Relationship Mistake

[ace-ren]

I've known for a while now that I'm asexual, figured it out in my teens. And after I first realised everything just felt...right. 

 

I considered that I was aro, too, but then last October I met a guy and he asked me out. I didn't love him at first, but then I did. He was my first kiss and it was...super awkward. I didn't like it. But didn't dislike it either. It just happened. 

 

I came out to him but he dismissed it. Said I'd feel different in time. Thankfully he wanted to wait till marriage. But he proposed to me pretty quick. And like a dumb idiot I said yes. 

 

I just wanted friendship and he was such a nice guy? But he just wanted to kiss, like, all the time. And I think he asked because he just wanted to get in my pants, y'know. That hurts, thinking about it. 

 

I fell out of love really quick and I broke up with him in Feb. 

 

But the issue is, I can't stop thinking about how what a dumb person I was. I was so confident in my asexuality, in my self, in the fact that I'm a right stubborn ass, yet I kept up a relationship even after this person dismissed my sexuality? And the worst part is I was questioning myself. Like, i KNOW I'm asexual. I shouldn't be made to question it. 

 

Idk really what I'm saying here, that experience just screwed me up a bit. And looking back I realise I didn't like the kisses I just wanted to hug/cuddle, chat, watch movies, etc. 

 

And now I think I don't ever want another relationship. My parents are all like, eh you shouldn't let it put you off blah blah blah but truth is, it has. Should I be put off still? Can I feel secure in my asexuality? Could I still be arospec? 

[Guest]

4 minutes ago, ace-ren said:

I just wanted to hug/cuddle, chat, watch movies, etc. 

There are people out there, who think this would be the best relationship ever, like that. Companionship over Sexy stuff.

[SithLord]

I'm sorry you had such a shitty experience. That guy was an ass, and it sounds like he may have suffered from some unhealthy religious ideologies (as in sex is only for marriage, but it doesn't matter if you get married hella quick). In no way should you question your asexuality just because he didn't believe you. 

 

You can be put off as long as you want. It's your life and no one should force you into a relationship you don't want just because of societal expectations. 

[Ldlelee]

I'm sorry that happened to you, hon. I'm glad you made the decision that was best for you, though.

 

It's possible you felt pressured to enter the relationship and do things you weren't comfortable with because he represented what everybody, in one form or another, desires: companionship. Not everybody desires sex or romance, but companionship--having someone to hug and cuddle, like you mentioned--is a different story. I don't think anyone wants to be alone. That being said, he shouldn't have been dismissive of your identity and definitely should not have been using you like that.

[Karret]

Aw that's sucks.

I would say, if you're not ready for a relationship, don't try to force yourself into one just to "overcome your bad experience" or whatever.

Take your time, don't try to make something happen; if something happens, then it will.

But at the same time, if you think you might be a romantic of some kind, I would also advise against totally nixing the idea of a relationship.

It could be that you are, but it could be that you want more than a friend.

If you're sure you don't want a relationship, then maybe just be on the look out for a potential best friend. o 3o! My sister has known friends who've cuddled before, so maybe you'd be able to find a friend who'd be willing to do that.

[ace-ren]

2 hours ago, Phoenix the II said:

There are people out there, who think this would be the best relationship ever, like that. Companionship over Sexy stuff.

Heh, guess I need to find those people then. Don't exactly know how to look for that kinda stuff. 

[ace-ren]

2 hours ago, SithEmpress said:

I'm sorry you had such a shitty experience. That guy was an ass, and it sounds like he may have suffered from some unhealthy religious ideologies (as in sex is only for marriage, but it doesn't matter if you get married hella quick). In no way should you question your asexuality just because he didn't believe you. 

 

You can be put off as long as you want. It's your life and no one should force you into a relationship you don't want just because of societal expectations. 

Yeah he got a bit controlling, too, which I hated 😕 I'm Christian & so was he, which was how we came to the whole 'wait for marriage' thing. I'm super grateful for that else I fear he'd have tried something. 

 

Thanks, I needed to hear that  well, read it actually, but y'know. Thank you.

[ace-ren]

38 minutes ago, Leedle-Lee said:

I'm sorry that happened to you, hon. I'm glad you made the decision that was best for you, though.

