

 

I only hang onto healthy relationships in my life. 

 

2 hours ago, Jade Cross said:

I don't pick people

Your aura will have specific people gravitating towards you. Whoever you chat with online or in real life. You will "get along" best with specific people who will reflect where you are at in life. 

 

When I used to be grumpy and negative, I attracted women with low self-esteem (that either self harmed or had major psychological problems), friends that stabbed you I the back and relatives that tried to destroy your life. 

 

I changed my mindset and my confidence scares those people off. I pay no crab minded people any mind. 

 

My best friend got too negative and cynical even for me. Kind of sad, as even his own wife was starting to sound divorce bells. 

 

He would complain to me she didn't want to touch him anymore but I knew anything I said would be picked apart as he wanted to be a victim. He wasn't ready for anything else.

 

Anyone who opposed would be humiliated and picked apart until they considered him as such. 

 

He didn't realize that the past he refused to put behind was keeping him stalled in life.

 

He had a "get them before they get me" mentality based on that past. 

 

What he didn't realize is he had become no different. 

 

Unfortunately for him, he had become toxic so I had to move on from him too. Best decision ever. 

 

What I am happy about is he finally chose to open a business but I knew his nature of being would have him scare off customers or business partners but he had at least taken a step in the right direction.

 

What's worst is he became a deadweight to me and expected me to help and blamed me when I couldn't figure his issues for him. 

 

People like that make me glad I am a loner.

 

Rid yourself of them and it will feel like you have wings. 

[Guest]

Long story. Confidence is a choice. 

 

Just like excuses or anything just about you do in life. 

[Epitaph]

Just want to let ya know I read the response. I just don't have enough time to write all I need to tonight.

[Guest]

16 hours ago, Arodash said:

There is no fate, but what we make.

I had a very heated exchange with my mother as a youth, as I was using my not having a father as an excuse to be reckless. To do drugs, drink and follow people going the wrong path in life.

 

She almost had a delusional like nature to her. She was living in poverty, but carried herself like a wealthy woman. Held her head high. Surrounded by the forgotten, yet routinely witnessing things that never could be. We could only see the circumstances holding us down, hardened by a society that had thrown us out.

 

She could only see the light at the end of the tunnel, fueling her strength to plan her way out.

 

You kind of connected, all her positive actions. Every single one, paving the way for us moving out of the slums.

 

It was meticulous. Down to her discipline. Everything she did, was with succeeding in mind. Best lawn in the neighborhood. Woke up counting her blessings. Wished she could get better on a bad day. Rejected any negativity into her mindset and aura. Anyone pulling her down, was pushed away. She was ascending. Anyone disturbing that energy, couldn't be in her circle.

 

You then realize every single tiny "useless" little habit you develop, is part of it.

 

[Epitaph]

On 5/19/2020 at 6:27 AM, Jade Cross said:

What do I hate? For starters, I hate that for every moment in life that I believed would be a major turning point and one where I would finally be able to achieve what I had spent so much time and effort on, there is always, always something or someone that gets in the way and in one fell swoop brings everything down and I'm left with trying to salvage any of the pieces I can to try and rebuild it from the ground up, if at all possible.

 

Following that same line, I hate that I do twice or more the amount of work and effort into things than those around me but always end up with the short end of things while others sit and complain and like magic, everything falls into their hands.

 

I hate that growing up and for the most part so far of my adult life, rules are only ever so conveniently applied when they are one way. Yet everyone talks their ass out on "fairness" and "equality". 

 

I hate that my efforts growing up in my dysfunctional family were never enough. There was always a "you have to do better" or a "you have to understand" or "you had to do". Everything was always a You have. But noone ever sat down and asked "are you ok with..?" This extended not only on imposed responsibility such as my father telling as a kid, barely the age of 7 "You have to be the man of the house" What kid in their right mind even knows what the hell that implies? My father was just trying to pass his responsibilities to me. 

 

As if that wasn't bad enough, both my parents got on the "you're wrong" train about everything. Every little, insignificant, absolutely imbecilic thing you could think about that didn't have their seal of approval was always met with a "you're wrong". you were wrong if you disagreed with anything they said, you were wrong if you felt anything other than what they said, you were wrong if you did anything other than what they said (which often included a beating or punishment). Everything was always a "you're wrong. You're wrong, you're wrong".

 

Hell when I was suicidal in my teens, do you think my parents stopped and asked me what was bothering me? Do you thing they said "let's try and find a solution?" No. My father threatened me with having me institutionalized in a mental asylum because "that's were crazy people like you belong" words that have been etched in my head since. And if you think my mother played the good parent bad parent game, guess what, she also had her own threat to throw. Hers was saying "if you don't straighten up, I'm going to call the police on you and have you taken away".

