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Ace-TheTimelordsCompanion

Coffee and a Lack of Empathy (game)

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Ace-TheTimelordsCompanion

Tea and sympathy not your thing? Stop on by for a cup of joe and some terrible advice.

Give a terrible solution for the previous problem, then post your own personal problem (real or otherwise)

 

Inspired by wrong answer and terrible advice threads and groups

 

Rules: Some things are funny, some are still out of bounds. I'll give examples of things to avoid in the spoiler , but basically please don't step over the joke-line to things that aren't funny. 

 

Spoiler

TW mentions of sui r*pe, and child killing
 

Spoiler

Things I don't think are okay, even joking, include:
Advising someone to kill themselves.
Advising someone to commit rape/sexual assault
Advising hurting or killing children/babies

I'm sure I missed some, but basically use your common sense.


 


Example 
Player 1 
Advice

I have this terrible pain in all the diodes down my left hand side

Player 2 
Damage the diodes on your right hand side so they hurt too, now you're nice and even.

I can never find my keys

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Andrea KF

Put up Missing-posters around the neighborhood. Just be sure to provide your address so anyone who find your keys can return them. (was I supposed to continue on the example?)

 

My houseplants always dies, no matter what I do.

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CBC

Just start collecting dead houseplants. Don't get rid of them when they die. Fill your home with dead houseplants and make that your new ~aesthetic~.

 

People keep mistaking my address at [Street Name] East for the house at the same number at [Street Name] West. In the past few months, I've had several erroneous food deliveries, people looking for a drug dealer named Jagger, and received lots of mail that isn't mine.

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Man of the Stoa

Burn down your house and use the insurance money to buy the one West, so there'll only be one property with that address. If necessary, blackmail Jagger with knowledge of his drug operation to get him to sell. Make sure when you blackmail him, you confront him alone and don't tell anyone about it, since blackmailing is a crime and you don't want to be found out.

 

My neighbor's punk kids keep practicing their lame garage band late at night.

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Chocolatastic AroAce

Offer to join the group....they will be so repulsed by an "old" person ruining their band they will stop.

 

The bus schedule is awful where I live and I have been having to try and get rides just to get home at a decent time. I wish there was a way to make the buses better.

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N8LV3y

But your own bus and start your own route.

 

 

How should I get out of hanging out with my brother.

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CBC

Say you've got the coronavirus. Obvs. :P  (Maybe that's not actually bad advice...? 😂)
 

My 75-year-old mother uses way too many emojis and it drives me mental. Sometimes she just sends me rows and rows of emojis.

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Andrea KF

@Man of the Stoa Since You can't beat them, join them!

 

@CBC Send her this:💩

 

I suffer from Insomnia

 

 

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Ace-TheTimelordsCompanion

Give up on trying to sleep and just walk around in a halucinating, paranoid daze until you fall over where you are standing and sleep. From one insomniac to another that is the best way to get to sleep, never fails

34 minutes ago, Andrea KF said:

(was I supposed to continue on the example?)

 

 

Yes, and thank you, I should have made that clearer

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Andrea KF

Use this next time you think you're not clear enough:

48178825_max.jpg

 

 

I bought a new pullover on the Internet, but it was the wrong size when I got it.

 

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Ace-TheTimelordsCompanion

Run a really hot bath, if the pullover is too big, soak it in the bath til it shrinks, if the pullover is too small, soak yourself in the bath so you shrink
Alternatively you could become a nudist

 

My cat always changes his mind about what food flavours he likes, so I never know what he will eat

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DarkGloomSquid

Mix all the food together and if he doesnt want it offer him dog food.

 

Somebody keeps drinking all my energade and its costing me to replace

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N8LV3y

What’s that? Put vinegar in an empty one. 
 

@CBC text her back in Morse code.

 

 

What should I do until I get new glasses?

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RoseGoesToYale

Strap binoculars to your head and stand faaaar away from the computer screen.

 

My back aches. Any advice?

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CBC

Amputate it. Who needs a back anyway?

 

I hate cleaning my guinea pig's cage and don't want to bother anymore.

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Ace-TheTimelordsCompanion

keep your guinea pigs in your bedroom, and let them cuddle up in bed with you every night

 

I have chronic migraines

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LiveLaugh(Love?)

Pay a child to scream really loudly until your brain becomes numb and you cannot feel pain.

 

I am making macaroni and cheese but have no cheese.

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Man of the Stoa
1 hour ago, N8LV3y said:

What’s that? Put vinegar in an empty one. 

I'm pretty sure this would actually fix her problem

 

Cheese is basically old milk, so just put some milk out overnight and substitute it

 

My neighbor's punk kids keep ringing my door bell and running off by the time I answer it

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CBC

Constantly lie in wait by the door and answer it naked next time they do that.

 

(please, please do not. 😬😂)

 

I live on a street corner and I hate it when the kids from the high school a couple blocks away cut through my front garden.

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Scottthespy

Put confetti popper traps all over the lawn, so when they walk across they get blasted with loud sounds and paper dots.

 

 

My cat is too heavy, and sleeps on my leg, putting my leg to sleep.

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Zectarash

Sounds like your cat needs more exercise; you should put a leash on them and take them on a morning jog every day. Cats love that!

 

I'm kinda hungry.

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Grey-Ace Ventura

Eat toilet paper because people seem to be buying more of it than food.

 

My laptop has terrible battery life.

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Andrea KF

Uninstall your current OS and install Windows 3.1

 

It's very stressful at work right now.

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CBC

Yell at everyone (including lots of profanity) and announce that you're quitting.

 

The tap on my bathtub won't stop leaking and I've tried various minor repairs (none of which truly resolve the problem), but I don't want to get anyone into my house to fix it.

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Scottthespy

Plug it up with clay.

 

 

My computer mouse has gone missing, and I can't leave my house to get a new one.

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CBC

Here ya go.

 

11-Things-Mice-Dont-Want-You-to-Know-8-7

 

 

I keep losing my lighters and guitar picks because my brain is fried.

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Real Jazz Hands

Get very drunk and then snort enough coke so that you just don't care any more! Simples! 😀

 

I can't be arsed watering the flowers. I really like'em but I just can't be bothered. 

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CBC

Buy shitty fake ones that you don't need to care for. (Actually once again, maybe that's a reasonable solution?)

 

I'm tired and sad and want to take a nap but I can't seem to fall asleep.

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Real Jazz Hands

As any British parlementarian might say, may I refer my honourable friend to my previous answer? 😀

 

I want to go to the toilet but I can't be arsed doing that either... 

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Lichley

Remove your digestive system. No bladder no problem. Plus you can then sell all the organs for profit later on. Bonus :) 

 

I want to redecorate but I don’t have money, 

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