Ace Identity

[Shaybert]

It is very much so easier to put my sexuality into a box and shove it under my bed than to try to find a set label and clearly understand it all. Of course I'm asexual; it's always okay to not be sure of your sexuality, but in this case I am very sure. However, when we get into asexuality, there starts to become further separations on stances with sex, romanticism, kissing, hand-holding, relationships with allosexual humans, etc. This is where my mind starts to diverge and question everything.

Well I've never had a partner-- is this for a reason? could I be aro? is my mind denying me of such clarity because of some random negative bias I picked up in my lifetime?

I have had encounters, but thinking about and diving into them makes me cringe. Like I was a different person at that time... three months ago. Did I enjoy those encounters? Did anything spark with those encounters? I have no clue.

Since August, I don't think I've felt any strong connection to another person. I used to have crushes all the time, and I came to college to try to make more strong connections and, perhaps, be a part of a QPR. However, I haven't met anyone of that caliber. I barely made any friends, let alone did I meet someone with whom I had an intimate connection. I feel so broken and not like myself.

 

Perhaps none of this has to do with my attraction at all. It could be because my medicine is known to kill libido, and depression also suppresses most of my genuine feelings. I just want to feel normal again; I don't want emptiness and loneliness to be my entire existence. I have to have something(s)/someone(s) to live for or else I am a goner.

Maybe next year will be better; maybe I'll meet a nice person at my new workplace; maybe I have to find where my passions truly lie before the universe will grant me people that I feel I belong with.

I truly hope this is the case.

 

To tie this feeling of hopelessness to my sexuality: my main thought is "maybe I was always meant to be alone." Obviously that is a broad statement and there are aces out there who want partners and have found them. When I found the term asexual, I was relieved that I finally had a word. But I also felt pain because I just wanted relationships to be easy to find like my sexual counterparts. All of my female, allosexual friends seem to just fall into relationships... Yet here I am still alone..

 

This was more of a rant and me trying to put my thoughts into words before I go aBSoLUtely insane in my dorm room.

Let me know if you can relate or have been able to relate in the past.

[Lonemathsytoothbrushthief]

You're unlikely to find people who exactly relate to what you describe, but plenty can understand I don't relate to the feelings of brokenness because nothing about me has ever really changed for a long time, I'm learning to work with what I've got you know. So I don't relate to the stuff about your depression, I think I have BPD/depression/anxiety/autism in some combination and if anything wish I was a bit more broken lol - then it'd be easier to actually get treatment for stuff. When I started antidepressants the side effects of low libido seemed like a plus to me ahaha I find any interaction with sex characteristics triggering in terms of dysphoria and also some past experiences idk. I've dated in the past and I didn't understand myself, why I was getting depressed and stuff, my gender or sexuality or anything so now I'd rather not date because those experiences just gave me a wider variety of trauma to try and get over lol. What's difficult I guess is that now thinking about my attraction to people, gender and sexuality stuff, has all of that other trauma surrounding it and it's kinda easy to just dissociate so I don't date people or really think too hard about my gender or sexuality. I'm fluid and sexually confused, sex repulsed, arospec whatever.

[SophieG]

Hey! I feel this. Like, a lot of this is exactly what I’ve been struggling with since December. You are definitely not alone in your fears, and I don’t know if it’s comforting to know that I’m right there with you, but I’ll say it anyway in the hopes you feel a little less alone. Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk more about it! I hope things get better for you, in any way that might be.