 

I was a fucking teen self harming, trying to find a way to cope with everything, especially when previous and healthier forms were regarding again with a "you're wrong" by my parents. And the scars on my body are a reminded of that.

 

 

 

That I wake up and see that there is noone around and that I can be left on my own. No having to see or talk to people. No having to put up with ridiculous social intricacies. That I can wake up, pass the day alone and go back to sleep in peace.

 

So, back on board the train we go. Where to start. 

 

If you already haven't done it, your very first act should be to cut off all contact with your parents immediately. You've already shared your sentiments about trying to help them help themselves to no avail. Sever your connections to them entirely. At least based off what you've explained, with an upbringing like that, I can see two possible flaws in your personality. The first is likely an underlying sub-conscious lack of self confidence. If you're given nothing but negative reinforcement from parents, it will leave a mark. From that inner working you've the potential to unknowingly self sabotage yourself because deep down at the bottom of your brain, your brain believes that it is wrong and a failure.

 

The second possible flaw and pattern that I can identify now is a retaliatory one. It's not necessarily a flaw, but it's a defensive stance you can take when receiving new information. If there is any hint whatsoever within the information that sets off the "you're wrong" buzzer in your head, your brain will probably attempt to block it out because these roots go back to your parents constantly saying "no." You've a need to resist and fight their negative reinforcement(which is natural and fair). But this can block you off from actually potentially learning and taking important steps. Your head won't distinguish between why the "you're wrong" buzzer is going off. It just gets the message and shuts things out almost automatically.

 

"I hate that for every moment in life that I believed would be a major turning point and one where I would finally be able to achieve what I had spent so much time and effort on, there is always, always something or someone that gets in the way and in one fell swoop brings everything down"

 

I'll need a significant example of this, perhaps two. As for commentary on this, here it is. It's natural to be dissappointed or devastated when something we'd had hopes in comes crashing down. That's totally fair. But everything past that? It's irrelevant. Your hatred of those moments is an irrelevant thing. And I'll tell you why. It's simply not needed. Your goal, when you have a goal, should be reaching the goal. The problems that come up along the way to knock it down? Don't invest emotionally in them. Treat them as a puzzle. The goal with any problem is to surpass it so that you can continue on your way. Whatever the details of the problem are actually irrelevant, because the scenario can be summed up into black and white simplicity. You have a problem. There are two options. Solve it or don't. I'd like to share with you a snippet of my life currently for the purpose of showing how this mentality works.

 

Spoiler

Currently my life is in trouble. My sister's husband died at the beginning of May. Not only was he a good friend to me for a long time, but in his wake, I'm left trying to hold the pieces together for my sister and her daughter. I cannot be a husband nor a father to either of them. I can't replace the person missing from their life. And at this critical time of the year, they had plans. They were renovating their house, getting the garden ready. Firewood needs to be cut and water needs to be hauled. I have two months of summer or less to do the firewood by myself when I don't know much on how to operate a chainsaw. So I need to use and axe instead. I need to teach myself how to drive standard so I can haul the water. And the cistern in my sister's basement just recently ruptured. I need to repair it before I can even put water into it. On top of this, I need to do the calculations on their bills, act as a witness for the banks and other institutions to sign everything over to my sister. Right now, I'm dumping all of my paychecks to her because the government paperwork hasn't passed yet and she has no income because she's legally blind.

 

To add more problems onto my list, I'm trapped in a catch 22. My little niece takes figure skating. Working two jobs grants me enough income to help fund her. But with her father being dead, nobody is able to drive her to where she needs to go. So it's either this. Drop my jobs and drive my little niece around, but lose the income to fund her skating, or work my two jobs to fund the skating, but have nobody to drive her. So at this rate, no matter what I choose, I'm not able to help her keep skating. She loses an important facet of her life on top of her father in the same year.

 

To compound these problems. I work dual jobs seven days a week. I work 18 hour days. There's no time to work on my property and build my house. There's no time to haul water or cut firewood for my sister. I'm going to have to drop one of my jobs, which will tank my income and effectively hobble me.

 

To further compound these problems. Yesterday morning, I woke up at four in the morning to go to work. I hit the road, got five kilometers from town and had a flat tire. I was already riding on the spare tire. So I took the flat tire off and walked with it five kilometers back to town. By then the tire shop was open and I had it repaired, got a ride back to my car on the highway, called my boss and said I'd be late, but would still make it for the day. I finished both of my shifts yesterday, came home and crashed.

 

So, what's the conclusion to all of this? Was I stressed during all of this? Am I stressed? Am I angry? No. I'm immensely tired, yes. But my mindset remains what I preach to you up above. These are problems that need to be solved. The goal at the end of the tunnel has to be reached, and therefore I can't and won't let anything stand in my way. And that includes emotion that can hold me back. I'm the only employee at both of my jobs who can have a flat tire in the morning, walk 5k with it and show up to do his job in the day even though he's physically exhausted. Any other person there would have called it quits.

