coming out stories

[Jo_March]

I've been thinking of coming out to my friends as asexual, and I became curious on what has happened to other people. So if you wish to share, please do so below.

[Bio 7]

I was speaking to my brother and essentially just started talking about it. He then told me about BoJack Horseman and kept pestering me to watch it because it’s brilliant but also there’s an ace character. I regret putting it off for any length of time, it was great.

 

I sort of told my friend and she didn’t really react because it wasn’t a big thing and she is LGBTQ anyway.

[Skycaptain]

Moved from asexual relationships to Musirants, Skycaptain covering moderator Asexual Relationship 

[❤️cake]

Hello! I’m in a similar boat, I am thinking of telling my parents I’m ace but I’m pretty certain they’ll go down the ‘your too young’ root out tell me I’m jumping to conclusions, any advice would be appreciated thanks,! 😊 

[AmusedSkeptic]

When I came out to my mom, she reacted as I expected. She was ok with it but didn’t really understand. I answered her questions the best I could. Since she was a bit ignorant, she said some things that could’ve been hurtful if I didn’t know she didn’t mean them. When I pointed out those comments/questions, she apologized.

My tip is to be REALLY patient. If you think the person you’re coming out to won’t completely understand, try and have your goal as explaining asexuality instead of just telling them that you’re asexual. You might try sending them articles about asexuality so they have good sources.

 

Remember to go at your own pace. Coming out to someone isn’t required.

[sierraa]

I have come out as asexual to multiple online friends and distant real life friends and not one has dismissed it or said one of those phrases we all know. 
"You're not old enough."
"You haven't found the right one."
"Go to the doctor, it might be hormones." 

I think with my mother it would be different - I know she wouldn't understand. I told my mother I was bisexual at 12 and she said I couldn't be because I hadn't had sex. Like, thanks, mum. 😬 (She is not homophobic but unless I was a lesbian she would not understand my sexuality in the slightest). I realise age 12 is young but parents should always support kids if they have the strength to tell them their sexuality even if it doesn't stick forever.

So, only come out if you need to. There is no rush to come out to anybody, and there is no need to explain why you haven't got a partner, etc yet.
 

[Shanjace]

I told my close friends a few months ago and they seemed fine with it. They don't care, and it almost never comes up in conversation unless theres a quick joke. I know that they still don't fully understand what it means so I have had to explain it several times. I'm glad I told them because even though they don't care too much, they understand me better now and will stop pestering me about boys. It was a weight off my shoulders for my friends to know. 

 

Thats what happened in my case so idk what your friends are like, but if you are ready to share then i wish you good luck 🙂

 

[TakkyTakk]

I had first told my closest friend one night at a bar. it had been a tough summer, one of self-discovery.  my friends had been trying to hook me up with one of their other friends and it ended with me finally accepting that I was asexual. Towards the end of the summer that was when I let my friend know, who had been very accepting.

I then started to let just a few other friends know, one of them had been skeptical but supportive and the others were supportive.\

 

I didn't tell a member of my family until maybe a year later. My brother, someone who I know would most likely get it and wouldn't grill me.

We had been drinking and once we got back to his house we stated talking, he had just gotten out of a really bad relationship. I told him I was asexual and he asked me to explain what it was but that he thought he might know what it was. When I explained it he laughed and said one of his closest friends was asexual. We started to talk about the difference between love and sexual attraction "Wait but you can still love people right?" "Yes, I can still love people lol".

It was a really positive experience for me. 

  

[Artemis42]

I’ve told four good friends about my identity. They were all really accepting and were already familiar with asexuality; one of them was ace herself. I told most of them through electronic means, one over text and a couple in a group chat we were in. I told one in person that I was questioning, then later came out to her again over text when I had things figured out more. I’m not ready to tell my mom though ... I started writing a letter a couple weeks ago explaining everything that I might give to her one day, but that might not be for a while.

I wish you luck and hope things go well for you!

[PaulinaG]

I mentioned asexuality to my friend once. She was cool about it. I didn't say anything about MY identity. However, it was a kind of a coming out for me. Another friend of mine knows more. It seemingly isn't a problem for him. I also came out via Internet on three seperate occasions...  Joining this forum is a coming out, too!

