Labels, labels, labels

[RDIAG]

Recently I tried to talk to my wife about labels. It’s not because I love labels.  It’s just that I’d like to have a better understanding of what’s going on.

 

For most of our life together (30 years, 25 married), the label we obsessed about was vaginismus. We couldn’t have PIV but wanted to have children.  The gentlest possible attempts at penetration, even with a finger, would cause her incredible pain and panic.  She (sometimes we) had a few periods of attempting treatment; they were unsuccessful, and there were many, many years when she avoided more treatment.

 

At the same time, an even scarier label was floating just out of view – lack of arousal .  My wife clearly loved me, but her body didn’t experience any arousal at all.  Vaginismus had physical treatments; arousal really didn’t.  Relax, said all the therapists.  And we had the cream of the crop of therapists, including decades at our local university’s famous sexuality clinic.  

 

The problem with arousal disorder was that one of the diagnostic criteria is that it causes distress to the subject. My wife was somewhat distressed on my behalf, but not really on her own behalf.  So I got to be the one with the label – depression – and lots of meds.  During the periods when she pursued therapy, she had no diagnosis, and insurance wouldn’t pay. 

 

Eventually I started hearing the term “asexual.” I asked her if that’s what the situation was, and she said “that’s not really it.”  She is obviously the expert on herself, but eventually, after much struggle, I found that if I approached our situation *as if* she’s asexual, it was helpful for me. 

 

Which brings us to the next conundrum.  Asexuality resources make a clear distinction between attraction and arousal.  So not being aroused doesn’t mean a person is asexual.  Makes sense.  But then if lack of arousal isn’t a disorder because she’s not distressed, and the reason that there’s no distress is that she isn’t particularly interested in sex, how can that not be asexuality?  Is it possible that she has internalized the feeling that she’s supposed to have sexual desire, but that it’s actually romantic desire?  She has a desire for connection, affection and some touch, but definitely not for touch involving her genitals.

 

In general, she gives the impression that genital sex is a relatively unimportant part of life, except that she cares about my feelings on the topic and worries about me.  She is brave and willing to have frank conversations, but when talking about herself there’s a whole of “I don’t know what I want.” We’ve recently opened the marriage, for my sanity’s sake, and she is remarkably not jealous.  She seems relieved to have successfully outsourced sex.

 

Probably no sane person would have much “desire” to have a dense conversation about labels, and labels won’t solve anything. So what am I looking for? I guess I’d like to read a description of some identity, some way of being, and to be able to put my finger on it and say “yes, that’s us.”  I’d like to be *seen*, even in some random little corner of the internet.  And then to be able to stand next to my wife, clear about who and what we are.

[Traveler40]

12 hours ago, CBC said:

Ultimately it really doesn't matter what term you put on it, especially if you have no other obvious reason for her lack of desire. Functionally, it's asexuality

Yes.  

 

12 hours ago, CBC said:

There are other sexual members here whose theoretically-asexual partners aren't totally sold on the label either, but there are so many commonalities with things experienced by people who do openly identify that way that it really serves you best to approach it from that angle.

I am in this camp.

 

I’d also add that awareness augments with time. Believe it or not, I was here for almost 2 years before it dawned on me that my husband is also Aromantic. It is so obvious as he’s never held my hand but a few times, doesn’t snuggle, has never recalled a notable day, only touches me accidentally and has never spontaneously hugged me, yet I didn’t understand him as aromantic. 
 

Of course he’s aromantic! He hasn’t self identified as either aro or ace, and that’s fine. With or without the label, he will still forget my birthday, never hug me and never seek to hold my hand. 
 

He does a million other things to show he loves me. I have to appreciate those for what they are - consistent and stable love. Yes, I’ve learned that too. Love languages are different. His just happens to be through acts of service.

Does this knowledge matter? I guess it brings more ahhhhh to the ah-ha, but the reality is what it is. Embracing it, learning to work with it (and around it) is where happiness is.

 

Try to drop the desire for labels and instead embrace the moments that matter. I think you may be happier for it. 

 

[SusannaC]

@RDIAG, great advice above.  Sounds like you’ve wandered for years, a bit confused, uncertain, doubting and hurting inside.  Depression seems like an inevitable result when it’s so hard to find answers to the sadness.  Until one day everything seems to fit together like a puzzle- and in my case, I wasn’t really AS crazy as I thought!  😁 

Labels do help some people to organize their thoughts on a topic and so you may need to think about your relationship with a label (or two)for awhile. Understanding and acceptance of reality may make the labels less necessary over time as you process.   
It’s a blessing you have her permission for outsourcing your needs.  Glad that this seems to work for you!  Your voice is heard & we “see” you here- and many of us do understand.  Welcome. 

[Memento1]

I didn't identify as asexual for many years because I thought it meant a full lack of attraction to people, and I had very strong romantic desire and attraction.  When I discovered romantic and sexual attraction were considered different things, I fully embraced the term.  That may be part of why she's not connecting with the label.  And that's fine.  It sounds like she doesn't need a label, and it generally causes more harm than good to try to force it on someone.  There's all sorts of asexual-adjacent identities that are similar to asexuality without being as strict, and I think many people fall in that gray area and don't feel fully understood as either "normally" sexual or fully asexual.  But it does sound like it would be helpful for you to understand it that way, to hopefully find some peace with it.  It sounds like it's been a long, painful journey for you, and I hope opening the marriage works out well for you - I think it's great that you're open to unconventional solutions!

 

Also, hi fellow Minnesotan!  Hope you're enjoying the good weather.

[BeakLove]

3 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

I’d also add that awareness augments with time. Believe it or not, I was here for almost 2 years before it dawned on me that my husband is also Aromantic. It is so obvious as he’s never held my hand but a few times, doesn’t snuggle, has never recalled a notable day, only touches me accidentally and has never spontaneously hugged me, yet I didn’t understand him as aromantic. 
 

Of course he’s aromantic! He hasn’t self identified as either aro or ace, and that’s fine. With or without the label, he will still forget my birthday, never hug me and never seek to hold my hand. 
 

He does a million other things to show he loves me. I have to appreciate those for what they are - consistent and stable love. Yes, I’ve learned that too. Love languages are different. His just happens to be through acts of service.

Does aromantic necessarily imply being unaffectionate and cold then? Because that's the implication here.

[Traveler40]

2 hours ago, BeakLove said:

Does aromantic necessarily imply being unaffectionate and cold then? Because that's the implication here.

That wasn’t my intention, yet is your interpretation. My aromantic husband is neither cold nor unaffectionate as you say; He very much expresses his care in his own way, which is what I believe was stated.

 

 

[ryn2]

From the outside that sounds like someone whose love language is very much not physical touch... not enough information to tell if he also sounds aro.

 

I wouldn’t necessarily read it as a negative judgment upon him.  It just doesn’t say “how could he be anything but aro?” to me.