 

It isn't about the problem. It's about the solution and how badly you're willing to fight for it.

 

"I hate that I do twice or more the amount of work and effort into things than those around me but always end up with the short end of things while others sit and complain and like magic, everything falls into their hands."

 

"I hate that growing up and for the most part so far of my adult life, rules are only ever so conveniently applied when they are one way. Yet everyone talks their ass out on "fairness" and "equality"."

 

Preach to the quire. I'm not going to sugarcoat it. Politics and human interaction can be vastly unfair and slanted. It is truthfully disgusting to look at, and on ocassion to put up with it. But it's all irrelevant. If you have a goal and something that you'd like to achieve, then none of these factors matter unless they start to get in your way. When they get in your way, you resolve and end them.

 

"That I wake up and see that there is noone around and that I can be left on my own. No having to see or talk to people. No having to put up with ridiculous social intricacies. That I can wake up, pass the day alone and go back to sleep in peace."

 

I won't sugar coat this one either. That dream life of yours is death. It means that you don't want to do anything with your life. It means that you'd like to die. Or you would in short order if you achieved that state. Without healthy additions to that picture, your ultimate goal in life is actually nothing. Don't get me wrong. Wanting to be alone and do your day in peace isn't an inherently negative trait. But when that's all you have on your list, it becomes a self defeating cycle that leads to suicide. That's the very same cycle I went through before trying to blow the back of my head out with a shotgun.

 

So you're wandering through life with all the garbage from your parents deep inside your head constantly saying you're a failure, and you seemingly have no real goal to strive for. Your dream existence is one in which essentially, your days amount to largely nothing but passing time until death. None of that is your fault. Your parents didn't give you anything to work with. They didn't give you anything to strive for other than refuge. And I won't lie. Society at large is shit. The social aspect and politics coming from most people are needlessly complicated and irrelevant. And, most people will tell you that money and jobs are the key to happiness. And they aren't.

 

I'm going to wrap that up for tonight, and wait for a response on your part, and then we can go from there. You tell me what you think on things.

[Lord Jade Cross]

On 5/21/2020 at 2:34 AM, E said:

 

So, back on board the train we go. Where to start. 

 

If you already haven't done it, your very first act should be to cut off all contact with your parents immediately. You've already shared your sentiments about trying to help them help themselves to no avail. Sever your connections to them entirely. At least based off what you've explained, with an upbringing like that, I can see two possible flaws in your personality. The first is likely an underlying sub-conscious lack of self confidence. If you're given nothing but negative reinforcement from parents, it will leave a mark. From that inner working you've the potential to unknowingly self sabotage yourself because deep down at the bottom of your brain, your brain believes that it is wrong and a failure.

 

Quote

"I hate that for every moment in life that I believed would be a major turning point and one where I would finally be able to achieve what I had spent so much time and effort on, there is always, always something or someone that gets in the way and in one fell swoop brings everything down"

 

I'll need a significant example of this, perhaps two. As for commentary on this, here it is. It's natural to be dissappointed or devastated when something we'd had hopes in comes crashing down. That's totally fair. But everything past that? It's irrelevant. Your hatred of those moments is an irrelevant thing. And I'll tell you why. It's simply not needed. Your goal, when you have a goal, should be reaching the goal. The problems that come up along the way to knock it down? Don't invest emotionally in them. Treat them as a puzzle. The goal with any problem is to surpass it so that you can continue on your way. Whatever the details of the problem are actually irrelevant, because the scenario can be summed up into black and white simplicity. You have a problem. There are two options. Solve it or don't. 

 

 

Quote

 

"That I wake up and see that there is noone around and that I can be left on my own. No having to see or talk to people. No having to put up with ridiculous social intricacies. That I can wake up, pass the day alone and go back to sleep in peace."

 

I won't sugar coat this one either. That dream life of yours is death. It means that you don't want to do anything with your life. It means that you'd like to die. Or you would in short order if you achieved that state. Without healthy additions to that picture, your ultimate goal in life is actually nothing. Don't get me wrong. Wanting to be alone and do your day in peace isn't an inherently negative trait. But when that's all you have on your list, it becomes a self defeating cycle that leads to suicide. That's the very same cycle I went through before trying to blow the back of my head out with a shotgun.

 

Quote

 

So you're wandering through life with all the garbage from your parents deep inside your head constantly saying you're a failure, and you seemingly have no real goal to strive for. Your dream existence is one in which essentially, your days amount to largely nothing but passing time until death. None of that is your fault. Your parents didn't give you anything to work with. They didn't give you anything to strive for other than refuge. And I won't lie. Society at large is shit. The social aspect and politics coming from most people are needlessly complicated and irrelevant. And, most people will tell you that money and jobs are the key to happiness. And they aren't.

