HonoraryJedi Posted April 7, 2020 Share Posted April 7, 2020 So here is my take 18 hours ago, Vexed2018 said: He gives excuse after excuse after excuse, from no sex gives him mental clarity, to waiting until we're married ( which he knows we have no intentions on doing), to not while my kid is home or he needs to shower to....... 17 hours ago, Vexed2018 said: Finally in March of 2019 he said he wanted to focus on his creativity so no sex until July. In July he moved it to August. August became Nobemer, November became March. Niw here in April nothing has changed. 17 hours ago, Vexed2018 said: Also no amount of talking helps. He calls me addicted to sex and says I need therapy because it runs my life. He also says the conversation gives him anxiety anytime I bring it up. I'm open to therapy and would do it in a heartbeat, but he backs out when I bring it up. This man does not want to have sex with you. He really really doesn't. But he wants to be with you so he doesn't want to say that, he just moves the timeline and pretends that, maybe, in the future, just until this arbitrary thing is just right. This will never happen because the real reason isn't any of those things. The real reason is that he just doesn't want to. It doesn't really matter why he doesn't want to. What matters is the fact that he doesn't. You are facing either investing more time in a man who is never going to want to have sex with you, or breaking up (one you're out of quarantine, I guess.) I think the only thing that will get you forward in this, is accepting that he will never want it, and go from there. And from what you're saying, it really sounds like a relationship with someone who does not want to have sex is just not workable for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Vexed2018 Posted April 7, 2020 Author Share Posted April 7, 2020 5 hours ago, HonoraryJedi said: So here is my take This man does not want to have sex with you. He really really doesn't. But he wants to be with you so he doesn't want to say that, he just moves the timeline and pretends that, maybe, in the future, just until this arbitrary thing is just right. This will never happen because the real reason isn't any of those things. The real reason is that he just doesn't want to. It doesn't really matter why he doesn't want to. What matters is the fact that he doesn't. You are facing either investing more time in a man who is never going to want to have sex with you, or breaking up (one you're out of quarantine, I guess.) I think the only thing that will get you forward in this, is accepting that he will never want it, and go from there. And from what you're saying, it really sounds like a relationship with someone who does not want to have sex is just not workable for you. Yeah, I know. And it hurts, and it's frustrating, and it sucks. But I guess it's life too. Link to post Share on other sites
Memento1 Posted April 7, 2020 Share Posted April 7, 2020 12 hours ago, Vexed2018 said: Resources, yes. Confidence I could get there. I definitely realize I'm plagued by self doubt in this situation. Okay. So you think confidence might be an issue. Can you rank it from 1 to 10, like you did importance? Link to post Share on other sites
Vexed2018 Posted April 7, 2020 Author Share Posted April 7, 2020 27 minutes ago, Memento1 said: Okay. So you think confidence might be an issue. Can you rank it from 1 to 10, like you did importance? I would say a 3. I want to feel confident that I would make the tough decisions when necessary, but I know I will struggle with making him leave. Especially because in those moments, (we've separated before) he tries to do everything (short of sex) to stay, which in a warped sense affirms for me that I am desired by him. What would it take to get me to a 4 or 5 (or higher)? Confirmation from him that it will most likely never happen. I am a question asker and an answer seeker. So not having definitive answers plagues me. Link to post Share on other sites
Memento1 Posted April 7, 2020 Share Posted April 7, 2020 Okay, so you've had some practice at doing this before, though it sounds like it was painful. You did separate previously - what got you through those discussions? Link to post Share on other sites
Vexed2018 Posted April 7, 2020 Author Share Posted April 7, 2020 7 minutes ago, Memento1 said: Okay, so you've had some practice at doing this before, though it sounds like it was painful. You did separate previously - what got you through those discussions? Yes we've seperated before. Nothing much longer than a week and a half. It's always during times when my feelings of resentment are extremely high. Sex for me is definitely a stress release so as things build up, i demand sex more, he denies and on at least 2 occassions the reault is us not being together. His dismissiveness in those moments also helped to confirm the need to be apart. Cutting off all communication is what got me through that, but this would be the first time where we actually have been living together and fully emeshed in one another lives. We always somehow engage back in communication and get back together and things go okay for a while as long as I keep sex off the table. Link to post Share on other sites
