Am I weird for not wanting to "convert" people?

[Snao Cone]

I like that there are people on AVEN who aren't asexual. I like that there are people off AVEN who are cool enough with their sense of self that even though they're not extremely horny, they don't need to "find themselves" in a label-focused way. I don't want to needlessly send people down a rabbit hole by suggesting they look into asexuality when they say something like "These days dating is just a meat market to get laid and I want no part of that." When people say "I want to get to know people first" I don't slap a demi flag on their forehead. I don't want to increase the numbers of people identifying as ace if they're not motivated to do so. Am I being a bad asexual? 

[daveb]

No, you're not weird for that.  

 

But seriously, I don't think anyone should be trying to convert anyone. Better to provide information (or not) and let them decide for themselves.  

[SithLord]

No, I think it's actually better not to do so. I find when you're quick to increase your own numbers because someone feels something that might sort of kinda if you squint be similar to how you feel, then you're being less honest about what the feeling is. I'm ace, but if I wanted to paint everyone who doesn't want to fuck someone on sight as ace, then what's the point in the label? 

[Anthracite_Impreza]

... no? Orientation very rarely comes up in any of my conversations, but I will absolutely convert people to the wonders of vehicles ❤️

 

[Snao Cone]

I'm (ironically) reluctant to even provide information if people don't give enough details to suggest they're actually asexual. If it was suggested to me before I was driven to google it, I don't think I would've come to my conclusions any sooner. 

[Celyn: The Lutening]

Pushing labels on people is bad because then they feel unable to continue exploring who they are. Withholding labels from them is also bad because it is removing the language to talk about their identity, and that is a way of erasing their identity and pretending e.g. demisexuals, don't exist.

 

The only non-problematic thing to do is show them resources that might help them find a label, if that's what they're looking for, while going "No pressure."

 

Bearing in mind that on AVEN the majority of newbies are actively looking for a label. If someone irl said something like that, I too would just nod, go "Uh huh," and then probably talk about Dungeons and Dragons.

[Philip027]

Nobody has to be an activist.

 

At the same time though, it isn't really so much "converting" as making people aware of something they weren't necessarily aware of before.  I knew I was "ace" the moment I learned about sex, but I never knew there was an actual name for it until a decade later.  Until then, I thought I was completely alone in how I felt, and that kind of sucked.

 

It had nothing to do with me not being "motivated" to call myself ace; I just had no idea the concept existed.  If it wasn't for me randomly stumbling around on tvtropes and finding their page on asexuality, for all I know I might have still been in the dark today.

[Snao Cone]

1 minute ago, Celyn said:

The only non-problematic thing to do is show them resources that might help them find a label, if that's what they're looking for, while going "No pressure."

I don't even want to do this in offline conversations unless it's really deep and personal. 

[Ldlelee]

No, I don't think you're weird. I think you're respectful. People are different and have their own tastes and preferences with everything, and to try to "convert" people to anything without their consent or approval is rude and violating. For instance, if someone is agnostic but is interested in learning about a group's religion and practices, that's one thing; if someone is agnostic and someone forcibly tries to change them to their own religion, that's another. I think representation is important but it doesn't mean everybody needs to be ace or on the ace spectrum. That's missing the whole point.

[Guest]

I think converting people is actually .... like uhhh sorry Im thinking of the word..........disrespectful! 

I think people should come to their own terms. Otherwise unless they ask for opinions you're sticking your nose where it doesnt belong like vegan. 

 

I mean if someone says gay is against their belief its not my place to change their mind. If nobody is getting hurt what is the point. 

 

[Snao Cone]

6 minutes ago, Leedle-Lee said:

For instance, if someone is agnostic but is interested in learning about a group's religion and practices, that's one thing; if someone is agnostic and someone forcibly tries to change them to their own religion, that's another.

That's a good analogy. If someone mentions their religious beliefs in passing, most people would consider it rude to suggest anything different. 