  

[Epitaph]

Quote

"should I tell them "go die?

 

Yes. Pardon my dry humor. Onto the reality of things. Your parent and grandparent are adults. If they can't take care of themselves and be responsible adults, this is inevitably their problem, and not yours. People dig their own graves and they need to face up to it sometime. I understand that this is not a black and white scenario however. Psychologically speaking, no matter how well or awful you get along with a parent, no matter if they were totally absent from your life, they leave a mark on your sub-conscious due to the hardwired parent-child bond. And this mark can do a lot of things and manifest for many different reasons.

 

One big potential hurdle is age. It is extremely common during the middle and late ages for kids to get hit with guilt over their parents. Especially concerning death. And I've seen this story play out too many times to count. Even if a kid hated their parents, death or dying can change the rules. Time can change our thoughts and perceptions, and much later down the road when we don't expect it, we can become saddled with the burden of manifesting guilt. This is a potential future risk you face if you abandon your parent.

 

But we also have to look at the risk you face in staying with your parent and how it's affecting your life right now. One of the most psychologically devastating things you can do to a young or middle aged adult is have them live too intertwined with their parents, especially if said parents are trash. The proximity to the parental mold and mental state that made you absolutely warps your mental state and practically infects you. You can only truly see just how much they influence you after you've severed contact for a period of time. Easier said than done does not apply here Cross. This right here should be the very first step you take. Escape your parent. You have to. If you don't, every single effort you ever undertake in your life will fail. Every attempt at self improvement or attaining something of value will fail. I really can't stress that one enough. Your key, your solution, starts with escape and an introduction to what freedom of autonomy is. One of the most important things for any human being is home. A space that's as close to one hundred percent yours as can get. You can never achieve that piece of the equation with a parent involved. Especially if it's their bloody house you live in.

 

Quote

And do you think if I did anyone would understand? Or would they, like moths to the flame, assign me the blame for "not taking care of them"?

Many would likely understand if you told your part of the picture accurately. If anything, I understand one hundred percent that in order for you to actually truly be alive, you have to sever the connection. Whatever blame that comes your way is irrelevant, because this is a scenario about survival. It's you or them Cross. You do not survive as a human being if you remain trapped in your parent's circle. I'd be welling to bet you money that the other major active commentor here, Perspektiv, would vouch for you and my point being made here. Any psychologist or psychiatrist worth their degree would vouch for this.

 

Quote

I'll give you 3.

The sad thing here is, in your first encounter, had you an actual parent that cared, perhaps specifically a father, they could have backed you up and provided support. If they were smart enough, they could even pull off the legalities and maneuvers to either get the people who were doing that shit caught, or out muscle the bribes so you could still get the sponsorship. It's cosmic comedy in a way. You lost not because of your ineptitude, but because of a parent who wanted badly enough for their child to succeed that they gambled on doing something illegal and immoral. It's a twisted form of parental loyalty that you never received, and that is indeed unfair.

 

As for the army, this was a condition truly beyond your ability to control. As I've said before, at the end of the day, all of these things are awful to experience when they're happening, but when they're over, there's no need to stew over them. What's done is done and can't be changed. There was no other possible scenario for you and the army other than rejection, and so therefore, you've no reason to hold emotional attachment to it.

 

As for the third? You fell victim to the great lie of our generation and the monetary trap set out for you by the education system and society at large. "College is life bruh." Your chosen work field was likely over saturated, leaving little room for employment options. As for the actual decision made on which team got picked? I can only speculate. For starters, no matter what anybody ever tells you, personal preference and how much the employer likes you at first sight greatly affects whom gets hired.

 

And the second wonderful trap set by the education system. Overqualification. If an employer has so much of an inkling of somebody being overqualified, they won't take the risk. They don't want workers who will disrupt their system, and they don't want workers who will bounce on the job when they're ready to climb the ladder higher. They want a worker whom is stable. So in many cases these days, people with degrees for their respective fields come across as overqualified. They can't even get hired for their own field. As an employer in our current society, a practiced hiring model is hiring new people over qualified ones, simply because it's incredibly easy to exert control over them, whereas a qualified person is more adept and familiar with the politics that come with the workplace, more able to rock the boat, so to speak.

 

Also, unions are a thing. Union workers and supporters can be some of the most absolutely lazy people on the face of the planet. They won't hire people who want to work. They'll hire people like themselves. And if you do manage to get in and you start working too hard, they'll tell you to stop because you're setting a bad example that the other workers "can't" follow. Personally, I think what got you was overqualification.

 

Quote

apparently mediocrity and idiocy are the conerstones of jobs these days.

