Raineacha Posted April 23, 2020 Share Posted April 23, 2020 Hello! Just recently joined and have been browsing many topics and questions over the past few days. I have a few questions, but one in particular. I am 34, and I thought at least, when I was younger I was looking for sexual relationships. Over the past 4 years or so, my interest, and indifference to sex has grown. Without talking to anyone, I consider myself flat asexual, with maybe romance, not sex, to someone with a deep connection. I have seen the term demisexual a few times, and that makes some sense to me as well. I am just at the mindset right now, and have been for some years, that sex just doesn't click with me. Sexual things in media and what not slightly disturb me, and will make me keep browsing to avoid, or change the channel. This community, and even tagging myself as asexual is something new to me. I never really had a label ever to call myself, or put myself under. This is all new waters to me. Any help, advice, or encouragement will be greatly thanked. I hope this makes some sense! Link to post Share on other sites
KathyHoh Posted April 23, 2020 Share Posted April 23, 2020 Welcome! With or without label, you will feel accepted and supported here. I always knew I was different from other people somehow but finally found the term asexual and that describes me very well. I was in my 30s as well when I first came across the term Link to post Share on other sites
Raineacha Posted April 23, 2020 Author Share Posted April 23, 2020 Thanks for your response! I've kinda fumbled around in relationships for years in my teens and twenties. All of them ending with a physical issue. Never really figured it out until a close friend keyed me in on this term and community a while ago. I'm glad there are others my age. I'm just trying to learn as much as I can. This place is a wealth of knowledge and questions/answers. Link to post Share on other sites
Snao Cone Posted April 23, 2020 Share Posted April 23, 2020 Hi and welcome! I also didn't really start considering that I'm asexual until I was in my 30s. This was after about 15 years of being completely underwhelmed/unmotivated by sexual experiences and always attributing it to something else. I've since talked to a lot of other people my age or older who came to this conclusion well into adulthood, so you're definitely not alone in only starting to explore this now. 44 minutes ago, Raineacha said: Without talking to anyone, I consider myself flat asexual, with maybe romance, not sex, to someone with a deep connection. I have seen the term demisexual a few times, and that makes some sense to me as well. This could make you demiromantic asexual - meaning an intrinsic desire to bond sexually with another person will never kick in for you, but there is a chance that the right emotional connection could eventually make you want to be with someone romantically. Link to post Share on other sites
Raineacha Posted April 23, 2020 Author Share Posted April 23, 2020 So many new terms haha! Thank you so much, that looks like something I should look into more now. Link to post Share on other sites
Snao Cone Posted April 23, 2020 Share Posted April 23, 2020 Here's a brief summary of romantic orientations if you want to dig in a bit more: https://www.asexuality.org/?q=romanticorientation Link to post Share on other sites
Raineacha Posted April 23, 2020 Author Share Posted April 23, 2020 Wonderful! I will definitely do that! Link to post Share on other sites
A-Panda Posted April 27, 2020 Share Posted April 27, 2020 Hello there, and welcome here. 🍰 We're of the same age, and I've only started finding out about asexuality (as in the term used here, not the biological mode of reproduction or the slur) last year by dumb luck. 😉 This community on Aven has helped me a lot with figuring out and coming to terms with where on the spectrum of sexuality I am. Looking back, I realise that most of what made me feel I needed to have realtionships that automatically included sex was social expectations (and the resulting expectations of the other party concerned in the relationship) and not innate desire for sex. My willingness to "play along" with a partner's sexual needs for their sake to the extent they wanted me to has deteriorated with growing older for me - which might align somehow with what you experienced with your growing indifference to sex in general? I found it surprisingly relieving to realise that what I feel is neither wrong nor "unnatural"/unhealthy nor restricted to myself, and also that not everybody has these things figured out right after puberty at the latest. ^^' I haven't yet had the guts to tell anyone in my offline life about considering myself ace even though, from all I know about the people in my life, I don't think I need to fear rejection - it's somehow a big thing to me still. I admire the casual way you seem to have about it. ☺️ Link to post Share on other sites