 

I've heard before, once or twice, people suggest that if you believe in things like charity and forgiveness, you are a Christian. That usually gets questioned or ignored or laughed at. But saying "If you don't feel turned on by looking at people, you're on the asexual spectrum" is totally fine and if you question that you're an invalidating dickwad? Yes this is a hyperbole, but let's face it: a lot of invalidation arguments start because someone is trying (or has some kind of agenda) to steer more people towards asexuality. It's often subtle, which just irks me more. 

[Firefly8]

I've also seen a couple of bi people try to convert straights into being bi. I agree to just let people be themselves without forcing a flag on them. I wouldn't want that for any orientation, including my own.

[Snao Cone]

Just now, Firefly8 said:

I've also seen a couple of bi people try to convert straights into being bi. I wouldn't want that for any orientation, including my own. I agree to just let people be themselves without forcing a flag on them.

There's also the "everyone is bisexual to some degree" thought, which I'm sure irritates a lot of bi people. 

[DatMattser]

I think people shouldn't push labels on people who dont want them as the person should decide if they want labels or not. Personally for me I could live without labels. I think I'm better off not using labels in real life as it's no one else business what I'm attracted to or lack there of.

[RoseGoesToYale]

Nah. You do you.

 

If people are distressed enough about their sexuality/identity, they'll go looking for answers anyway. Here's hoping they land on the right resources. If they're not distressed, then no harm done. They'll just live their lives.

 

And honestly, insofar as labels go, I've never understood the point of concocting some extremely descriptive label and going out there and trying to use it. Even "demisexual", AVEN is the only place I'd use it, because everyone here knows what it means, I don't have to explain it, and it properly distinguishes me from sexual and asexual. Out there, I wouldn't bother, unless I had a partner.

 

What's far more concerning, imo, is not people not knowing what to call themselves as feeling like they have to foist labels on themselves because "everybody has one" and because they're worried their identity isn't "complete" with categorization.

[Zagadka]

Nah. People need to figure out where their comfort zone lies themselves. This is supposed to be a chill place to live, consider things, come to your own decisions. There shouldn't be any pressure on anyone for anything, or labels being assigned to people.

[Janus the Fox]

The only thing i can do is point to the resources and let people be, let the questions and rants flow and just guide in the right direction.  The realization in sexuality is 'conversion' enough.

[Alejandrogynous]

No, you're being a good asexual by not spreading the "if you're not 1000% sexual 1000% of the time, you're probably ace" narrative even further. If someone is genuinely and consistently distressed and you think they might be asexual, I don't think gently suggesting it is a bad thing. (And it's not a bad thing to not, if you're uncomfortable.) But to toss labels at people who make throwaway comments or express any dissatisfaction with sexual culture at all, seems pretty careless to me. If they're not distressed enough to do their own questioning, it's not our business to do it for them.

[Snao Cone]

8 minutes ago, Janus DarkFox said:

The only thing i can do is point to the resources and let people be, let the questions and rants flow and just guide in the right direction.  The realization in sexuality is 'conversion' enough.

I don't even want to point to resources unless someone indicates they think something's different about themselves. On AVEN of course people have already started the process, but in other places I just don't want to suggest it unless it seems like the person wants help. 

[Snao Cone]

3 minutes ago, Alejandrogynous said:

If they're not distressed enough to do their own questioning, it's not our business to do it for them.

Bingo. 

[daveb]

2 hours ago, Snao Cone said:

I don't even want to point to resources unless someone indicates they think something's different about themselves. On AVEN of course people have already started the process, but in other places I just don't want to suggest it unless it seems like the person wants help. 

Nothing wrong with feeling like that either. To me, it's kind of like coming out about being ace - some people do it for various reasons, some people don't for various reasons; some come out to a select few, some are out and showcase it as much as possible and some keep it to themselves. Visibility and education don't mean everyone has to do it all or do it at all. Each of us has our own comfort levels, our own needs, and our own stances. We each get to choose what is best for ourselves at any given time.

[Zagadka]

To me, I know that asexuals are a severe minority in the population. I have no interest in convincing anyone to avoid sex or relationships. Almost everyone enjoys those, and more power to them. But I want people to feel comfortable if they don't.

[Balance]

I think it's fine if you make people aware of the Ace terms, but converting? I don't think anyone can convert/recruit someone to any orientation.