DouGaTroN Posted May 8, 2020 Share Posted May 8, 2020 Hi new to the forum looking to understand and comprise better for my marriage about asexuality. First off my wife feels like she is on the spectrum of asexuality. For lack of a better term she has not been confirmed asexual don't know if there is a questionaire for it? I do not wish to offend anyone as I am seeking knowledge and understanding. As a couple we are useing what copeing skills and instincts we have. I'm very verbal and physically affectionate this is difficult for my wife and I as we both express and show love differently. She doesn't even find me attractive anymore as we have been arguing alot. I am feeling like I am unloved that being said we do love each other very much and have a son together. Any suggestions or literature on this subject would be much appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere Posted May 8, 2020 Share Posted May 8, 2020 28 minutes ago, DouGaTroN said: For lack of a better term she has not been confirmed asexual don't know if there is a questionaire for it? Asexuality is not "diagnosable", for reasons such as it not being a disorder. If someone feels that the term describes them well and there are no reasons to believe that they are operating on a misunderstanding of asexuality (for example, some people believe that asexuality means not finding anyone sexually attractive while still desiring sex), it's enough to trust their self-knowledge and consider them asexual. But yes, there is a questionnaire. The Asexual Identification Scale. It is supposedly quite accurate. I personally consider it too obvious - as far as I know, psychometry is most useful when the subject doesn't know what exactly is being tested. But I started looking at it in a different way when I read an interesting fact, mentioned in this text about the possible real number of asexuals: Quote In coming up with the questions for this quiz, they compared the 176 asexual participants to 716 non-ace participants, recruited off of Craigslist / psychology research websites / their university study pool. Of those, 4% scored above 40. This could be read as the false positive of the test. I would like to offer a counter proposal: This is closer to the baseline rate of asexuality in the general population. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem like anybody else has given this survey to a large random sample group. Interestingly, when I have been to an organisatory meeting of the Polish asexual association Asfera, they said that they want to do exactly such a project: to try this survey on a large random group. This would be very interesting, I just don't believe that asexuals make up only 1% of society. Link to post Share on other sites
Sinking_In Posted May 8, 2020 Share Posted May 8, 2020 @DouGaTroN I get it. I was in this same spot almost a year ago: So many problems can arise from what is essentially a sexless mixed marriage. Most people would consider a sexless marriage a symptom of other problems, fix those, and sex will follow. Unfortunately, that is not really the case when one person is asexual. Only your wife can identify/ define herself, but if she doesn't crave sex at all, and is only having sex with you when she feels some level of love and romantic attraction, then she is likely gray-asexual/ demiromantic, possibly demisexual. I'd suggest reading other stories here, together. That way both of you get a better understanding of how the other feels. When I understood that my wife was asexual, and that we just think entirely differently about sex, things became clearer for me, and I was less upset. Just like things became clearer to her when she realized my sexual desires were quite normal and to be expected, and she became more sympathetic to my frustration. In the end, we realized neither of us were happy compromising in terms of sex, me having little to no sex, and her willingness to have it once or twice a year, so we opened the marriage. It isn't for everyone, and with it comes all new complications, but in the short term it's working, because I can finally express myself sexually, and she is no longer pestered for it. The pressure is off of BOTH of us, and we're a lot happier as a couple. I hope this helps! Link to post Share on other sites
DouGaTroN Posted May 8, 2020 Author Share Posted May 8, 2020 Interesting no where girl ya kinda thought that diagnosed didn't fit. Sounds more like a emotional identification veiw of sex . We live in a society that wants to diagnose or categorize; for explaination purposes I used confirmed. Also sinking in thanks for the empathy. Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted May 8, 2020 Share Posted May 8, 2020 2 hours ago, DouGaTroN said: I'm very verbal and physically affectionate this is difficult for my wife and I as we both express and show love differently. She doesn't even find me attractive anymore as we have been arguing alot. I am feeling like I am unloved that being said we do love each other very much and have a son together. So... my take is that it’s best not to get too wrapped up in “asexuality” as a concept, but to focus more on each other as individuals: how you express love, feel loved, and how you experience sexuality, both right now and throughout your lives: arousal, desire, fantasies, and whether sex itself is pleasurable. It’s normal to feel unloved when sexually rejected. I’ve found it helpful to think about the “love languages” idea and that different people have different instinctive ways they express and experience being loved. It’s easier to change expression — so if you love someone, you pay attention to what makes them feel loved. Many women have a pattern of sexuality, especially in long term relationships, of “responsive desire”. I think this has a lot of conceptual overlap with “asexuality” and it’s worth learning about it. Arguments might indeed disrupt someone’s ability to feel sexual desire and response. Or it can be an explanation that turns out not to be the “whole” issue. One important “take home” with the idea of “asexuality” is the observation that one’s sexuality is an enduring part of ourselves, not something we can deliberately change, not to be pathologized. I think in relationships, a couple needs to seek for both partners to feel loved for who they are. Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted May 8, 2020 Share Posted May 8, 2020 As an addendum, my spouse (cismale) identifies as asexual, previously as bisexual. He definitely has no spontaneous desire, no fantasies, very little desire for specific acts when in the moment (mostly “this feels good” and “that doesn’t feel so good but it’s ok with me”). And he used to feel stressed by me flirting with him. But he can respond sexually when I initiate (I always initiate) and says it felt good, and I’ve paid more attention to what contexts are good for him (vs. stressful because he’s not able to get “in the mood”) — so it has a lot of resemblance to “responsive desire”. I think it’s important to accept that this is how he is, even though it makes me sad that he doesn’t “want” me the ways I “want” him, I love him for who he is. Link to post Share on other sites
DouGaTroN Posted May 9, 2020 Author Share Posted May 9, 2020 I have to ask for sex if I flirt or initiate the social interaction is lost in translation. She once told me she cringes inside when I ask for sex. She can enjoy the physical sensation during she is without desire of me sexually speaking. Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted May 9, 2020 Share Posted May 9, 2020 2 hours ago, DouGaTroN said: I have to ask for sex if I flirt or initiate the social interaction is lost in translation. She once told me she cringes inside when I ask for sex. She can enjoy the physical sensation during she is without desire of me sexually speaking. Oof that’s not great. I mean, basically I’ve gone to going very explicit, but my spouse doesn’t cringe — maybe should find out why she feels that? Maybe a sense of obligation or pressure to respond positively? Link to post Share on other sites
DouGaTroN Posted May 9, 2020 Author Share Posted May 9, 2020 Thank you for your support everyone. My wife talked to a friend who also identifys as asexual . Evidently my wife feels as though something was wrong with her when I would pose questions. She claims I'm misrembering the cringe qoute and yet doesn't recall what she said. We had a long talk tonight she says she has sex with me because she loves me I say thank you and tell her I love you too. If I pose further questions ex.obligstion ECT. she just would repeat it over and over? Perhaps she feels shame ? Her friend told her there is nothing wrong with her. I never implied that this was the case that she was wrong perhaps it's how she feels? In fact I just said it's how she is and was born. I've always had a strong libido I always figured we just didn't match up sex drive wise. Which is true just feels like it's on another level. Hearing her say she identifys as asexual answers the same argument we have had for 12 years together now. Woke up in the middle of the night thought I would share. Link to post Share on other sites
Sinking_In Posted May 10, 2020 Share Posted May 10, 2020 19 hours ago, DouGaTroN said: I've always had a strong libido I always figured we just didn't match up sex drive wise. Which is true just feels like it's on another level. It is on a whole different level than mixed libidos, actually. It's the difference of having one, and not having one at all. It would take great effort on her part to try and have some semblance of one, just as it would take great effort on your part to stymie your own. That's something most people could not keep up. It will eventually be forgotten or wear you both out, mentally and emotionally. That's what I saw first-hand in my situation. Everyone reaches that point, no matter what the subject, when it comes to doing things we really have no desire to do. In many cases the desire to make a lover happy overrides the desire to avoid sex, entirely. There eventually comes a time were pleasing a lover becomes much less important, and the lover is left feeling hurt, confused, rejected, etc. I'm glad you realize (and hope she does, too), that there's nothing wrong with her, but that you just have different needs when it comes to sex. I hope you can work it out in a way that works for both of you, but it's going to take one or both of you compromising, and sticking to that compromise as permitted. Link to post Share on other sites
SithLord Posted May 11, 2020 Share Posted May 11, 2020 On 5/9/2020 at 5:35 AM, DouGaTroN said: For lack of a better term she has not been confirmed asexual don't know if there is a questionaire for it? There is not. You cannot be "confirmed" to be any sexual orientation. Performing sexual acts does not make you one orientation over another. The only way to "confirm" your asexuality is to do so yourself after some introspection and a lot of thinking about how you feel and what you wat. On 5/9/2020 at 5:35 AM, DouGaTroN said: I'm very verbal and physically affectionate this is difficult for my wife and I as we both express and show love differently. How does she show love? Have you talked about expressing each others love languages more often? My partner is very physical and I try to be physically affectionate (not always succeeding) back, and I'm much more communicatative and have asked he tries to talk more (he has <3). We also ask each other all the time if something is wrong and how to fix it or help. On 5/9/2020 at 9:01 AM, DouGaTroN said: I have to ask for sex if I flirt or initiate the social interaction is lost in translation. My partner has to ask for sex as well. I don't