HonoraryJedi Posted April 7, 2020 Share Posted April 7, 2020 48 minutes ago, Vexed2018 said: Confirmation from him that it will most likely never happen. I am a question asker and an answer seeker. So not having definitive answers plagues me. Maybe looking at it this way will help: In a way, you have a definite answer. The one he gives you through his actions. What he says might be really confusing. From what I understand it goes from "wow you're so sexy, we'll totally do it right now" to "you're addicted to sex" with a sprinkling of "not now because *~creativity~* but next month for sure". Listening to that would be really confusing. Listening to his actions though speaks a much clearer language: You never actually have any sex. And that's how you get through to yourself that he won't change. He hasn't changed any of the previous times, and won't this time either. Try to look past the things he is saying and make a judgement based on what he is doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Memento1 Posted April 7, 2020 Share Posted April 7, 2020 37 minutes ago, Vexed2018 said: Yes we've seperated before. Nothing much longer than a week and a half. It's always during times when my feelings of resentment are extremely high. Sex for me is definitely a stress release so as things build up, i demand sex more, he denies and on at least 2 occassions the reault is us not being together. His dismissiveness in those moments also helped to confirm the need to be apart. Cutting off all communication is what got me through that, but this would be the first time where we actually have been living together and fully emeshed in one another lives. We always somehow engage back in communication and get back together and things go okay for a while as long as I keep sex off the table. Alright. So when he is especially dismissive and your frustration reaches a boiling point, you take action. You can be bold when pushed. Not engaging with him further helped maintain your resolve, and he tends to talk you back if you do engage with him. You doubt your ability to stay disengaged this time because you've been living together (and now on top of each other in quarantine). So you're feeling very discouraged about that. It can be useful to think in the hypothetical. Suppose you did manage to break up and stay disengaged - how did you do that? what worked? Link to post Share on other sites
Vexed2018 Posted April 7, 2020 Author Share Posted April 7, 2020 21 minutes ago, Memento1 said: So you're feeling very discouraged about that. It can be useful to think in the hypothetical. Suppose you did manage to break up and stay disengaged - how did you do that? what worked? Having him take all of his things out of my house, blocking his number, deleting old messages, and blocking him off my social media. The hardest part, convincing myself that he was truly never going to change and that as bad as he may feel he never planned to give me what I needed. Link to post Share on other sites
Memento1 Posted April 7, 2020 Share Posted April 7, 2020 Okay. So you know how you could do it - get rid of reminders and block avenues of communication. You've obviously put some thought into it and learned from the past. And if you did start thinking you left prematurely, that he might have changed, what could you do? Link to post Share on other sites
Vexed2018 Posted April 7, 2020 Author Share Posted April 7, 2020 6 hours ago, Memento1 said: Okay. So you know how you could do it - get rid of reminders and block avenues of communication. You've obviously put some thought into it and learned from the past. And if you did start thinking you left prematurely, that he might have changed, what could you do? That's the answer I haven't figured out yet 😔 I start to feel bad and think I'm misreading the entire situation. Definitely my codependent tendencies take over. 6 hours ago, Memento1 said: Okay. So you know how you could do it - get rid of reminders and block avenues of communication. You've obviously put some thought into it and learned from the past. And if you did start thinking you left prematurely, that he might have changed, what could you do? Never gotten that far, as silly as it sounds. Link to post Share on other sites
Memento1 Posted April 8, 2020 Share Posted April 8, 2020 5 hours ago, Vexed2018 said: That's the answer I haven't figured out yet 😔 I start to feel bad and think I'm misreading the entire situation. Definitely my codependent tendencies take over. Okay. So it sounds like you doubt and shame yourself - I have a history of that as well! Are there resources that have helped you when you feel bad about yourself? A friend, religious leader, mentor, therapist? Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted April 16, 2020 Share Posted April 16, 2020 It is okay if he is ace or just doesnt feel comfortable with sex. It is not okay to not try to ‘work’ on this relationshippy problem. My partner also had a ton of excuses and I used a ton of energy on blaming myself. It feeds a depression and you need to stop letting your depression being fed. He needs to help with giving clarity to what he feels. You need to be able to make a judgement call based on facts. Rigth now, he isnt giving you much and you worry about if he is withholding important information. Link to post Share on other sites
RDIAG Posted April 26, 2020 Share Posted April 26, 2020 On 4/6/2020 at 10:53 AM, Vexed2018 said: In July he moved it to August. August became Nobemer, November became March. Niw here in April nothing has changed. This moving-goalposts thing is familiar. Once we move, when we're on that vacation, once this particular stressful time ends, etc, etc. In my less-healthy moments I would run repeat those lists of delays in my head over and over and get angry. But they weren't lies. They were my partner's fear and confusion speaking. They were misguided attempts at hope, and a sincere wish to please. It still hurts, though Link to post Share on other sites
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