Has been for centuries now. But to sum all of this up Cross. You actually haven't failed anything. And those big hits you took with failed jobs and education were the product of a system that was built to fail the people inside of it. It was designed to crush them into debt and trap them. You merely walked into the trap like 90% of the population does, and are currently sitting here now like many people in our generation do, looking at the same end result and despairing. Nobody intelligent ever sat you down early on and showed you the pitfalls to avoid, and so now, we're here.

 

Quote

 I would welcome it with open arms especially if it meant ending this pointless cycle.

This particular cycle can be broken with enough work and calculated moves.

 

Quote

And when I died, noone would be able to tell me "you're wrong"

You can't actually say that. There's zero data on what happens after we die. Be careful of the universe and cosmic jokes. 

 

But to sum it all up for now. You've got to escape your parent. That's what needs to happen. And you need to study what sort of ticks you get from your parents. Especially the sub-conscious ones. If you'd like to know how you spot and alter sub-conscious disorders, ticks, or damage, what you have to look out for is this. Actions or thoughts you make or take without knowing why. And it's in this way that we can reverse how the sub-conscious bleeds through to the waking mind. By studying the actions we can't pinpoint the root of and altering them, we can help repair the damage down at the bottom of our brains.

 

Thoughts?

[Lord Jade Cross]

On 5/21/2020 at 11:04 PM, E said:

 

Yes. Pardon my dry humor. Onto the reality of things. Your parent and grandparent are adults. If they can't take care of themselves and be responsible adults, this is inevitably their problem, and not yours. People dig their own graves and they need to face up to it sometime. I understand that this is not a black and white scenario however. Psychologically speaking, no matter how well or awful you get along with a parent, no matter if they were totally absent from your life, they leave a mark on your sub-conscious due to the hardwired parent-child bond. And this mark can do a lot of things and manifest for many different reasons.

 

One big potential hurdle is age. It is extremely common during the middle and late ages for kids to get hit with guilt over their parents. Especially concerning death. And I've seen this story play out too many times to count. Even if a kid hated their parents, death or dying can change the rules. Time can change our thoughts and perceptions, and much later down the road when we don't expect it, we can become saddled with the burden of manifesting guilt. This is a potential future risk you face if you abandon your parent.

 

But we also have to look at the risk you face in staying with your parent and how it's affecting your life right now. One of the most psychologically devastating things you can do to a young or middle aged adult is have them live too intertwined with their parents, especially if said parents are trash. The proximity to the parental mold and mental state that made you absolutely warps your mental state and practically infects you. You can only truly see just how much they influence you after you've severed contact for a period of time. Easier said than done does not apply here Cross. This right here should be the very first step you take. Escape your parent. You have to. If you don't, every single effort you ever undertake in your life will fail. Every attempt at self improvement or attaining something of value will fail. I really can't stress that one enough. Your key, your solution, starts with escape and an introduction to what freedom of autonomy is. One of the most important things for any human being is home. A space that's as close to one hundred percent yours as can get. You can never achieve that piece of the equation with a parent involved. Especially if it's their bloody house you live in.

 

Quote

 

Many would likely understand if you told your part of the picture accurately. If anything, I understand one hundred percent that in order for you to actually truly be alive, you have to sever the connection. Whatever blame that comes your way is irrelevant, because this is a scenario about survival. It's you or them Cross. You do not survive as a human being if you remain trapped in your parent's circle. I'd be welling to bet you money that the other major active commentor here, Perspektiv, would vouch for you and my point being made here. Any psychologist or psychiatrist worth their degree would vouch for this.

. 

 

 

Quote

 

The sad thing here is, in your first encounter, had you an actual parent that cared, perhaps specifically a father, they could have backed you up and provided support. If they were smart enough, they could even pull off the legalities and maneuvers to either get the people who were doing that shit caught, or out muscle the bribes so you could still get the sponsorship. It's cosmic comedy in a way. You lost not because of your ineptitude, but because of a parent who wanted badly enough for their child to succeed that they gambled on doing something illegal and immoral. It's a twisted form of parental loyalty that you never received, and that is indeed unfair.

.

Quote

 

As for the army, this was a condition truly beyond your ability to control. As I've said before, at the end of the day, all of these things are awful to experience when they're happening, but when they're over, there's no need to stew over them. What's done is done and can't be changed. There was no other possible scenario for you and the army other than rejection, and so therefore, you've no reason to hold emotional attachment to it.

 

Quote

 

As for the third? You fell victim to the great lie of our generation and the monetary trap set out for you by the education system and society at large. "College is life bruh." Your chosen work field was likely over saturated, leaving little room for employment options. As for the actual decision made on which team got picked? I can only speculate. For starters, no matter what anybody ever tells you, personal preference and how much the employer likes you at first sight greatly affects whom gets hired.