 

It's possible you felt pressured to enter the relationship and do things you weren't comfortable with because he represented what everybody, in one form or another, desires: companionship. Not everybody desires sex or romance, but companionship--having someone to hug and cuddle, like you mentioned--is a different story. I don't think anyone wants to be alone. That being said, he shouldn't have been dismissive of your identity and definitely should not have been using you like that.

I think I was a bit pressured by my parents too, they were (especially my mum) happy that I 'liked' someone. & I got caught up in everything, I guess 😕 

 

It's just hard to find someone who just wants companionship. I mean, I have my best friend but they're pan & not a physically affectionate person either. We hardly hug though I'd like to. 

 

I definitely learnt from that, I should've ended it then and there when he was dismissive  

[ace-ren]

18 minutes ago, Karret said:

Aw that's sucks.

I would say, if you're not ready for a relationship, don't try to force yourself into one just to "overcome your bad experience" or whatever.

Take your time, don't try to make something happen; if something happen, then it will.

But at the same time, if you think you might be a romantic of some kind, I would also advise against totally nixing the idea of a relationship.

It could be that you are, but it could be that you want more than a friend.

If you're sure you don't want a relationship, then maybe just be on the look out for a potential best friend. o 3o! My sister has known friends who've cuddled before, so maybe you'd be able to find a friend who'd be willing to do that.

I'm certainly not ready for one now. I need a bit of time after that disaster. And I'm not sure if I'm romantic, though I think I did love him at some point. Possibly I'm arospec, like, demiromantic? 

 

& I have a best friend but they're pan & they don't like physical affection. Other than that, well, I'm not close to many people 😕 would love to have a best friend who's happy to be a companion and stuff. that would be a dream come true tbh!

[Karret]

16 minutes ago, ace-ren said:

I'm certainly not ready for one now. I need a bit of time after that disaster. And I'm not sure if I'm romantic, though I think I did love him at some point. Possibly I'm arospec, like, demiromantic? 

 

& I have a best friend but they're pan & they don't like physical affection. Other than that, well, I'm not close to many people 😕 would love to have a best friend who's happy to be a companion and stuff. that would be a dream come true tbh!

Understandable! Aaaah gotcha. It could be that. o 3o!

 

Aawwww that sucks. My sister hates physical affection; doesn't even like hugs, but I'm a very huggy person, so it hurts [not like offends or depresses, just like.. when you gotta deny yourself something, it's almost like a physical pain kinda hurt; nothing deep or psychological] that I can't do that normally. Yeeessss~~ same. I have a best friend, but she deep down wants a boyfriend, so I don't think her ideal would be just being biffles with me and I wouldn't want her to limit herself to just having a bestie if the opportunity for her to get a boyfriend arises.

[ace-ren]

1 hour ago, Karret said:

Understandable! Aaaah gotcha. It could be that. o 3o!

 

Aawwww that sucks. My sister hates physical affection; doesn't even like hugs, but I'm a very huggy person, so it hurts [not like offends or depresses, just like.. when you gotta deny yourself something, it's almost like a physical pain kinda hurt; nothing deep or psychological] that I can't do that normally. Yeeessss~~ same. I have a best friend, but she deep down wants a boyfriend, so I don't think her ideal would be just being biffles with me and I wouldn't want her to limit herself to just having a bestie if the opportunity for her to get a boyfriend arises.

Yeah, I mean I've considered asking them if they wouldn't mind showing more physical affection but they probably have their reasons, I don't want to pry. Not that it's possible in current times anyway. 

 

My sister is pretty huggy but like almost too much sometimes. It's weird sometimes I want to cuddle other times I go almost touch averse >_< 

 

I don't want to limit my best friend either, they've dated in the past and will probably date again. Maybe I'll get another best friend who's more open to that kinda stuff, who knows! I can dream lol. 

[Karret]

2 minutes ago, ace-ren said:

Yeah, I mean I've considered asking them if they wouldn't mind showing more physical affection but they probably have their reasons, I don't want to pry. Not that it's possible in current times anyway. 

