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Why would anyone cheat on their partners?


badbunny ll bonnie

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badbunny ll bonnie

This is just something I've been wondering for a long time. Mostly because a few people in my family (father and grandfather) have cheated on their spouses. And I just want to understand why. Especially if they love their family. Why throw it all away? And for what? Sexual temptation? A temporary feeling that can potentially destroy all you've built up and have worked for. Because I've tried to justify at least those actions sometimes because of the relations of cheaters in my life. Because all my life I've been taught that cheaters are horrible, scummy, villains but how do I respond to that in relation to my own life when people I'm "supposed" to admire are like this.

 

This thread is for me to just try and understand these positions. Because I imagine it's almost like alcohol or something in the sense that it's bad for you but yeah. Idk. Maybe it's because I'm ace but that has just made me disconnect in this regard because I just don't get why risk it all because of sexual attraction.

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For me, I think that it's an ace thing. I just cannot imagine cheating on someone for sexual gratification because it's an area of attraction that I don't experience/pay any mind to. Whenever I hear about someone cheating, I can't seem to wrap my head around it either lmao. 

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Because one has a higher sex drive or whatever than the other? I don’t see why that couldn’t just be discussed tho. Or maybe because they don’t really like/love their partner anymore but develop feelings for someone else and don’t break up for whatever reason? this probably isn’t very helpful, I don’t really understand it either 

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Janus the Fox

Why a person cheats are rather complex with multiple reasons.  Googling it myself, it seems like a broad area of Psychology.

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Mackenzie Holiday

There are a lot of reasons people might cheat on their partners. Sometimes it's because something's missing in their current relationship, like a lack of intimacy, affection, or respect that they're able to get from someone else, and sometimes it's for less sympathetic reasons like revenge. There are a number of situations where I personally find it understandable that someone would feel compelled to cheat, but that doesn't mean I don't also find it understandable that their partners will feel hurt by it. I don't see it as a right or wrong type of issue, there's usually a lot at play.

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I almost did a very long time ago (before I ever came to AVEN) and this was the circumstance.

 

My partner was abusive.  I felt like I couldn't leave.  So...cheating wasn't off the table for me because I was already clocked out of the relationship.

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I was a paralegal for 15 years.  Cheating is everywhere.  A lot of people are just compulsive cheaters.  I don't know why - it seems like a lot of people just can't stop themselves or something.  One thing I know is that a cheater will always cheat.  If a person cheats, avoid that person and don't expect that person to change.  You have been warned.

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There are so many reasons for it.

 

A major one, is the lack of validation within a relationship (or should I specify--the feeling of not being validated). Your partner snuffs out your ego and pride, and you find someone who strokes it. Its only a matter of time before many would cheat.

 

Excuses like I "felt so alone", point to this.

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nutterwithasolderingiron

i've never cheated on anyone but i've unknowingly been the person someone has cheated on their partner with and been cheated on. the most common reason i've heard from those people is they're unhappy with their current situation but not unhappy enough to change that. 

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Guest Ca$hrina
1 hour ago, thylacine said:

I was a paralegal for 15 years.  Cheating is everywhere.  A lot of people are just compulsive cheaters.  I don't know why - it seems like a lot of people just can't stop themselves or something.  One thing I know is that a cheater will always cheat.  If a person cheats, avoid that person and don't expect that person to change.  You have been warned.

As the saying goes, "If he/she cheated with you, he/she will cheat on you."

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Not everyone enters into a relationship wanting/giving the same things. Some people cheat because they're not being fulfilled sexually, sensually, romantically, emotionally, etc. Some people entered into a relationship for personal gain and therefore don't give a shit about cheating or not. Others just fall out of love with their significant others but are tied to them for different reasons: culturally, religious, whatever. 

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I feel like giving reasons to cheating justifies it in a way and finds a way to blame the person being cheated on for their shortcomings. I might be misinterpreting things. I find cheating to be very selfish; even if it's hard to end things, I feel that the other person in the relationship shouldn't be led on and, in the end, told "I cheated on you because things were missing in our relationship."

It's obviously different with abusive situations, and in those circumstances it may be dangerous for the person being mistreated to suddenly leave.

In all other situations though... just communicate, and if you can't come to a compromise or an agreement or a solution of some sort, maybe you aren't meant to be together right now.

