Is Coming Out on Being Ace TMI for Allos?

[badbunny ll bonnie]

At least in school settings, I've always been fairly out to anyone who asked. I've never really had a problem with mentioning that I was ace if sexuality as a topic came up. And considering how a majority of my friends are LGBT+ it's never really been a problem on being comfortable to come out at least among them. However, recently I've been rethinking some of my past experiences on coming out to new people and reanalyzing their reactions. And almost as they all always seem awkward and get quiet after I bring up the fact that I was ace. In the moment, I don't really think about it, I tend to suck with social ques and reading people's reactions as a whole. But looking back on it, I'm thinking over and realizing that some of them may have been uncomfortable or something. After all, when most people think of sexuality they don't really think of the split attraction model and consider that sexuality = romantic orientation. But with being ace, it's more concerned with the sexual attraction aspect of course. And with that in mind, it just makes me wonder if that close interaction with actual sexual attraction may be concerning to some allos. After all, it's not like anyone important anyways is concerned with my own sexual attraction and if anything it can make them uncomfortable hearing about this because it seems like seems like too much to hear about a person. I just don't want to weird people out with my orientation in general and was wondering if anyone else thinks this is the case or have experienced something like this.

[Snao Cone]

If it makes people uncomfortable then that's their problem. What about it is TMI? Does it disrupt their assumptions about everyone being sexual? Does it make them more conscious of their own sexuality and worried that it's exposed? Some people get uncomfortable with the knowledge that another person is gay because it reminds them that diversity is a thing. That's their problem. 

[Emery.]

Yeah, some people act like that. I’m bi, but I’ve got that too. Unless it’s too graphic, what is wrong with saying who you consider dates with and if you are up for sex or not in general terms? I would perceive as too much maybe talking how was the sex I had yesterday and what happened during it, like, who got wet and all? But something that general... nah. 

[Rhyn Corinn]

I've worried about it too, especially since basically everyone I know is Christian and seem to have some weird taboo about discussing anything sexual. (Just to be clear, I'm Christian as well but I don't agree with the taboo on sexual discussion.) Now, back when I didn't know asexual (and thought everyone was more or less like me), I didn't mind it. I wasn't interested in sex or even really aware of it, so it didn't bother me that no one was talking about it. But now that I know people usually assume everyone is straight unless otherwise stated, I just want to come out to everyone and be done with it. I'm fine with other people wanting sex, but I can't stand the thought that people just assume I'm sexual. Why is that the default assumption?!

 

My mom has acted really weird towards the idea of me coming out, though I never pushed the subject so idk for sure. I haven't come out to many people irl but I imagine most of the people I know would be at least somewhat uncomfortable. Honestly, I genuinely don't know anymore how allos feel about sexual discussion; my reaction to anything sexual is about as neutral as you can get, so I have no way to gauge how much is TMI. (It also doesn't help that I'm on the autistic spectrum, so I never know what other people are thinking anyway.)

 

As far as I'm concerned, telling someone you don't experience sexual attraction and/or don't want sex is not TMI. If they prefer you don't discuss it any further, that's fine. For me personally, I'm not going to keep 'posing' as straight just because someone is offended by so much as hearing the word 'sex'. If coming out as ace is important to you, no one has the right to tell you not to.

[Emery.]

6 minutes ago, United Pizza 149 said:

everyone I know is Christian and seem to have some weird taboo about discussing anything sexual.

Oh, definitely the Christians act this way. I also wanted to say that. 

[plupiter]

 Sometimes people are made uncomfortable by their own natural reaction and how wrong and awkward it feels - that is when someone pities it, infantilizes it, etc To a lot of people's minds, unfortunately, asexuality is sad yet not tragic - a mixture that is certain to trigger an awkward aversion. (Obviously it's not supposed to be sad but people tend to view it that way.)

   People also don't really know how to react to any "I don't do"s or "I don't experience"s if they're the norm in their circle. They have a hard time understanding its implications , initially seeming like an irrelevant subtraction to life - they ignore its additions to our experience, and it can feel like it's passing judgment on those who do experience or do whatever thing.  

