Why are you here?

[cato]

I'm curious because I've seen so many different responses to people's asexuality on here.  Some people are confident in their asexuality and have no regrets; other people struggle to reconcile competing aspects.  Some people have no desire to "fit in" anywhere; others want a community.  Why are you on AVEN?  What brought you here?  Why do you stay?  (I deliberately didn't make a poll because I figured any responses I supplied wouldn't capture much nuance.  Someone who wants to feel less alone are confident in themselves, but enjoy talking to other people who get it; other people might want community for reassurance that they aren't abnormal.)

 

For me, I found this site (pre-dating this account) in college because I felt like a freak, and I wanted reassurance that I wasn't abnormal.  I also really think I wanted to find somewhere for someone to say that it was reversible.  I wanted nothing more than to be "normal", honestly.  The diversity of the asexuality spectrum was painful to learn about, because I realized I was on the farthest reaches of it and envied demi and romantic people horribly.  I remember quietly leaving because a member who was confident and proud of their identity snapped at me for asking about cures (or something that effect).  It was too painful for me to remain in a community where so many people found comfort in an identity I wanted nothing more than to reject.

 

Nine years later, I'm here because ...  I'm asexual.  It's me.  It's not changing anytime soon.  It does not make me an inhuman sociopath.  I live my life. So AVEN is just nice to have other people who get it.  There's really nothing more to it than that.  I derive the same satisfaction from reading anonymous people post on the nyc reddit about how their lives have changed under quarantine.  I don't know them, we have nothing in common except for posting on the same forum, but man, I get it.  It's nice to read a post and be all "hey, I feel that, too!"

[Lord Jade Cross]

At first, because I was frustrated as hell that I had never been able to find answers to my questions and had been going through a tough time trying to understand myself and others when it came to sex.

 

In my previous attempts, all I would find was people mocking me because who didn't know everything there was to no about sex and hadn't had tons of it right? Wrong; and my time here has shown me that even to most self proclaimed "ready at any moment" have their own quirks and reservations and things that they absolutely will not do. Imagine my surprise at this.

 

As for what keeps me, I'm still learning and discovering about myself. Sometimes the label asexual doesn't cover all bases and I've been leaning to use it less and less. Sometimes it seems I may not be accepted at all but considering that the possibility that someone comes along that can help me.disprove that, well it may just never be tested

[Janus the Fox]

2011 was a Big Crunch time for my mental health and sexual identity, 2015 more so for my gender.  I’ve had all questions resolved over those big four years and doing so, AVEN has become a way of life to me, seems as natural to me and wanted to give back in a few ways.  I’m still here today and I’m not likely to go anywhere after 9 years membership, 3rd year as staff and 10,000 posts 😛

[HikaruBG]

Because, I can't help it... literally.

You have no idea how many times have I thought on of leaving the asexual community and asexuality as a whole, just log out once  and for all from this account and move on.

But then, where else am I supposed to go? There is no other community or a fandom that I really feel like fitting in (this is why when it comes to any product like a manga/anime/video game/ect., I really prefer to enjoy it on my own), so I always am bound to return here.

Do I like it? No. Maybe this is because of the whole Reddit/Twitter/whatever shtick going around, I have been feeling even more alienated by the asexual community in those last months.

Spoiler

Originally, I created this account way back in 2016 but then I left it like that because I wasn't sure. It wasn't until 2019 when I became more active and confident with my comments because prior to that, I spent 2 years lurking around and reading threads (some of which were very old).

 

[Zagadka]

Honestly, mainly for socialization, ideally with people who I had at least something in common with. I found a very great community. I've been able to think over my sexuality, gender, and many other things here and have come to positive conclusions. The AVEN community has been good for my life, and with this lockdown for my sanity. It is a social, emotional, and mental support group that helps me feel connected to other people, and that helps.  A lot.

[LeChat]

I like coming here for socialization and community; there aren't many people my age, in my area, particularly, single people who aren't interested in dating or having children. The meet-ups I've seen all have middle-aged people who are married and have families or their singles group is middle-aged adults who are divorced.

 

Plus, there's the whole political thing; it's not easy to find like-minded people in my area who are accepting of LGBT+ people, atheists, POC, etc.