 

However, I wouldn't be comfortable with coming out to any of my parents.

 

For me, coming out is related to living my identity. It is a complicated matter, too. Also, coming outs differ. Remember not to be too harsh on yourself!

[doggalogga]

Most of my friends are not mature enough to handle it without judgement

 

I knew one friend who would be respectful, and he was!

In my experience, I gauged the maturity of my friends and decided who I could trust. My judgement was correct

 

Now, my other friends could be okay, but when they spend so much time talking about getting head jobs and masturbating, I just feel they're not mature enough.

 

The one friend I did share with, he's shared plenty of his mental workings with me and there's a total trust there. It's mutual.

[❤️cake]

On 4/17/2020 at 11:29 PM, ♾TheGoodDemonKeeper♾ said:

When I came out to my mom, she reacted as I expected. She was ok with it but didn’t really understand. I answered her questions the best I could. Since she was a bit ignorant, she said some things that could’ve been hurtful if I didn’t know she didn’t mean them. When I pointed out those comments/questions, she apologized.

My tip is to be REALLY patient. If you think the person you’re coming out to won’t completely understand, try and have your goal as explaining asexuality instead of just telling them that you’re asexual. You might try sending them articles about asexuality so they have good sources.

 

Remember to go at your own pace. Coming out to someone isn’t required.

Thanks that’s really helpful!

[❤️cake]

These stories have been so encouraging and motivating! Thanks so much for sharing,  it means so much to know there’s people out there who like helping!

[PaulinaG]

10 hours ago, ❤️cake said:

These stories have been so encouraging and motivating! Thanks so much for sharing,  it means so much to know there’s people out there who like helping!

I find the idea of platforms for sharing stories, experiece and advice really important. I'm thinking about benefits connected with both, people who consider coming out and people sharing their stories etc.. For example, writing my messege was important for me, too.

 

And, BTW, there is another thing. I think it is important, as well. Maybe we associate coming out with stating our identities. But suggesting your identity, speaking about it without naming it, explaining a part of it etc. are not automatically worse than that!

[❤️cake]

1 hour ago, PaulinaG said:

I find the idea of platforms for sharing stories, experiece and advice really important. I'm thinking about benefits connected with both, people who consider coming out and people sharing their stories etc.. For example, writing my messege was important for me, too.

 

And, BTW, there is another thing. I think it is important, as well. Maybe we associate coming out with stating our identities. But suggesting your identity, speaking about it without naming it, explaining a part of it etc. are not automatically worse than that!

That is so true, I guess coming out coming out doesn’t have to mean telling everyone close to you what you have discovered.  Accepting it within yourself is just as valuable 🙂

[PaulinaG]

55 minutes ago, ❤️cake said:

That is so true, I guess coming out coming out doesn’t have to mean telling everyone close to you what you have discovered.  Accepting it within yourself is just as valuable 🙂

Yes, self-care is an important issue, too. And we do come out to ourselsves.

[- Ace Of Spades -]

Most of my experiences of telling people have been pretty anti-climatic. Funnily enough, half of my friends who know actually suspected it before I officially told them. The ones who suspected it didn't really know what asexuality was but caught on to the fact that I never spoke up in any situation that involved sexual attraction or sex. It was a huge relief when they told me "yeah I kind of already knew" and it was no big deal.

 

The very first person I told was definitely the hardest because I was ashamed of being different (and still in denial a bit) and unknown to the vast majority of people. It was like saying I was an alien and I didn't expect them to understand, but they were completely supportive. 

 

Don't feel like you need to tell people. If you aren't comfortable with it, then don't pressure yourself. Personally, I find the best way to tell people is when it naturally comes into conversation rather than an awkward forcing of it. I've never been a fan of sit-down conversations as I felt like it added even more anxiety and tension. It may also make the other person uncomfortable and not knowing how to react.