 

And the second wonderful trap set by the education system. Overqualification. If an employer has so much of an inkling of somebody being overqualified, they won't take the risk. They don't want workers who will disrupt their system, and they don't want workers who will bounce on the job when they're ready to climb the ladder higher. They want a worker whom is stable. So in many cases these days, people with degrees for their respective fields come across as overqualified. They can't even get hired for their own field. As an employer in our current society, a practiced hiring model is hiring new people over qualified ones, simply because it's incredibly easy to exert control over them, whereas a qualified person is more adept and familiar with the politics that come with the workplace, more able to rock the boat, so to speak.

 

Also, unions are a thing. Union workers and supporters can be some of the most absolutely lazy people on the face of the planet. They won't hire people who want to work. They'll hire people like themselves. And if you do manage to get in and you start working too hard, they'll tell you to stop because you're setting a bad example that the other workers "can't" follow. Personally, I think what got you was overqualification.

 

Quote

 

You can't actually say that. There's zero data on what happens after we die. Be careful of the universe and cosmic jokes. 

 

Quote

 

But to sum it all up for now. You've got to escape your parent. That's what needs to happen. And you need to study what sort of ticks you get from your parents. Especially the sub-conscious ones. If you'd like to know how you spot and alter sub-conscious disorders, ticks, or damage, what you have to look out for is this. Actions or thoughts you make or take without knowing why. And it's in this way that we can reverse how the sub-conscious bleeds through to the waking mind. By studying the actions we can't pinpoint the root of and altering them, we can help repair the damage down at the bottom of our brains.

 

Thoughts?

 

[Epitaph]

Quote

So escaping may be the solution but I fear it will not come as soon as what should be the ideal time. Am I looking for a way out of financial troubles? You bet. But unless I hit the lottery, find an oil deposit or inherit the fortune of some long lost relative, I'm stuck where I am now. 

 

Consider this one then. You say death's not a thing of fear. Then we're at a pretty low point. Low enough that logically speaking, you should fear nothing else. So I pose to you the question, what's to stop you from resetting the clock to zero? Declaring bankruptcy, or doing what I've done a couple times in my own life. Grabbing a backpack and hitting the road to go somewhere else. If death is truly not an issue then starving out on the roads as you try to start over isn't a concern. Abandon all of it and leave if you have to. You're never stuck.

[Lord Jade Cross]

On 5/23/2020 at 3:13 AM, E said:

 

Consider this one then. You say death's not a thing of fear. Then we're at a pretty low point. Low enough that logically speaking, you should fear nothing else. So I pose to you the question, what's to stop you from resetting the clock to zero? Declaring bankruptcy, or doing what I've done a couple times in my own life. Grabbing a backpack and hitting the road to go somewhere else. If death is truly not an issue then starving out on the roads as you try to start over isn't a concern. Abandon all of it and leave if you have to. You're never stuck.

 

[Epitaph]

14 hours ago, Jade Cross said:

This is more of a romanticized  notion of the nomad than anything else. Bankruptcy wouldn't wipe debts clean and allow you to start anew. And unpaid debts will make you a target for the law so you would have to be moving constantly to avoid detection, essentially taking on the life of a criminal to survive. Now that may sound cool if you romanticize it also, like being this badass noone can catch but the novelty will wear off soon enough and you will be back to square one, only in much worse conditions, because you would then have no money to even feed yourself on top of being chased down. Unless you take to thieving for a living.

 

But say I humor the idea for a moment. That I pick up a backpack right this instant and walk out, never to be heard from again and I spend my days out on the streets surviving any way I can. What difference is there between that and what I'm doing now?

 

Ah, I wasn't referring to the romantisized nomadic homeless person. I was referring to actually taking the hard road and starting from zero. Putting your life on the line, hitting the road, and moving somewhere else to start again with nothing. Bankruptcy doesn't wipe the slate clean, true, but it can help. The way I see it, you've two options. Start from zero by leaving everything behind or on pause, or find something where you are where you can make quite a bit of money in large doses. You also have legal options for dealing with the debt as well. If you brushed up on legalities you could find some of the loopholes to either ease off the debt or expunge it. Credit cards, as awful as they are, also make for powerful gambling chips if played right.

 

Do you happen to live in a major city or a small town? Depending on where you are, I can recommend one type of job that can always get you started, and it can generate large doses of money rather quickly. And if you play your cards right, it's under the table. Painting houses. Last year while down in Victoria I helped paint a house. We fell behind our projected timespan, but in two months we made ten thousand dollars. This year I had other work lined up. Interior painting for another house which would total to twenty-five thousand and work on the marinas sanding and varnishing boats for another ten to fifteen thousand.

 

Painting isn't super difficult in itself to learn apart from some important details that can't be missed, and in order to get clients you have to be the pickiest out of everybody else who's gunning for the job. Quality and slightly undercutting your price from the competitors makes a difference in your contracts. Rich folk always need their houses painted. And the neat thing about rich folks is that a lot of them don't give a shit about what prices you charge because they can pay it.