[Homer]

Got thrown away by my then best friend because of romance. Was confused about romance. Still am confused about romance.

 

Not interested in "labels" though. 

[letusdeleteouraccounts]

I discovered the site August of 2017 where I discovered asexuality and decided I was asexual. I liked the community and knowing that I wasn’t the only asexual but I never thought of making an account until December that year. My first post was on another post in August of 2018 with me honestly being non binary-phobic and not understanding why somebody was contemplating their gender. I “deleted“ it immediately, realizing that I needed to do research before I made comments like that.

 

I would spend hours upon hours on the internet trying to understand different concepts of the ace community and the queer community as a whole. This, in turn, made me highly more engaged with AVEN because I was gaining the knowledge to be able to help other people and interact without ignorance. I bought an ace ring to show my commitment and love for the ace community and I continued to stay on here up to this day because I enjoy helping people out as well as debating the concepts.

 

Around January this year, I decided to be on AVEN less so I could focus on school. That didn’t really work out because of mental health issues so I became somewhat more active 2 months later. I’m just not nearly as active as I used to be though because I don’t have the energy to be answering the “Am I Asexual?” 10 times a day

[Firefly8]

I don't feel different or broken here. There are people here I can relate to on this aspect of myself. That's a very rare thing for aces and aros because there aren't many of us out there.

[Iam9man]

Found a lot of answers here and made some good friends in the process 😊

[what the face]

I drop in from time to time, usually taking in and not creating content.

When my response might add to or give another view to a topic I join in.

 

Issues and situations, life really, 

perceived thru varied Asexual gaze(s).

   This is why I am here 

[Guest]

2 hours ago, HikaruBG said:

Because, I can't help it... literally.

You have no idea how many times have I thought on of leaving the asexual community and asexuality as a whole, just logging out once  and for all from this account and moving on.

But then, where else am I supposed to go? There is no other community or a fandom that I really feel like fitting in (this is why when it comes to any product like an manga/anime/video game/ect., I really prefer to enjoy it on my own), so I always am bound to return here.

Do I like it? No. Maybe this is because of the whole Reddit/Twitter/whatever shtick going around, I have been feeling even more alienated by the asexual community in those last months.

  Hide contents

Originally, I created this account way back in 2016 but then I left it like that because I wasn't sure. It wasn't until 2019 when I a became more active and confident because prior to that, I spent 2 years lurking around and reading threads (some of which were very old).

 

It's weird, I've liked some anime/manga/videogame/etc. fandoms for decades now and I still feel like an outsider. In fact, I never felt like an insider, and I even did videos, blogging and stuff for a while, I do cosplay etc. but I don't think I've ever been an insider *despite seemingly doing everything other fans do*, it's always like I'm missing something. And then I feel like a fake fan, like I wasn't born for it? Except when I give myself time to breathe I realize the interests are still there and I'm often happier enjoying them on my own. Maybe I'm a fake member of the community lol.

 

I've known these forums for a while but I was so sex/sexuality/sexual identity-repulsed I didn't feel like joining until rather recently, at which point I said "well maybe I am getting old and should accept the ace life". Maybe I'll feel the urge to run away soon as I always do lol.

 

Maybe, the fact that people get quite personal in anonymous and it's deeply relatable is why I keep posting/lurking these days. Besides that, forums are fun.

[Ace_SouthAfrica_87]

I'm here because I find people who have had similar experiences that I have. I got to understand what has affected the way I am. I feel interactions from the members are mostly positive. No-one has ever disagreed with my ideas or thoughts. So perhaps someone just spoiled the experience for you. I am sorry that someone questioned you for not taking pride in your asexuality. I also felt like why can't I be normal either in the beginning, but since then I have grown more comfortable in my own skin. 

 

I have goals in my life. If I don't succeed in those goals I won't be upset about it. Thinking you can reverse asexuality could cause a bit of conflict, but I find your theory valid. I personally think I could be borderline heterosexual, but I understand my mental challenges in this regard. The saying "I think therefor I am" could be the most adequate way to describe most. The what we think and how we think make us who we are. I am interested to learn more about chemicals in the brain that influences our thoughts.  