 

However, I will say that it is a huge boon to have people know. My asexuality is never a topic that comes up very often but every now and then a situation arises where I'm grateful my friends know. For example, one time a group of us vacationed in Las Vegas and we were walking the strip and there are always those guys that aggressively try and hand out those fliers or coupons or whatever (I'm not really sure what they are) of strip clubs. The man was practically shoving the flier in my face and my friend walking next to me said "no thanks, we're all asexual." and we laughed about it. Mind you, I'm the only asexual person in my group of friends.

 

There are other instances where there are awkward situations that can help be averted by my friends. Like if we're hanging out somewhere and there's another person in the group that doesn't know about my asexuality, if that person starts talking about romantic interests and it gets directed to me, my friends will make a joke to divert the attention away because they know I don't like talking about that stuff (especially with people I don't know that well) until I feel comfortable coming out on my own. My friends have truly been a huge blessing in my life.

[Sir Lancelop]

So, a few days ago, I’m working on a project with a colleague.  We’re a couple of male civil engineering undergraduates, and we’re going back and forth, asking questions about this and that calculation, etc, when he takes a really long time to respond to one of my questions.  Responds in a few hours explaining that he had to attend a gender reveal party on Zoom.  So we start talking about kids, and I start talking about not wanting kids, and of course, he’s all “you will some day, just gotta find a special someone.”  So I trust this guy, we’ve been friends/working together for four years, so I’m like “yeah the probability of that happening is pretty low since I’m aromantic.”  The next morning, I wake up and see that my inbox has a bunch of emails from Match.com and Tinder.  This dude just signed me up for Match and Tinder using my email address!  So I text him, asking if he signed me up, and he denies it, but I can practically see the poker face in between the lines in his text.  A little annoyed, I straight up text him “I’m a queer/lqbtq+ aromantic asexual and I’ve unsubscribed from Match and Tinder, but I’m flattered you’d go so far to try and hook me up.”  He was super cool about it; he even knew someone who identified as ace.  And that’s how I came out to my friend/coworker of four years.

[zugs]

I didn't explicitly say that I was aromantic/asexual, but I did end up telling a friend that I had never had a "crush" nor felt attraction other than friendship towards other people before.  They didn't believe me.  I tried explaining the concept of asexuality and that I was leaning towards that direction, but they replied with something like "no, that doesn't sound possible".  I tried to convince them every way I could, but at the end of the day it just didn't work out and they left with the conclusion that I was possibly lesbian, or at the very least a "tough nut to crack".  They ended up telling another person who seemed entertained by the idea and said person ended up asking me several uncomfortable questions about my lack of experience when it comes to attraction, even jokingly trying to set me up with a guy.  Overall I got the impression that my "sexuality" wasn't taken seriously at all and was more suited for simple gossip material.  It hurt, honestly, and as a result I haven't talked about my sexuality with anyone else but one other who also identified with asexuality.

 

I wish you luck though, hopefully you'll have a better experience.

[Mrs. Worldwide]

My fist association when I think of coming out is to parents, which I haven't done. I feel like, more than other sexual identities, it is none of their business. On the other hand, it does feel like I am hiding a part of myself from them. Some of the dissonance may come from the lack of representation of coming out for aces, so I don't really have a model for what it should look like. I know they'll be accepting, albeit confused, so I don't even really know why I am struggling with whether to tell them or not. I guess I am wondering if other people are feeling the same way or if anyone has any thoughts as to why people should or should not come out to their parents (and if you have, advice would be much appreciated).  

[PaulinaG]

On 4/30/2020 at 4:10 AM, Mrs. Worldwide said:

My fist association when I think of coming out is to parents, which I haven't done. I feel like, more than other sexual identities, it is none of their business. On the other hand, it does feel like I am hiding a part of myself from them. Some of the dissonance may come from the lack of representation of coming out for aces, so I don't really have a model for what it should look like. I know they'll be accepting, albeit confused, so I don't even really know why I am struggling with whether to tell them or not. I guess I am wondering if other people are feeling the same way or if anyone has any thoughts as to why people should or should not come out to their parents (and if you have, advice would be much appreciated).  

Hi there! 🖐️

 

Firstly, don't be too hard on yourself! People experience various emotions and struggle with a lot of things!

