Are there asexuals on here that enjoy sex?

[Whomadewho]

Im in still in a realtionship with a possible asexual girlfriend but we are back having a regular sexlife and it has been getting better every week as she opening up what she likes doing and is open to trying out different things in the bedroom.

For the last few months since lockdown, anytime I ask she has been enthusiastic and it starting to feel like she's desiring me.

Last Sunday we did the deed and she I asked if she enjoyed it, she said she did. She has told me previously she didn't enjoy sex, so I brought  that up and reason she gave was getting frustrated trying to reach orgasm with piv sex, as took so long . I asked 'why wouldnt you just tell me that' She said she didnt know how to.

Being honest I was a bit frustrated myself as I would put all my energy trying to make her orgasm only for her to loose it at the last minute which is why she would be frustrated. She loves having orgasm and we have now figured out a way that works for both of us. She is now also open to recieving oral which I enjoy doing and which she acually loves it now. 

My question is are there asexuals on here that enjoy sex and enjoy recieving oral, they may not desire them but enjoy them when received.

Although asking my girlfriend questions that point that she maybe on the spectrum,  she may or may not be on the spectrum, Im still trying to figure that out. Im still here though.

 

 

[MoraDollie]

Asexual here. I find sex fun in the moment but outside of that I'm just like "if it happens, great, otherwise I'd be cool without having it happen to me in my life again". I don't go out of my way to seek it out or have it. 

[Snao Cone]

There are asexual people who can have a good time with sex, yeah. It really varies from person to person, and it might not be a maintainable enjoyment the way it is with sexual people who have that innate desire. I'm glad you and your girlfriend are able to explore this and find ways to enjoy it mutually. In any relationship, no matter what orientations, exploring various avenues of intimacy is a significant task, and I hope it works well for you, whatever the outcome might be. 

[grez]

wouldn't know 😎

[brbdogsonfire]

26 minutes ago, grez said:

wouldn't know 😎

Does this response add anything of value to the conversation?

[binary suns]

It's uncommon but there are some. 

 

The thing is, that desire for sex is part of what sexual attraction is, so people who discover they want sex usually don't identify as asexual. Someone who wants to have sex because sex is pleasurable would identify as greysexual or as regular old sexual.

 

An asexual person who can enjoy sex would normally say something along the line of "I can take it or leave it, it's just not something I have any desire for, but I don't mind it." 

 

 

[Philip027]

Yeah, my partner and I can.

[MoraDollie]

Some of the issue is that there is no concrete definition (for laymen's or professionals) regarding "what exactly IS sexual attraction". My sexology dictionary (lovely book for anyone interesting in the science of human sexuality) while a bit dated (originaly published 1995), if I remember right tries to equate sexual attraction with sexual desire which isn't quite right, espicially when you bring in the concept of consent. I can double check later when I'm not working to make sure I'm giving everyone the right way it defines "sexual attraction". 

[AceMissBehaving]

My general experience of sex is that I don’t want or need it, but when the stars magically align, and I can give it a go and have it work out, it can end up physically enjoyable in the moment I think. 

 

(I say think because I’ll admit I’m generally focusing on giving my partner pleasure and a good time, and often somewhat disassociated, so I don’t know how reliable a whiteness I am to my own experience with it)

 

A lot of it is personal between all people sexual and asexual, like I personally hate receiving oral more than pretty much anything in the whole world, but that’s not necessarily an asexual thing, and very possibly more a me thing. 

[MoraDollie]

This is a pretty good explanation from what I've found of what sexual attraction is. We will never have global unity on this (everyone agree on one specific definition) but this is a pretty good definition from what I've seen floating around the internet.

[AceMissBehaving]

18 minutes ago, MermaidRomani said:

This is a pretty good explanation from what I've found of what sexual attraction is. We will never have global unity on this (everyone agree on one specific definition) but this is a pretty good definition from what I've seen floating around the internet.

I think this is a very narrow definition, and probably inaccurate for a large amount of sexual people. It might be a good description of sexual attraction at first sight, but that would be like saying all love is love at first sight or else it’s something else.

 

Edited to add:

 

I sent this to a chat group of sexual friends and their exact quotes are...

 

”Yeah, no. That’s horribly written”

 

“This definitely doesn't cover sexual attraction to me. That is terrible, and I’m on the hyper sexual spectrum. JUST WHAT?” (Emphasis theirs)

 

”I don't do that really almost ever to be honest. According to that I would fall on the ace spectrum and that's just not true“

[Philip027]

I was feeling a bit iffy about it as soon as I came across the phrase "someone looks at someone else" and if it were me I would refine that, but overall, I can't see what is so terribly wrong about it tbh.

