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Coffee and a Lack of Empathy (game)


Ace-TheTimelordsCompanion

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Ace-TheTimelordsCompanion

Tea and sympathy not your thing? Stop on by for a cup of joe and some terrible advice.

Give a terrible solution for the previous problem, then post your own personal problem (real or otherwise)

 

Inspired by wrong answer and terrible advice threads and groups

 

Rules: Some things are funny, some are still out of bounds. I'll give examples of things to avoid in the spoiler , but basically please don't step over the joke-line to things that aren't funny. 

 

Spoiler

TW mentions of sui r*pe, and child killing
 

Spoiler

Things I don't think are okay, even joking, include:
Advising someone to kill themselves.
Advising someone to commit rape/sexual assault
Advising hurting or killing children/babies

I'm sure I missed some, but basically use your common sense.


 


Example 
Player 1 
Advice

I have this terrible pain in all the diodes down my left hand side

Player 2 
Damage the diodes on your right hand side so they hurt too, now you're nice and even.

I can never find my keys

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Put up Missing-posters around the neighborhood. Just be sure to provide your address so anyone who find your keys can return them. (was I supposed to continue on the example?)

 

My houseplants always dies, no matter what I do.

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Man of the Stoa

Burn down your house and use the insurance money to buy the one West, so there'll only be one property with that address. If necessary, blackmail Jagger with knowledge of his drug operation to get him to sell. Make sure when you blackmail him, you confront him alone and don't tell anyone about it, since blackmailing is a crime and you don't want to be found out.

 

My neighbor's punk kids keep practicing their lame garage band late at night.

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Chocolatastic AroAce

Offer to join the group....they will be so repulsed by an "old" person ruining their band they will stop.

 

The bus schedule is awful where I live and I have been having to try and get rides just to get home at a decent time. I wish there was a way to make the buses better.

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But your own bus and start your own route.

 

 

How should I get out of hanging out with my brother.

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Ace-TheTimelordsCompanion

Give up on trying to sleep and just walk around in a halucinating, paranoid daze until you fall over where you are standing and sleep. From one insomniac to another that is the best way to get to sleep, never fails

34 minutes ago, Andrea KF said:

(was I supposed to continue on the example?)

 

 

Yes, and thank you, I should have made that clearer

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Use this next time you think you're not clear enough:

48178825_max.jpg

 

 

I bought a new pullover on the Internet, but it was the wrong size when I got it.

 

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Ace-TheTimelordsCompanion

Run a really hot bath, if the pullover is too big, soak it in the bath til it shrinks, if the pullover is too small, soak yourself in the bath so you shrink
Alternatively you could become a nudist

 

My cat always changes his mind about what food flavours he likes, so I never know what he will eat

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What’s that? Put vinegar in an empty one. 
 

@CBC text her back in Morse code.

 

 

What should I do until I get new glasses?

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RoseGoesToYale

Strap binoculars to your head and stand faaaar away from the computer screen.

 

My back aches. Any advice?

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Ace-TheTimelordsCompanion

keep your guinea pigs in your bedroom, and let them cuddle up in bed with you every night

 

I have chronic migraines

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LiveLaugh(Love?)

Pay a child to scream really loudly until your brain becomes numb and you cannot feel pain.

 

I am making macaroni and cheese but have no cheese.

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Man of the Stoa
1 hour ago, N8LV3y said:

What’s that? Put vinegar in an empty one. 

I'm pretty sure this would actually fix her problem

 

Cheese is basically old milk, so just put some milk out overnight and substitute it

 

My neighbor's punk kids keep ringing my door bell and running off by the time I answer it

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Scottthespy

Put confetti popper traps all over the lawn, so when they walk across they get blasted with loud sounds and paper dots.

 

 

My cat is too heavy, and sleeps on my leg, putting my leg to sleep.

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Sounds like your cat needs more exercise; you should put a leash on them and take them on a morning jog every day. Cats love that!

 

I'm kinda hungry.

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Grey-Ace Ventura

Eat toilet paper because people seem to be buying more of it than food.

 

My laptop has terrible battery life.

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Uninstall your current OS and install Windows 3.1

 

It's very stressful at work right now.

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Scottthespy

Plug it up with clay.

 

 

My computer mouse has gone missing, and I can't leave my house to get a new one.

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Phantasmal Fingers

Get very drunk and then snort enough coke so that you just don't care any more! Simples! 😀

 

I can't be arsed watering the flowers. I really like'em but I just can't be bothered. 

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Phantasmal Fingers

As any British parlementarian might say, may I refer my honourable friend to my previous answer? 😀

 

I want to go to the toilet but I can't be arsed doing that either... 

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Remove your digestive system. No bladder no problem. Plus you can then sell all the organs for profit later on. Bonus :) 

 

I want to redecorate but I don’t have money, 

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RoseGoesToYale

Go dumpster diving for cardboard boxes and tack up cardboard logos everywhere.

 

All of my neighbors won't stop screaming. What can I do?

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Scottthespy

Scream even louder.

 

 

There is a temporal vortex in my bathtub.

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Ace-TheTimelordsCompanion

Jump into it and see where it takes you 
"There's no point in being alive if you can't live dangerously" - The Doctor

If you land in a different time, congratulations, you are living the dream 
If you find yourself floating in the vacuum of space then you may find the following passage from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Useful

"What to do if you find yourself stuck with no hope of rescue: Consider yourself lucky that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given yourpresent circumstances seems more likely, consider yourself lucky that it won't be troubling you much longer"

 

 

 

My TARDIS won't land where and when I tell it to
 

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Man of the Stoa

Land it somewhere and sometime you don't want, then.

"There's no point in being alive if you can't live dangerously" - The Doctor

 

My neighbor's punk kids keep driving well over the 25 speed limit of our street.

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Ace-TheTimelordsCompanion

Jump in front of their cars and play chicken to give them a fright

(Don't do this!)

My heatpump is being very temperamental, and not always blowing warm air when it should, it is coming in to winter here

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Lee the asexual panda

Get a fever and be your own space heater

 

I want to talk to my friends but they won't text me back.

Edited by Lee the asexual panda
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blunose2772

Drive to their homes and shout at them through a megaphone.

 

My office chair broke

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