 

The difference between walking out the door and attempting to start from zero is that you're not doing it in the company of parents and a role model that's consistently influencing you in terribly negative ways and making your life a shithole.

[Lord Jade Cross]

On 5/23/2020 at 9:41 PM, E said:

 

Ah, I wasn't referring to the romantisized nomadic homeless person. I was referring to actually taking the hard road and starting from zero. Putting your life on the line, hitting the road, and moving somewhere else to start again with nothing. Bankruptcy doesn't wipe the slate clean, true, but it can help. The way I see it, you've two options. Start from zero by leaving everything behind or on pause, or find something where you are where you can make quite a bit of money in large doses. You also have legal options for dealing with the debt as well. If you brushed up on legalities you could find some of the loopholes to either ease off the debt or expunge it. Credit cards, as awful as they are, also make for powerful gambling chips if played right.

 

Do you happen to live in a major city or a small town? Depending on where you are, I can recommend one type of job that can always get you started, and it can generate large doses of money rather quickly. And if you play your cards right, it's under the table. Painting houses. Last year while down in Victoria I helped paint a house. We fell behind our projected timespan, but in two months we made ten thousand dollars. This year I had other work lined up. Interior painting for another house which would total to twenty-five thousand and work on the marinas sanding and varnishing boats for another ten to fifteen thousand.

 

Painting isn't super difficult in itself to learn apart from some important details that can't be missed, and in order to get clients you have to be the pickiest out of everybody else who's gunning for the job. Quality and slightly undercutting your price from the competitors makes a difference in your contracts. Rich folk always need their houses painted. And the neat thing about rich folks is that a lot of them don't give a shit about what prices you charge because they can pay it.

 

The difference between walking out the door and attempting to start from zero is that you're not doing it in the company of parents and a role model that's consistently influencing you in terribly negative ways and making your life a shithole.

 

[Epitaph]

3 hours ago, Jade Cross said:

I figured the parental absence. Does painting really pay that well though?

It all depends on the type of painting and what you're painting, and your clientel. For instance, plenty of houses along the coastline of british columbia need painting. Some of the houses are antiques, and a fair portion are middle/upper class. People will easily shell out a few thousand for smaller jobs, and more than a few are willing to go much higher. But come on down over to Saskatchewan, where there's just as many houses in need of painting, and you'll find a rare person willing to shell out a couple hundred dollars, making that sort of endevour out here worthless. Painting pays very well if you're in the right locale for it and you develop the necessary skill and patience for it. As a painter, your target should always be the upper to mid class.

 

Painting's not the only route. The real key for making leveragable amounts of money is and will always be self-employment. A study of the market and what your locale is capable of, and finding a service that people may want or need. When I used to do my stints of homeless wandering, a quick tool I always used was yard maintainence. Loads of people hate taking care of their yards. Charge twenty dollars for lawn mowing and basic cleanup. Do five lawns over the course of several hours and you have yourself a hundred dollars faster than spending an entire day working some shit job. Now let's imagine that you did this seven days a week as you spread out to the suburbs and made one hundred dollars every day from growing clientel. That's seven hundred in a week minus taxes since it's all under the table. It's incredibly easy to multiply this sum much higher.

 

To some degree, it's not even necessarily about how much you make per hour. It's about how you spread your name and how quickly you can access one job to the next. For instance, in Quebec, a big killer is chimneys, since many of the old infastructure has chimneys. It takes one hour tops to clean a chimney. If you charge 40 dollars per chimney(which was the average cost about four decades ago, the cost today is much higher due to inflation) you could easily walk off with five to seven hundred a day.

 

Find a niche in the market and fill it. 

[communityabed]

On 5/16/2020 at 4:16 PM, Jade Cross said:

No. All I wanted as a kid, and we'll into early adulthood was for my parents to stop their constant bickering and fighting. All you would hear day in and day out we're fights and arguments.

 

As a kid I thought that I could have fixed that. I behaved at all times (not that this would have been the only reason as I would have gotten beating for not living to their ridiculous expectations of the trophy child. A problem that persists to this day. Except that now I can fight back), did things to support them, even when I knew or felt it was wrong. The amount of stress was unbearable. I thought I had to balance out both their temperaments and resolved their issues, and trust me I tried for a very,very  long time.

 

But as the years passed and I came to see how painfully obvious it was that nothing I did ever fixed anything, it slowly started to make me care less and less, especially when this not only extended to them but to my own issues and how my parents were basically a teenage couple with a kid definition in how the handled things.

 

I could think up 3 different scenarios in my head when they only had barely one, was calculative when they were emotional and all over the place and guess what, usually what I said would happen, did happen, to the letter. It felt like I had to be the parent and they the child. A reality that still repeats itself even today. 