get subtle signals he used to try and send. And if he tries to initiate in the "normal" way, I would pull away since I don't like the normal foreplay stuff that leads to sex. I have to be in the mental space for it to not make me cringe. (As in, I literally don't like it and pull away, but if I relax and understand what's expected of me, I don't have that first reaction of moving away or stopping the behavior and don't react negatively). On 5/9/2020 at 5:20 PM, DouGaTroN said: Evidently my wife feels as though something was wrong with her when I would pose questions. That's not uncommon in many asexuals. Many of us don't register how others feel, especially in a society/culture that may not make things explicit or obvious or easy to figure out with help. As @Sinking_In mentioned, his wife realized his desires were normal. Others go through life thinking they just have an abnormally low sex drive and just don't really enjoy sex that much. I don't really know how I can help, though. I'm asexual, my partner is heterosexual, we've been together about 7 years and are engaged. We get through most things by talking to each other. It hasn't always been easy and both of us try our best to make it work since we love each other. Being in a mixed relationship is hard and I only recommend a lot of communication. A LOT of communication, and very blunt, direct, almost to the point of over-sharing levels of communication. Link to post Share on other sites
DouGaTroN Posted May 11, 2020 Author Share Posted May 11, 2020 Thank you Sith empress your post does help. It has showed me that I very often to have to be blunt with my wife. It's also nice to hear how others perseverance with love and patience over a mixed relationship is comforting. Link to post Share on other sites
cupid69 Posted May 31, 2020 Share Posted May 31, 2020 On 5/8/2020 at 9:35 PM, DouGaTroN said: Hi new to the forum looking to understand and comprise better for my marriage about asexuality. First off my wife feels like she is on the spectrum of asexuality. For lack of a better term she has not been confirmed asexual don't know if there is a questionaire for it? I do not wish to offend anyone as I am seeking knowledge and understanding. As a couple we are useing what copeing skills and instincts we have. I'm very verbal and physically affectionate this is difficult for my wife and I as we both express and show love differently. She doesn't even find me attractive anymore as we have been arguing alot. I am feeling like I am unloved that being said we do love each other very much and have a son together. Any suggestions or literature on this subject would be much appreciated. I've been married to my asexual wife for 35 years and never a day goes by that I feel the loss of a sexual relationship. Circumstances dictated that we stay married as we had very young children and I didn't know at the time who she was or even if she knew who she was. It's extremely difficult to love someone but not give physical signs that you do. No cuddling, stroking of hair etc as you may be giving off the wrong signals. She is now a companion and the love I had is still there but has changed to that of siblings. I'll live this sort of life until I die. If you don't have children or other dual commitments then I would suggest you go your own ways. Link to post Share on other sites
RDIAG Posted June 8, 2020 Share Posted June 8, 2020 On 5/8/2020 at 4:19 PM, Sinking_In said: Most people would consider a sexless marriage a symptom of other problems, fix those, and sex will follow. Unfortunately, that is not really the case when one person is asexual. Oh my, the number of times we've had therapists try to determine what the underlying cause was! Even good therapists. Work on communication, relaxation, etc. etc. is all well and good, but never helped the sexual relationship. I just felt more loyal and bonded to my wife, wanting more than ever to make her happy and to be happy --- but hurting nonetheless. I suppose your sentence can be turned around -- fix the sex and the other problems will improve. At least sometimes. That's what happened when we opened our marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Sinking_In Posted June 8, 2020 Share Posted June 8, 2020 12 hours ago, RDIAG said: fix the sex and the other problems will improve. At least sometimes. That's what happened when we opened our marriage. Same here, at least a good number of problems, since opening the marriage took the pressure of sex off of both of us, and allowed us both to just relax and enjoy each other's company. Problems still arise, as they often will, but for their own reasons, and are dealt with a lot easier and more directly. Link to post Share on other sites
Pete&Repeat Posted June 11, 2020 Share Posted June 11, 2020 On 6/7/2020 at 8:31 PM, RDIAG said: Oh my, the number of times we've had therapists try to determine what the underlying cause was! Even good therapists. Work on communication, relaxation, etc. etc. is all well and good, but never helped the sexual relationship. I just felt more loyal and bonded to my wife, wanting more than ever to make her happy and to be happy --- but hurting nonetheless. I suppose your sentence can be turned around -- fix the sex and the other problems will improve. At least sometimes. That's what happened when we opened our marriage. My wife and I haven't done any couples counseling as she gets embarrassed talking about sex. I'm more focused on her depression right now and trying get her help and possibly medication like I have. I try to do everything I can to make her happy too. I just feel like I'm not wanted sometimes. Glad to know I'm not the only one experiencing this though, I figured I was pretty unique and had to just deal with my sexless marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
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