 

My sister is pretty huggy but like almost too much sometimes. It's weird sometimes I want to cuddle other times I go almost touch averse >_< 

 

I don't want to limit my best friend either, they've dated in the past and will probably date again. Maybe I'll get another best friend who's more open to that kinda stuff, who knows! I can dream lol. 

Yeah, giving people their space is a good thing. Personally, I'd get curious enough to ask - not demand an answer, but ask in case they're willing to discuss it.

 

Hahaha XD I might be like that sometimes. I don't hug my other sister too much, though [she doesn't seem like she really cares about getting hugs. She'll accept them, but it's just not something she seems to like actively enjoy or seek out very much, so I don't typically hug her too much], but I hug my mom a shitton. sudkgaksd XD

I don't know if I've ever been nearly touch averse.. I mean, I guess with strangers; I don't like strangers hugging me or whatever... :Ua But I think that's pretty normal.

 

Yesss exactly. My bestie has always been too shy to date, so I'd rather be as supportive as possible and encourage her to date since she deep down wants to. ; w;!

OOO Maybe! 8D You can always dream!

[tea-board20]

I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. I'm sure it was very difficult. I had a good friend in my teens who married very young because they felt pressured by their partner into sex, and it ended in terrible heartbreak, so even though it was very difficult for you, I am glad you managed to break off the relationship before anything worse could have happened.

There's nothing wrong with not wanting a relationship, and there's also nothing wrong with taking your time if you do decide you want to become involved in another. Focus on yourself first, and take your time figuring out what you truly want and need. I know it can be hard to ignore negative input from those around you, especially parents, but this is your decision to make and yours alone. And try not to be too hard on yourself; relationships of any sort are complicated and delicate things, but the one you are with should never make you question or second-guess your own identity. It was not your fault. Regardless of what you decide, really reflecting and being kind to yourself will make things better for you in the long run, and have a positive impact on whoever you may or may not choose to allow into your life in the future. I wish you the best!

[ace-ren]

On 5/3/2020 at 6:03 PM, Karret said:

Yeah, giving people their space is a good thing. Personally, I'd get curious enough to ask - not demand an answer, but ask in case they're willing to discuss it.

 

Hahaha XD I might be like that sometimes. I don't hug my other sister too much, though [she doesn't seem like she really cares about getting hugs. She'll accept them, but it's just not something she seems to like actively enjoy or seek out very much, so I don't typically hug her too much], but I hug my mom a shitton. sudkgaksd XD

I don't know if I've ever been nearly touch averse.. I mean, I guess with strangers; I don't like strangers hugging me or whatever... :Ua But I think that's pretty normal.

 

Yesss exactly. My bestie has always been too shy to date, so I'd rather be as supportive as possible and encourage her to date since she deep down wants to. ; w;!

OOO Maybe! 8D You can always dream!

Hmm I might ask them next time I see them. Which, is unlikely to be for a while, unfortunately! 

 

Haha nothing wrong with lots of hugs....sometimes XD yeah maybe touch averse isn't the right term, just sometimes I can't stand to be hugged. And gah no definitely not by strangers that's the worst XP 

 

Aw that's so nice of you ^-^ 

[ace-ren]

On 5/4/2020 at 5:48 AM, tea-board20 said:

I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. I'm sure it was very difficult. I had a good friend in my teens who married very young because they felt pressured by their partner into sex, and it ended in terrible heartbreak, so even though it was very difficult for you, I am glad you managed to break off the relationship before anything worse could have happened.

There's nothing wrong with not wanting a relationship, and there's also nothing wrong with taking your time if you do decide you want to become involved in another. Focus on yourself first, and take your time figuring out what you truly want and need. I know it can be hard to ignore negative input from those around you, especially parents, but this is your decision to make and yours alone. And try not to be too hard on yourself; relationships of any sort are complicated and delicate things, but the one you are with should never make you question or second-guess your own identity. It was not your fault. Regardless of what you decide, really reflecting and being kind to yourself will make things better for you in the long run, and have a positive impact on whoever you may or may not choose to allow into your life in the future. I wish you the best!

Thanks, I'm glad I was able to break it off too :)

 

And thank you as well for all you've said there, that really helps. I'm struggling to not blame myself tbh but I'm getting there. Definitely not going to have another relationship any time soon, I need time for myself, I think. 