Raineacha Posted April 30, 2020 Author Share Posted April 30, 2020 You and me are about in the same boat! Younger I used to just go with things, not so much disgusted, more indifference and hormones. Later, like you, I have realized that I have a much greater indifference to it, and a little bit of disgust for certain things. So ya, that aligned pretty much the same way you did. I'm in the same boat as you for coming out to those offline. To this end, I'm sort of indifferent as well. I am happy I found some community that I actually fit in. As far as family, I have told a few, and that's about the extent of it for me. I don't really see to do too much more after that. If the tropic comes up, I might respond, if not, oh well. And yes, I try to take it casually. It is who I am, I have a community now, and something to I guess validate myself too, but ya. As far as going out of my way to announce, or anything else, I'm kinda meh. Have you had a need to want to tell people outside of the online community? I know quite a few here seem to want to spread the message, I do as well, but I plan do it a bit more privately, and only if it happens to come up. Let me know, thanks for commenting! Link to post Share on other sites
Lipbalm Posted May 1, 2020 Share Posted May 1, 2020 Welcome along. I would say try and meet people in person when it's allowed, you can end up making good friendships. There are meet ups here as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Janus the Fox Posted May 1, 2020 Share Posted May 1, 2020 I'll move to to Older Asexuals as it's more a question of age and QaA answers has gone on long enough. Janus DarkFox Questions about Asexuality, Asexual Musings and Rantings & Open Mic Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Megmac1987 Posted May 3, 2020 Share Posted May 3, 2020 Hello and welcome! I am 33 and I was lucky that I first discovered this community when I was 17/18. I was not interested in relationships/sex AT ALL when most of the people around me at 14-15 were discovering them. I thought I was a 'late bloomer' or just broken so it was a great moment to find out that not experiencing sexual attraction is a thing. Finding the term and this community early was great but the lack of understanding/straight up ignorance - especially from my family - has been hard. It can be very isolating but things are getting better all the time. I am much happier in my skin these days. Link to post Share on other sites
Raineacha Posted May 3, 2020 Author Share Posted May 3, 2020 I feel like I am hoping to go towards that way, getting more comfortable with who I am. My progression has felt like a downward spiral since teenage-hood. Trying to fit into a more sexual role, when Ive never really felt it. I've said a couple of times, it's only been the past few years that I feel like I have really come to terms with everything. Feels more like myself I guess. Not much has changed in the past 6 years or so, but I feel a little better with a community, and like people. Link to post Share on other sites
ClaryFray1984 Posted May 9, 2020 Share Posted May 9, 2020 Hi I'm 36 this month and for the longest time I thought there was something wrong with me because I just didn't want sex. I had one attempt at it - wedding night. It was a disaster. It was something i thought i had to do. Not wanted. I like kissing and cuddling but thats all. I lost 2 relationships because of it in part. Now I'm just wondering how and If I will find the guy for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Skycaptain Posted May 10, 2020 Share Posted May 10, 2020 @ClaryFray1984, welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂. Don't give up hope, there are like-orientated folk here. There are dating sites, but I've no experience of them. People have developed relationships through the forums, meet-ups (when they restart ) Link to post Share on other sites
ClaryFray1984 Posted May 10, 2020 Share Posted May 10, 2020 3 hours ago, Skycaptain said: @ClaryFray1984, welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂. Don't give up hope, there are like-orientated folk here. There are dating sites, but I've no experience of them. People have developed relationships through the forums, meet-ups (when they restart ) It's really nice just knowing I'm not alone and thanks for the welcome! Link to post Share on other sites
ClaryFray1984 Posted May 11, 2020 Share Posted May 11, 2020 So what are everyone's interests and stuff. I really want to expand my friend circle. I like shadowhunters. Roswell new mexico. Reading. Horror films and writing. What about everyone else? Link to post Share on other sites