    I think the reason why it might look like it's TMI for people when you come out is because the information demands a higher level of relevancy given how apathetic people are about it. It's very easy for them to be annoyed with the information and aggressively ignore it. People are irritated if you bring it up unprompted. You'll incite similar reactions if you say "I don't drink". "I don't like x (popular) music/film.", "I'm a vegetarian", or if among women you say "I don't wear make up." or among a community open to drugs you say "I don't do drugs.". Sometimes those negatives also make them feel disconnected from you, make other's feel like you don't "get it".

 

  As to your theory that people are made uncomfortable with asexuality because it forces them to focus on sexual attraction, I would disagree. People have that TMI reaction even if you bring  up asexuality with the meaning of aro/ace, with no introduction to split attraction. They tend to have the opposite reaction in that respect, completely desexualizing you sometimes to inaccurate points. They tend to feel safe and innocent and pure about it. Their reaction really doesn't have anything to do with it being very private and least of all very sexual. A few people might feel like expressing asexuality is an attack on sexuality itself and even their own sexuality, but most people are fully comfortable with the idea of sexual attraction in its most primal form.

[Skycaptain]

I'd say that for most it's not TMI, more uncertainty as to what asexuality is. I'd not be surprised if a straw poll was conducted amongst the population at large, that they percentage who know what L, G, B, T, are is far higher than the number who know what asexuality is. If they don't immediately say "that's great, OK" or similar, it's most likely because they don't want to show that they don't know what you're talking about. 

[Ella Joy]

One of the first people I came out to has been questioning since we were thirteen, and now identifies as bisexual (gender identity TBD). And the other person there watched all that happen, so while they're both allo, they were also both pretty chill about it. 

 

But there's definitely been some "oh great! good for you!" and then quietly rushing off to google what asexuality means. So it hasn't been TMI in my experience yet, just unknown. 

[Guest]

On 4/16/2020 at 1:49 PM, United Pizza 149 said:

But now that I know people usually assume everyone is straight unless otherwise stated, I just want to come out to everyone and be done with it. I'm fine with other people wanting sex, but I can't stand the thought that people just assume I'm sexual.

Gotta love that. 🙄

 

Also, I've gotten the 'I'm kind of uncomfy' impression from at least one person, but they just told me they were uncomfy without any sugarcoating and everything was fine after that. My experience with telling people about the math fetish (which I shouldn't have told some of them about) has been 10 times more painful, though.

[Rhyn Corinn]

46 minutes ago, cAROlyn said:

My experience with telling people about the math fetish (which I shouldn't have told some of them about) has been 10 times more painful, though.

Yeah, I imagine that would be uncomfortable. At least you don't have to worry about people questioning your morals or thinking you're a psychopath, though. I've avoided telling most people about my fetish because I suspect I might get responses like that.

[Theresa34]

I don't know if it's considered TMI or not, but I will say this: I find it very ironic how asexuals are the only ones who have to talk about sex when they come out. Gay people can say 'I like the same gender' and bi people can say 'I like all/both genders' or even 'I'm attracted to all/both genders' but asexuals have to say 'I'm not SEXUALLY attracted to anyone'. I guess because asexuality is splitting sexual and romantic attraction, it can get quite personal quite quickly? Idk if that makes sense?

[Skycaptain]

@Theresa34, just look at all the definition debates on this forum and you'll see why everyone talks about it 😋😋

[letusdeleteouraccounts]

I was actually thinking about this during Aromantic Awareness Week. I came out as aromantic on my Instagram and I was considering coming out as asexual. I ended up not doing so because I thought it would be TMI to mention, on my Instagram story, sex or even my lack of desire towards people to have it

[LHan]

I wouldn't say it's tmi. Most "normal" "straight" people are oblivious to a lot of LGBTQA+ stuff and don't even know what asexuality is. I'm not out and I don't intend to out myself either (because it's nobody's business lol), but I have brought up asexuality a few times and these normal straight people reaction is always "what is that?" 

[DarkStormyKnight]

Lol if they think it's TMI then it's their problem, if you can come out as gay and have it be totally fine then you can come out as ace as well. Personally I care about visibility too much to shut up just because someone is uncomfortable with me not wanting sex.