 

Mentioning the chemical make-up in our brains. I can confidently say that not one person on this planet thinks exactly the precise same things and that we are all unique. To help you with whatever is bothering you I can only recommend doing research and find factors that has influenced your live from as far back as what you can remember and try and encourage yourself with positive energy.

 

I can't answer why each person here keeps returning to AVEN. But I personally try and listen to problems others struggle with and to try and give my advice to try and make them understand themselves better without labeling them or hurting their feelings. I also share my own problems here that I simple cannot figure out with the help of research. Ever since I have joined I have developed an interest in psychology and perhaps I should consider it as a new career path. 

 

Thanks for your question. I hope some of what I wrote can help you or encourage you or just make you feel better.

 

Peace, Love and Respect.

[ShrimpyShiro]

I'm here because I just generally love being part of a community, and especially a forum. All the inside jokes between the mods, the influx of newbies asking the same questions, the forum-specific memes   But there are only a few communities on the internet that I actually feel part of, and AVEN is one of them. All of them, actually, because I don't go out of my way to find forums.

 

And I also stay 'cause, you know, I intend to be well-known on this site as "that shrimp person" and I'm not leaving until long after that.

Spoiler

 

 

[Phantasmal Fingers]

3 hours ago, cato said:

Why are you on AVEN?

Because I enjoy going to meetups and have made friends doing so. Not possible in lockdown I'm afraid, but until then there's the website. The site is very interesting on its own terms, particularly the pm conversations that can develop, but for me it's mainly about meeting people and spending time with them. 🙂

[Guest]

I came here for info, perusing for a couple of weeks, and then I decided to make an account because I enjoy being part of a community. I like the topics discussed, as repetitive as they can be at times, floating among people I can relate to, and the possibility of making friends with those I share interests with.

And forums are fun.

[Grey-Ace Ventura]

I originally thought I was ace because I confused having dysphoria about my genitals with not wanting sex. That led to a lot of repressing, and thinking I was a lesbian. When I figured out that I have dysphoria and I'm trans, it still took me a little while to figure out and accept that I'm actually gay. I stay anyway because AVEN has helped me to figure myself out and it's the most judgement-free and accepting place I've found, I could bring up the weirdest problem / thing in the world and someone would answer or relate to me. I could also just make a post because I want some movie recommendations or something. There are also places like the trans threads where I can go and muse and rant with other trans people. I also like helping out other AVENites, whether it's sexuality or gender related, or a completely unrelated problem.

[Larkaloke]

Like a lot of people I joined originally when I was still figuring myself out - or perhaps more accurately figuring out what was so different about most people - but if that was the only reason I was sticking around I would've left at least last year (prior to that this was the only place I was out as being agender, so that would've been important enough for me to stick around no matter what). But this is the only truly active forum that I have left, and I like forums. They're my preferred means of communicating with people on the internet. They move at a pace that I'm comfortable with. Chats go too quickly and I have a hard time keeping track of conversations on social media. People talk about a lot of different things here, so I can find the conversations that I'm interested in.

 

I also figure it doesn't hurt to stick around and potentially answer questions or give my perspective on things.

[Rosendust]

Spoiler

I was here when I had my first relationship(in college when I was 21, and it went sour(not because of me specifically but due to his actions). and I wanted to know why) & I was able to find out about who I truly am and met some awesome people along the way who were kind and help me find my way). It's always nice to find somewhere you belong on the internet) 

 

[ryn2]

I first came here (from fandom) in 2013, to try to figure out some things about myself.  I came back in early 2018 (and made an account and started contributing) to try to salvage a relationship.

 

While I’m no closer to figuring myself out and that relationship has since failed, I’m still here because I’ve learned a lot and because there are people here I’ve come to care about.

[SithLord]

I found this site when questioning my identity and lingered to get answers and to understand this was how I truly felt and that I wasn't lying to myself or misinterpreting feelings. I wanted to be sure of myself and wanted to be comfortable IDing as ace, and stayed to make sure I wasn't misappropriating the label. Then I stayed for relationship advice and general emotional health.

 

But I keep coming back for socialization. I've gone long periods of time without being on AVEN, and the reason I'm on so often now is because my work. Once my work changes and I have a more active social life offline again, I might go back to being scarce. I need a place to rant about controversial stuff and to talk at an academic level of things unrelated to work sometimes. And just speaking/using English relaxes me to no end, after I go all day listening to only Japanese (especially in quarantine) or low-level English with only the internet keeping me sane. 