[AceMissBehaving]

1 hour ago, Philip027 said:

I was feeling a bit iffy about it as soon as I came across the phrase "someone looks at someone else" and if it were me I would refine that, but overall, I can't see what is so terribly wrong about it tbh.

Because I think it greatly over steps talking about the quintessential nature of sexual attraction, and tries describing one variety of experience as universal when it is experienced very differently from person to person.

 

For example many sexual people are not ok having very graphic sexual fantasies about another person, many do need to know a person before they feel sexual towards someone. 

[AceMissBehaving]

First ☝️☝️☝️ believe sexual people!!! @CBC knows this stuff better than we do.

 

Second we talk a lot about different types of attraction. All of those are applicable to sexual people too, and work the same way. For asexual people the sex part of the missing link, but that doesn’t mean that for sexual people everything but the sex part gets thrown out the window.

 

I find it kind of rich that we can talk about the nuanced ways we feel aesthetic, romantic etc attraction, and lament the way so many outside of the ace community ignores the existence of split attraction, but then want to lump all sexual people into this single predictable thing with one way of experiencing one form of attraction, in one universal way.  

[Philip027]

Quote

Because I think it greatly over steps talking about the quintessential nature of sexual attraction, and tries describing one variety of experience as universal when it is experienced very differently from person to person.

Yeah, I didn't really get that same impression of it trying to define a specific experience as universal; it explicitly says "loosely defined" and "generally speaking" which are basically phrases that mean "YMMV!" so of course it's not going to jive with everyone.

[Guest]

42 minutes ago, CBC said:

Here's a thing... I don't even know that I could conjure up graphic fantasies of someone I don't have a connection to. I can acknowledge they're attractive, but if I try to actively conjure a fantasy of, say, a celebrity I think has a nice face, and picture doing naked sexy things with them, my brain is close to unable to do so. I'm not a huge fantasiser anyway, visually. I focus more on the energy of the connection, the emotional intensity, the idea of wanting and being wanted, the physical pleasure. It's hard for me to fantasise about anything that isn't a two-way street with an emotional bond.

I know I couldnt fantasize about anyone except my partner... and I certainly would not be sexually into any of it if I could. 

[GlamRocker]

Sounds like the girlfriend isn't an asexual at all, but just the victim of sexual politics. PIV doesn't achieve orgasm for a great deal of women, hence women's reputation for "not liking sex." Of course a great deal of them don't like "sex" if sex is considered PIV or bust (which it is), when so many don't orgasm from it.

 

I would be surprised if there aren't a LOT of women who think they don't enjoy sex merely because PIV is all that is offered to them, or considered necessary for them to perform or else it's "not really sex."

 

 

[Whomadewho]

20 hours ago, GlamRocker said:

Sounds like the isn't an asexual at all, but just the victim of sexual politics. PIV doesn't achieve orgasm for a great deal of women, hence women's reputation for "not liking sex." Of course a great deal of them don't like "sex" if sex is considered PIV or bust (which it is), when so many don't orgasm from it.

 

I would be surprised if there aren't a LOT of women who think they don't enjoy sex merely because PIV is all that is offered to them, or considered necessary for them to perform or else it's "not really sex."

 

 

@GlamRocker you could be right. Maybe we just have a problem with communication. What we are doing now she said she enjoys. She has told me she feels sexual attraction, but just could not commuincate what works for her, but she has also told she never gets horny, nothing turns her on, does not look at porn, never thinks about sex, doesnt have any fantasies, when she orgasms her orgasms are not directed at anyone, would this not contradict feeling sexuall attraction? 

 

[GlamRocker]

Just now, Whomadewho said:

@GlamRocker you could be right. Maybe we just have a problem with communication. What we are doing now she said she enjoys. She has told me she feels sexual attraction, but just could not commuincate what works for her, but she has also told she never gets horny, nothing turns her on, does not look at porn, never thinks about sex, doesnt have any fantasies, when she orgasms her orgasms are not directed at anyone, would this not contradict feeling sexuall attraction? 

 

Call it whatever you will... I'm not really allowed to say what's asexual and what's not on here without getting in trouble with the OVERLORDS, so... anyway, if she enjoys having sexual relations with you, it seems like what it's interpreted as and/or called is irrelevant. What's the difference between good asexual sex and good sexual sex? Hmmmmm lol

 

[Guest]

11 minutes ago, Whomadewho said:

@GlamRocker you could be right. Maybe we just have a problem with communication. What we are doing now she said she enjoys. She has told me she feels sexual attraction, but just could not commuincate what works for her, but she has also told she never gets horny, nothing turns her on, does not look at porn, never thinks about sex, doesnt have any fantasies, when she orgasms her orgasms are not directed at anyone, would this not contradict feeling sexuall attraction? 