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i can see it, if there is a certain degree of emotional distance?  idk, i think i ****personally**** see it as less taboo, because sex and romance are less meaningful to me personally than they are to many/most, but i feel like in some relationships it might be less explicitly "bad."

like, there are certain relationships that i've seen modelled in my life that seem like they're just together for the sake of staying together, and there's not as much emotional closeness.  in that case, if there's a lack of emotional intimacy, maybe it's less of a big deal to cheat because implicitly your relationship has kinda failed in some way?  or maybe in a case where one of the people is kinda directly antagonizing/provoking that sort of reaction, is that as big of a deal as a relationship that seems very good and close to one of the people in it, but the other is cheating?  idk i feel like in "unhealthy" relationships (whatever that means to you, i guess) maybe cheating could be looked on less severely?

if both people have kinda given up or are just together for show, does it matter as much if one or both of them cheat?

to be clear, i don't think it's the best solution- i think you should almost always try to communicate about your issues, or just break up/divorce (except in situations where those two types of confrontation might be dangerous to engage in with your partner.  in which case, please find help and support from other people to change your situation!).  but i can imagine circumstances where it doesn't automatically make you "the bad guy."  

 

(also i probably just have a weird perspective.  the one relationship i've been in, my boyfriend said "i would never cheat on you," and my first immediate thought was 'i wouldn't really care if you did.'  but like, that's just me and my own reaction.  i think for me personally that has to do with my aro-ness but i don't think i'm necessarily the norm on that)

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I'm also mystified by it, but I'm mystified by a lot of things people commonly do. Psychology is tricky. It could be a problem with the relationship, a problem with one partner, or someone could just be an asshole. I don't even think it has to do with libido most frequently. People are just screwed up. They vote for insane people, after all.

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Mackenzie Holiday
42 minutes ago, Shaybert said:

I feel like giving reasons to cheating justifies it in a way and finds a way to blame the person being cheated on for their shortcomings.

It's really unfortunate when people blame each other for their own actions in situations like these, but I think it can be really helpful to try to understand both parties when things like this happen. Not so we can figure out who was "right" and who was "wrong", and definitely not so we can know who to blame or whether someone's actions were justified, but just so the couple can find the best path forward. Some couples want to work on mending their relationship after cheating occurs, and understanding each other's feelings is very important for that. On the other hand, sometimes a person will want nothing to do with their partner who cheated, and that can be a perfectly understandable reaction as well. Sometimes the healthiest path forward is breaking up, but it's difficult to know that for sure without that attempt to understand each other. It would definitely be ideal if they were able to have that kind of communication before and not after something like this happens, but it's better late than never, and there are a lot of reasons why people might have difficulties having these kinds of conversations or even understanding their own motivations in an ideal way.

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There are a lot of complex reasons. After that Ashley Madison thing, I read some studies that said like 71% of cheaters are happy and sexually satisfied with their partner... but something was missing. Or there was a thrill to it. Or just something new. Or...

 

Personally, I will not cheat on a partner. I was tempted to do something across the lines (nothing physical) and instead of doing it... I talked to my partner about it and why I was feeling that way and we worked it out. *shrug* I couldnt stand hurting someone that way. 

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If you're really interested in the nitty gritty of why people cheat, Ester Perel has a great book "The State of Affairs", and in a slightly more engaging format, her podcast "Where Shall We Begin?" often covers this issue (it's an actual couples counseling session in each episode).  And if you don't have the patience for either of those, you can get the gist in her TED talk:

It often has much less to do with sexual gratification than with an emotional need, sometimes that a person isn't even really aware of or can't understand and verbalize.  Often people have competing needs and don't know how to balance them in one relationship: the need for security and stability, and the need for novelty and adventure, which are opposite desires.  People often lack the emotional vocabulary to even label what's lacking.

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The illicit thrill maybe? 

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Boredom. Neglect. To see "if they still got it". To name a few.

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This is a pretty comprehensive video:

 

 

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Grumpy Alien

I’m sexual and it’s not something I can really fathom? Why would I knowingly hurt someone I love by betraying their trust and lying to them? I wouldn’t. And if the relationship isn’t a happy one... Why would I stay? I wouldn’t. But clearly there’s something I just don’t understand, as many people do cheat on their partners.

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Beats the hell out of me.  If you're unhappy enough with your current situation to cheat, you ought to man up about it instead of stringing the other person along.

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Being unable to honor a commitment - when a person doesn't do what he/she says that he/she will do. 

 

I guess instead of solving any problems that arise, they just simply choose to 'let go'.  

 

In another perspective, it's when life is not longer about 'us' but 'me'.  

 

 

My 2 cents

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