How should my child, age 16, respond politely

[Mom to Ace]

Our child is 16 and been asexual aromantic for as long as we can recall but when she chooses to tell people they all tell her she is too young to know what she wants, including a majority of her peers.  She needs a polite response.  Suggestions?

[LeChat]

Hmm...perhaps, something to the effect of, "Thank you for your concern; my parents and I have got this" or "Okay. Thanks; my parents and I have got this."

[Silme]

Aww you seem really supportive. If they were straight she could say something about how if they’re old enough to know they don’t like the same sex and so she is old enough to know she doesn’t like anyone like that 🤷‍♀️ 

[ThatGoofyGuy]

1 hour ago, Mom to Ace said:

She needs a polite response.

I'm not sure that a polite response is effective when you talking to intrusive and rude people, but Silme's response seems right. Now, if she needs a more provocative response I've got an idea.

[Mom to Ace]

I don't know that people are being intrusive. I think it's the reaction when she chooses to share that's driving her mad.

[guest-member-0100356]

I'm the same age as your child. My 'polite' response would be along the lines of "oh fuck off," said as flippantly as possible. 

 

I guess she could try laughing it off, or thanking them for their (unnecessary and unwanted) imput. The more sincere the better. If any of them are queer (or straight!) in some way, she could ask them what makes her asexuality and aromanticism different from their sexuality and romanticism. (So what @Silme said, after re-reading this thread.)

 

Person 1: "You're too young to know you're ace." 

Your Child: "You're the same age as me, but you're gay. What's the difference? How can you know you're gay, but I can't know I'm ace?"

 

Or, in a more petty way, being so overly curious about their opinion (yet still not understanding it) they give up out of sheer frustration. (Like, I don't understand. Can you explain it to me? ... Still don't get it.) 

[RoseGoesToYale]

I'll be honest... there's probably not a single response you could give to stop others from saying it, because people will react how they're going to react, no matter the subject at hand. It's like they say, you can't control other's reactions, only your own. Some teens out there are fairly sex-obsessed and won't see anything else anyway, she doesn't have to hang out with that crowd. The main thing you can do is support her as best you can (which it sounds like you do, which is awesome) and let her know that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of her orientation, only that she feels good about who she is and is confident in her own skin.

[thylacine]

I don't know why she has to tell anyone her orientation, as it is her own personal business, really.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

In the immortal words of @Homer: "Thank you for your opinion"

[Scottthespy]

I don't think there's a pithy, quick response that will put people in their place, but a heartfelt and cheerful explanation that 'this is how I feel right now, and its what I'm comfortable with. The future will hold what the future holds, and we'll deal with that when we get there' has always worked well for me.

 

For your daughter's sake, if this 'dismisal' is bothering her, perhaps tell her the following:

 

People have grown up and are growing up remembering times in their life when they said 'always' or 'never', only ten end up changing their minds. We've all done it. 'I'll never like broccoli', 'we'll always be friends', 'I'll never make my kids do that'. Sometimes we change our minds a few days later, sometimes years later. The older we get the better we know ourselves and the less of these mind changes we end up making. As a result, people are going to automatically assume that, at sixteen years old, anything that's not the majority way of doing things is going to end up being one of these situations where we we change our minds later. Its usually not meant to be insulting. Its just one of those things where the thing you've said seems unlikely to last. Especially since the thing you're saying occurs in such a small subset of people.

Personally, I was seventeen when I realized I was asexual, and twenty four when my mother realized she wasn't waiting for that to change anymore. The older you get, the less you hear the 'you're too young to know' or 'you're a late bloomer' argument, and the less people who've already made that argument will be waiting for you to 'change your mind'.

[Philip027]

Quote

In the immortal words of @Homer: "Thank you for your opinion"

That's probably the best way to go, really.

 

Sometimes the best kinds of "fuck you"s are the subtle ones.

[Guest]

I like the way Swankivy suggested in one of her videos. Basically, I may change in the future we can never say for sure. But, for now and for as long as I've known this is how I am. So please respect that. 

[Philip027]

I'm not fond of seriously entertaining, and thereby fueling, the opinions that basically state that no one (aces or otherwise) can ever be truly sure of their orientation.  Maybe you aren't certain of yours; that's fine, but don't assume that just because you don't know yours, it must mean nobody else can know theirs.  That's incredibly pretentious and arrogant.

 

Like, if someone says they're X and there is no current evidence pointing to the contrary, then how about just fuckin listening to them rather than trying to push your nerd spectacles up your face and proclaim that they never know and it could change tomorrow or whatever.

 

Orientation is kind of a personal/sensitive matter to open up about and the last thing someone who does this needs is your Commander Contrarian ass to show up.

[Memento1]

Ouch!  That is a touchy subject.  I can understand that she would struggle to balance her desire to be respected with a desire to respect others.

