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Coffee and a Lack of Empathy (game)


Ace-TheTimelordsCompanion

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sSevenOfSpadeƧƨ

Strap yourself to your bed tonight, and take it with you.

 

I'm hungry but I only want Popeye's chicken.

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Ace-TheTimelordsCompanion

Get some regular chicken, write "Property of Popeye" on it with a sharpie, and enjoy.

 

replying to facebook messages makes me nervous

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Start trolling facebook instead. Then You won't have anything to be nervous about because nobody will like You either way.

 

Strapping myself to the bed at taking it with me was the best idea ever, but now I have a severe back pain.

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Ace-TheTimelordsCompanion

Don't they say you should lie on the floor for back pain? So I guess you should strap yourself to the floor now?

Becoming a troll seemed like an awesome idea, but now everyone keeps 'yelling' at me in capslock

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Grey-Ace Ventura

Be the passive aggressive bigger person and reply to them in all lowercase but make your font size 72.

 

I want sushi but my favorite place upped their prices :(

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sSevenOfSpadeƧƨ

If you use the five finger discount, it becomes free. This also works with literally anything else.

 

I don't like the weather in my city.

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Phantasmal Fingers

Buy a pot of paint and whitewash all the signs on roads leading into your city that have its name on them. Then with red paint write the word HELL on the signs. Then convince yourself you live in hell. You'll be grateful that the weather isn't any worse than it is! 😃

 

I don't like going to the toilet. 

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Ace-TheTimelordsCompanion

Don't go there then, instead just pee on your surroundings to establish dominance .

It's 6am and I haven't slept yet

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Skycaptain

It'll be light soon and you can return to the coffin 

 

My toes are cold 

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Mackenzie Holiday

Will more circulation into your toes to warm them up.

 

I don't think my pet cat is very considerate of how their choices impact me.

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sSevenOfSpadeƧƨ

Go to couple therapy with your cat to work out your problems.

 

I'm watching Les Mis on repeat and I keep crying but I can't stop.

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Phantasmal Fingers

Buy a scaled down working model of a guillotine and put it on the table beside you whilst watching Les Mis. Insert one of your fingers into the guillotine and attach the string that drops the blade to your handkerchief. Put this in your pocket. 

 

You'll soon remember not to cry it if costs you one of your fingers each time you do! 😃

 

I've pissed all over my surroundings and have established dominance, @Ace-TheTimelordsCompanion. As a result the flat now reeks of piss. 

 

What now? 

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Marimbasticks

Uh, poopourri? 

 

I want a cool profile icon but I'm not artistic.

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sSevenOfSpadeƧƨ

Plagiarism is always an option (please, please don't)

 

So the guillotine idea was amazing, but I lost all my fingers and can't do my homework. What now?

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Phantasmal Fingers

Because of lockdown you can simply pay someone else to do it and never be found out. If the person you ask doesn't want to, simply kidnap one of their siblings and tell them you will post their sibling's fingers back to them one by one if they don't do a good job with your homework. Be cunning and simply post your own instead until your homework gets done! That way you stay top of the class and you don't become a (really) bad person! 😃

 

Now, because I took the hint from @Marimbasticks  my flat smells of sh*t as well as piss. I don't like it. Got any bright ideas? 

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erichamion

I was going to say use real poo-pourri, but that's supposed to be done before you go, so it's too late now.

So, um... burn the place down and move?

 

It's been too long since I've been to a bonfire.

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sSevenOfSpadeƧƨ

Attend the bonfire that @Moderne Jazzhanden may be hosting soon. It'll smell revolting most likely, but hey, at least you can make smores.

 

My brother is running around with his shirt off so I've locked myself in my room, but I'm really hungry and also don't want to die via shirtless midget screaming 'REEEEEEEEEEEEEE'. 

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50 rats in a trenchcoat

jump out the window, obviously

 

i cant focus on my math homework

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sSevenOfSpadeƧƨ

Burn it.

 

I broke my leg jumping out the window.

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50 rats in a trenchcoat

start a petition to ban windows

 

im being sent to jail for arson

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hexingkinase

Burn down the jail too.

 

I accidentally broke the first law of thermodynamics, I think I'm in trouble

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Ace-TheTimelordsCompanion

Relax, the first steps on the way to godhood will always be a little stressful, give it six days or so and then you can have a rest.

 

I have a shred of meat stuck in my teeth, but can

't be bothered getting up for dental floss

 

 

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Mackenzie Holiday

Just don't worry about it. After a while, the meat will decompose and you won't need to get it out anymore.

 

The pizza I ordered came with pineapple even though I specifically asked for NO pineapple. I'm not sure how disproportionately I should be reacting to this.

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Skycaptain

In light of the events in the USA, I won't post the response I was going to. 

 

Cancel your card payment, order another one from someone else, and use the original one to replace a missing manhole cover somewhere, so you can feel smug and full of civic pride 

 

My cats have shredded the curtains 

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Phantasmal Fingers

Simples! Shred yer cats. 

 

I think my curtains may be alive. 

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Ace-TheTimelordsCompanion

Borrow Sky's cat's.

 

My cat is still grumpy with me for taking him to the dentist

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sSevenOfSpadeƧƨ

Get a new one to make the first jealous.

 

I'm terrified of wasps, and where I live wasp season has basically started 

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50 rats in a trenchcoat

move to the ocean, wasps dont live there

 

apparently jails are made of concrete or something and hard to burn, and now the police are mad at me

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sSevenOfSpadeƧƨ

Jackhammers are a thing.

 

The F. B. I. is after me because I actually don't know why please help the sirens are so loud

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Let a wasp sting you in the ear, then you won't hear anything.

 

I still don't know what I want to be when I get older.

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