 

I think I understand you. Your story looks familiar. Hiding things from people you are close with is a challenging issue. But it is normal to be afraid, lost, etc., too. I would advice you to carefully analyze your situation, think about its various aspects and then decide what to do.

 

I think people, including parents, are more familiar with homosexuality and bisexuality than they are with asexuality. It may be more difficult to comprehend for them. That's why it may be more difficult for an asexual to come out. So, when it comes to coming out,  patience, an educational approach and self-care would make a helpful equipment. 

 

Feel free to messege me if you need help!

[Kya.ma]

So I have come out to a certain extent I would say. 

When I first found out it was through my best friend who is Ace/Aro so he knew first. About a months later when I had a really emotional conversation with my mom I thought 'Well, this might be my best chance'.

I thought she would be the most open-minded in my family so I wanted to tell her first to see her reaction. Didn't go so well. Essentially she told me that:

 

1. I am too young to know (I was 16 at the time, I'm 17 now)

 

2. How could I know if I never even tried

 

3. We should settle on a compromise which she said was that 'I am open for everything' (because I tried to explain to her that I'm Ace panromantic and she just understood 'oh, so she basically likes everyone, so that must mean that she's just scared of sex or doesn't know how great it is yet')

 

Thanks for nothing on that one mom.

I still eventually told my friends in school, though it wasn't really planned. Basically, my arts advanced course is the most LGBTQ I have ever seen (we're 9 people and only 2 are straight) and I sat with two of my female friends from the course when the topic of the conversation landed on boys/girls/sex in general. Before finding out about asexuality I identified as bi/pan since I thought this was the closest it could get. These two friends knew that, and they both are bi. At one point one of them asked: 

"And, what do you like more? Girls or boys?"

And I was like:

"Well actually... I found out I'm Asexual recently."

 

They where super cool about it and asked me some curious and nice questions and completely accepted it. It made me a little more confident so I had no problem telling good friends when the topic landed on sexuality. It actually led to some funny conversations, like one time when we where on a school trip. 

I was sitting with one of the bi girls and a gay guy from my art advanced and I knew he knew, since we had talked about it before, and they started talking about sex and kinks (they're open-minded to a point it makes me uncomfortable sometimes).

He turned to me and asked:

"And Kyana, what kind of kinks do you have?"

The bi girl gave him a light nutch with the elbow.

"What? I'm just asking? Everyone has some kind of kink."

She just looked from him to me. After a moment it slowly dawned on him and he went:

"Oh right you're asexual."

Which led to a really interesting conversation about sex where I tried to explain the lack of sexual attraction to two people who's favourite topic is sex. 😂

Another interesting conversation was when I talked to a good friend of mine who lives in America. At that time he girlfriend here and planned on flying here to meet her. He then told me that she felt a little uncomfortable with him meeting me too. I completely understood, but it dawned on me that neither of them knew I was Ace. I couldn't stop laughing at the absurdity of the thought, and proceeded to tell him and his girlfriend this since we where friends too. She seemed pretty relieved at that.

 

These where my major 'coming out' stories so far.

[LostResearcher]

Basically all my friends who knew what asexuality was figured it out before me. Thinking about all the articles they suitably sent me that I 'might find interesting' and the hints about this 'little know sexuality they just found out about' that got dropped into conversations with my then BFF, it makes sense. They definitely knew I wasn't straight, but I sure didn't. If I remember correctly the first time I came out to anyone was one of my friends via text and it went something like this.

 

Me: I'm just reading some articles about asexuality.

 

Her: Oh yeah, why you doing that?

 

Me; Because I think that's what I am

 

Her: Okay.

 

Very casual. Like I said, they pretty much already knew. I've come out to my parents multiple times between 16-20, but they don't really get it. They just think I'm "not interested yet".