 

Sounds like shes saying she experiences sexual desire and likes non-traditional sex...? What she calls it is up to her but, I mean, I don't like porn (but many aces do) and my getting "horny" tends to be responding favorably to my partners interest via responsive desire (common enough for women to be responsive). So, eh. Hard to say much based on what you are listing.

[Whomadewho]

5 minutes ago, GlamRocker said:

Call it whatever you will... I'm not really allowed to say what's asexual and what's not on here without getting in trouble with the OVERLORDS, so... anyway, if she enjoys having sexual relations with you, it seems like what it's interpreted as and/or called is irrelevant. What's the difference between good asexual sex and good sexual sex? Hmmmmm lol

 

As many posters have said in this forum, is it desired, does she feels like it a chore which has to be done, Is she really doing because she wants to or is she just doing to please me. Mutual enjoyment, I feel is essential.

I went through years of dry spells, hearing all sorts of excuses, so I would be a bit of a sceptic at this stage.

 

[GlamRocker]

@Whomadewho Oh, well, to that I can't say! I can't help you with being able to tell if she is faking it or not! I was under the impression from your earlier posts in this thread that she WAS enjoying it and had begun to feel desire once the manner of sex had changed!

[Whomadewho]

8 minutes ago, GlamRocker said:

@Whomadewho Oh, well, to that I can't say! I can't help you with being able to tell if she is faking it or not! I was under the impression from your earlier posts in this thread that she WAS enjoying it and had begun to feel desire once the manner of sex had changed!

@GlamRocker, I am just an overthinker, I must be just overthinking to much intead of just enjoying what I have now.

[anisotrophic]

@Whomadewho yeah at some point it's like, if it's working, it's working.

Having a partner tell you "yeah we can have sex, and I can enjoy it, and it's best ask & do it with the following guidelines – but I'm not attracted to you and I don't personally want sex with you or anyone else" the last part is kind of brutal so TBH I don't recommend trying to get to that sort of enlightenment.

[MoraDollie]

On 4/26/2020 at 3:06 PM, AceMissBehaving said:

Because I think it greatly over steps talking about the quintessential nature of sexual attraction, and tries describing one variety of experience as universal when it is experienced very differently from person to person.

 

For example many sexual people are not ok having very graphic sexual fantasies about another person, many do need to know a person before they feel sexual towards someone. 

Well like everything there can be a spectrum to it. I think it's REALLY hard to have a good definition for sexual attraction BECAUSE of how individualistic it is. There's also the issue of "How can I describe this in such a way that people who are totally confused by the idea in an easy to grasp way". As someone myself whose gone through sexual trauma, I always felt like personally growing up "how can I describe this" was completely beyond my grasp. 

[AceMissBehaving]

1 hour ago, MermaidRomani said:

Well like everything there can be a spectrum to it. I think it's REALLY hard to have a good definition for sexual attraction BECAUSE of how individualistic it is. There's also the issue of "How can I describe this in such a way that people who are totally confused by the idea in an easy to grasp way". As someone myself whose gone through sexual trauma, I always felt like personally growing up "how can I describe this" was completely beyond my grasp. 

Describing things is hard, with things like sexual attraction I think as simple as possible is the best way.

 

”Sexual attraction is feeling the desire to do sexual things with a particular person” is the one core element. How that plays out for people might be individualistic, but the end result is just that.

[anisotrophic]

@MermaidRomani I think it's really important to not over-simplify sexuality, especially for women. (Or perhaps: people in a female hormonal state.) Sometimes stereotypes of sexuality, especially in AVEN, propagate a stereotypical male pattern – emphasizing attraction to strangers, visual cues, and spontaneous desire.

 

That's not to say there aren't some women with that "masculine" pattern, but sexuality in women is generally understood to be more diverse, more *responsive* rather than spontaneous, more *idea* based rather than visual, more foreplay and overall sensation and less pleasure from PiV sex, and more likely to follow emotions of love and trust and affection. Cultural representations of sexuality (as with most things) tend to be male-centered. (And on top of that, IMHO, subtle de-valuation of femininity may lead some women to socially emphasize their "masculine" tendencies.) And not all men follow the stereotypical male pattern.

(I say female hormonal state because I'm in a male one now, and it has affected my sexuality a bit. I think… more easily aroused, broadly speaking – which can lead to more spontaneous desire, more amenable to casual sex.)

Yes, *sexuality* is a spectrum.

 

I think emphasizing stereotypical male patterns of sexuality may lead women to identify with an "asexual spectrum" when what they experience isn't so unusual. Asexual surveys find a lot of women and AFAB folks.

