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Newbie: Asexy Autistic Artist


LiteraryLady

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LiteraryLady

Hello, I am from NH, and I am starting to feel I am Asexual, or on the spectrum. I am also autism spectrum too.

Here's my story;

 

At a young age I was molested by a family member, which I don't quite remember but was told stories about. But I do remember masturbating at a young age because, 'hey this touch feels good,' and ended up trying to get my friends to do it too. But became confused when they didn't want to.

 

From there, I would look at scientific books about sex and childbirth. Trying to understand it all... But then got mocked and shamed. I quickly gave up on that.

 

In my later teens, with good ol' puberty kicking in, I had often gotten into trouble trying to watch porn. Again, trying to understand sex (and see what a penis actually looks like). I eventually ended up giving up on that. Sex Ed ended up boring me. Depression had also began around this time.

 

Relationships in and of themselves were tricky as it was with my Autism. I tended to have a lot of guy friends, few gal pals, yet no boyfriends. So I became 'one of the guys'. The quiet girl that would just read books all the time, draw, watch anime, and read fanfics. The few crushes I developed never really got anywhere, and I never really fantasized about myself having sex with anyone that often. Lots of anime shipping though...

 

I essentially ended up losing my virginity to a guy I chose in my high school graduation because I didn't want to die a virgin. Further on, in my first sexual relationship, it would frustrate me when my ex-boyfriend would beg me for sex when I wasn't in the mood. Which was frequent. Even when I had sex, it wasn't that pleasurable. But he was also my first so...

 

I had a few other failed relationships after that. Learning the hard way that sex doesn't always mean relationship.

 

Then I stumbled upon Tinder and similar dating apps and found the hookup culture not for me. Even now, I get so fed up with seeing an appealing guy, match, and they immediately want to hook up, or sext.

Uuggggh... No. Get to know me first and maybe then we'll have sex.

 

And now, in my early thirties, and questioning my sexuality, here I am and here's what I know about myself;

The thought of being lusted after makes me feel uncomfortable.

Watching porn mostly feels degrading. Although, I can get really turned on by a good erotic fiction, and tasteful erotic fan-art.

I tend to view bodies in a bit of a subjective way. I can appreciate it like I would appreciate art.

I view sex with my partner as a way to be intimate and show my love... 

Masturbation feels good. Mostly. I sometimes gag while, or shortly after, I orgasm. (I think I might have a medical problem...)

I don't think I can remember the last time I had a sex dream, or fantasy involving myself...

My sexual urges tend to mostly be tied to a certain time of the month,

I've had long, looong dry spells, and I'm kinda okay with that.

 

I think I am asexual.

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Welcome! Asexuality is not a lack of libido and a physical reaction to stimuli - both visual and touch based - just a lack of sexual attraction. As for the whole certain time of the month thing, it’s likely tied in with hormone levels. 

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