Are there any people here in a successful sexual/asexual relationship without having any sex?

[imastrawberry]

      

[Traveler40]

How do you define successful?

[LeChat]

Yes. I remember seeing at least a couple of posts from members whose lives are like this, where the member said that they and their partner were both happy with each other, that sex wasn't as important for the sexual partner in the relationship (that they liked their asexual partner for their personality, hobbies, etc.) and that they'd be happy to try living with having sex.

 

It's probably just that there aren't as many people who are happy and satisfied with their lives posting.

[imastrawberry]

13 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

How do define successful?

no resentment towards that decision, no regrets, being satisfied and happy in that position

[imastrawberry]

5 minutes ago, LeChat said:

Yes. I remember seeing at least a couple of posts from members whose lives are like this, where the member said that they and their partner were both happy with each other, without sex; it's probably just that there aren't as many people who are happy and satisfied with their lives posting.

that makes alot of sense, thank you

[LeChat]

1 minute ago, imastrawberry said:

that makes alot of sense, thank you

Sure. No problem.

[Bio 7]

3 hours ago, imastrawberry said:

      

There some examples there.

[iff]

This bring to mind that there is a comedy drama film Straight Up (some Oscar buzz around it, because no one knows if there'll be cinema open again this year ) the film is about a probably gay man who begins a relationship with a heterosexual woman. He is sex-repulsed because of a dislike of bodily fluids (in a therapist, he does mention about variables being that he could be a heteroromantic asexual). From this, while he is very happy with the relationship (played by the writer/director. It's one of those movies 😀 ), but I felt a lot for the woman Rory in it because it hurt her alot in being in a relationship, where she didn't feel like she was wanted in the relationship. 

[Traveler40]

6 hours ago, imastrawberry said:

no resentment towards that decision, no regrets, being satisfied and happy in that position

It’s not that simple. I think resentment can happen at various times for many, but there’s hopefully understanding for those that stay and figure out the why (if due to asexuality and not known at the outset). Acceptance brings some satisfaction, but happiness doesn’t happen if one party isn’t getting their needs met somehow.

 

The answer is more complicated than the question. I can say mainly “Yes” to your question, but the line from A to B is neither straight nor clean. 
 

EDIT: It’s not a resounding yes, and there will always be some regret for what could have been but isn’t. We didn’t go in eyes wide open. Perhaps it’s different for those that knew from the outset.

[Guest]

3 hours ago, Bio 7 said:

There some examples there.

That thread doesnt give many sexless relationships like the OP is asking for though... like the one ace couple that posted does have sex occasionally... others went sexless after a while and some are breaking up so not happy. 

 

Purely never had sex mixed orientation and happy together? I can think of one such user in my time on AVEN. 

[imastrawberry]

17 minutes ago, Serran said:

That thread doesnt give many sexless relationships like the OP is asking for though... like the one ace couple that posted does have sex occasionally... others went sexless after a while and some are breaking up so not happy. 

 

Purely never had sex mixed orientation and happy together? I can think of one such user in my time on AVEN. 

yes but i was also referring to couples who are happy being even sexless, so going sexless after a while and the relationship still working is a success in my books

I have changed my title to reflect that

[imastrawberry]

59 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

It’s not that simple. I think resentment can happen at various times for many, but there’s hopefully understanding for those that stay and figure out the why (if due to asexuality and not known at the outset). Acceptance brings some satisfaction, but happiness doesn’t happen if one party isn’t getting their needs met somehow.

 

The answer is more complicated than the question. I can say mainly “Yes” to your question, but the line from A to B is neither straight nor clean. 
 

EDIT: It’s not a resounding yes, and there will always be some regret for what could have been but isn’t. We didn’t go in eyes wide open. Perhaps it’s different for those that knew from the outset.

are you in a relationship that i have described?

[SusannaC]

I think for such a relationship to be successful -the sexual partner would need to have little or no sex drive...I am 30 years married to my asexual husband.  Not a success story by your description however, as this relationship has been plagued by regrets and resentment for years, until I understood more about asexuality by coming to AVEN.  There is no resentment anymore on my part, and I’m sure my husband is quite happy.  Regrets remain for me.