[Skycaptain]

I was introduced to the concept of asexuality indirectly through my doctor, a counselling service gave me the AVEN website, and the rest, as they say, is history. It took a few months to settle in, but here's a community I identify with. 

[ClaryFray1984]

I joined because I found somewhere that I feel normal. I'm terrified of being alone for the rest of my life. But at least here I can talk to other people.

This has actually made me feel quite sad.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

CHAOS.

[Balance]

I can't believe I've only had an account here for a little over a year. It seems to be so much longer.  Like torturously longer....  So I'm assuming I learned of Ace terms and this forum a few months before last year at this time.

 

Being asexual is one of the few terms/words that I truly identify as. Really, most other words to me are just gibberish in comparison, as far as having substantial meaning to them.

 

As for Aven, it's not just the ace topics, this forum seems to have plenty of other topics too, so it seems like a decent forum. I'd never heard of Ace before, but I also had never heard of stuff like aromantic, gray, gender issues, trans stuff, etc. So just with that kind of stuff it's been educational. And just reading/writing on this forum helps me to understand the world a little better, decoding what people are saying I guess. Or sometimes I'm just killing time, doing some creative writing..

 

I check the Ace reddit occasionally and maybe there are too many pictures, but I've never really settled in there. A few others like: Asexual Agenda has some good stuff and Slice of Ace for a video, but there isn't really anyplace else for me I guess. And I've never met another Ace in person unfortunately, so this is all I have.

[IceQueenn]

Because I'm trying to find asexual friends.

[Acela]

I joined this community because everyone I know irl either 1) doesn't know what asexuality is, 2) knows but denies its existence, 3) knows and believes it but the three people I've told don't actually believe that I'm ace to begin with, simply because I got married before I figured out what I really was. 

 

Aside from people around me, I seek conversation with someone who actually believes and understands what I'm going through.

 

Virtual friendships with like-minded people who wouldn't aim to get in your pants are greatly appealing to me at this stage of my life. I can be myself, say what I want on the matter, and know for sure that they can believe/relate. 

[Strange But Not a Stranger]

I registered here because I thought I had finally figured it out. I was asexual. I had been lurking here for a while, reading up on stuff, and it made me feel less alone.
Then at some point I thought, nope, this label doesn't fit. No label feels like it really, really fits. So I decided to ditch labels altogether. I do relate to a lot of ace stuff though, so that's why I am still hanging around. Having a sense of community is nice.

[DarkStormyKnight]

Personally I knew about the site for ages before I actually joined, tipping point was when I got out of a bad (mixed) relationship and realized that ace positivity was helping my mental health a lot and having a strong ace community was something that I was lacking. I'm still here because I figure if anything like that happens again it'll help to have these bonds in place and it's a good way to give back to the community a little and help others. Personally I'm very confident about my asexuality (less so about my romantic/gender orientation) so trying to explore the less confident sides of myself and help others become confident about their asexuality!

[HikaruBG]

On 5/10/2020 at 11:59 PM, Hanas said:

It's weird, I've liked some anime/manga/videogame/etc. fandoms for decades now and I still feel like an outsider. In fact, I never felt like an insider, and I even did videos, blogging and stuff for a while, I do cosplay etc. but I don't think I've ever been an insider *despite seemingly doing everything other fans do*, it's always like I'm missing something. And then I feel like a fake fan, like I wasn't born for it? Except when I give myself time to breathe I realize the interests are still there and I'm often happier enjoying them on my own. Maybe I'm a fake member of the community lol.

Spoiler

 

Yeah, it's kind of weird. I mean, yes, you are right, it's the same interests (say, like we like the same video game) but there still would be a difference between what I'm focusing on and what they are focusing on.

 

For example, I would be focusing on things like the lore, the story, the world building while they would be focusing on the characters for example... and with the cases where there are female characters and maybe fanservice, it can be downright creepy at times. I tend to cringe a lot for that reason whenever I visit the fandom.

Don't get me wrong, it's like I don't like the characters themselves (I do) but the thing is, in my case it's nowhere near on that level. The characters aren't the main reason why I like the product.