Are there any people here in a successful sexual/asexual relationship without having any sex?

[Guest]

7 hours ago, uhtred said:

I think that in order to really know, you would need to hear from both partners.  I know my wife believes we have a very happy relationship, and the the limited sex is just a minor issue.   From my end, that is not at all the case. 

And on the flip side probably a lot of sexuals think the partner is happy with no sex since it's what they want but may not be taking into account any guilt that it causes, etc. 

 

Hard to ever really know if a relationship is totally happy or not. 

[AceMissBehaving]

8 hours ago, uhtred said:

I think that in order to really know, you would need to hear from both partners.  I know my wife believes we have a very happy relationship, and the the limited sex is just a minor issue.   From my end, that is not at all the case. 

Well I can say on my behalf I know because my partner has repeatedly, and enthusiastically told me how happy and in love he is, and been demonstrably so.

[Guest]

On 4/29/2020 at 10:39 AM, Serran said:

like the one ace couple that posted does have sex occasionally

Hmmm

[KiraS]

Given that we just had a heart-to-heart conversation about how post-coital dysphoria and evolving gender are affecting my sexual boundaries, I think we're ok on that point. I wouldn't say we're happy because we've been self-quarantined for well over a month in a state where the COVID-19 response has been idiotic, and we're dealing with a housing change this summer. But I fail to see how that kind of unhappiness would be resolved by giving in to folk wisdom about how often we should be having sex. 

[Ours]

I’ve been married for 20 years. He is in therapy and is coming to terms with his asexually. he is having a hard time as he doesn’t ‘want to be asexual’ but I have come to terms with it. We have cried together more times then I can count and have grieved together. We haven’t had  Full on sex together in 4 years. 
 

are we a success? I don’t know. I don’t doubt his love for me. We have dealt with sickness, and death of parents and many other losses. I know he runs himself ragged trying to make up for what doesn’t happen. 
 

im not bitter I was but he’s not trying to hurt me and he never lied he just didn’t know or understand himself. 
 

I miss sexual jokes and fun more then full on sex as he was never  a ‘good lover’ anyway. He knows this because  we talk more now.we talk a lot! 
 

He has said no to an open relationship and I keep my promise. He a good guy. He was raised in a ultra conservative house hold and has a lot of Anger And baggage from it.

 
. I’m not going to force him because that doesn’t help me feel wanted. I’m not going to step out on him because he asked. We’ve kicked around divorce a few times but We are 50 i have enough divorced friends to know how well 50 years olds do out there. 

 

do I regret yes and so does he. Are we bitter not anymore because we didn’t lie or hurt on purpose. I’ve forgiven him for not knowing who he is. 
 

today I’m at peace. But happiness and peace are in the moment. So I don’t know maybe I’m just doing better for now. We are friends and communication is not just important it’s vital

[AGF]

Like others, I'd say the "success" of my marriage as a hetero woman to an asexual man varies. primarily based on 2 things:

1. my sex drive

2. the state of the friendship/companionship part of our marriage

Our story: Ironically, I initially loved that he didn't seem as driven by sex as most men. My previous long term relationship was all about the sex (SO good), and it was the last time I confused lust and love! Looking back, I should have seen that his asexuality was present and would become an issue but I was happy to be liked for more than my sex drive. Pretty much,  I got sex when I wanted it. Everything worked and he always seemed to respond when I initiated sex. But I was young, cute and confident ....I didn't question that he wanted to have sex with me or notice that he never really initiated it.  He was definitely more about the companionship and romance. The sex was fine, not great but not terrible ....2 or 3 times a month. My female friends had always indicated that my sex drive was abnormally high, so I was content with the frequency and masturbated if I needed more. After a year of dating I got pregnant. He continued to respond to me sexually during my pregnancy (whew those hormones!), but our sex life dried up after we became parents and it did not bother him one bit.  And at first it was okay with me too. We were busy with a baby, we both worked, and I was finishing my degree....we were so in awe of our baby and each other as parents. I developed a powerful and deep love for this one person in the world that loved our son as much as I did. He stepped up and matured and softened into his role as a father so well....I began to think more long term with him than I had before.  (I was never one that assumed I would ever get married, so this was big). I think motherhood changed me in ways that made him feel the same.  We got married when our son was 7 months old. I honestly don't know how much we had resumed our sex life between baby and wedding, but I do know we didn't have sex on our wedding night and only once on our honeymoon, and it seemed obligatory.  We've been married 21 years and I can count on 2 hands how many times we've had sex. The last time was 15 years ago. In that time we've "blamed" it on other things and he still would. He would not want to be labeled "asexual" because that would be questioning his masculinity.  And there have been contributing factors:

1. he takes anti-seizure meds that are depressants (but physically everything works, just zero interest)

2. my weight changes/appearance because I no longer felt sexy and confident enough to initiate (not because it affected his attraction, because you can't go lower than zero)

Ultimately I think the truth came out in a drunken talk a couple of years into our marriage, which he doesn't even remember. It was the only time he specifically turned me down for sex (rather than just avoiding it) and he said he loved and respected me too much to do "that" to me. Didn't matter that I wanted him// to, it was disrespectful and dirty. 

That's a hard thing to overcome when he can't/won't remember saying it. And won't get help for it....because he doesn't miss sex anyway. We decided to have a second child which I thought would involve at least a few months of sex...but no, we conceived the first time...lol. We carried on for a few years having very sporadic sex when it was expected (vacations, anniversaries, etc) but it was both physically and emotionally uncomfortable.  A word of advice to the asexual spouse: don't fake it around other people. It would get my hopes up then  infuriate me when he would put on a facade to our friends that we were a "sexy" couple. Joke about getting me home, whatever. I know he was doing it to feel normal and blend in but I hated it. It made me feel fake and undesirable. We don't have to broadcast our issues, but we don't have to make stuff up either. 

So it has been up to me to give up on sex and either accept our marriage as is or leave. I've always ended up staying but it's been close a few times, usually when another area of our marriage (parenting, financial, health etc) is bad. I can handle the lack of sex when we are in tune and compatible in all other ways, but when we're not I fee like I have all the responsibilities and hassles of being married without the benefits. If I had a different set of beliefs and risk aversion, I would have been okay getting sex elsewhere and keeping that separate, for me sex can just be a physical release. It doesn't have to be emotional and intimate...and messy. I think all long term relationships go through spells of mis-matched sex drives and it always causes some stress and resentment....being with an asexual person just intensifies that because it is not just a spell, it is forever. 

And at times, I have been relieved by his lack of sex drive. Because of our apparent fertility, I would have been terrified of getting pregnant again if we had an active sex life. And I'm pretty sure he won't physically cheat on me, right? At this time, we are compatible in a lot of ways and because my sex drive is so low after an early menopause, I am content. Is that successful? I don't know. But ultimately I don't think lack of sex is a reason to end a marriage if love, respect, fun, and companionship are there for you when the dust settles!

[glyders]

I'm in a relationship with no sex, no kissing, touching etc. for the last 9ish years (and only a few times on the preceding 4).

Successful? We're still together.