[Guest]

15 hours ago, imastrawberry said:

yes but i was also referring to couples who are happy being even sexless, so going sexless after a while and the relationship still working is a success in my books

I have changed my title to reflect that

I can think of two then. Unless you're also counting non-monogamous, then I can think of four (the sexual partner gets sex elsewhere). 

[imastrawberry]

12 hours ago, SusannaC said:

I think for such a relationship to be successful -the sexual partner would need to have little or no sex drive...I am 30 years married to my asexual husband.  Not a success story by your description however, as this relationship has been plagued by regrets and resentment for years, until I understood more about asexuality by coming to AVEN.  There is no resentment anymore on my part, and I’m sure my husband is quite happy.  Regrets remain for me.

if you could go back and change it, would you?

[imastrawberry]

1 hour ago, Serran said:

I can think of two then. Unless you're also counting non-monogamous, then I can think of four (the sexual partner gets sex elsewhere). 

thank you, this was informative

[Guest]

10 minutes ago, imastrawberry said:

thank you, this was informative

I would tag the ones I know of, but most of them have since quit the site, so .... can't get them to give you their personal stories. 

[AceMissBehaving]

Does it count if the sexual partner is having sex with someone else, just not the ace partner?

 

If so that’s where we’re at right now and doing great. If you mean where the sexual partner is celibate then that’s not gone so well

[imastrawberry]

38 minutes ago, Serran said:

I would tag the ones I know of, but most of them have since quit the site, so .... can't get them to give you their personal stories. 

hahaa, i would assume that happy couples wouldnt be here, but as i went through this site, ive found multiple instances which support my question

[imastrawberry]

10 minutes ago, AceMissBehaving said:

Does it count if the sexual partner is having sex with someone else, just not the ace partner?

 

If so that’s where we’re at right now and doing great. If you mean where the sexual partner is celibate then that’s not gone so well

if you dont mind, could you tell me your story?

[AceMissBehaving]

36 minutes ago, imastrawberry said:

if you dont mind, could you tell me your story?

Sure. I’m asexual married to a heterosexual man for the last 17+ years. I didn’t know I was asexual when we got married, and came over as a “90 day fiancée” so we hadn’t been in the same physical location long before we got married.

 

At first we had sex reasonably often I think, but that didn’t last long. I started noticing a pattern where he would become kind of permanently irritated and angry if we hadn’t had sex in a while, so I would have I guess reset sex. Which was pretty miserable.

 

After a while we weren’t having sex much at all, months and months between times, maybe even into more than a year. He didn’t try initiate much because the rejection was weighing on him, and I didn’t initiate because I never think about it. So while I was fine with the super long dry spells he wasn’t. He was irritable and critical with me constantly which was hard, but kind of the default state so it became almost background noise.

I figured out was asexual kinda late, probably around age 35. I didn’t talk about it with him because I figured he already knew. He didn’t. I came out last year and it hit him hard. We tried negotiating regular sex, I couldn’t keep up my end of the bargain, we tried doing no sex, but he was clearly unhappy. I got him to go to therapy (for more than just the asexual stuff) and she suggested we think about opening up the relationship.

 

We opened it up and he found a second serious partner. Once he was having regular sex his mood improved a lot because he’s not permanently feeling frustrated unattractive, and rejected. I’m happier because the pressure for sex is off me, and I’m not hurting my partner.

 

These days we are a lot more physically affectionate, and getting along great. Both his need for sex is met, and my need for no sex is met, so we are

able to bond on the things that’s brought us together in the first place and a lot closer than we have been in a long long time.

[KiraS]

It works for me, although it had a lot of growing pains getting there. The way I'm wired makes healthy sexual relationships difficult on my side, so I'm more comfortable with celibacy than dating someone other than my partner. 

[imastrawberry]

1 hour ago, AceMissBehaving said:

Sure. I’m asexual married to a heterosexual man for the last 17+ years. I didn’t know I was asexual when we got married, and came over as a “90 day fiancée” so we hadn’t been in the same physical location long before we got married.

 

At first we had sex reasonably often I think, but that didn’t last long. I started noticing a pattern where he would become kind of permanently irritated and angry if we hadn’t had sex in a while, so I would have I guess reset sex. Which was pretty miserable.

 

After a while we weren’t having sex much at all, months and months between times, maybe even into more than a year. He didn’t try initiate much because the rejection was weighing on him, and I didn’t initiate because I never think about it. So while I was fine with the super long dry spells he wasn’t. He was irritable and critical with me constantly which was hard, but kind of the default state so it became almost background noise.