From this link, among respondents in 18 to 30 year age range…
https://cedar.wwu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1081&context=wwu_honors

 

* 63% identified as female (98% AFAB)
* 11% identified as male (31% AFAB)
* 26% identified as neither (88% AFAB)

This could be because AMAB individuals are more reluctant to identify as asexual, but I would also be concerned that a propagation of stereotypical masculine sexual response as descriptive of "sexuality" may lead some people to consider themselves "asexual" when they do not match those patterns.

[Guest]

7 hours ago, CBC said:

Ohhhh yeah. And I get tired of it so much.

 

Sexuality is so individual. I've never truly wanted to bang a complete stranger in my life, although I've experienced random attraction. That attraction does not result in physical arousal for me... no lady boners just because someone looks nice... and I don't mentally undress people and think about what it would be like to do [whatever sexual act] to them. And here's something that seems true of a lot of humans, sexual and asexual alike: random horniness. Not directed at anyone, just a biological desire for sexual release. I've seen so many asexuals post about how they really don't like masturbating, but they have to do it. And I believe that's true for them, for sure. I, on the other hand, basically never get randomly horny. I am by absolutely no stretch of the imagination asexual, and my body works absolutely fine otherwise. (My body is almost annoyingly responsive at times tbh haha, and I've joked that I'm 'easy'. I have trouble relating to people who say it takes them like 20 mins or something to get off; I can get the job done in a couple minutes.) I would be very miserable in a sexless relationship because I have a strong desire to connect sexually. It's vital to me. But if I masturbate, it's more of a mentally-driven choice than a biological need. If I was asexual and I hated masturbating, I could just not do it, easy-peasy. My body wouldn't nag at me. Also unlike many other women, I've observed absolutely no correlation between phases of my menstrual cycle and my level of interest in sex. It's much more connected to my mental state than any involuntary physical processes going on.
 

Get rid of stereotypes; they serve no one well.

I dont even experience random attraction. If I look at porn, I dont find it appealing. I never masturbated until I was 30 (and began experiencing actual meaningful sexual connection to my now wife). I never liked sexual relationships I had before her. I figure now it's because... they really were Male-centric sexual relationships, as @anisotrophic has worded it. It's the main reason I ID'd as ace for a while. I didn't fit what everyone was telling me I needed to be for a sexual heterosexual woman to please her man. 

 

Sex was PiV or oral or massive toys that belong in porn and not very good in reality. They expected me to be just randomly horny and I wasnt so it was stressful. They focused on making me physically feel good, while I have discovered 90% of sex for me is about feeling it emotionally. They wanted to make it last ages, while I found it painful before it was even halfway over. They wanted weird positions that allowed more pleasure for them, I just found them uncomfortable and not personal. 

 

My wife on the other hand was all about consent and making me feel comfortable. She focuses on making me feel good in whatever way I say I need. She doesnt push any type of sex, though she has her fantasies she shares. She is fine with me being responsive rather than spontaneous. And she even plays into that for solo stuff since I do have a libido after all (for 30 years I just didn't cause no one had sparked it) and she doesnt always meet it, but she flirts and shows she desires me which then sparks my libido, even if shes not in the mood to satisfy it, she keeps it active. 

 

But... if I didn't have her... then I'd just be completely non-sexual cause without something for my desire to respond to (and it takes that safety comfort zone to trigger that) it just doesnt exist at all - solo or partnered. And if she pushed for traditional sexual relationship stuff, it would be blah and turn me off like my exes. 

[Snao Cone]

10 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

This could be because AMAB individuals are more reluctant to identify as asexual, but I would also be concerned that a propagation of stereotypical masculine sexual response as descriptive of "sexuality" may lead some people to consider themselves "asexual" when they do not match those patterns.

I would post the "this" meme here, but I don't think you frequent JFF enough to get it. This is an absolutely important point, though. Sadly we're working in a cultural environment where a huge chunk of the population thinks it's bad to imply that women experience things differently, and it's also bad to imply that male-centered bias is still a thing. Mix that in with anti-invalidation and...... 

[potterhead29]

On 4/23/2020 at 2:43 PM, Float On said:

It's uncommon but there are some. 

 

The thing is, that desire for sex is part of what sexual attraction is, so people who discover they want sex usually don't identify as asexual. Someone who wants to have sex because sex is pleasurable would identify as greysexual or as regular old sexual.

 

An asexual person who can enjoy sex would normally say something along the line of "I can take it or leave it, it's just not something I have any desire for, but I don't mind it." 

 

 

Can you please clarify this a little more? I believe I’m on the spectrum, leaning towards greysexual. I have enjoyed sex in the past but rarely and I never seek it out or think about it. I pretty much don’t ever feel the need or want to ever have sex again. I’m just trying to find out more about it all so that I can understand myself better.