 

I wish you the best too :) 

[Karret]

On 5/5/2020 at 5:12 PM, ace-ren said:

Hmm I might ask them next time I see them. Which, is unlikely to be for a while, unfortunately! 

 

Haha nothing wrong with lots of hugs....sometimes XD yeah maybe touch averse isn't the right term, just sometimes I can't stand to be hugged. And gah no definitely not by strangers that's the worst XP 

 

Aw that's so nice of you ^-^ 

If you do, I hope it goes well, even if it'll be far and away in the future. < x>;

 

Hahaha, yeah All. The. Time. would be annoying. Hmm.. it could be touch averse,  I haven't looked too deep into the meaning of that term and whatnot. Lol yeah stranger hugs would be the absolute worst. X__X!

 

>v<! I try~ We don't talk about it too much, but when we do, I do my best to be encouraging, even though I know I'm probably not the best since I can't quite empathize with the feeling. But still. Trying to encourage the pursuit of happiness is worth it, so I, again, do my best. XD;;

[ace-ren]

On 5/27/2020 at 1:01 AM, Karret said:

If you do, I hope it goes well, even if it'll be far and away in the future. < x>;

 

Hahaha, yeah All. The. Time. would be annoying. Hmm.. it could be touch averse,  I haven't looked too deep into the meaning of that term and whatnot. Lol yeah stranger hugs would be the absolute worst. X__X!

 

>v<! I try~ We don't talk about it too much, but when we do, I do my best to be encouraging, even though I know I'm probably not the best since I can't quite empathize with the feeling. But still. Trying to encourage the pursuit of happiness is worth it, so I, again, do my best. XD;;

Thank you 😊 still haven't had the opportunity lol. I'm planning on seeing them when this is over though!
 

Aw that's a lovely  thing to do for your friend ^-^ I try to encourage mine too just with other things not relationships lol!

[Guest]

On 5/3/2020 at 9:41 AM, ace-ren said:

I've known for a while now that I'm asexual, figured it out in my teens. And after I first realised everything just felt...right. 

 

I considered that I was aro, too, but then last October I met a guy and he asked me out. I didn't love him at first, but then I did. He was my first kiss and it was...super awkward. I didn't like it. But didn't dislike it either. It just happened. 

 

I came out to him but he dismissed it. Said I'd feel different in time. Thankfully he wanted to wait till marriage. But he proposed to me pretty quick. And like a dumb idiot I said yes. 

 

I just wanted friendship and he was such a nice guy? But he just wanted to kiss, like, all the time. And I think he asked because he just wanted to get in my pants, y'know. That hurts, thinking about it. 

 

I fell out of love really quick and I broke up with him in Feb. 

 

But the issue is, I can't stop thinking about how what a dumb person I was. I was so confident in my asexuality, in my self, in the fact that I'm a right stubborn ass, yet I kept up a relationship even after this person dismissed my sexuality? And the worst part is I was questioning myself. Like, i KNOW I'm asexual. I shouldn't be made to question it. 

 

Idk really what I'm saying here, that experience just screwed me up a bit. And looking back I realise I didn't like the kisses I just wanted to hug/cuddle, chat, watch movies, etc. 

 

And now I think I don't ever want another relationship. My parents are all like, eh you shouldn't let it put you off blah blah blah but truth is, it has. Should I be put off still? Can I feel secure in my asexuality? Could I still be arospec? 

Can you? Yeah sure you can right? It's about what you want, not what other want for you. 

 

Besides, that sounds like ... A very asexual experience all-in-all. 

 

Well, good thing you're out of it before it was too late? We all can make mistakes, but that's like tripping. Get up and move on. Easier said than done certainly, but it's needed.

[Karret]

On 6/1/2020 at 2:08 AM, ace-ren said:

Thank you 😊 still haven't had the opportunity lol. I'm planning on seeing them when this is over though!
 

Aw that's a lovely  thing to do for your friend ^-^ I try to encourage mine too just with other things not relationships lol!

❤️ Nice nice! Hope the time flies by~~

 

Cx Of course; gotta be there for your friends when it counts.

Lol understandable though; shit's really tough!