I figured out was asexual kinda late, probably around age 35. I didn’t talk about it with him because I figured he already knew. He didn’t. I came out last year and it hit him hard. We tried negotiating regular sex, I couldn’t keep up my end of the bargain, we tried doing no sex, but he was clearly unhappy. I got him to go to therapy (for more than just the asexual stuff) and she suggested we think about opening up the relationship.

 

We opened it up and he found a second serious partner. Once he was having regular sex his mood improved a lot because he’s not permanently feeling frustrated unattractive, and rejected. I’m happier because the pressure for sex is off me, and I’m not hurting my partner.

 

These days we are a lot more physically affectionate, and getting along great. Both his need for sex is met, and my need for no sex is met, so we are

able to bond on the things that’s brought us together in the first place and a lot closer than we have been in a long long time.

this is really inspirational, thank you for sharing

[imastrawberry]

10 minutes ago, KiraS said:

It works for me, although it had a lot of growing pains getting there. The way I'm wired makes healthy sexual relationships difficult on my side, so I'm more comfortable with celibacy than dating someone other than my partner. 

if you dont mind, can you elaborate?

 

[KiraS]

I'm a relationship abuse survivor. Sometimes sex is great; but sometimes it triggers panic or depression. And then there are the complications of internalized homophobia and transphobia, which are issues I'm not willing to take on with new partners at this time. My partner and I are very much on the same wavelength, if they were no longer in my life, I probably wouldn't try dating again unless I met someone exceptional. 

[imastrawberry]

4 hours ago, KiraS said:

I'm a relationship abuse survivor. Sometimes sex is great; but sometimes it triggers panic or depression. And then there are the complications of internalized homophobia and transphobia, which are issues I'm not willing to take on with new partners at this time. My partner and I are very much on the same wavelength, if they were no longer in my life, I probably wouldn't try dating again unless I met someone exceptional. 

thank you for that, it means alot

[Memento1]

@AceMissBehaving, thank you for sharing your story.  I don't know if I'd ever heard it in full, and it is quite inspirational.  I'm glad things are so much better between you two and you were both open to unconventional solutions!  I am training to become a therapist, so it's also great to hear that therapy helped in this situation - I somewhat hope that navigating sexual/asexual relationships is something I can help people with once I'm licensed.

[AceMissBehaving]

11 hours ago, Memento1 said:

@AceMissBehaving, thank you for sharing your story.  I don't know if I'd ever heard it in full, and it is quite inspirational.  I'm glad things are so much better between you two and you were both open to unconventional solutions!  I am training to become a therapist, so it's also great to hear that therapy helped in this situation - I somewhat hope that navigating sexual/asexual relationships is something I can help people with once I'm licensed.

I’m a huge proponent for how helpful therapy can be. I’ve been seeing a therapist regularly for years and it’s made a big change in my life.

 

I honestly think you’ll be able to be immensely helpful for sexual and asexual people in a mixed relationship. One of the things my fella looked for was a therapist that was LQBTQ+ friendly, with an emphasis on the + part. Not all therapists have a lot of knowledge, or acceptance of asexuality, and if a therapist doesn’t believe in asexuality as something to be left unchanged, then it can be rather harmful to one partner or both when trying to navigate these things.
 

I’m genuinely grateful to people like yourself looking to help in such an important and concrete way 

[Bogusgal]

SOME TYPES OF ASEXUAL PEOPLE DO NOT UNDERSTAND EMOTIONAL CUES IN THE FORM OF PHYSICAL TOUCH AND THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS FOREPLAY:

 

Hi! Please do not laugh at me.  I am sharing my experience from a person that was a virgin yet studied books on how to please women, including those religious books on the topic.

 

Dream:  Cunnilingus (This is something that I always dreamt of doing after getting married!  Just pleasing the other person.  That is what turns me on.).

 

Reality:  I have been married for eight years to an asexual. And, I must add that I really do love my asexual partner.  We did not know about it until approximately two years ago (something like that).  

And you know what? Before I knew about asexuality, all this time, I thought that all women in porn or real life were lying or faking pleasure or orgasm just to make stories up.  My partner also told me this nd I began to believe it too.  It was until one day I saw or heard a court case of a woman suing her husband  for not wanting to have sex that I began to question this thought.