 

Instead of us telling you telling her what to say, you could have a conversation with her about how she feels in that moment, what she wants to get across, what she values, and what she thinks might be effective to say.  Guide her to find the words without giving them to her.  If she can come up with replies herself they will be more personally meaningful, plus it will help her develop skills for the future in navigating interpersonal conflicts herself.  Like that old saying, "give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime."  Just a thought, since my mother always gave me the words as a kid, and I feel as an adult it left me with little confidence in my own ability to express myself.  Good luck!

[everywhere and nowhere]

10 hours ago, Philip027 said:

I'm not fond of seriously entertaining, and thereby fueling, the opinions that basically state that no one (aces or otherwise) can ever be truly sure of their orientation.  Maybe you aren't certain of yours; that's fine, but don't assume that just because you don't know yours, it must mean nobody else can know theirs.  That's incredibly pretentious and arrogant.

And also homo-, bi- and asexophobic, because only people of minority sexual orientations are denied the right to have their self-understanding respected. I doubt that people who say such things don't know their own orientation - at least that's not usually the case. They rather believe that they know everyone's orientation better than the people in question beause they perceive only one orientation to be valid.

[gisiebob]

"I accept that you believe that."

[ryn2]

“I guess time will tell,” with “well, it sounds like we’re going to have to agree to disagree” added when people cross from observations into insistence?

 

And agreed that letting her talk (to you) through her feelings on their input, and what she wants to convey in return, is a good approach.

And also agreed that, in most social groups, no one ever asks the cis-het-sexual-identifying kids “are you really sure?”...

 

 

[AceMissBehaving]

That’s a hard one to answer. Something along the lines of “it’s something I’ve given a lot of thought to it and feel confident this is who I am, and this is how I’m planning my future. If one day something changes that doesn’t change how I feel today”

 

 

[Lie-RennyValkyrie_]

I'm young and ace and luckily I've never had that said to me really accept a odd 'well you are young, things might change' but my response would be something like

'People can experience sexual attraction from the start of puberty and start experiencing romantic attraction around then too. Everyone I know has had crushes. I have not. The age of consent is the age it is for a reason. People my age have sexual attraction. You may not realise it but trust me they do and I am perfectly aware of my own feelings.'

 

or "I am young yes and I'm aware things might change in the future but I'm pretty sure I'm asexual" (I always tend to leave it open to me being grey-a or demi in the future but I'm 99% sure I'm acespec at least)

 

or I have before just plainly ask them when their first crush was that shuts them up fairly quickly when they realise it was way younger than I am now.

[HikaruBG]

I'm very tempted to say "Tell her to respond with 'Ok Boomer' and to dismiss them as hard as she can".

I mean, what do you want me to say?

 

Honestly, there is nothing you can do for these people. It's just the Dunning Kruger Effect chasing them - they think that they can see the future, think that they are very smart and are just so sure that they know everything about everyone and anything (as if they are some sort of omniscient god or something). In reality these people are just hypocritical, delusional, self-absorbed, low IQ assholes with "I'm always right, no matter what" attitude (I can go on with the negatives description). These people just really need to get hit with the hard and harsh truth about reality, that not everyone is attracted to the same things and have the same interests as them, that they are not special or smart and should just really keep their mouth shut because they have no saying/authority over anything, especially not your daughter's interests and identity (or anyone's identity, really).

 

Anything they probably have said to your daughter can also be turned against them.

They are also 16 years old (as old as your daughter). How are they so sure of their own wants and desires? How are they are so sure of their own identity? How do they know that won't wake up some day, get hit with an identity crisis and say "Oh shit, maybe I'm not straight after all"?

But somehow, because your daughter came out as an aromantic asexual (a minority) now she is the one who is too stupid to know what she wants?

 

I also suspect that they have told that she would change her mind when she gets old (which again, can be used against them as well). They are wrong. These assholes don't have the ability to see what the future holds, so they should just shut their mouth up.

 

 

 

[Karst]

"That's your opinion."

[obstaclez]

honestly, how young is too young? lol 

 

tbh she can tell them her age doesn't matter because she still feels how she feels and that she'd appreciate it if they didn't try to invalidate her feelings.

[Anommamous]

On 4/24/2020 at 1:02 AM, Memento1 said:

 

Instead of us telling you telling her what to say, you could have a conversation with her about how she feels in that moment, what she wants to get across, what she values, and what she thinks might be effective to say.  Guide her to find the words without giving them to her.

I think this is great advice. I second it.

 

On 5/18/2020 at 2:09 PM, obstaclez said:

honestly, how young is too young? lol 

 

tbh she can tell them her age doesn't matter because she still feels how she feels and that she'd appreciate it if they didn't try to invalidate her feelings.

People need to stop saying crap like that. Life is a constant process. We don't just reach a certain age and suddenly figure things out.

Most people aren't "getting to know themselves better" as they get older; they're simply changing, as is completely natural. Why, then, do people refuse to take anyone in a younger generation seriously?

Whether a person is 6 or 16, they usually know themselves well enough to tell others about who they are. For example, if a 6 year old doesn't like green beans, someone older would likely tell them "You'll change your mind when you're older!" But that is completely beside the point. The fact of the matter is, they don't like green beans and that is part of who they are at that point in time!