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I found my journal from last year...


mistyyy_dayyy

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mistyyy_dayyy

i found this entry that was weirdly introspective,, im not sure why but I wanted to do something with this so here you go

 

I think there's something wrong with me- although I'm trying my hardest not to see it as a fault. When I was little, my friends started to talk about boys. They asked me one day, sitting under the oak tree on the field, who I had a crush on. I didn't have an answer, but that didn't seem like an acceptable response. So I pointed blankly into a group, hoping they would assume whatever they wanted. When we got to middle school, they got more serious about things that seemed very silly to me. They decided we needed to pair off and announce our crushes so that the world could deem us worthy or unworthy of validation. When people asked me who I liked, I said I had a boyfriend, but he moved away, breaking my heart and forcing me to swear off relationships for the foreseeable future. They bought it, probably because they didn't care enough to question it. So I bought myself more time, bit by bit. Then I found out I could like girls. It seemed like the obvious answer to all my frustration. If not one, then the other. So I came out, and for some reason, I expected that to fix something. I soon found out that I wasn't particularly interested in girls either. No one seemed to give me butterflies in my stomach-lightning never struck. Some part of me felt like I finally made some improvement with myself, but it fell apart eventually. The same insecurities that ate away at me in childhood came back. I would think of a girl holding my hand and laughing with me, but I realized I could have that in a friend all the same. I thought it would be nice to have someone to love and who loved me. I still feel like that sometimes. Every so often, I look at someone and feel admiration, even infatuation with them. But then I find out that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend and I'm not disappointed. It doesn't affect me as much as it probably should. Something is wrong with me, I think. I look at people without thinking of sex or romance because those things affect me so little. A simple crush could never stand up to the affection of a friend. Beautiful people are everywhere, but I never see them like I suspect my peers do. So I use the name asexual. It's seemingly the perfect term, but it still feels off. The impossibility of proving a negative can be overwhelming. It feels like someone else's word that I'm merely hiding behind. It feels like there's no right answer. Every name or description I find is comfortable at first but eventually tears itself up. There's something wrong with me- and I probably need to learn to live with it. 

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Prince Candy

There's never anything wrong with anyone, ever. The existing categories were made by people to try to define normality, which is why anyone that doesn't belong to those categories will feel abnormal at first. Yet, that's the wrong mentality. There's nothing abnormal with you- we're all people. It's just that no one has made the category for you yet. I'm sure you're not the only person feeling like this, since there's 7 billion people in the world.

I also felt something similar when I was in middle school and then again in high school. Girls around me were obsessed with romantic stories, celebrity crushes and had real-life crushes too. However, in that time, I only had one platonic crush, and could never relate to anything more than a platonic love. When they talked about sex, I'd be like "can't relate but ok". For the longest time, I thought it was just that I had a slower sexual maturation, but now at 24 I realize that it was that I had no such development. Even if no one from my family wants to accept it, I'm romantic asexual.

I think it's nice to feel like there are people like myself, and that I wasn't weird for never feeling sexual attraction. I can't tell what you are, but I'm sure you'll figure it out in due time. It's not that you're weird, you just don't yet know yourself and there's nothing weird about that :)

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mistyyy_dayyy
39 minutes ago, Prince Candy said:

I can't tell what you are, but I'm sure you'll figure it out in due time. It's not that you're weird, you just don't yet know yourself and there's nothing weird about that :)

I hope in time I'll be able to figure myself out and get comfortable with all this. I will say I was feeling a tad melodramatic when I wrote this so it probably isn't as world ending as I made it sound 😂

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Prince Candy
2 minutes ago, mistyyy_dayyy said:

I hope in time I'll be able to figure myself out and get comfortable with all this. I will say I was feeling a tad melodramatic when I wrote this so it probably isn't as world ending as I made it sound 😂

Haha it's ok, I have melodramatic moments myself 😛 It's not world-ending but still it's something important for some people to find out about. Fortunately we got a lifetime to learn about ourselves haha

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