Lisa Smith Posted May 14, 2020 Share Posted May 14, 2020 36 and didn't know asexuality was a 'thing' until my late twenties/early thirties, but didn't take it seriously and just assumed I was going through a phase of not being interested in sex or being with the wrong partner etc. It's just not interesting to me. Sex = Pregnancy, STDs and UTIs - none of which I want. I have no desire to have sex and just find the whole thing ridiculous and pointless. And messy. And time consuming. Most relationships have just been about sex and it's just bad. I want someone who wants me as a person, not because they want to have sex etc. it's not gong well so far x Link to post Share on other sites
ClaryFray1984 Posted May 14, 2020 Share Posted May 14, 2020 11 hours ago, Lisa Smith said: 36 and didn't know asexuality was a 'thing' until my late twenties/early thirties, but didn't take it seriously and just assumed I was going through a phase of not being interested in sex or being with the wrong partner etc. It's just not interesting to me. Sex = Pregnancy, STDs and UTIs - none of which I want. I have no desire to have sex and just find the whole thing ridiculous and pointless. And messy. And time consuming. Most relationships have just been about sex and it's just bad. I want someone who wants me as a person, not because they want to have sex etc. it's not gong well so far x I know exactly how you feel. It's awful that sex is just expected at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
ClaryFray1984 Posted May 27, 2020 Share Posted May 27, 2020 On 5/24/2020 at 8:10 AM, Lacey01 said: Hi! I’m 31 and also really just figuring this out. It’s kind of jarring (in a good way) to read so many of my own thoughts or feelings in other people’s posts and thing “huh maybe I’m not just broken or damaged”. I feel like moving into my 30s has almost made me confident enough to trust my feelings, not force myself into sexual situations/relationships because ‘of course I must want one’ I love Roswell NM! I was a huge fan of the original in high school but am loving the reboot even more Me too with roswell nm. PM me if you like chatting about it. Link to post Share on other sites
PositivelyAce Posted May 28, 2020 Share Posted May 28, 2020 I'm 31 and have been identifying as asexual since I was 26. I have never been in a romantic relationship although I would like to be (but I guess assuming sexuality had to be part of it used to make me confused and scared about it). I joined AVEN in 2016 but I found myself overwhelmed at first and wasn't ready to talk here yet. I'm not really out but that is something I would like to do one day with some people, especially any partner I may have. Link to post Share on other sites
Nylocke Posted May 31, 2020 Share Posted May 31, 2020 I found out I was asexual in my early 20s and turned 30 last September(so I'll be 31 this year). It hasn't been too bad for the most part. I'm mostly apathetic towards dating and relationships but then nowadays relationships don't really mean anything anymore so its kinda a waste really. I've only been in 2 real relationships in my whole life and while 1 crashed and burned after 2 months shy of a year the one I'm in now has been on life support for about 3 years xD Obviously being in a long distance relationship where you haven't seen the SO in about that time is a pretty blunt example of having a relationship dead on life support :P Link to post Share on other sites
Gazz83 Posted June 7, 2020 Share Posted June 7, 2020 I can't even say when I decided to just go with being asexual to be honest. All I have known is sex isn't on my mind. I have dated a woman (nothing serious), considered I might be gay. Thought maybe the time just isn't right and at some point I will know. In all reality.. I just don't care. I have always said it's just how I am. It was actually my stepmother that first used the term asexual for me. And that I can tell you is a shock! She really has come leaps and bounds with people in recent years. Its not good seeing you guys looking for something and having a bad time with it. I say keep hope! There's someone out there for everyone if they want it. Also are u talking about the tv show Roswell? I didn't know there was an updated version of it. I myself have loads of shows I am into. Currently due to lockdown I seem to be engrossed in Ru Pauls Drag Race😁. Not something I would normally watch. Not long binged on the series Money Heist. That was superb! and just now I started season 4 of 13 Reasons Why. Link to post Share on other sites