 

Extra Reality After Learning What Asexuality Is:  I can see and observe from my partner that some 100% asexual people that are biologically born that way and that have no romantic feelings whatsoever are experiencing a different reality than people who are asexual.  Here is an example:  If my asexual partner sits next to me on the couch and I put a hand on her lap, before watching a Netflix movie, she has no connection between this romantic touch and the feeling of closeness that I feel; it is just skin to her.  There is no foreplay. And if it is too hot in the room, then it is hot skin and you are making her more hot by doing that.  I often felt why can't she understand intimate ques.  Well, after all these years, now I know.  I accept it and will never leave her because I do love her no matter what.  I did not marry a vagina; I married a lifetime partner.

 

 

 

My personality: I like to give sexually, romantically and emotionally. I am not satisfied from receiving. I do not get off from receiving.  Therefore, because I saw that my partner got really happy when eating certain foods, I would give favorite food or buy more gifts, and watch the smile and/or jumping.  That made me happy to see my partner happy, even though we had no romantic intimacy or physical intimacy.  This went on for years.  

 

I always waited to initiate anything and a king in a book wrote that to please the women so much that one day she will come to give you a surprise. My big surprise was that I waited a very, very, long time and got no big surprise.  I thought, "Well, maybe that is the way women are."  We have deep conversation and are really close to each other.  We are inseparable.  I love her.

 

From my experience, I do not know what type of asexual person my partner is but I can now see and observe that this asexual does not understand or respond to intimate cues, sexual cues and romantic cues.  This type of asexual person is not repulsed by sex or romance - just cannot connect or grasp it.  This caused a tremendous amount of pain and sadness in myself, as I often feel that I am missing something. 

 

My asexual partner would often ask, "What is wrong?"  And, I had no idea or where or how to understand what I was feeling, but something was just wrong. Something was off.  I would be the only one experiencing mental emotion (whatever that is called), but my partner described a different experience:

"When you touch my leg or hold my hand it is just skin touching skin. You can feel something?"  I reply, "Yes! All the time."  "Wow, I cannot understand this."  Then goes on to describe her friends back when growing up.

 

In our long talks over the years, my asexual partner brought up the idea that I should get another partner.  I thought that either she did not love me. Then, I thought she was a lesbian at that time.  Then, we found out about asexuality after we tried to cure her for a long time and after I called a suicidal hotline that informed about LGBT+.  Who knew that we were going to get involved with an LGBT+ community and what the heck was an "ACE"?  (sorry about the timeline of events. They are not so accurate).

 

Yet, somehow we both like each other deeply.  Nothing can separate us.  We are better than most couples, I think.  We watch couples break up, divorce over meaningless things, men trapped in marriages where women control the man or vice-versa and stuck with children.  For us, we have something special that seems better than others.  I guess that is love, but I have depression.  I am not happy, but yet I am happy and definitely not satisfied.

 

Anyway, I stuck it through all these years because I do not believe in divorce and I believe it is my responsibility to take care of my partner through sickness and health.  Emotions are not everything. They go up and down.  However, is what I am feeling emotional or biological?  I feel horse that never ran; however, my partner is probably the happiest person in the world because I make sure of it with giving the favorite food gift, clothes, fun, etc.   I love it.

 

Maybe you guys can help me.  Although I feel proud that I took care of my partner all these year in sickness and in health until death due us part; however, I feel very depressed and suicidal as a result.  All these years we thought there was a cure.  We thought as time past, one day things will change.  It was a relief to know that it is biological!  

Knowing that it is biological explains why my asexual partner behaves, perceives and understands reality and cues differently.  My partner can get things done quickly that I am because I am also deteriorating mentally and emotionally in this relationship.  Man, I do not know what it is.  I do feel like I am going crazy.  I do not know what to do.

 

Then this happened:  When I see the opposite sex or if the opposite sex gives me attention recently, I noticed that it was a different type of touch on the hand than I had before. It is the kind of touch that I usually give.

 

Please help me.  I am not sure if I need help, but I appreciate any comment.

 

 

[uhtred]

I think that in order to really know, you would need to hear from both partners.  I know my wife believes we have a very happy relationship, and the the limited sex is just a minor issue.   From my end, that is not at all the case.