 

So trying? Hoping and yearning with all I've got that I could finally have a family that wasn't going at each other's throats? Yea, I've come from that idea and it did not work, for years. I'm now a little too old and too cynical to think in such a naive way anymore. I saw the reality of things for what they were. Effort and desire can really only get you so far. There are things you simply cannot change in life no matter how hard you try, how far you go, and much you yearn for it with everything you've got or the time you invest.

 

I'll be lucky if I don't repeat their same mistakes, I don't intend to either. After all, I am their biggest one.

 

Wow this was like relieving my childhood. My earliest memories involve my parents fighting. I think I was anxious most times trying not to do anything that would upset my Mum and set her off fighting. I realize only now that she must have had a very bad case of untreated BPD. But when I was a kid I always thought she was in the wrong starting fights. I would end up taking my Dad's side, always a terrible thing for a kid to have to choose sides. She would throw utensils at Dad or scratch him. I feel awfully guilty talking about my Mum this way, she needed help. But it scarred me. I think I have BPD myself now. I would pray at night to God that "Please God let Mummy and Daddy not fight". As time went on I realized nothing had changed. Then I would think if they hate each other so much why don't they just divorce so that all of us can have peace of mind.

I understand how you feel. It's easy for others to say that everything is in our hands. But when one goes through traumatic events in childhood, it can take decades to recover.

[Aquatic Paradox]

In my experience, a change of physical environment seems to work a lot better as a self-help tool than cheesy self-help books. 

[Guest]

20 minutes ago, communityabed said:

But when one goes through traumatic events in childhood, it can take decades to recover.

You can't use the trauma as a crutch.

 

Mike Tyson's got to have one of the most heartbreaking childhoods I have ever heard of. Took him a lifetime, to stop making excuses for his past. To gain control over his destructive vices. His anger management issues, based on his environment. Seeing that man crying on camera based on where he's from, showcased truly how far he had come.

 

Ultimately, it will stunt your growth as an adult no question but the choice to grow, is a choice in itself. The choice to break a cycle. Again--a choice.

 

Its just like someone like Chris Brown using his abusive father, as a crutch for beating Rhianna. He chose to hit her. Period. To me, someone blaming their past, will never take ownership of their own present (or future), and will more than likely strike you again. Them getting anger management, will as a result be because they have to. Not because they fully understand the gravity of their mistake, as well as know that they must change this behavior, meaning looking at oneself very honestly.

 

Its not easy for me to say, simply because I come from a broken home and grew up in the city slums. I had the trauma from parents infighting having to pick sides, to the trauma of my environment. You know, witnessing a friend getting stabbed at 7, or something like your sex worker neighbor (totally oblivious of what they did for a living due to young age) who greeted you every day being beaten a whisker from death. Her blood curdling screams, as she screamed for help, lived with me for years. I could write a book on my traumatic childhood. Don't even get me started on the gang violence I had to witness on a regular basis. Honestly, hearing a baseball bat crack someone's skull wouldn't have me bat an eyelid since a very young age.

 

I had to look into a mirror, because I was truly messing my life up. Not to blame my deadbeat father. Not to blame my mother for allowing me to grow up in a very violent neighborhood. But to look at myself. No excuses. No bullshit. I had to look my own shortcomings in the face. Where did *I* go wrong? How do *I* get better.

 

Hats off to the OP for having that candid conversation with himself. This showcases he is ready for growth. I don't honestly think you can be that real with yourself, until you hit rock bottom. I hit rock bottom in my life I guess luckily, as a youth.

 

Only when I had that "real" talk with myself in the mirror, did my mentality change. I didn't want to become a statistic like some of my friends unfortunately had, so I needed to make choices, and quick.

 

I chose at a young age, that I wouldn't be my father. It literally was an obsession of mine, to constantly grow myself and improve myself (still is)--he's still stuck in his second childhood. Honestly hasn't changed one bit.

 

The saying rings true. You can add your own percentage to it, but life is 20% of what happens to you -- 80% on how you choose to react to it.

 

Maybe I'm business minded. Life hands me lemons, I can think of about 30 different things that I could make with them, to give back and never let my character die. The world has tried to crush who I am from when I was crawling.

 

Learning to channel my rage into motivation, was the best thing I have done for myself.

[ThePoint]

@Perspektiv What if it's not about making excuses or the like? I am like you in that traumatic events seem to have made me stronger rather than the other way (though note also I didn't have it as hard as you portray), but I met many people like the OP, who are just as smart and hard-working, and who did attempt all sorts of typically recommended self-help methods, yet still cannot overcome their problems. I am not saying the issue doesn't lie in the mindset, but I also don't believe that the mind is separate from the body. So what if there is something in people like you and me that people like the OP simply don't have? If that's true, then no amount of talking will help them. What we need to do, is to find out what makes this difference and then try to somehow help them compensate for it.