ClaryFray1984 Posted June 14, 2020 Share Posted June 14, 2020 On 6/8/2020 at 12:07 AM, Gazz83 said: I can't even say when I decided to just go with being asexual to be honest. All I have known is sex isn't on my mind. I have dated a woman (nothing serious), considered I might be gay. Thought maybe the time just isn't right and at some point I will know. In all reality.. I just don't care. I have always said it's just how I am. It was actually my stepmother that first used the term asexual for me. And that I can tell you is a shock! She really has come leaps and bounds with people in recent years. Its not good seeing you guys looking for something and having a bad time with it. I say keep hope! There's someone out there for everyone if they want it. Also are u talking about the tv show Roswell? I didn't know there was an updated version of it. I myself have loads of shows I am into. Currently due to lockdown I seem to be engrossed in Ru Pauls Drag Race😁. Not something I would normally watch. Not long binged on the series Money Heist. That was superb! and just now I started season 4 of 13 Reasons Why. Hi yeah there is a remake called roswell nm. I've had to order it from Australia as not out in uk. I'm a shadowhunters, roswell nm, haunting of hill house person. Lol Link to post Share on other sites
LHan Posted June 16, 2020 Share Posted June 16, 2020 On 5/28/2020 at 2:32 PM, PositivelyAce said: I'm 31 and have been identifying as asexual since I was 26. I have never been in a romantic relationship although I would like to be (but I guess assuming sexuality had to be part of it used to make me confused and scared about it). I joined AVEN in 2016 but I found myself overwhelmed at first and wasn't ready to talk here yet. I'm not really out but that is something I would like to do one day with some people, especially any partner I may have. Also 31 and also figured myself out around 26 or 27 😂😂🤣 oh and also not "out." The only thing I've been struggling with the past year is if I'm actually biromantic. I just assumed I was aro. I definitely experience aesthetic attraction/appreciation to both sides. Not entirely sure if me wanting to get to know someone better and be friends is just that.. I want to be friends! Or that I'm actually romantically attracted to him/her. Struggles. Link to post Share on other sites
auntjessie Posted June 19, 2020 Share Posted June 19, 2020 I, too, identified myself as asexual in my thirties. I always knew I was different from my high school and college friends because they were always focused on being with guys. I never had the urge to throw myself at anyone who looked my way and the older I got I worried something was wrong with me. When I discovered asexuality and this community--of which I am still new to but love--I felt instant relief. I am glad everyday I found this site and am now becoming more comfortable with telling my friends and family that I am asexual. Some, I'm surprised to find, know the term. For most, though, I have to explain what it is, but they have all been understanding. I love getting the opportunity to talk with fellow aces on here. We are here for each other no matter what. Link to post Share on other sites
what'sinaname Posted July 25, 2020 Share Posted July 25, 2020 I'm 38 and have been questioning for a long time. This weekend I decided to look into asexuality. Reading and hearing people talk about their experiences on blog, YouTube and this forum was the first time I have ever been able to wholeheartedly say "I felt that too" about anything related to sex or relationships. All my life I've been afraid of intimacy to the point I've questioned what is wrong with me but reading about asexuality I'm convinced that fear is because intimacy would inevitably raise the issue of sex, so I've just been avoiding the issue by avoiding relationships. That realization has been such a relief. Whenever I decided I must be gay, straight, bi, it never felt right, the thought saying it out loud to myself gave me anxiety but saying out loud to myself that I'm asexual feels comfortable and right. When I picture going out with someone who is asexual I don't get that pit in my stomach. I've never experienced that before. Link to post Share on other sites
Snao Cone Posted July 26, 2020 Share Posted July 26, 2020 Welcome, @what'sinaname and congratulations on making this big leap. There's a lot yet to explore, but I'm glad that opening your eyes to asexuality has already made such a difference. Link to post Share on other sites
Skycaptain Posted July 26, 2020 Share Posted July 26, 2020 @what'sinaname welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂 Link to post Share on other sites
ClaryFray1984 Posted July 26, 2020 Share Posted July 26, 2020 I'm lonely sometimes. I hate myself sometimes and sometimes I'm climbing the walls...not literally. Because I'm human. I have times when I see the future alone and it's scary. So I come here and post. 36 and still learning. Link to post Share on other sites
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