[A.Ham]

I just figured out that I'm aro/ace a couple of months ago, but I didn't tell anyone until I had learned more about it and gotten comfortable with it myself. One of my friends (who is very open minded regarding LGBTQ+) already guessed that I was asexual after a group of us were talking about marriage, dream guys, and kids and I was just sitting there like "Ummmmm I want an apartment and a doggo to keep me company???" Then she told me that there's a thing called asexuality, and even though I didn't think much about it at that time, turns out she was right! Anyway, now that I've figured it out, I came out to that same group of three friends as aromantic asexual, and they were all really supportive. After that, I told another friend, and she was really nice, asked me questions so that she could learn more, and told me that she would be thinking of me, which made me really happy. I haven't told my parents yet because I think that they won't take it seriously since it's not one of the more "popular" sexual orientations and that they will say I just haven't met the right person yet. That's kind of frustrating for me because this is something I'm proud of, and I would love to be able to tell them and share this part of myself with them. So, maybe not today, but hopefully someday! 

 

[ace-ren]

I've had two positive coming-outs, and unfortunately one negative. 

 

Start with a positive, though: I came out to my best friend a while back, was super nervous about it. But she just shrugged and was like "I figured, you've never been into that stuff anyway." Then she actually came out to me as pan, and proceeded to make jokes about how we're all or nothing. 

 

My negative experience was with my (now ex) boyfriend, I was wearing my black ring and he asked what it meant. So i explained, we were pretty new to relationship and i wanted him to know that before taking things where i didn't want them to go. He was just super dismissive though, like 'I'm sure you'll feel different someday'. He said he'd wait till marriage though so i didn't worry about that. Broke up with him after a couple of months. He just didn't respect and dismissed it 😕

 

And then another positive coming out, to my sister. Had to explain to her what it meant and she thinks she might be aspec too. She was super supportive and promised to stop joining in with my parents teasing about my almost non-existent love life. 

(I still haven't come out to my parents though i feel they'd have a similar reaction to my ex) 

[ace-ren]

On 5/1/2020 at 4:14 PM, LostResearcher said:

I've come out to my parents multiple times between 16-20, but they don't really get it. They just think I'm "not interested yet".

Argh, same. I keep dropping hints (especially to my mum) like, no I don't feel attracted to anyone, no I don't feel that way, but they just don't understand. Even when I had a boyfriend I was still saying that stuff which they didn't get even more (I'm ace not aro) 

It's so frustrating 

[LostResearcher]

@ace-ren I know right. It sucks so much. I've sort of stopped bringing it up at this point.

[Unleash the Echidnas]

On 4/27/2020 at 2:16 AM, PaulinaG said:

Maybe we associate coming out with stating our identities. But suggesting your identity, speaking about it without naming it, explaining a part of it etc. are not automatically worse than that!

Yes! I've found coming out with much in the way of a statement is more formal than I like. My personal model is I'm out if it happens to come up as relevant in a conversation but, if it's not relevant to the interactions you have with someone, then who cares? For close friends I might move conversations in particular directions since it can get weird if they're assuming you're cis-het-allo-ro when you're not and if you hold off too long some friends might get upset they didn't know. But, if I'm good friends with someone, that probably also means they're sort of person who doesn't care. Usually the reaction's some combination of that makes sense and thought so plus thanks for sharing.

 

For family, my mum's had enough hetero-homo-bi and cis-trans exposure to kind of get being genderqueer but the allo-grey-ace and ro-aro parts just don't compute for her. I give hints and reminders from time to time but she has a lot wrapped up in my having an intimate partner to take care of me after she eventually moves on. So the grey-not especially ro aspect of me being me just runs into a giant wall of nope. We've sort of worked out a truce where she doesn't talk about grandchildren or my being single.

[will123]

Rather than repeat myself, here's how my experiences have gone:

 

Feel free to ask any questions that come to mind.

[will123]

@Jo_March I've only come out to friends that may have commented in the past about my dating (or lack of), no girlfriends etc. I have no intention of telling family as my parents never pressured me about dating, marriage (I've had female 'friends' over the years). My mother isn't the most LGBT+ friendly person. My brother's family would likely cause a lot of drama.

 

For me the hard part of coming out was finding a way to segue into it during a conversation. The easy part? Telling my friend that I'm asexual. Once I get the initial, "I'm asexual" out, it's easy for me to discuss.